Once a woman has children, her social life changes radically. For one thing, adult socializing generally happens in the evening, and between the early morning wake-ups and the babysitter, the desire to go out and get rowdy can dim. Below, 11 ways your social life has changed since you’ve had kids.
1. You used to stumble home drunk and fall into bed. Now you stumble home drunk, peel off a roll of twenties to the babysitter while making awkward, drunk small talk, and then fall into bed. What’s the same? In the morning, you wonder where all your money went.
2. You used to have dinners with all your college buddies. Now you have playdates with one college buddy, who is the only friend with kids your kids’ ages, and yeah you weren’t even that close, but you’re so desperate for company that you’ll endure her pitches for a new “business opportunity” that is really a pyramid scheme in which you have to buy a gerbil farm and then convince your other friends to invest in gerbil farms too.
3. You used to go hear a lot of live music, shows that started at 10 p.m. or later. Now you attend 11 a.m. children’s concerts and wish they were even earlier, because you know when moms need some entertainment for these kids? Eight o’clock in the morning, when we’ve already been awake for three hours.
4. You used to plan out skimpy outfits for an evening of dancing. Now you take out the garbage in your underwear.
5. You used to have long heart-to-hearts with dear friends, sprawled on their futons for entire afternoons. Now you have hurried, distracted heart-to-hearts as the kids busy themselves with Minecraft and the adults try to discreetly bury some gerbils in the backyard.
6. You used to text around to see which bar everyone was at, now you text around to see which playground everyone’s at.
7. It used to take you 20 seconds to decide whether or not to go out. Now you need to check the calendar, clear the date with your partner, make him sign an affidavit that he’ll remember, hire a sitter, confirm 12 times, and when it comes right down to it, be tempted to bail anyway.
8. You used to go to the theater. Now you watch the dramatics of 11-year-olds who are “OMG GOING TO DIE” if they aren’t allowed to go to the pool “RIGHT NOW.”
9. You spend your time dreaming up new mom-friendly kinds of social activities, like “paperwork bees” in which all your friends come over and help you work through your applications, waivers, camp releases and health records.
10. The hot new restaurant? The hot new club? Pfffft. The hot new Netflix show, baby.
11. You used to have a lot of casual friends, and a lot of them have fallen by the wayside, which sometimes bums you out. But your new social life, which is so often rushed and/or accompanied by kids, is somehow richer, deeper and more connected to a sense of community than ever before. Now, who wants to come over for a paperwork bee?