My house smells like sausage and bacon. That's foreplay, right?
— Jandalize (@Jandalize) August 7, 2015
Helen Keller wrote 12 books and traveled the world as a social activist. I just walked around a piece of cereal instead of picking it up.
— doll butts (@findmydolls) August 4, 2015
You could spend years trying to find something that makes you happy but I find watching Hugh Jackman on horseback works much faster.
— The Miller's Tale (@JaneBadall) August 7, 2015
Last full week of summer. The week when I care more about where last year's school supplies are than I do about where my kids are.
— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) August 3, 2015
Hide & go seek with your kids is more fun when you go hide yourself in the bar down the street.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 6, 2015
Going on vacation for me is just waking up early for a different boss who is very demanding and will rip his clothes off for no reason.
— Lauren (@WorkingMom86) August 6, 2015
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 3, 2015
If you were wondering what three little girls have for breakfast in the morning after a sleepover, the answer is an argument.
— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) August 6, 2015
Ronda Rousey knocked that chick out in 34 seconds. It took me longer than that to open this box of Little Debbie's.
— RachRiot (@RachRiot) August 3, 2015
Sorry I'm breathing heavy but I just had to fight my way out of a group text.
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) August 3, 2015
Marriage is just a Mexican standoff over who's going to carry up that stuff on the stairs.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) August 6, 2015
The most difficult thing I've experienced in 10+ years of parenthood is hearing my kids use the word "totes".
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 5, 2015
“Ok so what’s my exit strategy?” -Me, immediately after walking into a party
— Katie Haller (@halleratyou) August 5, 2015
The Ice Cream truck should be called The Incredibly Awful Timing Truck of Impending Doom and Crying. But no one asked me.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) August 5, 2015