Sarah Fader records anecdotes from her daily life at at Old School New School Mom. She also currently runs blog workshops for elementary school children in New York City and provides freelance transcription services for major television networks, in between running after a two year old.
I recently wrote a post about the fact that I’m an unmarried mother to a 2 year old, and my boyfriend and I are expecting another child. I wrote it to record some of the insensitive and hurtful statements that people have made based on my relationship status. For example, many people have questioned the paternity of the second baby. Apparently, because I’m not wearing a wedding ring I am automatically deemed promiscuous.
After I wrote the post about being unmarried, ironically, I received a hateful comment from an anonymous reader. It read:
“You are the product of how our society has become so immoral……there is no shame now in bringing illegitimate children into the world. We have become a Godless society…..and you my dear are helping us along the road to destruction. People have become soulless and just look to their own pleasures to fill empty lives….this is very sad.”
Aside from the fact that it bugged me that this person failed to use ellipses properly, I was stunned by the antiquated point of view inherent in this comment. This individual appears to be living in the 1950′s where women were made out to be pariahs for having a baby out of wedlock and sent to homes for un-wed mothers.
Sadly, it appears that society has not evolved in the past 50 years. We are continuing to judge other people’s life choices. Whether or not I choose to get married is my decision, not society’s. It is not up to strangers to dictate my relationship status both Facebook or in “real life.”
There is so much judgment out there with regard to parenting, I’m beginning to wonder why people can’t just mind their own business. Why they feel they need to tell others how to raise their children. For example, when I sleep-trained my son, I cannot tell you how many people told me that I was “traumatizing him” and how he would end up being a “detached child.”
Or when I chose to breast feed for a year, people repeatedly asking me “When are you going to wean him?” I wanted to say “Back off!” But instead I politely said “When he’s one.”
So why does society continue to adopt such a judgmental stance? Maybe it has to do with feeling important. If you can judge another person, tell them what to do or how to act, perhaps it makes YOU feel better about yourself. You feel you’ve asserted your authority over another person, and therefore have more power than they do.
Let me return to my anonymous reader. Perhaps this person felt more important because he/she told me how to live my life. Maybe this person feels badly about their own life, and it makes him/her feel better judge me. Whatever the case maybe, I believe it’s time to stop judging others and start living our own lives.
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I have a husband, am heterosexual (well, duh? hence my first statement), and my parents are still married after 30 something years.
BUT, my two year old stood on the top of the kitchen table and poured an entire salt shaker into my laptop last week. I breast fed him for a year to make him healthier, but he has an ear infection every 48 hours! The twins watch more TV than they probably should and I would rather blog than cook dinner right now! I feel like a single parent for the hours hubs works and my efforts at home mostly go unnoticed.
So, I’m not judging anyone! If this one gets out of line (hubs I mean), Imay jsut cash him in for an older model. One with a lot of money. One foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel!
Enjoy your life, forget those others. Misery loves company!
Jennifer recently posted..Mortifying Mommy Moments–GIVEAWAY!
This was pretty much the funniest comment. It made my day!
Oh yeah! Laughter truly is the best medicine. And if that doesn’t work there is always tequilla and lemon wedges!
Jennifer recently posted..Mortifying Mommy Moments–GIVEAWAY!
Don’t let the haters get to you. I’m happily unmarried and have been for 10 years! And, I have two bastard children from two different fathers. OH, the horror! As I get older, I care less what people think about my relationship status. I’m a great mom and a pretty kickass, do-gooder person. I recently had something published in the newspaper and I was attacked for writing that 7 years ago I was on WIC. When you write something, know that you’re going to piss off someone, somewhere. The loudest and majority are not the same. You’re fierce and lovely and have my support!
Six Year Itch recently posted..Wordless Wednesday- Scary Portrait
Aw! Thanks so much!
People are just way to judgmental. I say that after I just ranted on Rock On Mommies about Parents need to Discipline their kids. haa haa!
theresa @rockonmommies recently posted..It Used To Take a Village…
it’s really crazy, when i started blogging about 6 1/2 years ago, i found a group of the most supportive, positive people to commune with during a really important time of my life. i’ve recently started reading “mommy blogs” as i get ready to enter another really important time in my life. i’m looking for a little community beyond my own community to gather some support, insight, and LAUGHS! i have noticed so so much negativity, judgement, rude remarks…i’ve wondered if it’s a sign of the times? has the culture, the economy, the universe become more tense in the last few years? has everyone just got a proverbial stick up their ass? makes me ever more grateful for the women behind the blogs i read regularly that are pumping positivity, REALITY, acceptance, and major major humor into the world.
alisha recently posted..I’m back! And so much prettier…
Fyi my comment contact info wasn’t posting correctly. Anyway, this is Sarah Fader. Thanks for all the support!
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..Co-Sleeping and The New Baby Part II
People judge me because I dress my daughter in miniature AC/DC t-shirts and jeans skirts (she looks really cute in it, nah).
Tell them to go do something unholy to themselves.
When you have a blog and leave it open for comments not everyone will be agreeing with you. I have left comments at times and I know they don’t agree totally with what the person may be writing about on their blog at a certain time, but I tell them I realize they can trash or delete my comment easily. I don’t care if they hit the button and make my comment disappear, it’s their blog.
It’s one thing to disagree with someone, it’s quite another to make judgments about a person’s soul over the internet. I’m just saying…
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..Co-Sleeping and The New Baby Part II
The issue was not, as far as I could see, that the people disagreed with her life, I did not see that anywhere on her replies here or the original post. The issue was the WAY they did it. I do take offense to that, being civil in disagreement is becoming a lost skill in our society, and that is SAD. She did not attack the person, nor did she delete what I can only imagine was a hurtful reply to a non-combative post. She addressed it, politely and with decorum. Attacking someone’s child, especially verbally, can get you in serious trouble. Verbal abuse lasts longer than any skinned knee or black eye, I state this from experience. And anyone who does not realize that making statements such as this is going to get them in serious trouble with ANY mommy (or dad, or grandparent, or sibling, or…..) is not thinking clearly, not the articulate woman who wrote this. I face this type of judgment in my daily in my own life and if you do not, please consider yourself VERY lucky. Things people say hurt, when they are said about your SOUL or your kids or your significant other, they can enrage. If someone objects to something, they should do so with politeness and some sense of tact, not slinging insults and dogma of any kind. That is part of being a grown up, right?
I can tell you right now, had these things been said to me about my family, I would not have been this nice, I would have made the woman cry. We can blame that on the hormones, right?
Amen sister! I could not have said it better myself!
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..Co-Sleeping and The New Baby Part II
I get SUPER annoyed with people being flat out mean or rude when people have different opinions than others. I am sort of an enigma, lol. I am A redneck tree hugger for example :) there are many more, but that’s my favorite and the most confusing to the rest of the world! I deal with judgment all the time, from all area’s, and I HATE IT. I didn’t see you attacking anyone back, if you did it was in a way that was so nice it didn’t hit my radar. You were hurt, and I completely understand why, and then oh the bombardment of meanness, on a post about judgment, I could only think, REALLY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Keep it up, I enjoy your writing style immensely!
How very JUDGEMENTAL and INTOLERANT most of you are! You have all shown how your hearts are full of HATE for the person who dared to give an opinion to original post. How could any of this be hurtful and upsetting? They are just words, words only have the power YOU give them……get over it…..stop being such a WIMP and get on with your life!! Are YOU so insecure you have to MILK this for all the sympathy you can get?
Don’t you just love the way, no matter what you are or where you come from, YOU ALL love to gang together to KILL the messenger.
I wonder would you ALL be the same if it were Jesus who said those things to you……just a thought.
Words they were and hurtful ones. I believe calling someone a “wimp” and “insecure” is quite judgemental and dare I say mean.
I have to be honest and say that those words did hurt me, because I am human.
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..Co-Sleeping and The New Baby Part II
This comment feels harsh, insensitive, unkind, and judgmental. But what bothers me MOST about it is the attitude that it is okay to make such remarks in Jesus name! No wonder Christians have a bad reputation!
Beth Zimmerman recently posted..Mission Re-Write China 2010
OK. Whoa.
Now, someone correct me if I’m wrong, but would Jesus ever say those things? They certainly don’t seem very Christ like to me. But, what does a Jewish girl know, anyway?
It’s NOT! And it breaks His heart! He referred to the people who tried to separate the seekers from the truth by harsh judgments and legalism (rules without love) Pharisees, Hypocrites, Whitewashed Tombs, Dens of Snakes, etc.
Beth Zimmerman recently posted..Mission Re-Write China 2010
Thanks Beth! Great point!
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..Co-Sleeping and The New Baby Part II
HA HA HA! I’m Jewish too! I think we better consult the experts.
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..Co-Sleeping and The New Baby Part II
muahahahahahahahahahahahah!
Idk…maybe we need to find a preist to buy indulgence passes from.
Another thought … Jesus said, “Let him without sin cast the first stone.” He didn’t say the sin was okay. But He chose not to condemn the sinner. Unless YOU are without sin … you shouldn’t be condemning either!
Beth Zimmerman recently posted..Mission Re-Write China 2010
Um whoa.
Jesus would not like your attitude right now.
That was directed at “SANDRA” by the way. And why is she yelling?
‘THE TRUTH ALWAYS HURTS’ and ‘SOMETIMES IN LIFE ONE HAS TO BE CRUEL TO BE KIND’ if only to wake you up to the TRUTH of what has been said.
Sandra,
Please, and I am saying this as nicely as humanly possible, use some manners when addressing people who have not injured you or your loved ones. It should not surprise you that other mothers in this woman’s situation are angry or even outraged. Disagreement does not have to equal pain to another, and it shouldn’t ever. When you attack someone in this manner you are opening yourself up to be attacked right back, and it has not occurred. This is a relatively peaceful group, the regular commenter’s anyway, and no one has been mean or cruel to anyone in response to the negativity that has been leveled. I am not quite sure of what TRUTH you are speaking of and if it is about this amazing woman tearing at the fabric of American society, I will caution you that the “American Family” is VERY different in the current era and you would be wise not to judge. If it is about the “christian” thing, please refer to your “bible” (if you believe the King James version to be accurate in any way, shape, or form, then the word belongs in quotations) Mary was not yet married to Joseph when she conceived Jesus, so judging unwed mothers is judging the Saviors mother as well.
Please keep yourself civil, as I am sure you would not intentionally be mean and spiteful to other mothers of any kind, lest you would be treated that way yourself.
Now, THAT BEING SAID as with as much politeness and tact as I can possibly muster at my current hormone level I shall add another comment in word you may understand more clearly:
I am hormonal as hell, and can make grown men cry with words alone, I have no patience for ignorance and intolerance of ANY kind, let alone people who attack Mothers who are like ME and way too polite to be rude or mean in response. This blog helps bring the humor and joy into motherhood. If you can not tolerate and respect that, do not read the blog, or at least don’t comment on here, instead do it on your own page to people who are as ignorant as you are. IN OTHER WORDS, BACK THE HELL OFF.
Please consider yourself warned, Please and Thank You Very Much,
Preggers Step Mom, or Jeri, or Crazy Pregnant Bitch (I answer to all three right now)
Wish I had the time to reply to this but off to France any minute. However, I’ll leave you with……If you have anger in you have no Love, if you’re impatient you have no Love, and I have been blessed with, yes you’ve guessed it, a wealth of Love, till next time, have a beautiful day x
Sandra,
Your continual attacks of these women is NOT speaking well of what I assume you believe is your Christian witness. I hope that they will choose to start deleting or ignoring you as you seem to be delighting in the opportunity to spread your judgment of people living different lives than yours far and wide. In the meantime I will leave you with a couple of thoughts!
First … and I intend NO judgment on anyone by this comment … if these mothers, that you are judging and finding guilty, are not believers in Jesus, then they should not be expected to act as if they were! You seem to be saying “Call a sin a sin.” But the only time we are supposed to do that is with our fellow Christians!
Second … the call of believers is NEVER to sit in judgment! That’s God’s job! Our only call is to LOVE! To be salt and light! To be a witness of the power of God’s love in a surrendered life! Harshness and judgment is more likely to drive people away from Jesus as it reflects badly on Him! And you know what He said about that! “It would be better to have a millstone tied around your neck and be tossed into the sea.”
Third … I am not sure where you are getting your definition of love but you might want to check 1 Cor. 13 and compare it to your own behavior and verbiage on this post!
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
It seems that perhaps you should focus less on getting people to follow rules and more on reaching hearts! It is after all the job of the Holy Spirit (not you and I ) to convict people of their sin! And Jesus does not require that they clean up before being saved! He says “Come just as you are!” and then HE convicts them of the areas they should change.
Enjoy France!
Beth
Beth Zimmerman recently posted..Mission Re-Write China 2010
Love for all is the utter ideal of CHRISTianity, my dear. And one form of love is to not let bullies go after people. Anger is not a sign of a lack of love when justified, and not used to harm another, but instead to motivate people to change themselves, and lovingly help others to see the error of their JUDGMENT. Impatience’s is also not a sign of not having love, it is in fact a human issue across the board. So, LOVE is not the issue here, or lack of LOVE. Judgment, intolerance, rudeness, tactlessness, and being flat out MEAN is. If we did not love our families, and care about one another, we would have just kept our mouths (fingers) silent, instead of letting it be known that this woman is not alone, and we face the same issues in our own lives. If this is this love, (and support for others) I hate to see what your definition is.
This will be THE LAST comment back to Sandra, I am allowing her attitude to effect my CHRISTian Zenness, and I can not do that while preparing for the birth of my little girl. I hope that Scary Mommy and Old Scool/New School Mom do not feel as though I am abandoning this cause, but even I can see where a battle with ignorance is lost, and chose to withhold my opinion untill it can be of some use to wipe ignorance out.
With that I am off to spend time with my family who is also tearing at American society, and laughing at all the people who when they see my big old pregnant belly automatically check for a ring! The love of my life would love to “make an honest woman” out of me, but, he has to get through my own DAD first, ha ha! (Joking, my Dad loves him VERY much, and could not have picked anyone better for me if he had tried. God does work in mysterious ways, huh?)
My Dear Scary Mommy fans, YOU ALL ROCK MY SOCKS OFF!!! Thanks for letting me know being a mom can be fun still, and that if the kids are still alive, it wasn’t that bad a day!
XOXO
PReggers
oh god. seriously, SCREW THEM! You don’t need a piece of paper to make you good parents. In fact, sometimes it makes things much harder. People are so dumb. Seriously, fuck em. Losers. xoxo
Allison Zapata recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
XOXO!! You rock Allison!
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..Co-Sleeping and The New Baby Part II
Wow – I know there are a lot of divisive mothering topics out there that you really cannot win on: breast or bottle/cloth or disposable/ crib or bed chare / CIO or no-cry… the list goes on. However, I must say I’m shocked that anyone takes issue with marital status (and all that other jazz) anymore.
Welcome to the 21st century people!
harrietglynn recently posted..What I learned on my summer vacation
I’m a happily unmarried mom too – and I must say, we are one delightful set of parents. I honestly can’t wrap my head around a generation of women who (still) consider it unforgivably rude to ask a lady of her age or weight – but find it perfectly acceptable to ask if you’re going to “do the right thing” and get married or how you’ve decided to feed your baby. My two cents say that the type of judgmental nutcase who would accuse a stranger of bringing on doomsday because of her marital status could do a lot more damage to a kid than said stranger.
beckie recently posted..1- 2- 3 go
Thanks so much Jeri and Beth! In my opinion, love is unconditional and does not involve hateful words. I will reiterate, I have no problem with someone disagreeing with me either in person or virtually, but (as Jeri pointed out) there is a way to dissent civilly. Additionally, if one is able to express their differing opinion with class, it resonates more. That being said, it’s up to the commenter which tone he/she chooses to use.
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..Co-Sleeping and The New Baby Part II
WOW i can’t believe anybody could write such a hateful and hurtful thing definately since there are so many single mothers in society out of wed lock. if people can’t say anything nice they shouldn’t say anything at all.
Thank you so much, for writing this. I am a mom to an 8-year old and a 1-year old. I’m engaged- for the FIRST time, yep, had both of my wonderful amazing children out of wedlock, and the looks, and attitudes of people have long made me sick. It pisses me off to no extent that people have judged me over my son (don’t get it so much now, because baby girl’s daddy is my fiance). When I made the choice to have my son, I could not change the fact that his father ran away like a dog with his tail between his legs. Would it have made these judgmental assholes happier if I had aborted him- NOT a chance! Having him was by-far the best thing I have ever done, or should I say, the best gift God has ever given me. I wasn’t even that young-22, young, but I had graduated college. Did that matter, nope, they passed their judgment. My dad, rest his soul, always said “Keep your chin up,” and that got me through it all.
For the record, I’d like to say that despite my son being to a single parent, he is a very well mannered, clean, happy, healthy, and superiorly intelligent (he was tested by his school, I’m not just tootin’ any old horn) young man. Some married parents cannot say that.
It is WRONG to judge someone, especially when you do not know the circumstances that preceded their situation. “Judge not lest ye be judged.”
Just to set the record straight, I am not religious, never have been. I do not belong to any church or church run organisations.
I have been married twice and have four children, two children in a marriage and two outside of marriage…..sooo been there done that!!
Anyone who has a differing oppinion to you all, no matter how it’s ‘worded,’ you can’t help but judge the messenger. Just look at all your comments and nasty words you have all used. You can’t see how angry and judgemental YOU all are!! But I don’t hold any of it against you…..and yes words can hurt, but not from complete strangers…..please!
If someone swore at you and said terrible things to you in a language you could not understand how would you react? You would have no clue what they were saying so there would be no reaction from you.
What if you could all meet every moment without resentment and overreacting to what has been said and done to you, ‘like water off a ducks back.’
Every time you get mean and resentful, no matter how rational or justified it may be, or to whom, you are forging that bond of anger in you, ever deeper, until ‘it’ becomes part of you and you think it’s ‘normal’ to be this way……well I can tell you it isn’t.
We all need petty resentments to stoke the fuel of anger…..everyday……until we don’t.
Have a good day…….and yes I had a wonderful time in France, visiting my daughter :)
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