I’m headed for the white padded funhouse one day soon, courtesy of my family.
They do all the normal stuff. Miss the toilet bowl. Throw dirty clothes all around the house. Let Chef Boyardee blow up in the microwave (and never attempt to clean it). I can handle the typical inconveniences that most moms experience. What I cannot tolerate is all the extras that are thrown my way.
Here are eight that will have me rocking back and forth in a corner before you know it:
1. Using the bathmats as water collectors.
Bathmats are meant to protect you from slipping and falling. They are also meant to absorb excess water so that floors don’t rot and mildew doesn’t take over. Yet in my house, bathmats replace towels and become so soaked and nasty, I have a hard time lifting them to wash. This is not the YMCA. We are not at the beach, people. Dry your bodies off before stepping out!
2. Stuffing trash in between the couch cushions.
Really? REALLY?!?! The kitchen is literally within arm’s reach and you dare stuff your string cheese wrappers, Popsicle sticks, and paper plates in between the couch cushions? Who does stuff like that? Oh, yeah. My family.
3. Pouring something and leaving the container next to the fridge.
It would kill you to actually reopen the fridge door and put the OJ back on the shelf, right? There must be some man-eating llama lurking inside that makes you too afraid to finish the task, because there is simply no excuse for this level of laziness.
4. Going on a Taz-like rampage when looking for something.
There is a right and wrong way to search for something. The wrong way is turning into the Tasmanian Devil and dismantling the entire house. The right way is to ask the person who could most likely point you in the right direction. MOM! The missing polka-dotted sock? It’s still in the dryer. Your car keys? They’re sitting on the counter. You’d see them if you moved your hand an inch to the left. The blue shirt that matches your gray pants? Dude. You wore that yesterday. It’s in the hamper. Calm your shit and stop tearing the house apart.
5. Carrying the trash out and leaving it NEXT to the trash can.
All it requires is a lift of the lid and a little muscle to wrangle a full trash bag into the proper place. Instead, I wake up to discover banana peels, old boob pads, and half-eaten diapers decorating the yard. You know why? Because you left the trash NEXT to the bin! Pepé Le Pew and his twelve best friends had a midnight picnic! Now go pick up the trash!
6. Wearing dirty shoes all over the house.
We have a shoe rack. We also have a shoe mat. But where do their shoes end up? Nowhere. They choose to wear their wet, muddy, filthy foot coverings all through the house and then say, “Oops. I forgot,” when reminded that shoes come off at the door. There’s the mop. Use it!
7. Leaving the utensils behind when doing the dishes.
Do forks have West Nile Virus? Can knives spontaneously stab you? You’d think so, because when my family members are tasked with doing the dishes, somehow utensils are not included. They’re always left in the sink for someone else to do. (ME!)
8. Pressing their faces against the window glass to see inside.
I spend hours each week trying to keep the glass inside the house clean and streak-free. Blame my OCD. But I refuse to spend a second cleaning the outside of the windows because you feel it necessary to peek inside with your faces mushed against the glass. It looks like Casper has been playing musical peeping Tom all around our house. Keep your mugs off the glass!
As much as I love my family, they are now keeping the drug companies and hair dye manufacturers in business. One day soon I’ll be sharing a room with Crazy Sue at the Nuttyside Inn. Until then, I need to go poke holes in the milk jug and hide the bathmats. Two can play this game, bitches!