You might look for reasons to ‘forget’ and invite your pregnant friend to ladies’ night out or a stagette, but give it a second thought. After all, all that we pregnant ladies have to prove is that we can stay up past midnight and get a chance to flaunt our sexy mom cleavage and general increase in body hair. You may be skeptical, but let me tell you some reasons why we make stellar wingmen, or wingwomen, for girls’ night out:
1. No more drawing straws or waiting for overpriced cabs, we are built-in designated drivers for your night out.
2. We carry the big purse and will gladly stow your ID, four lip-glosses and that coat you are too cheap to check.
3. We have snacks on us at all times. Protein bar, cheese strings, chocolate, you name it. Nobody’s blood sugar is at risk of plummeting with a preggo nearby.
4. We make you look good. Our extra twenty plus pounds in all the awkward places don’t really put us in hottie territory. Stand close to us to look skinnier, more fun and like you actually know how to correctly use birth control
5. We will drag your drunken butt to the nearest Denny’s at the end of the night and fill you with greasy grub to soak up that booze. After all, we need to get our third dinner in before 2am or then we move into breakfast territory.
6. Creeper McGrinder Pants invading your personal space on the dance floor? Give us the nod and we will get rid of him. All it takes is a dead pan face and a desperate whisper in his ear that, “didn’t we meet around seven months ago?” as we cradle our bulging bump.
7. We can tell you what you really did last night and won’t judge, cause after all we were the ones who were crammed into nude a maternity Spanx onesie, pregnant, and in a bar.
8. Our selfie game is on point, and bonus, we are always in the bathroom. So hand us your phone and we will make sure your night is fully documented to Instagram with blur-free photos, flattering angles, proper bathroom lighting and witty hashtags.
9. If anything gets out of hand at any point, we can fake contractions to get out of potentially hairy or unlawful situations. A carefully placed water spillage can also up the ante in the fake urgency of our fake labor.
There are lots of upsides to including your resident pregnant friend on girls’ night out. The downside is we wanted to be in bed four hours ago, but give us a Tums smoothie and a foot massage and you can score an extra two hours of complaint-free wingwomanship.
It isn’t a ton of fun being knocked up and swollen all over, but that doesn’t mean we are a standing ‘no’ to all social events. After all, we are preparing for a depressing deficit in quality time we get to spend with our friends. So add us to the invite list, because really, at the end of the day we want to see you as much as we can before we spend our nights lactating and our days sleeping in piles of unfolded laundry on the couch.
Your Pregnant Wingwoman
Related post: 10 Ways to Piss Off a Pregnant Woman