Human beings, by nature, are curious (nosey) creatures. Men often field inquiries centered on their careers. They respond to the “Where do you work?” and “Where did you go to college?” questions with ease. Women, on the other hand, tend to receive questions based largely around marriage and family. This comes as little surprise, given stereotypical views of men and women in society. For women, however, the questions can be fairly personal in nature. Since I am not a politician, I think a slightly updated set of replies is in order. It is 2015, after all.
1. When are you getting married?
– Hopefully before the baby comes.
– Next week. We just decided to invite close friends and family, and unfortunately, you don’t qualify as either.
– I’m desperate to settle down with one of the many middle-aged, hairless, hopeless men I get set up with, but none of them has asked yet. Fingers crossed.
– When I tire of having mind-blowing sex with strangers every weekend. I wouldn’t hold your breath.
2. Why are you getting divorced?
– We were just too damn happy.
– It seemed easier to spend the next 18 years coordinating schedules, money, holidays and activities for our kids from separate houses.
– My goal is to be the Elizabeth Taylor of our generation, but with less fame and money.
3. When are you going to have children?
– As soon as they are worth more on the black market.
– Why do you ask?
– We only enjoy anal sex, so it could be awhile.
– As soon as you stop talking about yours.
4. How can you possibly not want kids?
– The crushing financial burden.
– I’m worried they will turn out like yours.
– I know, I know, I’m doing exactly what I want with my life, I’m such a bitch.
5. Why did you have so many kids?
– Lots and lots of sex.
– We didn’t mean to.
– We thought of another baby name and just HAD to use it!
6. How can you stay home with your kids all day?
– You can’t beat the salary.
– I wanted a job that required 24/7 support with no breaks. Nailed it.
– Most days I am napping or sunbathing. It’s amazing how long children will watch Sesame Street if you put a bowl of candy in front of them.
7. How can you work outside of the home?
– I always dreamed of someone else raising my children.
– I’ve been applying for high-paying evening jobs, but no bites on my stripper application so far.
– Guilt is my favorite emotion.
It is satisfying to deliver the perfect comeback at the right moment. While these are not necessarily diplomatic or tactful, I hope they will come in handy at your next social or family gathering. But please do me a favor: leave out the anal one if the person asking is a relative over 75.
Related post: What Annoying Parents Say … and the Truth