10 Things I’m Happy To Call My Wife Bonuses – Scary Mommy

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10 Things I’m Happy To Call My Wife Bonuses

If you have been on the internet lately, you may have seen an article in The New York post called, “I Get A Wife Bonus And I Deserve It, So STFU.”

Written by an upperclass woman explaining that, because she stays at home with the couple’s child, that her and her husband have decided to give her a percentage of his yearly bonus so that she can buy high-end designer stuff. Outrageous, yes, but it’s their money, they can do whatever they want with it.

I’m too far away from the reality of spending $1500 on a single pair of shoes to understand the compulsion to do such a thing, but who am I to judge? If you have that kind of money and those shoes give you the will to face school drop-off for another day? Go for it.

I am currently a stay-at-home mom too. And I think I get A LOT of bonuses. My bonuses don’t look like Manolo Blahniks but I try to shop like I eat and I never buy anything that I can’t pronounce.

Here are some of things that I am happy to call my Wife Bonuses:

1. Fresh water. It comes right out of my tap! Like magic! My children are never thirsty unless it’s midnight and they are trying to ruin my life.

2. A roof. Roofs are awesome. Especially during rain storms and the 9- month-long season we Coloradans call “Winter.” My husband (the genius that he is) works outside of the home and provides one of these for us. It’s the best thing ever.

3. Shit I don’t need from Target. You haven’t lived until you experience the all-consuming rush of buying a 15 dollar shirt that you don’t need and which looks like a desperate attempt to salvage your youth. Whee!!!


4. Shoes. I have actual shoes on my feet! And I did nothing to earn them! Well, except that I cook and clean and shop and budget and I pushed 2 babies out of my love garden and supported and strategized and worried while my husband started his company and I also drive everyone everywhere always and I sign stuff and I have wiped my kitchen counter one hundred thousand times. And that’s just Tuesday.

5. Medicine. If my children have an infection, I can go to a doctor THAT DAY and get medicine. And I can pay for it too! Do you know what this is worth? Everything.

6. Well-balanced children who know that Mom’s self-esteem is not dependent on what she looks like. Oh who am I kidding?! That’s a lie! I get my roots colored every 6 weeks and I do a lot of maintenence to not look like the hideous beast that crawls out of my bed every morning.

7. The actual freaking luxury of staying home with my kids because I want to. It often doesn’t feel like a luxury – especially now that I have a 3yo who tells me that I wear my shirts wrong and is also experimenting with trying to control the axis of the Earth. But it really is a luxury. For me. Right now.

8. Choices. I choose everything. That is why, as the decider in the house, my google search history is taken so seriously and follows me like a bad hangover across every internet page I visit. I decide what we eat, what we wear, and what we wipe our butts with. I try not to let the power of it all go to my head.

9. The ability to clothe my children in the best consignment clothes out there. Because they don’t care what they wear as long as it twirls and you need to wear sunglasses to look directly at it.

10. And the ultimate “wife bonus?” Well, it has been said that the ultimate Wife Bonus is a Birkin “$15,000 starter model in taupe.” But I would argue that the biggest bonus I get is being there to teach my children that NOBODY CARES if they even know what a Birkin bag is.

Life isn’t easy for us humans. Lets not make it harder by stressing out about all the Stuff.