Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Shari blogs at “Earth Mother just means I’m dusty“, a site she dedicates to the Almost Fabulous moms out there. And she knows what it’s like to keep trying–she once confessed out loud that she wished her blood type was A+, because A just wasn’t good enough. When she’s not blogging, Shari can be found doing her various free-lance writing jobs (Bison meat, anyone?), dreaming of Twizzler Pull’n'Peels and kissing her pugs on the mouth.
47 Years Old and (Possibly) Pregnant.
Or is it menopause?
All I knew yesterday was that I haven’t had a period for three months. No, I hadn’t taken a test because I’ve been really busy and only realized how long it’s been when I received an offer to do a giveaway of a fabulous new brand of tampons. While musing over the potential humor value of a ‘pon contest on my blog, I suddenly started doing a bit of mental math. Uh oh. I’ve been really busy.
So I sat with this information all day. Sat with all the possibilities. Is this a beginning or an ending? Am I going to bear another child or am I getting my child-bearing walking papers? Is my uterus waxing or waning?
I went through the full gamut of emotions. My 5 year old son and 6 year old daughter were cavorting to some insipid Disney tune and I found myself getting misty-eyed. “Look at them, the little darlings. I could do one more, couldn’t I? These two are growing up, they won’t be cavorting to insipid Disney tunes much longer. Oh, to feel a sweet babe a-tuggin’ at my nipple once more! ”
Score one point for possible pregnancy.
An hour later, my daughter was throwing a colossal tantrum, shrieking, “I’M GONNA COUNT TO THREE AND THEN I WON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE! ONE! TWO! THREE! OKAY! NOW YOU DID IT! I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE! YOU’RE A TERRIBLE MOMMY! I’M GONNA CALL A BAT TO FLY OVER AND BITE YOU ON THE NOSE!”
Score one point for possible menopause.
And it went back and forth like that for the whole day. Adorable moments led to thoughts of booties. Awful moments led to thoughts of my own bootie being saved from the scourge of further breeding. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell my husband for fear that he might faint or yak. For the whole day, it was my little secret, treasured up in my heart to be pulled out when I wanted to delight or terrify myself.
This morning my two best friends came by for coffee. I dropped the news casually, as if I were saying, oh, by the way, I might be buying a new dress, or I may never be buying dresses ever ever again because all my money has been returned to the Big Bank in the Sky. They were stunned, to say the least. Within two minutes, we were out on the street, walking to the CVS to purchase a stick for me to pee on. They sat outside my bathroom door as I peed on said stick. And as I peed, a thought went through my head.
“Please let it be positive, God.”
It wasn’t. And I cannot tell you how relieved I was. It was hard enough giving birth at 40 and 42, much less pushing out a watermelon from my very very tired 47 year old body. And we are so broke, we can’t even afford the kids we’ve got. And I already have a new baby, my blog, which requires so much time and care that I might as well be letting it suck on my boobs. But still… I did have that thought.
I’m a woman, after all. And for all of our emancipation, strength, and gurl power, we still are the only sex who has this special ability of bringing a human being into the world. And to have that potentiality taken away hurts. I have to admit, today I’m grieving a bit.
But then again, the thought of not having to try that fabulous new brand of tampons kinda rocks.
{ 69 comments… read them below or add one }
This post is mirroring my life. At almost 45 I’ve been regular my whole life, but I find myself almost 3 weeks “late” and all those thoughts are going through my head. I so don’t want to be pregnant again… but… the thought of having a newborn again that I can nurse and cuddle and rock makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.
But… my DH has had a vasectomy so this couldn’t be possible, right? Unless something happened and the “clip” got dislodged… or broke. I don’t even know if that’s possible.
Or… the more likely story… the start of menopause. Ugh! Not yet, I’m only 45.
I long for the days of no tampons. My favorite line of your post was that your new baby, your blog, might as well be sucking on your boobs!!! LOL!
Haha! I laughed at that too! :)
Kelly recently posted..Halloween and Upcoming Events
Seriously? You would be 66 when the kid graduated high school. Too old, in my opinion.
You know what they say about opinions.
hah! you beat me to it, Melissa. :-)
Madge, Really? Take it elsewhere.
MommyNamedApril recently posted..Ask and Ye Shall Receive.
you guys are cracking me up.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
Hi
I wrote a post on here about whether i’m too old to have a baby in my late late 30′s. Its great to see the comments as it rings true. I have to say the more I think about it the less likely it’s going to happen but thanks for sharing as it’s definitely food for thought.
SJ recently posted..I’ve Lost Enough Hair I Could Knit My Own Bed Cover!
That’s how I feel, but that’s just me. If others want to reproduce at that age, I’m happy for them :D
Being a young mom I more than understand why a woman would want to wait until they were older (aka more established financially) to start a family. Sometimes I wish we had waited until I was older, like my mother, to start a family. My mom and dad were married 10 years and my mom was 32 before they had me (the oldest). Then other times I’m glad that I won’t be 50 with kids still in the house.
Yep. I did the same thing at 45. I felt like I had an angel on one shoulder and the devil on another. Irony would certainly mean I WAS pregnant after a lifetime of having incredible difficulty getting that way. Alas, it was the beginning of the end for me. While I love have an entire drawer in my bathroom free now, there is a part if me that sighs when I see a baby…..then fortunately their toddler brother or sister snaps me back to reality. Now I have chosen to embrace that week every month when I normally would have been housebound. I asked the same question *could I be?*,on and off for 5 years and (my gift kept coming and going) and the rational answer was always…..oh shit, I hope not.
Yes, it’s always the toddler version of that sweet baby which snaps you back. What was that quote by Wilde, something like “There is no child in the world so sweet, but that his mother doesn’t love when he is sleeping.” That’s not quite it, but you get the gist.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
Oh do I hear you, I have a bff, friends since we were six yrs old, makes for adding the years when you tell your kids you’ve been friends for over 40 years!
Well, she had a new baby girl a year ago, a real surprise with her 12 and 14 yr old boys – she is adorable, but boy, its a lot of work having just visited with her. (but she is enjoying every minute I might tell you)
Having struggled with infertility, I have peed on more sticks than I care to remember, in fact, still have one unopened upstairs. It seems as tho I longed to be pregnant forever, and suddenly out of the blue – I feel too old to have another one and enjoy that my two can get ready and head anywhere we need to go & my older one can babysit them when I need too.
But I do believe that a part of us will always have a hankering, a just maybe, a what if …
but if it were down to tampons or cloth diapers … then I know where I am heading :)
By Word of Mouth recently posted..Wild and Crazy/Home Sweet Home
This post – exactly. With my cycle all over the place, every month I go through the whole delighted/terrified teariness…I even had a blood test recently to see if I was approaching menopause & the result was “No, fertile as ever”. I’m not sure if I want another baby (the 3 I have are exhausting & wonderful) or if I am just not ready to close that door. I don’t want to have regrets either way…
Love your post, especially the comment about your uterus waxing or waning. Do we clutch onto the maiden years or embrace the crone? Ha!
Mrs BC recently posted..Bathroom Renovation
Love “embrace the crone”! I think I have to steal that, Mrs. BC!
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
My husband had the snip-snip after our 3rd was born, so while I don’t worry if it’s ‘me’ that’s going through the ‘change’ I’ve had a couple times where I’ve thought, “my god, did he have some swimmers left??” At 37, with a 7 1/2, a 5 and a 4 year old, plus major PPD and clinical depression I need to be done! But then the thought of that tiny baby snuggled close to me enters my mind . . . that sweet sigh of the happily fed infant. Those first stirrings in your womb. *sigh* And my uterus actually feels a baby move. Then ole Auntie Flo comes and I thank God!
Kim recently posted..I Wish I’d Known . . .
Tried to get my husband once to get the snip-snip. He almost passed out at the thought. God love your man.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
My husband got snipped about a minute after our fourth was born. It took about four months for him to recover fully — what a baby!
Mrs.Mayhem recently posted..Ten Most Guilty Pleasures
This post made me laugh… and I totally get it. I am *only* (??) 37 and my periods are still regular, but I have started experiencing other hormonal fluctuations… the hot flashes, irrationality.. the things that come with pregnancy and post-partum, but I’m neither of those. And my doc said “perimenopause” and I got depressed. I hate thinking it’s the end and I CAN’T do something anymore.. even though I really don’t WANT to do it! So, I guess, for me, it is the beginning of the beginning of the end.
Jennifer recently posted..Slacker
your period is probably only on vacation. I doubt you’ve had your last. and don’t doubt your womb, with IVF you could still conceive!
That would be an interesting day…given my family history, I’m going to have to put up with this for another 20 years. Sigh.
Thank goodness for friends to get you the pee stick! :-)
Okay, but now I’m curious about the new tampons!!
Ally recently posted..Were Your Toys Loved
They’re called “Rephresh”–Google them, they really are pretty cool. For tampons, you know.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
We’ve decided definitely no more kids. I have an IUD and don’t get periods.
But my body thinks I’m pregnant sometimes. I’ve learned not to listen to it anymore, but it used to be mental torture.
Beautiful post (and PERFECT transcription of 5 year old scolding)
xo
Ann’s Rants recently posted..How to respond to people
Oh to have another baby to snuggle. I am 32 and I have 3 but my husband is done. And if I am done, I am ready to toss periods out the door. I don;t think I could handle the late periods and the hope that I might have another. This was a great post. So honest and I do think that no matter what age I am as long as I still get periods ever I will have a small hope that another baby is coming….and I will probably ask my friends first.
I’ve got a baby and a blog on my bewbs. Haha Loved that!
Brittany at Mommy Words recently posted..Inspiration from a Hot Air Balloon
I guess the decision to not have more kids has pained me too. Not in a depression or funk for days. But that little twinge of sadness that I have made two beautiful people, and our decision that not only finacially we can’t afford more, but mentally my postpartum was wicked and my DH fears me going back to that sad place just for one more. I can see where you would go back and forth. Nice title, it got me over here… FAST.
Feisty
Queen of Feisty recently posted..Magic Drink
Thanks, Feisty. Yeah, that sad place sucks. XXOO to your sad place.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
Woohoo to you. Baby=bad
Menopause= dealable
By any chance were those tampons the new Kotex click because serioulsy they do rock! But not so much that I’d want an extra period just to use them. Funny Post!
Raquel recently posted..Vote Blind or Not at All
Ha! Thanks, Raquel. I love a good equation.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
I feel the exact same way. I am 34 years old and when I was 30 I had my tubes tied.
I was in a bad marriage, had 2 sons diagnosed with severe autism, and I just knew I couldn’t take on a difficult pregnancy (because mine always are) and deal with the boys and their needs, that of a newborn, and a dead-end marriage.
So, I got a divorce. Then I got remarried. And now I wish I hadn’t had that tubal ligation…and yet we aren’t financially able to have it reversed and really we’re not sure we would if we could.
Its all rather heartbreaking at times.
Sunday recently posted..The Autism ShoutOut
Wow, Sunday. You never fail to intrigue me. Where do you live? I want to come and visit you and have coffee.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
I live in Maryland….not very far from Scary Mommy actually. I would love to have coffee with you!
Thanks, friend.
Sunday recently posted..The Autism ShoutOut
Hey, I’m in Jersey. This actually might work!
dusty earth mother recently posted..So whos crazy in YOUR family
Oh Shari, what a beautiful post. I could feel your every emotion. After, and I mean RIGHT after, we had Diego my hubs rushed off to get the snippety-snip. He was done. I was kinda done, but not as done as him. At the time, I was okay. I didn’t want another baby immediately. But a year into it, I began to feel sad. I longed for a baby to hold and cuddle. I wished we hadn’t made such a final decision. But now, as I watch my 3 and 6 year old run around the park while I sit on the bench (not for long, but still) I reallize I am happy to be where I am at. If the vasectomy failed and I got pregnant, I would be thrilled. But since it probably won’t, I am happy that I have my 2 healthy kids. And happy to be entering a new stage of motherhood. Sucha wonderful, touching post, Shari. I heart you!!!! And I am sending big huggles your way. xoxoxo
Thank you, sweet Naomi. And seriously, I am going to tell my husband tonight how many women responded that their husbands got the snip-snip. What’s he so scared of anyway? It’s only a knife touching his most treasured possession.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
I love huge life changing options that don’t require a decision – baby or menopause, you just have to wait and see.
It’s like when you’re approached by a guy in a parking lot – dropped something or mugging?
The possibilities require no action.
And I’m quite indecisive. So I approve.
(Though I would prefer having dropped something, if given the choice.)
Megan (Best of Fates) recently posted..Halloween on the Farm ie Here There Be Elvis
That’s deep, Megan.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
Funny how even when we’re “sure” we’re done having kids… There’s a part inside us that doesn’t want to be. I’m 38 with a three-yr-old. We’ve said we’re done, but there’s that tug… I understand the little prayer you said, and I understand the relief. Dear God, is there anything we can just be 100% SURE about? Lovely post.
Flawless Mom recently posted..Death of a Friendship
Ironic how when we all pee on that stick we send up that prayer for it to “please be positive”. Then after and it is negative we are still saddened by what we can’t have. The yearning for more even if we know we are done.
I hate that feeling. I just wish we could be content with our feelings.
What a well written post! I love this guest post thing you’ve got going on over here!
As for that worry/relief/prayerful moment as we pee on that stick….we’ve all been there!
Mammatalk recently posted..Curse of the Good Girl Book Review
I feel for you. It’s a sad place, that place between. I’m not there, tho’, and my place is a good place. Done. Done. Done. So very done that I’m thinking lakehouse and grandparenting and the second half — all while I still have an elementary kid at home. I love kids, and this is the best part of life, and I’m so very sad the reality that it will end is upon me, but to start over? No frickin’ way. Teenagers at 60? Shoot me please.
KMayer recently posted..In Life- Birthdays Happen
Oh Lord. I’m already going to have teenagers at 58. Shoot me first.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
I have kinda been hoping for that day of yours. I’m only 41 but I battled with the thoughts of having more children right after my third-I’m done! now all i want is the monthly inconvenenience to go away!!!
I’d repeat the test with a first thing in the morning urine test, because sometimes ones done with a pee later in the day aren’t accurate.
I saw a show on Discovery Health last night about women ages 68-70 who were having babies! ON PURPOSE!! I wanted to sew my hoo-hah shut.
“I wanted to sew my hoo-hah shut”.
That made me laugh so hard. I think I might put it on my tombstone.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
I’m about to turn 43 and I can’t imagine going through either a new baby on the way or no more visists from Aunt Flo. Our kids are now old enough that we can see sunlight through the nest…not that I am rushing it by any means….but when I hold my newborn nephew’s and smell that “baby lotion” smell…well…it would be nice. But I’m not ready to go through “The Change” either! Too young for that! I guess for now I’m happy in the middle! And FYI….I had a friend in a playgroup years ago mention her thoughts casually over coffee one morning-he was snip-snip, and her tubes tied…yet 9 months later…baby boy!!! It can happen!!
Kelly recently posted..Halloween and Upcoming Events
Wow. That’s intense, Kelly. Did they sue both the doctors?
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
My friends have referred to the *want* of having more kids when your brain says no – is that your “uterus is burning”, ready for more.
“Uterus is burning”. I like that. Sounds like something you need medication for.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
That part about being a woman and being sad about not being able to have babies? Totally got me.
:-)
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
Been there!
Oh, the first onset of menopause was feckin’ hayride, over a cliff, on fire!
So grateful for the instant gratification of the pee stick, nowadays…I could not imagine waiting, like my mother did at 46, for the Dr’s office to call with the results.
Oh and I remember that view from the top of the fence as I happily entertained the possibility of another child one moment and then thanking the dear Lord for no small miracles the next.
Rene
The title of your post got ME over here real quick, too! I am 29, but I totally understand where you are coming from in this; in a few weeks I will be undergoing a hysterectomy and all of my friends are like, “Oh, you’re so lucky you won’t have to deal with periods anymore!” I just smile weakly and change the subject but deep down I wanna cry because after all the years of bitching about my period and the “inconvenience”, I’m now having to come to terms with never beong able to have anymore babies. I have three now and I’d always toyed with having one more, but now I wish I had…this post almost brought me to tears because I have dealt with the very same internal battle, but I’d never dreamed of hjvn to deal with the onset of menopause and the loss of $y “womanhood” and my ability to have more childreb before I hit 30.
Oh, honey! I’m so sorry about this. Of course I know none of the details, but my prayers are with you.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
I totally understand your rocking back and forth of emotion and I feel deeply for the grief you feel even in the sanity of not having another child.
I found out I was having a surprise baby at 41 (delivered at 42). My doc told me my symptoms were perimen0pausal but shock of shocks, they were actually my son, Joshua (now 14 mths). What doc doesn’t do a pregnancy test, but that is another post!
In the week between suspecting and confirming my pregnancy I had all the ups and downs of thoughts that you went through so I can totally relate to your blog. I have two girls, now 10 and almost 13, so the LAST thing on my mind was another pregnancy. As much as I love my son, there were (are) many days that I wonder how the heck we got there from the relative quiet of a pre-pubescent household.
Enjoy the beginning of your new life without the PITA of tampons and keeping track. And love your family as they grow and evolve – enjoy the present. {{Hugs}}
Well, congratulations, and yes, that completely cracked me up.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
That push-pull regarding additional children is something a lot of us feel. There us something about making that choice versus your rigging declaring its retirement. Maybe your ovaries can start doing some housework or moving the car to the alternate side of the street now that they’ve given up their career.
Great post! Humorous and honest.
Erin, you are a wordsmith. “Rigging declaring its retirement” is poetry. And I’ll let my ovaries know about the new assignment.
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
Just a note from the other side of “the change” — it’s very do-able and before you know it you may not even notice that one week used to be different. I hardly remember it now, and my moods are MY OWN!
Also, talk to your doctor about any hot flashes or dryness. There are simple hormone-free solutions for both.
-WhyMommy, 37 (dont start worrying, mine was chemo-induced) and free!
Susan @Whymommy recently posted..Link-up
Thank you for the encouragement, Susan!
dusty earth mother recently posted..I’m A Scary Mommy
love this post. And I so, so relate.
Marinka recently posted..Please Don’t Make Me Look at Fat People
What a thoughtful post! I could imagine feeling the exact same way at 47. I’m only 31 now, but my mom had my brother at 39 and me at 43. I always secretly wanted a younger sibling, could have meant my mom having a baby at 47. Anyway, I digress. I loved the way you articulated your mixed emotions about the potential pregnancy/menopause situation. This story was so real, and I’m sure many women feel the same way that you felt.
Old School / New School Mom recently posted..Im a Big Brother Review – From Little One Books
very sweet… and makes you think. So glad she shared… and sorry about today’s sadness.
Wow, I can’t imagine having a kid at 47, but if it was meant to be, then I’d say congrats! Glad things worked out they were supposed to.
Allison @ Alli ‘n Son recently posted..Bigger Than My Flawed Parts
Yes, it is a time of mourning, and hard to take.
It says so much about time marching on.
You have to just work it through, then accept it.
I wasn’t ready. It happened so suddenly. I am 51 years old. And just like that, the fertile part of my life is over.
It’s something you don’t think of as ever happening to yu.
Seriously. You just feel like you will always be able to bear, you know?
I feel what you say.
Exquisitely written: with humor, but relatability, and such a sweetness to it.
Just excellent.
Alexandra recently posted..Depends On Who You Ask
I just recently had a slight shift, after sitting down with my husband and looking tearfully at our “budget” we saw a light – distant and faint at the end of a tunnel –
in September, our oldest will start 1st grade and our middle will be ready to start K – we will, for the first time in 5 years, have only one kid in daycare – WOW
WOW -
now…when I look at beautiful, cherubic babies – sadly – I see $200/ week.
They still have that intoxicating smell baby smell but….they look like $$$$ to me:)
Erin recently posted..The Fallout of Sanity- Fear- Faith and Fitful Sleep
First of all, hi Scary Mommy!
Oh Dusty – I freaked out when I read the title. I read it to Sir as well. We both eyed each other. I think I’m going to feel exactly as you do and it’s not very far around the corner. In the meantime, I’m about to be 41 and I keep hoping I’ll accidentally get pregnant with my fourth before it’s too late. Can you handle six of us visiting for Christmas?
But I have a feeling that it will be just the three. So don’t panic.
Oh man interesting :l
Jett recently posted..Baby Websites
You guys summed up my feelings so well. I was pregnant at 42 del at 43 . I got pregnant with the IUD at 42. I have a 25 year old 20 year old and a 4 year old. Oh and nana to a 2 year old. So here I lay on the couch 6 days late now 47 thinking surely not. I had my tubes tied,cut,burnt you name it but I can’t help hearing the doctors I rotated through during my high risk pregnancy that they called geriatric pregnancy, call me fertile myrtle . I took a preg test 2 days ago mid day that was neg. guess I will repeat tomorrow Really enjoyed post. Thank you so much