The ultimate goal of motherhood is to bond, create memories, and excel at what we all likely consider the most important jobs we are ever going to have.
But, let’s face it –– sometimes it’s just about pure survival. I’ve noticed is that a lot of us mothers incorporate similar and, at times, unconventional methods of getting through the long days…
1. The Laser Glare: The ability to tell your kids with one look that they are in deep doo-doo.
2. The Thumb Lick: When you forgot your wipes and have to use your thumb to wipe your child’s face. Everyone’s done it.
3. The Old Reach-Around: The ability to break up a fight going on in the backseat while still driving.
4. Disassociation: When your kids are so bad at Target/Costco/StoreOfYourChoice, you are forced to have an out of body experience. You look down on yourself and think, “Look at that poor woman who had to bring her kids shopping. What a shame.”
5. Disowning: Closely tied to disassociation, you pretend you don’t know your own kids. “Who would dare bring their kids to Anthropologie?” you ask, not making eye contact with them.
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6. Vulcan Death Grip: When out in public, you don’t want others to know how angry you are with your children. With your teeth clenched tightly, you put the vice grip on your child’s shoulder with a fake smile pasted on, saying, “Why don’t we talk about this at home?”
7. Panic Room: I. Can’t. I. Just. Can’t. We’ve all gotten to this point, so we use this room when we … you know … just can’t. It’s usually the bathroom.
8. The Fakeout: You’ve spent years honing the ability to pretend you’re paying attention when your son has decided to tell you EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of the Lego game on the iPad … for the bazillionth time.
9. Weekend at Bernie’s: This is The Fakeout on steroids. You are so burned out (think end of the school year), you are a dead person who’s still being taken to functions.
10. The Stall Technique: After years of being asked for water about 1,000 times a day, you’ve learned that stalling is the key. You tell them you will get it in a minute and, eventually, they forget they’re even thirsty. Pea brains.
11. The “No, Honey, I’ll Do It”: This is more of something you pull on your partner. When someone calls out to get his butt wiped from the bathroom, you wait until you hear the other person start to head to the bathroom. When you know they are closer than you, you yell out, “Oh, you’ve got it? Okay, thanks!”
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12. The “Oh Shit, She’s Crazy”: I remember hearing a woman call into a radio show a long time ago, saying that the best thing a mom can do is to make her kids think she’s straight up nuts. I thought it was weird at the time but now practice this on a daily basis. You’ve perfected the crazy eyes that let them know you are on the edge, and you unleash them with perfectly timed precision.
13. The Yes Mom: You’ve heard of a “yes man,” right? The same premise applies here. You are overwrought with trying to instill the house rules, day in and day out, so you decide you will say, “yes” to everything (within reason). Chaos abounds. This is also called the “I Don’t Give a Fuck”.
14. The Petri Dish: You’re at the end of your rope (you’re sensing a theme by now, right?) and you have no more energy for the park and/or whatever other hands-on nonsense they’ve requested. You’ve decided you just want to sit there and veg out and stare at the walls (and occasionally at your children) so –– pathogens be damned –– you take them somewhere that has a giant ball pit and throw them in with the rest of the germ-balls.
15. Pulling the Parachute: You’ve given it all you could, but it ain’t happening. It’s time to ask for a hall pass and call a gaggle of your greatest gals. A group wine-tervention is imperative. For your survival.