We all know that, as moms, there is some suckage in every season. However, most will agree that summer is less irritating than winter. Kind of like how having your shower interrupted by screaming kids is less annoying than having a phone call interrupted by screaming kids. Or reverse that if it was a shower during which you explicitly told your husband to watch the kids. Moving on. Here are the top ten reasons that summer sucks less than winter.
1. No coats. You know how you’re totally on time, by which I mean 10 minutes late, and then you realize you misplaced at least two of the kids’ coats, one of their boots (they have six between them, shit happens), and all of their gloves? That doesn’t happen in the summer. Instead, you just forget sunscreen and suffer the reproachful looks of the other moms and your own gnawing guilt when your kid shows up sunburned to preschool.
2. No snow. You know how your husband gets to shovel snow and you get to stay inside nice and cozy with the kids, just eating s’mores and drinking hot cocoa? Me either. That shit doesn’t take an hour. You left me with these life suckers that long on purpose. Yes that’s crayon on the wall, I DARE YOU TO MENTION IT AGAIN.
3. Holidays that don’t involve gifts. A barbecue costs less than an American Girl doll, and you can teach your kid to be patriotic, like so: “This is Independence Day.” “What’s independence?” “It’s when you do things yourself.” “What do you mean?” “We used to be part of Britain and now we’re not.” “Who did? What’s Britain? Why aren’t we part of it? What happened? Do I get an American Girl doll for this holiday?”
Relatedly: drinking is condoned earlier during the summer.
4. Swimming. This is totally going to be the year that you can take your eyes off the kids long enough to read a magazine. Really. It totally is. (Spoiler: that US Weekly will remain as unread as those emails your kid’s preschool sends you about their daily activities … Every. Single. Day. Sorry again that I didn’t know about “Fruit Salad Day,” kids.)
5. Healthy and delicious snacks. It’s the season of fruit! What do you mean you don’t like plums? Who doesn’t like plums? I am not giving you Goldfish instead of the plum. Just take one bite. TAKE ONE BITE! Fine, eat the damn Goldfish and get scurvy.
6. The beach. Hey, you know what goes right through swim diapers? Pee. Really counterintuitive, isn’t it? You wouldn’t predict that from the word “diaper.” After a dip in the ocean, it’s really fun to try to predict when exactly your kid will piss right on your beach blanket. But no, this is super relaxing. We should totally get out here more often. Look, a seagull.
7. More playdate options. During the winter, it’s your house or the other mom’s house. And neither of you wants to clean up or provide snacks. But in the summer, it’s the playground. So you don’t have to clean your house for three months. Really. Yes, mother-in-law, that’s the unspoken rule of society. Call my friends and ask.
8. Cute clothes. You can wear your bikini or your romper. Or maybe your short shorts and your midriff-baring top. Ha ha ha ha ha. I can’t breathe. No, stop, I’m going to pee. Anyway, maybe you can wear your long floral tank dress that your husband must really like you in because he said his mom used to wear something similar.
9. Less rigid work schedules. Everyone relaxes in the summer. You can duck out a few minutes early. And then you can get ensnared in vicious bumper-to-bumper traffic. Where the hell are all these people going? The beach? On a Wednesday? MUST BE NICE.
10. No school. Ha ha ha ha!! This is the karmic revenge for all of the other (semi) pluses.
Related post: 10 Things Moms Need to Survive Summer