Hi Moms and Dads! I love you and your adorable kidlets. Being an aunt to your babies is almost always the bomb, except when you forget that I don’t have kids. I know it’s just that thing you call “mommy brain”—you are forgiven in advance. But here’s a handy list of things I still do that you probably don’t—at least for now.
1. Sleep in on weekends. Please don’t call me at the asscrack of dawn on a Saturday telling me that it’s the only downtime you have, so you really want to catch up! Because I know your kid just stormed your bedroom demanding breakfast at an ungodly hour and you’re too pissed off to fall back asleep.
2. Sustain uninterrupted adult conversations. When we do get to chat I am SO GRATEFUL; I know you rarely have time to call. But when you have to get off the phone eight times in a 15-minute conversation to attend to a random temper tantrum, toothbrushing-meltdown, bedtime debate, or other assorted parental minutiae, please understand that I’m likely to lose the thread. And I’d probably prefer to catch up when you’re really free. Brunch next month?
3. Have breakable items on my coffee table. Yes, that is an antique Japanese vase over there. I got it at a flea market upstate and I REALLY like it. When you visit (I LOVE IT WHEN YOU VISIT) I’m going to get a little neurotic about my stuff. Not because I don’t love your kid, but because I like my stuff, too. There’s room for both of them in my pad, as long as Tabitha knows that the vase is off-limits. That’s why I keep toys here for her.
4. Talk about sex, swear, and talk about sex while swearing. I apologize for my potty mouth, but you talked this way just five years ago. I’m definitely going to slip up sometimes and say “fuck” even when your kid is in the room. I promise I’m not doing it on purpose, so please don’t give me that look. Anyway, he heard it at school first.
5. Speaking of sex. I have it. OK, this one’s touchy. I know you’re still getting it occasionally (when you’re not too tired) but having to schedule sex on “date nights,” keep it quiet, and lock your door/hide in your own house can be a bit of a bummer. I feel you, I seriously do. But does that mean I’m not allowed to talk about my own exploits?
I know this feels like tough love, but it’s still love. How about this? Next time you want to get it on stress-free, call me a few days in advance—I’ll babysit! Bonus: I’ll hide the vase in the closet.