2014-THANKSgiving

7 Ways to Keep the Mystery in Your Marriage

259 Comments

7 (LOL) Ways to Keep the Mystery in Your Marriage

My husband and I have been together almost two decades. 17 years. That is crazy. Especially since I’m only 31. Just kidding. I’m 40 and everyone knows it.

I believe there are some things that should be kept from one another. Basic human nature aspects that really don’t need to be shared. Sure this guy is your soul mate, the love of your life. But I try to keep him from seeing the elephant ear shaped labias in actual daylight. I think romance needs to stay somewhat alive. I try to keep a shred of dignity around him. If my efforts keep him wondering, keep him thinking, “this woman has such a mystique, even though I’ve been married to her all these years,” I’m doing something right.

Here goes…

1. Only wear those pore trip nose thingies on your nose when he’s not around. I even have ‘Frownies’ which are these stick on tabs you use to immobilize your face instead of Botox. They are like postage stamps for your forehead. He will never see me in these.

2. Hide your Aunt Flo stained underwear at the bottom of the hamper. Better yet- wash everything yourself and keep your husband from laundering any delicates.

3. Don’t go #2 in his presence. Yes, my husband thinks I, like other women, don’t poop. And honestly, I’m just going to pretend he doesn’t either. There are limits in our marriage. We can go #1 in each others’ company, but #2 is strictly off limits. What’s the worst is when we have to go to a hotel and eventually I have to have my morning poop. I make sure the fan is on and I keep a travel Febreeze in my product bag.

4.  Keep from seeing each other’s anuses at all costs. I don’t think my husband has seen mine. I can’t guarantee what my husband saw of me during childbirth. It happened so fast and the poor guy was forced by the nurse to hold my leg. I told them no, that I wanted my hooha to be a sacred shrine of adoration kept intact in my husband’s mind, but they insisted. I don’t care that porn stars bleach their back door, this hemorrhoid addled (yes childbirth was retched on my body) butt isn’t going to be seen by anyone (except my gyno), not even a hand mirror I hold myself. And you can guarantee I will NOT be seeing his.

5. Don’t vomit on your spouse. Thankfully this has never happened to us. Once I puked on the bathroom rug and he graciously took it out to the garbage while I crawled back in bed with the puke bowl. Which is also the salad bowl I take to our neighborhood block parties.

6. Refrain from farting during sex.  This I think I’ve done actually. We had Mexican before for dinner. I had too many margaritas. We were rolling around in the sack and I did a Carrie Bradshaw to Mr. Big for him. I think he was a little distracted about the other stuff going on and continued as usual.

7. If you’ve snuck his razor for lady grooming, rinse it off and put it back without him ever knowing. Pubes are kind of a mood killer. Hopefully he has done the same should he borrow yours ever. Guy pubes are pretty wiry. I’m counting on the fact that he doesn’t want my Lady Schick in that jungle of his. Not that he does any manscaping down there, but if he did shave his balls- it would so be some Mach 4 razor that is only man enough for the job.

So there you have it. I think I’m about 80% mysterious to my husband. I will do my darndest to keep from him my stained underwear, hemorrhoid asshole and nose strips till death do us part.  Truly, this is key to a long and healthy, happy marriage.

Comments

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  1. 1

    My Half Assed Life says

    I don’t care how intimate you are with somebody, some things are meant to be private. Especially anuses.

    Farting during sex – definite no-no. It starts the giggles. Once the giggles start, Mr. Penis will think everyone is laughing at him and so much for sexy time.

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  2. 6

    erica says

    I’ve broken ALL these rules. I have vomited on him, he has seen my anus and all my insides thanks to an awesome csection. But, overall I wouldnt want it any other way! :) imo

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    • 9

      erica2 says

      I have broken all of these rules, too (except the puking one, and the fart was discreet!), and I feel the same way. We started a relationship with a full-disclosure policy and it was amazing, and so we’ve kept it in place. I like that we both feel human and accept and love each other anyways. It doesn’t seem to kill the sex at all.

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  3. 13

    LynnZMbH says

    Yes! Yes! Yes! I agree 100% I’ve been with my man for 8+ years and I’m pretty sure he’s still convinced that I don’t poop or fart ever. Very important to keep sexy time… sexy.

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  4. 15

    Regina says

    Um yeah, I giggled through this. The whole hubby holding the leg up, totally reminds me of when I had my daughter and I forced my husband to stay by my side and keep his eyes on mine, so he wouldn’t see blood and get all wobbly.

    What he’s saw, we don’t talk about.

    Love your story!

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    • 16

      Frugalistablog says

      My guy didn’t even cut the cord, he was that squeamish. They asked if I wanted a mirror and I said no. It just wasn’t doing it for me! Glad you liked the post!

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  5. 17

    Lady Estrogen says

    Excellent points!
    I farted once, but I laughed it off as a queef… but it totally was a fart. Shhh.

    He is well aware (and in agreement) that our “in sickness” vow does NOT include having to wipe each other’s bums — ever.

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    • 18

      Frugalistablog says

      Ugh, can you imagine changing his diaper when he’s old? Oh heavens. Hmm, I’ve queefed. He thinks those are cute and we giggle. But the other end, not thanks.

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      • 19

        Lady Estrogen says

        NO. I truly can’t imagine.
        Nor is he wiping mine! If we can’t afford a home care nurse, than show me that you really love me & smother me with a pillow.

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  6. 22

    Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments says

    So true. My husband won’t even pee in front of me. See, romance is not dead. However, some unspeakable *shit* happens during childbirth. He tried to talk to me about it once and I put my hand over his mouth. SHHHHHHHH, Honey…just be pretty. So great, Frug! xo

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    • 23

      Frugalistablog says

      He doesn’t pee in front of you? You are so lucky. I wish mine would not pee so loudly in front of me. It sounds like Niagra falls hitting the toilet bowl.
      Oh, do not speak of the ‘shitty’ childbirth experience. It might have happened with my son… ‘shhh’…

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  7. 24

    Mary Beth says

    Oh my goodness…I just about died laughing about the puke/salad bowl. As someone with a small kitchen with limited cabinet space, our bowls are very…um…multipurpose!

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  8. 36

    Hollow tree ventures says

    I’m afraid I’m in violation on 1 and 2, and maybe 4 thanks to a similar childbirth situation, although I pretend like he didn’t see anything. I think I’m good on the rest, and I plan to keep it that way!

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  9. 38

    Toulouse says

    Around our house, we believe in maintaining some mystery as well. We vowed never to go to the bathroom in front of each other when we got together. However, we weren’t planning for the first house we lived in when we got married, which had only one bathroom. Most of the time we managed to abide by our rule but there were one or two occasions during which he was in the shower and I had a poop emergency. Still give me douche-chills to think about it.
    It was a blessed day when we moved into a house with more than 1 bathroom.
    Love this post!

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  10. 40

    Melissa says

    Hahaha! Great post.
    I’m guilty of everything except #5. He has seen me vomit, does that count?? I actually feel being that open has helped our marriage. Been together 12yrs, 7 of them married.

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  11. 42

    Keesha says

    I would not poop in front of anyone! Why would I want to subject anyone to that?! Brava for me -I met your checklist! Woo-hoo! Except for the underwear thing – I am way too lazy. Hilarious post, Frugie. And congrats!

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  12. 48

    Nicole(Whole Strides) says

    If he hasn’t seen your anus and you haven’t seen his, it would seem that you have some pretty boring sex! LOL. That is one that I have no intention of following.

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        • 55

          Valentine says

          Agreed! Sounds like boring sex to me! And he doesn’t see her labia in the sunlight?

          We don’t poop in front of each other as a smelly courtesy but this list sounds very old fashion… hide Aunt Flo underwear? Don’t fart? Don’t use his razor? First, you should have your own razor. And he doesn’t trim? Yikees! Again, boring sex! Toss the bloody underwear and buy new ones. Don’t use the nose strips in front of him? Has he only seen you with makeup on too?

          Look, I’ve been married for 10 years and read my hubby this list and he rolled his eyes and said “I’m glad I married my best friend not some Stepford wife!”

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          • 58

            jmc123 says

            Love this comment I thought I was the only one reading it thinking hmmm whelp, broke all those rules long ago! Married 4 yrs and he loves me in all my pooping/razor stealing/daytime sex(anus showing) glory. The only thing I really keep private is when I’m in the bath grooming myself. I don’t want him to see me shaving/tweezing/waxing my unwanted hair. He thinks its cute when I fart. And I’m sorry but even after a csection we have daytime sex in the light and I don’t care. He worships my whole body which yeah includes my butt! Lol and daytime quickies are commonplace with a toddler. Naptime hello!? I would be miserable in the writers marriage but to each her own if she’s happy. IMO I couldn’t spend life hiding so much though!!!

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          • 59

            Kate says

            That’s what I was thinking!!! How does that depict a woman as being ‘mysterious’ to her husband? I thought we marry our best friend? Someone who knows everything about you… Sorry nut all those rules are definitely for the step ford wives!!!

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      • 60

        pattie says

        agree 100% If you haven’t seen each other anuses and are afraid to show him your lady bits in the daylight then sorry honey but you don’t understand men! to prove this point I read this to my hubby and he said “feel sorry for that dude” The only thing i do agree on is the poop thing, but then again I get stage fright to poop in front of ANYbody. The rest is just being human. My hubby loves those pore strip things, he even wears them!

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    • 62

      Annette says

      Thank you for saying what I was thinking! Missionary under the covers only? My husband delivered our middle child (he came before the midwife made it) and let’s just say the baby wasn’t the only thing that squeezed out. Nothing is sacred in our house.

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