I’ve been a sports mom for over a decade now. Including soccer, baseball, softball, volleyball, swimming, wrestling, basketball, flag football, tackle football and end-of-season all-stars, my kids have been on 27 different teams. (But, that’s just a ballpark figure. Ahem, sorry.) No matter what sport it is, what state we’re living in, or what age our kids are, every team has at least one or two of the 10 sports team mom types listed below. Some of them are awesome and essential to the group as a whole. Others are…well, they make for good blogging.
1. Long Lens Mom
She’s the one with a camera. Not just any camera, though. This one has a zoom lens that’s strong enough to snap a close-up photograph of the right fielder’s index finger in his nose…at a baseball game three counties away. While we’re sitting on our behinds, fanning gnats and critiquing the coaches, she spends her time taking professional quality photos, not just of her own kid, but of all the players. She captures those incredible, nail-biting plays and the look on your kid’s face right as he scores. And then this jewel of a woman posts all 533,897 photos on Facebook for parents to download a few hours later. If there’s a mom like this on your team, be extra nice to her. Bring her chocolate and frozen drinks. She’s definitely a keeper.
2. Howler Mom
Or you might know her as “Wish She Had a Mute Button” Mom. Somewhere deep in the mechanics of this woman’s larynx is a built-in microphone with fully charged batteries. To say that’s she’s a tad vocal is the understatement of the season. People from miles away can hear her yelling at her son, your son, the referees, the coaches, the concession stand workers, the grounds crew and occasionally God. It’s no wonder her husband is usually drunk. Her vocal contributions aren’t limited to words. She chants, screams, hollers and shouts—often unintelligibly—depending on the score of the game. Once in a while you catch yourself wondering if her husband wears earplugs during sex. Oh, she also feels the need to coach every kid on the team, barking instructions loud enough to drown out the coach and confuse the poor players.
3. Confused Mom
She shows up on the wrong day for practice or forgets it altogether. She takes her kid to the wrong field, dresses her in the wrong uniform, forgets drinks and snacks, and is usually on her phone during announcements. During games, someone has to nudge her away from her deep conversation about TJ Maxx’s shoe department, to point out that her kid has the ball. At first you feel sorry for her because she has so much on her plate and seems so frazzled. But after 2 years of that crap, and realizing that she’s no busier than the rest of us, you just accept her as she is and bring extra drinks and snacks for her kids.
4. Bag O’ Everything Mom
Your kid forget his helmet? She’s got one. Need a soldering iron? Yep, she’s got that too. An extra glass eye? Sure! In fact, the bag this woman carries around is large enough to double as a carport. She could perform outpatient surgery with the extensive contents of her first aid kit. If she’d been with Jesus in Matthew 14, he wouldn’t have had to multiply the loaves and fishes to feed 5,000 because she’d already be carrying enough for everyone. God bless this mom, although we can’t help but be a tiny bit freaked out by how prepared she always is.
5. “Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t.” Mom
Yeah, she’s got a problem with it, no matter what it is. If the kids are wearing gray uniforms, she’ll complain that they should be wearing white. If the tournament is nearby, she’ll comment that the team needs to travel to face better competition. She’s never satisfied with any idea the coaches and parents have, but refuses to offer alternatives. Ironically, she loves to talk sports and about her kid’s team, specifically. She has conspiracy theories galore. If this team mom is making your life miserable, don’t worry. She’ll get mad and move her kid to a new team soon.
6. Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde Mom
We love this mom like 90 percent of the time. She’s charming, quiet, gentle and down-to-earth. And she’ll do anything in the world to help you out. But no matter how long you’ve known her, you still feel like you don’t quite know her. Every so often, during a game, this mom will shed her sweetness and turn into a stark-raving, overly-competitive psychopath, screaming death threats at the poor 9-year-olds on the opposing team. Seven seconds later, Mrs. Hyde is back to Dr. Jekyll again, continuing her bleacher conversation about the Baptist church’s prayer shawl ministry, while the rest of the parents are still stunned by her “episode.”
7. Never There Mom
You’re not sure if you’d even recognize her because she’s hardly ever around. And when she does show up, it’s never for an entire game. She doesn’t know any of the other parents and doesn’t care to. A high-ranking company VP, who is working on her pilot’s license and training for an Iron Girl competition, this life is all about her. Her poor kid’s sporting events fall on the priority list somewhere between pap smears and estate planning.
8. Pinterest Mom
I love this mom because I’m such a failure as a baker and crafter. She designs special team t-shirts for the parents and younger siblings. She bakes cakes for the players’ birthdays and brings them to the games along with special birthday plates and napkins. On any given game day, she was probably up until 2 a.m. the night before, making special treats for each team member. You sort of want to dislike her because she makes you feel like a slacker. But then she’s so darn genuinely nice! How could anyone not like her?
9. Control Freak Mom
No one’s really sure who made her queen, but make no mistake, this woman is in charge! From jersey logos to Gatorade flavors, it’s her way or the highway. Don’t dare to disagree with her or you. Will. Regret. It. It’s also a very bad idea to commiserate with another mom about what a bully this woman is. She has a well-paid team of moles. Get on her good side and stay there. And honestly, her ideas usually turn out to be the best anyway, as much as we hate to admit it.
10. Beauty Pageant Mom
She’s younger than you, prettier than you, skinnier than you, has bigger boobs than you, and cuter clothes than you. You want to hate her, but on top of her beauty, she’s nice and down-to-earth and funny and self-deprecating…and a great mom. You’d give your left arm to find just one thing wrong with her. But you can’t. Because nothing is.