There’s no denying that little kids are cute. They have perfect little faces, soft skin, and wispy, bouncy hair. But the truth is, they’re also pretty disgusting. They fart and burp, they pick their nose — and they even poop like grown men.
Basically, kids are just kind of uncivilized. Here are eight ways I’ve discovered that kids (toddlers, in particular) are the absolute grossest.
1. They stare at you while they poop.
Why? Why do they feel the need to have an audience while doing their business? They’ll actually request company to poop, even get a stool for you to sit on and everything. Sometimes they’ll want to chat. Sometimes they’ll just stare. Either way, gross. Just gross.
2. They pick their noses in public.
Boogers, to me, are the ultimate in disgusting. I can handle barf. I can handle poop up the back. But as soon as you show me a booger, I’m dry heaving like the morning after a ladies’ night out. Now that I have kids, my life revolves around little nose pickers. Basically, 1 in every 4 kids pick their nose at least once a day, and 1 in every 5 pick their nose at least five times a day. Ugh.
3. They refuse to wipe their runny noses.
According to kids, they never ever need a tissue. Ever. They seem to think they’re evil. So instead, when I see my kids’ noses running, I’ve started to hand them a Boogie Wipe to wipe their snot. They’re soft and gentle saline wipes for the kids’ delicate, but gross little noses. My kids like the soothing aloe and the fresh grape scent. I like that they no longer look like they haven’t washed their faces in an eternity.
4. They sometimes lick toilets.
Children seem to enjoy a fun little game that I like to call “Let’s see what disease we can get today.” One of those games involves licking the side of a toilet. My toddler actually did this more than once. The horror.
5. They eat food off the floor in a public place.
They’re drawn to floor food. Doesn’t matter that you’re out in public and your feet are actually sticking to the floor beneath you. There’s a Cheerio! It must be eaten!
6. They’ll make you sniff their bums. Multiple times.
When have you ever, ever sniffed a bum — multiple times in a day even — before you had kids? Never. Because it’s not okay. But when you have little kids, it becomes a part of your regular routine. Smell something off? Sniff a bum. Smell nothing but want to know if your kid has done their business? Sniff a bum. It becomes almost normal.
7. They’ll pee on the floor by accident and then stomp in it to see how far it can splash.
Don’t encourage them not to splash in their urine! They’re exploring! They’re curious beings! You must not be a spirit-crusher.
8. They’ll play in toilet water.
Because sensory play is fun, of course. Disgusting and horrifying to adults, yes. But to kids? Pure enjoyment. My inner Howard Hughes is shuddering right now.
Boogie Wipes are made with saline to dissolve boogies (mucus) caused by the common cold, allergies, or otherwise-booger-filled kid moments. Extra soft and scented in Great Grape, Fresh Scent, and Simply Unscented. Boogie Wipes are recommended by parents and pediatricians as a gentle, effective alternative to a dry tissue. Available at your local Walmart or Walgreens.