What are the signs a man is in a midlife crisis? He buys a sports car, he has an affair, he gets a tattoo, he wakes up in the middle of the night wondering where the time has gone. Oh, and he starts riding a skateboard. Yes, you heard right. If the news is to be believed, a skateboard is the hot new midlife accessory, and you’re going to be seeing a lot of fortysomething men riding longboard decks to work, getting asymmetrical haircuts and hanging out at the half-pipe after dinner.
The funny thing is, men seem to think women find a man in business attire freestyling on a rail in the parking lot irresistible. “This thing is a chick magnet,” one 39-year-old skate rat in a suit told the New York Post. “Women like anything that’s unusual—and this is edgy without being over-the-top.” Oh, is that a fact, sir? I have a sneaking suspicion most of my friends who are raising teen boys would rather not be dating or married to one, but I could be wrong.
Herein, some other hot and sexy activities teen boys like (and grown women love!) that grown men might consider taking up to attract the ladies during their midlife crises.
1. Telling Fart Jokes
If there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who’s witty and doesn’t take himself too seriously. And by witty, we mean someone who can leave us in stitches by saving a silent-but-deadly under the covers for us when we get in bed.
2. Riding Dirt Bikes
We all like a man who isn’t afraid to roll up his sleeves and get his fingernails a little dirty. And if we get to scrub the grass stains out of his Levi’s, all the better!
3. Spending Entire Saturdays on the Xbox
Yes, we love to spend time with you, but we want you to have hobbies, those things you do that make you you. Like sitting in a dark room without peeing for 11 hours. We find it extra-sexy if you have your own custom Minecraft skin.
4. Hanging Out in the Mall Outside Auntie Anne’s Pretzels
Every man needs his man-cave, and you are no exception, lover. Yours happens to be a public space with benches nailed to the floor that’s across from the J.C. Penney. No judgment here!
5. Shaving for the First Time
Men who take care of themselves and take pride in the way they look are a huge turn-on to almost all women.
6. Slathering Yourself in Axe Body Spray
You know how some men just smell like men? That musky, masculine scent that’s just so male? It turns us into animals. Find your scent. Make sure it’s so strong it brings on a migraine when we’re in the car together. Hot.
7. Screaming “I Hate You” and Slamming the Door to Your Room
You know what women can’t get enough of? A guy who’s unpredictable. One who keeps us guessing. So go ahead and throw a temper tantrum. And while you’re at it, stop talking to us altogether sometimes.
It’s okay! We’re having our own midlife crises. If you need us, we’ll be over here mooning over photos of Scott Baio in Tiger Beat and making ribbon barrettes.