7 Ways to Keep the Mystery in Your Marriage

7 (LOL) Ways to Keep the Mystery in Your Marriage

My husband and I have been together almost two decades. 17 years. That is crazy. Especially since I’m only 31. Just kidding. I’m 40 and everyone knows it.

I believe there are some things that should be kept from one another. Basic human nature aspects that really don’t need to be shared. Sure this guy is your soul mate, the love of your life. But I try to keep him from seeing the elephant ear shaped labias in actual daylight. I think romance needs to stay somewhat alive. I try to keep a shred of dignity around him. If my efforts keep him wondering, keep him thinking, “this woman has such a mystique, even though I’ve been married to her all these years,” I’m doing something right.

Here goes…

1. Only wear those pore trip nose thingies on your nose when he’s not around. I even have ‘Frownies’ which are these stick on tabs you use to immobilize your face instead of Botox. They are like postage stamps for your forehead. He will never see me in these.

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2. Hide your Aunt Flo stained underwear at the bottom of the hamper. Better yet- wash everything yourself and keep your husband from laundering any delicates.

3. Don’t go #2 in his presence. Yes, my husband thinks I, like other women, don’t poop. And honestly, I’m just going to pretend he doesn’t either. There are limits in our marriage. We can go #1 in each others’ company, but #2 is strictly off limits. What’s the worst is when we have to go to a hotel and eventually I have to have my morning poop. I make sure the fan is on and I keep a travel Febreeze in my product bag.

4.  Keep from seeing each other’s anuses at all costs. I don’t think my husband has seen mine. I can’t guarantee what my husband saw of me during childbirth. It happened so fast and the poor guy was forced by the nurse to hold my leg. I told them no, that I wanted my hooha to be a sacred shrine of adoration kept intact in my husband’s mind, but they insisted. I don’t care that porn stars bleach their back door, this hemorrhoid-addled (yes childbirth was wretched on my body) butt isn’t going to be seen by anyone (except my gyno), not even a hand mirror I hold myself. And you can guarantee I will NOT be seeing his.

5. Don’t vomit on your spouse. Thankfully this has never happened to us. Once I puked on the bathroom rug and he graciously took it out to the garbage while I crawled back in bed with the puke bowl. Which is also the salad bowl I take to our neighborhood block parties.

6. Refrain from farting during sex.  This I think I’ve done actually. We had Mexican before for dinner. I had too many margaritas. We were rolling around in the sack and I did a Carrie Bradshaw to Mr. Big for him. I think he was a little distracted about the other stuff going on and continued as usual.

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7. If you’ve snuck his razor for lady grooming, rinse it off and put it back without his ever knowing. Pubes are kind of a mood killer. Hopefully he has done the same should he borrow yours ever. Guy pubes are pretty wiry. I’m counting on the fact that he doesn’t want my Lady Schick in that jungle of his. Not that he does any manscaping down there, but if he did shave his balls- it would so be some Mach 4 razor that is only man enough for the job.

So there you have it. I think I’m about 80% mysterious to my husband. I will do my darndest to keep from him my stained underwear, hemorrhoid asshole and nose strips till death do us part.  Truly, this is key to a long and healthy, happy marriage.

About the writer

Rebecca Gallagher writes for Frugalistablog and is a mom, wife and minivan driver. She likes sarcasm, Daniel Craig and croissants. Not necessarily in that order. You can find Frugalistablog on Twitter @rebeccatg88, Facebook and Pinterest.

From Around the Web


Mama 12 months ago

I hate to break it to you, but your husband has likely seen your anus. Have you ever done doggy style? Yes? Then he has seen your anus! Unless you are really, really overweight….then maybe you’re safe.

Chris 1 year ago

I happened upon this and just had to comment from the guy perspective. Unless you husband is abnormal, believe me, he LOVES seeing your labia AND your anus. Are you telling me you’ve never done doggy style or 69?? Pretty hard NOT to see it! Plus, I’m surprised you haven’t worked at least something anal into your repertoire after 17 yrs. Definitely no farting or bathroom nastiness in front of each other. Couples like that are insane. But again, guys are very visual, so seeing you vag, ass, and yes, even your a-hole is highly erotic!

Michelle Hensen-Allen 1 year ago

Too funny!!!!!

Anonymous 1 year ago

I agree wholeheartedly with all the comments about boring sex. If your man hasn’t seen your anus at one point or another you don’t do it doggy style let alone any anal play. Your anus is nothing to be ashamed of!

kyara 1 year ago

P.s. My husband put hemorrhoid cream on me after birth because I was too sick to do it myself. That is love.

kyara 1 year ago

I couldn’t disagree more. Mothers have enough to worry about. Appearing “perfect” I’m front of their husbands is completely unrealistic and unfair. Men do these things all the time, but women are expected to refrain to appear more ladylike? Are we in the middle ages? Ridiculous. I’m not saying to be distasteful on purpose or anything, but life isn’t all roses and butterflies.

Laura Walter-Norwick 1 year ago

I completely agree! I follow ALL these rules(w exception of child birth)…some privacy is warranted….still don’t use bathroom in front of each other after 11 yrs

Jenni Eike Raygosa 1 year ago

Some of you need to lighten up. Geez!

Jenni Eike Raygosa 1 year ago

OMG lol hilarious!

Sue Gusso 1 year ago

Funny and scary too:)


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