Are you kids acting up this holiday? Are you getting side-eye from friends or family while you’re trying to enjoy just one freaking glass of wine without interruption? Never fear. I’m here for you with some stellar pre-planned excuses for your kids’ poor holiday behavior.
1. I’m so sorry Billy’s gnawing on your cat’s tail. He’s been going through a huge growth spurt lately. It makes him extra hungry.
2. I can’t for the life of me determine what’s driven Susie to flash her vulva at Great Grandma Myrtle. She’s recently discovered girls have vaginas and boys have penises. It’s probably just a show of solidarity.
3. I’m so embarrassed that you caught Johnny licking and then putting back all the deviled eggs one by one. We’ve been emphasizing the importance of considering one’s options before jumping to a final decision about something. It seems he’s misunderstood the lesson.
4. My apologies that Peggy tried to force your son to eat her boogers. We’ve really been driving home the need to share with others lately.
5. I’m certain Timmy didn’t mean to urinate on the cupcakes. It’s just that his dad has been helping him practice peeing in public urinals, and well, aiming for the cakes in there has sort of been a priority.
6. I have no idea what might be motivating Betty to tear about the room, biting people’s butts. I think the babysitter’s been allowing her to watch a lot of Animal Planet recently. I know somebody who’s getting a stern talking to, amirite?!
7. No, we don’t allow profanity in our home. I’m pretty sure Bobby picked up “Now, where the hell did I put those fucking keys?!” from the kids at daycare. They’ve got some serious monsters attending that place.
8. I swear Sally’s never drawn on the dining room walls with lipstick before. Her teacher thinks we’ve got a real Monet on our hands and has been encouraging all kinds of artistic expression. Educators, huh?
9. I’m just as shocked as you are that Tommy wrapped up a fart and gave it to your daughter as a present. It’s not like we’ve ever joked about doing something like that at home. Not even once.
10. I don’t know what’s gotten into my kids to make them behave like a shrieking band of banshees. Must be all that sugar my mother-in-law keeps feeding them behind my back. That’s definitely it. Sugar. And mother-in-laws. Bad combination.