The population is split into four different categories of people when it comes to the subject of working out:
1. They love working out.
2. They don’t like working out but they do it because they know it’s good for them.
3. They hate working out and make up a lot of excuses for not doing it.
4. They hate working out, they don’t do it, and they feel zero remorse for their decision.
I wish I could be in category one or two. Heck, I even wish I could be in category four and just not give a hoot. But I do give a hoot. A small hoot. A hoot so tiny that it keeps in category three.
I want to workout. I think about working out. I look at my shelf full of DVDs plastered with pictures of gorgeous (airbrushed) people with ripped abs and tight booties and think, “Yeah! I wanna look like that!” Then I pull out my phone and eat a doughnut.
If you’re in the same boat as me but you’re running low on excuses to give others (or yourself) as to why you’re not getting your sweat on, I’ve provided 15 reasons you haven’t worked out to keep in mind for easy use.
1. The exercise machines at the gym are scary. I’m positive the essence of most workout equipment spawns from the torture device used on Wesley in the Pit of Despair in the cult-classic The Princess Bride. All those bars and pulleys and levers and weights. There’s something diabolical within all of them.
2. I don’t have any workout clothes. Ever since birthing two former wombmates in less than a year, my body is all out of whack. My fat and muscle (hahahaha) have relocated to different parts of my body and what I used to wear no longer fits. So that means I have to buy new workout clothes which just seems like a daunting task with two toddlers in tow. Although the gym is right next to Target…
3. I’m too tired. Kids are crazy energetic, off the hook needy, and they suck the life energy right out of me all day every day. I barely have the strength to raise my fork full of chocolate cake to my lips at night let alone lunging and squatting and planking and heavy breathing.
4. I cannot possibly get up any earlier than I already do. Nope. Not gonna happen. The baby monitor is my alarm clock and it goes off before most people even enter REM sleep. And that’s after seventy-four wake ups due to teething, colds, potty needs, bad dreams, and the desire to party at all hours. I am not waking up before I have to.
5. I ordered a new workout DVD but accidentally sent it to an apartment I haven’t lived in in years. That has to be a sign from the universe that me and jazzercise simply cannot be friends.
6. After working out at home, I’m so red and splotchy and frazzled that I look like Gary Busey and Elmo had a love child. I can’t go out into public for like that for several hours and therefore cannot commit to working out because what if I absolutely have to leave the house? A Starbucks shortage may ensue and I’ll have to leave immediately to stock up.
7. While doing jumping jacks, my belly fat jiggles which makes me giggle. And then I can’t stop giggling. It’s hard enough to catch my breath exercising as it is; laughing while trying to workout is practically impossible.
8. My kids used up all my deodorant in order to decorate the windows. I’m kind enough not to subject others to my stank, and now I have to clean my windows.
9. I’d have to take a shower. I can barely get a shower on days where I don’t do anything. I can’t guarantee anything concerning my hygiene. (See deodorant excuse above.)
10. I just ate and I’ve read that working out on a full stomach can cause the plague or something.
11. I need to eat first, and then I’ll be too full to workout, and then I’ll have to clean the kitchen, and then…
12. My hair constantly gets in my face. My solution was to get a new haircut, so I looked on Pinterest and, well, there went four hours of my life I’ll never get back.
13. I think I’m getting sick and I need to conserve all of my energy just in case.
14. I just got over being sick and I don’t wanna push myself too hard.
15. I actually packed up the kids, drove to the gym, and there were no parking spots. There were parking spots across the street at Target, though, which means I did get around to buying new workout clothes. All in all, today was a success.
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