Every day, there are parents who make me feel badly about my parenting: The school parent who volunteers three times a week, compared to my obligatory once a month visit. The neighbor who is always outside laughing and playing with her children while I glance out every five minutes to make sure they’re still alive. The mom who serves her kids hot breakfast while mine gobble down breakfast bars on the way to school.
Fortunately, there have also been some parents this past year who make me feel a little bit better about the job I’m doing. We’re all screwing our kids up in one way or another, of course, but at least I didn’t do any of the following things this year…
1. Put my daughter in a tanning booth to match my leathery complexion.
6. Land in jail for threatening little league coaches because my son didn’t make the team.
7. Leave one of my children at Chuck E. Cheese’s, only to realize my mistake when the police informed me of her whereabouts.
8. Encourage my daughter to be a pole dancer.
9. Do heroin and shoplift with my pre-teen daughter.
10. Sew my son’s butt crack together because he used the toilet too often.
I’d be willing to guess that you didn’t do any of those things, either.
See, you aren’t such a bad mother, after all!