So you had a baby. Great! Congratulations! The hard part is over, right? No more lightning crotch. No more waddling. No more strangers wanting to rub your belly. (Unless they’re creepy and want to touch your un-pregnant belly in which case you should run away and call the authorities. That’s not okay.)
As you start on your new postpartum journey, there are some perks. There are also some downsides. Here are ten unfortunate postpartum situations you’ll face…
1. Bladder control. Now that you’ve had a kid, everything is loose down there. Unless you do your Kegels, but who actually does those? Who even knows what to squeeze? Since everything’s looser, pee can leak out all. the. time. Exercising? You’ll pee yourself. Squatting down to pick up a pacifier? You’ll pee yourself. Laughing, coughing, sneezing, lifting? Pee pee pee everywhere. Personal training for your vag, anyone?
2. Wanting to lie on your stomach 24/7. You’ve been a side-sleeper for months since you couldn’t lay down on your stomach and now it’s time to get all that time back. You’ll lie on your stomach while eating. You’ll lie on your stomach while playing with your baby. You’ll lie on your back on the subway because, let’s face it, that won’t be the strangest thing people will see on that train.
3. The bleeding. Remember how you hadn’t had a period for nine months? Guess what? All that blood will be gushing out of your lady fountain for weeks. And then some. You’ll change your pad and it’ll seem like there was a bloodbath that happened inside of your underwear. I figure this is how the universe prepares us for all the bloody noses and skinned knees our children will experience. It’s the cosmos’ way of getting us acclimated to the sight of blood so we won’t freak out when our kid somehow cuts their finger with safety scissors.
4. Phantom contractions. They may seem real, but they’re not, since, ya know, you just had the baby. But you will feel them. And adrenaline will begin coursing through your body. And all the fear and pain you felt from labor will give you PTSD-like moments where you are convinced that somehow the doctors forgot to take out another baby that was inside your uterus and now you have to go back to the hospital to get it out.
5. Habitually patting your post-pregnant belly even though there’s nothing in there but organs and stuff. Much like the phantom contractions, you will also find yourself still idly rubbing your belly even though at this point it’s just stretched out, stretch-marked skin that you can only hope will someday tighten back up and stop feeling like a loaf of bread dough. There’s no baby in there. Stop with the patting.
6. Hallucinating. You’ll be in the shower for all of thirty seconds, and something about the sound of water running makes youthink you heard your sleeping baby cry. You’ll burst out of the bathroom, naked, shampoo bubbles flying behind you, only to see your little prince is just fine. I’m sure there’s some scientific explanation for this. Like motherhood.
7. Gorging on all the food you weren’t supposed to eat while pregnant. Get thee to Subway and reserve a table. Bring on the cold cuts! And the moldy cheese! And all the processed, chemical-laden things! With WINE!
8. Compulsively tying and untying your shoes just because you can. That last month of pregnancy was so demoralizing because you couldn’t even see your shoes, let alone tie them. Now you can do both and it’s so liberating! It’s like you’re a four-year-old who’s discovered how to do it for the first time and you’re going to revel in this newfound freedom for a long, long time.
9. General psychosis (like wanting to get pregnant again RIGHTNOWTHISMINUTE). You do NOT want another baby right now. You only think you do because your hormones are crazy. Do not even bring up the topic to your significant other because they will look at you like you’re a crazy person (which you are) and that will make you rage-cry and that’s not a good situation for anyone. You’re crazy right now. It’s okay to think those thoughts but DO NOT ACT ON THEM.
10. A newfound ability to fall asleep anywhere in any position at any time. Thanks to sleep deprivation, you can sleep standing up, sitting down, on the phone, eating dinner, anywhere and everywhere. It’s nature’s way of saying, “Hey, I know you’re exhausted. I can’t make the exhaustion go away, but I can make it so you can fall asleep while lying down on the subway eating a turkey and ham sandwich and earnestly believing your baby is crying.”
So there you have it. The good, the bad, and the leaky!
This post has been sponsored by the PeriCoach System, a device and smartphone app made for leakers who dream of laughing and exercising without that “oops!” moment. PeriCoach really gets it. Really. Check out the ladies of “Leakers Anonymous…”