Somewhere between the torture of potty training and your child learning to hold it in, there exists a purgatory in which you’ll face years of repulsive bathroom experiences with your potty trained kid. People will often assure a stressed out mom that her toddler won’t walk down the aisle wearing diapers, and that’s probably true. All I’m asking is, can’t we at least wait until they learn to squat before taking to the potty? Here are nine times you’ll wish your kid was still in diapers:
1. When the Airplane Is Taxiing
This is a lose-lose scenario. You’re either getting called out on a speaker by a pissed off flight attendant who clearly has no small children while 200 passengers give you stink eye for potentially delaying their takeoff, or your kid is sitting miserably soaked in piss for the next several hours. If I’m going down, I’d rather do it not smelling like urine.
2. When Someone Has an Accident
It was so much easier to toss out a diaper than to clean crap out of a pair of underwear or pants. There’s no more humbling experience than picking dried poop off of polyester.
3. In a Dirty Gas Station Bathroom
Wait, I was wrong. Cleaning the toilet seat in a gas station bathroom is definitely a more humbling experience. In fact, it’s fucking disgusting. And that pink slimy soap might even make your hands nastier than cleaning their crapper.
4. When Your Kid Has to Poop in a Porta-Potty
I have no words. Those things make my stomach turn and watching my kid sit on the seat as I attempt to keep them from falling into the gaping abyss of vile blue liquid is among the least enjoyable six minutes a parent can endure. (See previous comment about squatting).
5. The Last Five Minutes of a Movie
This one sucks most if you have other kids with you, because they’re not missing the end without a fight. So while you’re frantically grabbing coats and arms and hurdling grunts of “get up now,” you’re getting yelled at by a bunch of preschoolers and getting the evil eye from people trying to watch the movie. It just sucks.
6. When the Toilet Has an Out-of-Control Automatic Flusher
I don’t know about your kids, but that scares the hell out of mine. You finally get them to sit on the seat and suddenly there’s water spraying their little ass, followed by an explosive flush they weren’t prepared for. Now they have to piss like a banshee but won’t go near any toilet in the room, which they’re convinced is trying to suck them into hell. My kid had to poop at a birthday party once where the toilet kept flushing every time his ass went near it. After 10 minutes of me begging and him crying, I put a paper plate on the floor and let him go on there. Again, no words.
7. When You’re on the Highway
Passing through random towns, no idea where you are, no rest stop in sight. Suddenly you have to exit to some bumfuck village and find a Kmart to take a piss in. On the way out, your kid will have the audacity to bitch for a new DVD and cry for a Kit Kat. After that, I’m usually lost and searching for the highway for an hour.
8. During a Nice Dinner
When you’re in the middle of your meal and you have to stop to wipe someone’s ass, and then go back to your meal, it just doesn’t feel the same. It’s one of those things I’ll never be numb to.
9. Anywhere, When Your Child Starts the Piss Bounce
You know this dance. It happens fairly soon after your kid assures you she doesn’t have to pee. Hand goes to the crouch, eyes start to squint, and suddenly she’s lightly bobbing, saying “but now I have to go so bad.” And it’s on—you have about 60 seconds ’til piss shoots out her ears. Fuck the Employees Only policy, your kid is pissing in their toilet or they better get out the mops. This is how Sandra Bullock must have felt in Speed.
So next time you stress over potty training, take a deep breath and embrace the diaper. Before you know it, you’ll be racing for the toilet at an Exxon station wishing for the good old days.