HOME. SURROUNDED BY WET POOL TOWELS, AN OVERFLOWING SINK OF DIRTY DISHES AND MASS CHAOS.
Lily, screaming at the top of her lungs for an unknown reason.
Evan, naked, running circles around the house chanting “I have a big booty” repeatedly.
Ben, wearing 6 pairs of socks, attempting to skate across the family room floor.
Enter the babysitter.
Evan shrieks, “No!”
Ben announces that he has to make a big poop.
Lily stomps upstairs.
Pandemonium ensues.
Me: “Guess what?! Never mind, you’ll never guess, so I’ll just tell you. It’s crazy! I just landed a book deal. A real, live book deal!”
Ben yells from the bathroom, “Mommy, come here fast! I need you to wipe me.”
Evan sticks his finger in his nose and examines the contents. He wipes them on my jeans and walks away.
Lily discovers that her computer game has been turned off and informs me that I am the worst mother in the world.
Sitter: “Wow! That’s so exciting! What’s the book about?”
Ben: “I don’t think you wiped me all the way, I feel poop in my tushy.”
Lily: “Did you not hear me? I said you are the meanest mother ever. Meaner than any of my friend’s parents. Meaner than Miss Hannigan. Meaner than a witch. Just so so so mean.”
Uncomfortable silence.
Me: “Um, parenting…”
Sitter: Blank stare.
End scene.
{This is not a work of fiction. Confessions of a Scary Mommy available from Simon & Schuster, April 2012. Eeek! }
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{ 179 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG!!!! CONGRATS!!!! I totally will buy it!!! YAY!
Congrats! Can’t wait to see it!
AWESOME!!!!!! I’ll buy it, for sure! And thank you for making all of us normal (AKA Scary!) moms feel better!
So, what I got out that was YOU GOT A BOOK DEAL!! CanNOT wait to read it! Congratulations!
Can’t wait till it comes out!! Congrats!!!
ZOMG! Congrats!
Oh God, I can hardly wait! You are gonna rock the Bestseller’s list, my friend!
Wow! Yay! Congrats! Can’t wait to see it! Read it!
And – thank you for making my insanity seem more normal. :D
Hot damn. Congratulations. Boogers, poop, and games be damned! (As I wonder why DO they think it’s ok to leave the computer on?).
lol…I will SO buy it…and then some. will make a great gift.
I am so thrilled for you. Not because of the snot on your jeans or the fact that you’re still wiping butts either … Book deal is awesome!
Congratulations!!! I’m so proud of you! :)
That is awesome! Honestly, your kind of parenting is the best parenting!
Lee
Congratulations!!! So flipping awesome!!!
Congratulations!
Mazel Tov!!! Can not wait to read it.:-)
That is just simply fantastic. YAY!!
PS. IF THIS FLOOR DON’T SHINE LIKE THE TOP OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING, YOUR BACKSIDES WILL!
OK. I feel better now.
Phew.
Holy crap in your son’s butt!! Congrats lady!!
Congrats! I will buy it and make all my friends buy it too. And then perhaps contemplate a lawsuit b/c judging from the scene in that post, you are clearly plagiarizing from MY family. Use your own damn material, lady. Although I guess in my house what I hear is “I’m donnnnnnne” wafting from the bathroom. Which is my cue to go wipe some ass. God I love being a mother. I can’t wait to read your book.
Haha, I get the “I’m done” thing too. Except in a cranky voice.
Hoorayyyy!!!!! That is so exciting!!
congratulations!
Way to go!
Congrats! Will it be available in Belgium as well? I so want to read it!
CONGRATS!!!
woot! woot! congrats! :) can’t wait to read
Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. How cool is that? When u
you get back from SD, I want a phone call so I can congratulate you live!!!!!!
Wowza! So way cool, congrats!
Wow!!!! Congrats.
Is it bad that I just snort-laughed?
All of this means you’re a REAL parent, not a theorist, so congrats!
Congrats!
Now, you better go finish wiping that tush…
Congratulations! So very exciting!
That’s wonderful news.
That’s so fabulous! Congratulations! And what a way to start off BlogHer!
AMAZING! Congrats!
Congratulations!!!
Yay for you! And how perfect …we can all spend Mother’s day saying “just leave me alone -Mommy’s reading some VERY important material!”
That is just awesome! Congratulations!
CONGRATULATIONS! And I’m cracking up at your description of the scene when you came home and shared the big news…could it have been any other way? I’ll look forward to seeng your name on a glossy, gorgeous, honest-to-goodness book! Well done, you!
How awesome! Congrats!
Woohoo! That’s WONDERFUL! :)
That’s amazing Jill!! Well done…..I will definitely be buying it x
I think you should write a screenplay instead of a book. Now that would be quality drama…especially the tushy wiping part :)
CONGRATS !!! So wonderful !!!
Congrats Jill, that is awesome news. Your place sounds like mine – almost, lol.
Will it be available in Australia?
So awesome! I will buy, tell my friends to buy, and buy for the new moms that I know. Congrats Jill! All your hard work and screaming and pulling your hair out, and maybe even drinking has finally paid off!
OMG Congrats on the book deal and having the material to write about lol. I will def be buying it when it comes out….waiting with bated breath!
Oh my God Jill!!!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is so so so SO exciting. I am so happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxo
OMG! Yay!!!!! CONGRATS! Where does the line start to buy it? :)
THAT?! That is FREAKIN’ awesome! Congratulations!!!!
Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know what I’m getting myself for mothers day next year.
Congratulations!!!!!
If this wasn’t your life you wouldn’t have the book deal. Let the chaos commence. (And how freaking great, congratulations!)
Awesome! I was wondering when you’d publish a book!
Jill, congrats! So excited for you and can’t wait to read it when it comes out.
Oh wow! Congrats! That’s awesome!
Amazing! Well, I like your blog, so I don’t mean amazing as in, Why would anyone offer her a book deal? No. I mean AMAZING as in: KICK ASS! WAY TO GO! and I AM JEALOUS!
Kudos to you. :)
aagghhhh!! omg that’s awesome! congratulations! you are living my dream. :-)
That is so awesome…I’m betting it will be a bestseller! Will it be available on Kindle???
Congrats that’s AWESOME! I will definitely read your book and recommend it!
Look me up in LA when you come here for the book tour. Not to mention all the talk shows you will be on. Way to go Jill
I LOVE it, congratulations!
Congratulations!
Now get back to wiping ass.
Oh so you mean if I never taught my kids how to wipe their asses then I could’ve gotten a book deal? I think in my next life I will try to earn a million bucks by exploiting and embarrassing my children over their mundane and typical childhood shenanigans . What is with you people worshiping this so-called “parenting” style. There’s going to be a whole new generation of kids suing their parents in about 18 years because of all you mommy bloggers.
BRB, gotta go make some popcorn…
Um, what I meant was W T A F?
ROFL!!! *snort! love it!…and Congrats Jill!!! Awesome news.
Why are you on here “Not for pink hats” if you don’t like it? I really try to understand it but I just don’t get people like you. Like it or leave, seriously.
I started visiting the site originally because I thought it would be funny and relateable, but i’m done. I can’t take it anymore. This new culture of exaggerating everything your kids do and broadcasting it to the world is not for me. Get over yourselves, seriously.
“Not on the bandwagon of llife??” You sound really happy. You and your 49 twitter followers.
I am very happy thank you. I also have my own identity as opposed to everyone else here who refers to themselves as “Tyler’s Mom” or some crap. Do you not get what a bandwagon is ??? And NO it’s not something you pull little Ava around in.
It is unfortunate we can’t delete the posts of people who comment on something they don’t understand, misunderstand or the self-important diatribes that may cause someone to feel bad about their day, life, kids, etc. I think that is the point of Scary Mommy; to find the humor in our chaotic, unsuccessful attempts to be really great at everything. The only real failure I blame my mother for, is never admitting her mistakes. Her arrogant belief that because she said it, did it, or thought it has caused decades of heartache and issues for me and my siblings. I hope you have started a therapy fund for your children.
I must admit to following this blog originally because of its originality and genuineness. I was heartened by this post because it seemed to have got back its original mojo. I was, however, disheartened that it was nothing but (another) self-promotion. But, hey, we all need to eat and make money and it is hard to strike the right balance when you are trying to make an original, funny concept into a cash cow.
The endless rush to the sycophantic and monosyllabic commenting hasn’t helped either. They too used to be more insightful and entertaining, but hey, some are also on here to get their chance of taking their seat in the same invidious position.
I no longer follow this blog, but happy to return if and when a balance returns as I heartily agree with the adage “If you don’t like it, don’t hang around to not like it.”
your an idiot do u think maybe i t helps her release stress and find some humor im a mom and grandma i feel sorry for your kids with a parent with such a big stick up their ass lighten up have some fun with family friends find a sense of humor lifes too short
I use many different screen names. Sometimes, like here, I use my first name. Big deal if someone calls themselves “Tyler’s Mom” or whatever-the-heck-I-feel-like-today. It doesn’t mean they have no identity outside of their parenthood. It doesn’t mean they are on a bandwagon. It doesn’t mean diddly squat.
Telling CUTE and funny stories about our children publicly isn’t going to hurt them. ALL very young children need help wiping, just as infants and toddlers wear diapers. All kids and parents have silly moments. Telling the world is not a big deal.
Trying to scorn those who embrace their role as a Mom or a Dad because YOU want it to be a very low priority in your life?
THAT is something YOU need to get over, seriously.
Girl, that’s awesome! Congrats!
Congratulations…a true testament to your hard work! Cheers :)
That is freaking awesome!! Congrats, I can’t wait to read it!
Congratulations!
Congratulations! That’s amazing, and well deserved!
Come back to Chatty…we’ll toast over deliciousness at Rembrandts and then who knows where we’ll end up…. :)
Congratulations. THIS is news!! :)
Congratulations!! Love the way you introduced that so eloquently. I will most definitely be purchasing this. And I’m not the LEAST bit envious of you. Not at all.:)
so fabulous! Cannot wait to read and recommend it! be well, wb
Congrats! Fantastic! Yay you!
That’s awesome. I know what all the mommas on my Xmas list are getting in 2012 ;-)
Amazing! You deserve it! Just plain awesome.
Holy shit! That is totally awesome! Congratulations!!
That is awesome news!! Woot woot!!
Congrats Jill! You can count on me to buy one and maybe a couple more for my cousins with young kids. Your fans will definitely put you on the bestseller list! :)
Congratulations!! That was an awesome post even without the book deal kicker! Your home sounds SO MUCH like mine, it’s uncanny.
xxx
Soooo awesome! Congrats!!!!
Congrats!! Fabulous news. Can’t wait to buy it :)
MAZAL TOV! (I don’t think you are even Jewish, but still…)!!!
like your style and sense of humor. go for it and best of luck!
Great scene! I’m sure it will be a great book too. Congratulations!
WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The perfect release date! This is so MAJOR. And this scene here is PERFECT. Actually, maybe your intro?
OMG! Congratulations! Can’t wait to read your tome!
Congrats! Thought you were going to announce you succumbed to baby love and were pregnant!
That’s awesome! Congratulations!
Congratulations! You should put the Scary Mommy Manifesto on the first page. That way it will be the best “for Mommy” shower gift ever!
Fabulous news!! You are very deserving, and I will purchase my very own copy. Though I’ve just found your blog, I think you are like the Simon Cowell of Mommies! You say what most of us are really thinking, but wouldn’t admit, or say out loud. Real life, and real stories. Love IT. Congrats!!!
Congrats!!!!! Can’t wait to read it!!
Well, of course it’s about parenting. GOOD parenting. At your house, butts are wiped, computer time is limited and nobody freaks out over naked kids running around. YOU ROCK!
I’m laughing…but only because now I’m a grandma and the truth you write is a long-ago memory. Your book should be a great read. Something to give a new mom-to-be? Nah, let her find out the way we all did.
Wooo! Congratulations!! And by that, I mean congratulations on being able to get one full sentence out in one fell swoop.
Congratulations!! You deserve it Jill!! Go you!!
So so cool!! Congratulations!
Congratulations. You landed a book deal with an award for meanest mommy and best butt wiper!!
oooh i’m so happy for you! how did it happen?
that is sooooo cool! Next thing Hollywood will be banging your front door, begging you to fork over the film rights to your life story!
Congratulations! That’s truly wonderful.
CONGRATULATIONS!
Wow! I am so buying your book!
Dont worry, the kids will come around and be just as happy for you. ;)
Eeek indeed – that’s not so far away!!
Congratulations – fantastic news.
LOL! And congrats. Simon and Schuster – you must have a good agent (as well as great talent ;) ).
I’m going to need an autographed copy. An autographed advance copy. Personally delivered by you.
So that I can toast you!
Huge congratulations, Jill!
Jill, this is hugely exciting news!!! Congrats on your book deal!!!
Atta girl! Congratulations.
Good for you! And isn’t that what parenting is all about? Always there to keep us humble and remind us of the important things in life….wiping butts!
Well desereved!! So happy for you!!! Congrats!!
I am so excited for you! Congrats, you will be wonderful, and thank you for everything you write!
That sounds just about right. When your kids hate you before they are teenagers, you are probably doing something right. Once they are teenagers they will hate you regardless. Congrats on the book deal!
oh, the joys of motherhood! congratulations! hopefully nobody will take the stuffing out of the pad in your wonderbra, and insert a live gecko to also congratulate you…..yes, that shit does happen…………
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Woo-hoo! Congratulations!
congrats! and i will be buying two copies to make up for the one you know your daughter will so not be buying!
This is MY mazel of the week! You go, girl!!!!!!!
Oh congrats! I am not surprised, you are too funny. It’ll be great to read your book!
CONGRATS Jill!!!
Woot! Can’t wait to read!!!
Congratulations!
Congrats-how exciting and well deserved!
Congratulations! So happy for you!
right the fu-k on the booger i mean but congrats on the book im a mom of 4 all over 18 not much all live at home can relate to all of your blogs now i just became a grandma pay backs are a bitch haha
That is amazing and I will totally buy it! Congratulations!
Congrats my sweet and deserving friend! I will be the first to pre-order and devour. Cheers!
Looking forward to having this on my coffee table!
Congratulations Jill!!!
Hot fucking damn!!!!!! That is awesome!!!! Congrats!
congrats!!
Congratulations! That is wonderful, can’t wait to buy a copy for my mommy friends!
That is so completely well-deserved, and I can’t wait to get my hands on a copy! Congratulations!
OMG! Congrat’s, I am getting it! This is fantastic news…
woo hoo! I can’t wait to read it
Soooooooo Excited for You!!! I will buy it! I like that you tell it like it is. What most of us wish we could get off our chest, but think no one would understand. You are the brave voice of scary mommies everywhere! Rock on!!!
Very, very cool! Leave it to the the kiddos to try to take the wind out of your sails. LOL
OK after readin I feel a lot better. Thanks! And of course: congrats!
Congratulations! It’s good to hear that others go through what I experience every day too. Can’t wait for the day. :)
Congratulations! That is so exciting, I hope it comes out to Kindle, I’ll definitely buy it.
ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i just spilled my coffee)
OMG!!! So awesome!! *jumps up and down* So excited!!
congratulations scarymom on the book deal.Your life sounds so sweet compared to the years of parenthood I have had,but I am glad to know there are some pretty scarymoms out there.
OMG! Congratulations! And don’t worry about the worst mother award. According to my daughter, I have that firmly in the bag. (How DARE I refuse her a cell phone and TV in her room at 8?!?!?!)
And ya. My kids would tell them they were still stinky. In public. Yay…..
FINALLY….a book I will be happy to spend my $$ on – It’s about damn time!!!! LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY LUGGAGE!!!!!
Congrats!!! Very wonderful and WELL deserved!!!
The paradox of parenting. Congratulations. Looking forward to reading all about it…
Minus the book deal, that scene could totally be my life! Now the real question is, did the babysitter agree to stay?! Ha ha. Can’t wait to read the book. :)
You’re so dope! I’ve been reading Scary Mommy for a year now. Found you while I was pregnant with my second daughter (she’s 6 months now), and you’ve been cracking me up since. Can’t wait to read your book. Congratulations!!
Congratulations! If my bookstore wasn’t going out of business, I would make sure we ordered a few copies to put on the shelf! I will definitely buy a copy! Good going!
It was perfect timing about the “umm, parenting” part if you ask me! Good luck with the book and congrats!
“5 Things That Bug Me” – http://mysanityblogspot.blogspot.com
so many congratulatory wishes flowing from me to you. so excited for you and your whole crew! yay you!
Congrats! I love reading your blog, so I definitely can’t wait for the book!
Congrats my friend! So deserving. So lovely. So happy for you. xoxo
Congrats! I so love this post too, nothing like our kids being parenting judges…lol.
Congratulations!!! Such an accomplishment! Hilarious story by the way. lol
WOW!! awesome.. congrats..
Can’t wait!
Congratulations! Looking forward to it.
Congrats Jill,
Did Lily just go there?…”Meaner than Miss Hannigan”
and boogers, you’ve just got to love them.
Keia
(formally beekabeeka.com)
Absolutely perfect. Congratulations on the book deal!!!
Congratulations!! Very exciting. Love your blog!
Ohhh…been there, done that. Snot on the jeans, sinkful of dishes, uncomfortable poop revelations…I write about parenting (among other things) too, and sometimes I look at myself and go, “Really?” Nice to know it’s not just me. Thanks for this, it was priceless.
Mazal tov! That is just very cool.
Best Scene Ever! I love it and I swear it sounds like something out of a sitcom! Thanks for being an honest mommy.
Yay for you! On the book deal. Not the boogers. Or being the meanest mommy (which you totally aren’t!).
Wow, how cool. How exciting…..and from what I’ve read here on your blog, I’m sure your book will be very funny, and a great resource for all moms, very unlike Dr Sears, Dr Harvey Karp, etc. . .You’re book will be REAL!!! Real is good!
AND! when you said this “I have a big booty”….it reminded me of how my son will say booby instead of booty. Yes, it’s funny….but yeah, embarrassing.
Too funny! Love it! Some day’s that’s how it feels around here.
Congratulations on your book deal!
I am so going to ask for your book for my Mother’s Day gift from my husband next year! Love your writing. This post is hilarious.
Congratulations! Sorry about the boogers.
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Congratulations and beyond Hi-lar – i – ous!!!!
are you for real? congrats! you are amazing and i am so honored to know you and be your friend. it’s pretty cool to have a friend that’s a celebrity :-) i wonder if i can now sell the cards that you made me in high school on ebay???
THAT IS AWESOME! Congrats!!! So, so happy for you! :)
Snorted my coffee when I read “…meaner than a witch…”
heehee.
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