Do You Have a Baby?

57 Comments

bbbbbbIn my years of experience, I’ve learned that parenthood can be a tricky business. The answers aren’t always clear, even for what seem to be the simplest of questions; for example, some of you out there might not even be sure if you have a baby living at your house, which can make parenting even more troublesome. We get busy, or forgetful, especially with all the sleep deprivation we endure thanks to our demanding careers and/or babies screaming all night long, and suddenly you find yourself wondering, “Wait, wasn’t there a tiny person around here someplace?”

Before you go searching the backyard and feeling around behind the refrigerator for a baby you might not even have, I’ve put together this easy test to help you determine if, in fact, you are the parent of an infant.

1. Look down at your shirt, and determine into which category it falls.
A) It is clean, fashionable, and neatly pressed; I just put it on this morning.
B) It’s wrinkled and could probably use a wash, but it doesn’t smell TOO bad and is (relatively) stain-free. It may or may not have a few holes in it.
C) There are 5 or more stains, concentrated mainly in the shoulder regions; no more than two of the stains originated from something I was personally eating. I don’t remember when I put it on, but I do know I’ve slept in it for at least two nights.

Answers:
A: You are not a parent. You sound very polished and well-rested, and I hate you.
B: You are not a parent, either – it sounds like you might just be a slob. Pull yourself together.
C: Congratulations! You have a baby.

* * *

2. What do you do when it’s time for dinner?
A) Hop in the car – there’s a new sushi place only a half hour from here!
B) Go to your well-appointed gourmet kitchen that is fully stocked and sparkling clean, and whip up a nutritious, delicious meal for your family. You eat together at the dining room table, which does NOT have a view of the television.
C) Go to the kitchen, where there’s plenty of food for side dishes but you forgot to put any meat in the fridge to thaw, so all the ground beef is hard as a brick. Realizing you haven’t eaten all day, you get out a box of crackers and stand at the kitchen counter, trying to think of something to make for dinner while eating crackers until you aren’t even hungry anymore. Later, at about 10 PM, you will supplement your cracker feast with food that was left on other people’s plates, which you sample while you load the dishwasher. You don’t remember the last time you sat down to eat.

Answers:
A: You do NOT have a baby, unless you’re that couple who takes their baby to restaurants and are the only two people there who don’t notice she’s screaming her head off. You don’t have older kids either, because they would never agree to try sushi, nor would you think sushi was worth the effort of packing everyone in the car to drive an hour round trip.
B: I’m sorry to inform you that you are fictional. And I hate you.
C: Congrats on having a baby! Or an eating disorder. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.

* * *

3. How would you describe the color scheme of your home decor?
A) Monochromatic and modern – I like things to match, creating a pleasing design using texture and subtle pops of color.
B) Warm and traditional – I like deep colors, expensive fabrics, and rich wood tones.
C) Eclectic – The bottom layer of my home decor consists of decent quality, grown-up furniture mixed with cheap college throw-back items, with a thick top layer of random objects that look like several boxes of Crayola markers threw up on them. My home conveys the distinct feeling that an iceberg containing a Toys R Us store recently plowed through my living room, dropping its contents in its wake.

Answers:
A: You do not have a baby. The only “pops of color” parents get in their decorating are ketchup stains generated when their children throw chicken nuggets across the room.
B: You don’t have a baby; nothing parents purchase for themselves can be classified as “expensive” until their children are all out of college.
C: You definitely have a baby. A good rule of thumb: no childless adult purposely has anything on semi-permanent display in their home that boasts eye-jabbingly bright primary colors.

* * *

4. What was the most ridiculous thing you recently said out loud to another human being?
A) “I believe a two-party political system is the best option we have available for our government. Everything in Washington is positively dandy!”
B) “I’ll bet you I can spit on the cat from here.”
C) “Whats-a wrong wif my doodle? Does my wittle boodle bug have some poopity pants?”

Answers:
A: There’s no way you have a baby. First of all, parents rarely find the time or energy to have political discussions, because they’re too busy programming their V-Chips to prevent their offspring from getting warped by accidental Barney sightings. They also just plain avoid the topic, because thinking about politics depresses them with the realization that public schools are all going to be poorly organized crack houses within the next five years, but that it doesn’t matter because Big Business is going to explode the environment before their baby gets into kindergarten anyway.
B: I can only hope and pray you don’t have a baby. (Note to B’s baby: If you’re reading this, call 911.)
C: Congratulations – you have a baby! Or you’ve just suffered a stroke. Either way, you sound like a moron; I should know, because that’s exactly what I said to my baby not five minutes ago. There’s an unwritten rule that says to talk to a baby, you have to sound like you’re only mildly more mentally developed than they are. Unless you’re one of those new-age parents who talks to their baby as if they’re reading their dissertation to a committee of astrophysics professors. I hate to tell you this, but your baby has no idea what you’re talking about, and is not impressed.

* * *

5. What is the best time of day for you to unwind, relax, and just have some “you” time?
A) I like to get up early, before anyone else is awake, to meditate and do some yoga.
B) When I’m driving – I can organize my thoughts or turn up the music and just cut loose!
C) I lock the bathroom door and treat myself to a nice, warm bubble bath.

Answers:
Ha! This was a trick question, none of these people have a baby. Once you have kids, you can kiss “you” time goodbye – no one gets up earlier than the kids, you can’t jam out in the car because you’re too concerned about blowing out their tiny eardrums before they’re teenagers and have the opportunity to do it themselves, and infants are born with the innate ability to unlock the bathroom door, barge in, and announce they want a peanut butter sandwich, no matter how many deadbolts you install.

* * *

Well, I hope you found this quiz helpful, and if you determined that you do, in fact, have a baby, I hope she turns up before you have to call the authorities!

Comments

  1. 8

    Debbie says

    Hi Robyn,

    How I remember those days. Great quiz. And if you are feeling like you have life under control and always have schedule that you meet you don’t have a baby.

    And if you take a shower that is longer than 5 minutes, you don’t have a baby.

    Thanks Robyn for the smiles and hang in there ladies with babies.
    Debbie

    • 9

      hollow tree ventures says

      Thanks for the pep talk, Debbie! Now I’m off to shower – wait, that’s too ambitious. Maybe I’ll just try to rinse off in the sink.

      • 10

        Debbie says

        That was good. Rinsing off in the sink is going to work for awhile. Be sure to get those arm pits good! And don’t forget the clean wash cloth for the next sink rinsing.
        Debbie

  2. 11

    Kristen Mae says

    Hmmm… interesting… I… don’t have a baby. My kids are 6 and 3. Now I feel a little sad.

    But I AM wearing a clean shirt, and we just had sushi over the weekend – even the kids.

    So don’t worry – THE CHAOS GOES AWAY! But so does the adorable cooing, chubby little legs, and cute little gummy grins. Those really were some good years! <3

    • 12

      Amanda says

      I know!….I’m a new mom again and keep telling myself (through the colicky screaming) that I’d better enjoy it or else *gasp* risk thinking about having another just for the cute baby stage….someone slap me! lol

      I loved the part at the end about the deadbolts! I swear I must have slept through the baby-making sex with McGyver to have had my daughter who can master any obstacle set before her with only a laundry basket, wooden spoon and a pacifier ( all to get a cookie from the counter)!

      • 13

        hollow tree ventures says

        Agreed! Missing the chubby legs and gummy grins is what landed me this baby – just when my older kids had started to eat sushi and had lost interest in picking locks. ;)

  3. 14

    Jessica says

    Lol. I do, in fact, have a baby!!!

    as a side note…I’ve been known to get up at 3 am after a nursing session and take a nice looooong hot shower…until the hot water ceases to exist just to get some “me” time.

  4. 16

    Falon says

    This is hilarious! I laughed out loud at the thought of chicken nuggets being thrown across the room. And who doesn’t have a view of the tv from their eating area?!? Notice I don’t even say table… Who even eats at the table with kids these days?

    • 17

      hollow tree ventures says

      I hear you there – we didn’t even have a dining room table for the first three years we lived in this house!

  5. 21

    Taralee says

    I am totally 2c and 3c, eating crackers and cheese thinking on what to make for supper b/c I forgot to take something out to thaw and my color schemes are colors of the rainbow and toys that I can use to build myself a new wal-mart….very good at knowing if I have a baby, the clothes bit are so me aswell, way to go Robyn, thanks for posting these.

  6. 23

    Christina says

    I’m laughing so hard right now…people around me are looking at me like I’m a crazy bum. Which doesn’t bother me at all, by the way, seeing as I do look like a bum today because…wait for it…I have kids! Thanks for the belly laughs!

  7. 25

    Kiran says

    This is hysterical. I think our two party system is to die for by the way. As in it makes me want to kill someone most days. Which tells me I’m a parent because my tolerance level for bullshit has reached an all time low.

  8. 27

    Jeni says

    Um yeah, #1 is pretty much spot-on! You know you have a baby when you choose your tops based on which prints will best camouflage drool!

    • 28

      hollow tree ventures says

      Yup, I used to have a strictly solid-colors wardrobe. Now everything is patterned, even the stuff that used to be solid.

  9. 29

    Jody A says

    Question 6: How do you rate this blog entry?

    A. It was funny, informative, well-written, and gave me a much-needed laugh.

    B. I enjoyed reading this, but honestly I skimmed a bit because I was distracted.

    C. I…what?

    A: You don’t have a baby. You probably don’t even have kids if you’re alert enough to make such a cogent assessment.

    B: You may have kids, but likely not a baby.

    C: Baby. Mombrain.

  10. 31

    Mercy says

    I no longer have babies in the house, however #1 still applies sometimes, and #3 covers my house. There is more crayon, pencil, and chalk on the lower parts of my walls than paint – actually, it is hard to find a part that isn’t drawn on. And the toy trails, yes, I know those. I only pick up toys when I need to sweep and mop, otherwise it is a waste of my time. The same goes for making beds. I tried to keep cute matching bed covers on my kids’ beds, but gave up after keeping them looking neat became impossible.
    Now that they are a little older, I can finally get some “me” time. I’m lucky that my kids like to sleep in the morning, so I get up early to exercise and by the time I have to get them up for school, I’ve had a workout, shower and coffee. Don’t hate me. :)

    • 32

      hollow tree ventures says

      Luckily, those of us whose kids are still babies are too tired to hate you, and too out of shape to hunt you down. ;) Besides, how can I hate a fellow mom who lets her kids be in charge of the decor???

  11. 34

    Lisa says

    As I read this, I was in the bathroom, my 8 month old staring at me laughing, sitting in the doorway. If I put her outside by two inches with the door open , it’s the closest to alone time in the bathroom I will have for a long time ;)

  12. 37

    Ariana says

    My 3 kids are grown and this house can still answer C to question 2. I remember to buy meat, I remember to put it in the freezer, but does any one of the 4 people capable of making dinner in this house remember to remove said meat from freezer in time to cook for dinner do so? Tune in next time…

    • 38

      Hollow tree ventures says

      Oh man, I was afraid of that. I was hoping to just pin that one on the kids, but I bet I’ll be doing it long after they move out, too!

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