Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Taking Back What’s Ours - June 19, 2013
- Dear Judgy Mothers on My Website… - June 15, 2013
- 10 Skills Every Mother Should Possess - June 10, 2013
Tracy is a writer who believes you only need to dust behind the books on the shelf when you move and that strawberry flavored jelly beans do indeed count as a serving of fruit. Join her at her website – No Makeup Required – for her column Catching Curveballs” where you will laugh and nod with understanding about being a Mom.
No matter what shape or size your body was before you had children, there are certain areas that emerge. You stare at them hoping they will change, disappear or transform, but they don’t. After your last child hits kindergarten, you begin to realize they’re here to stay.
The Muffin Top Area
This is the area just below your belly button that looks like you put too much batter in your muffin tin and it baked over. This flap of skin cannot be firmed by weights, sit ups or praying. It adds a bulge in your pants and tankinis and Spanx become your new best friends.
Area 51
This is the area each woman has that she swears aliens did something to but she can’t prove it. Each woman has a different Area 51. For some it’s the forest of hairs growing on her chin, for others the dark patches of skin that look like landing patterns of spaceships. These areas are classified and usually hidden from cameras or other recording devices.
The Growth Spurt Area
Your shoe size hasn’t changed since junior high. However, after kids and your feet have a growth spurt. Feet grow a little longer and a little wider. Perhaps to balance you during nursing a newborn while cooking dinner or maybe to help you withstand 90 minute soccer matches of your 10 year old on a Saturday morning. Being a mother requires a strong foundation and maybe your feet knew what they were doing.
The Saggy Boob Area
Whether yours pointed up, straight across or different ways; after kids they both hang a little looser. They are more laid back now, just like you are after realizing spilled milk, missed appointments, lack of showers and not having all the answers are ok.
The Road Map Area
Whether your stretch marks resemble a map New York City or the quiet country roads of Oklahoma; they are the marks of giving life. Embrace them, they help you know where you’ve been.
The Crooked Hip Area
Your hip becomes crooked after walking around with an infant or toddler perched on it. What once was a perch now becomes a shelf for the laundry basket and the occasional “hand on hip” maneuver to get your teenager to clean their room.
Under Arm Flap
Whether your under arm flaps are a 787 or a propeller plane wing type; look at them as your wings to take you to new heights.
All of us can look at these areas as markers of a beautiful body that created life. Each woman has her own “special areas”.
What are yours?
{ 69 comments… read them below or add one }
As funny as this is to read, it is also so true and therefore SO SAD.
Love Area 51…sooo true. Soooo sad:(
Area 51 – very funny!
What about veins? I was at a lake yesterday with another mommy friend and we were comparing our legs. Her pregnancies left her with some bulging lumpy varicose veins. I got more of the patches of spider veins that look like I haven’t showered properly. Ah….good times.
So funny!!! My spider viens look like purple bruises. Me and my best friend compare our legs all the time.
Ahh Spider Veins…I attribute those to working in a nursing home standing on my feet all day (wait…better make that running on my feet lol) during pregnancy number #2. Whatever the reason, they’re here to stay. It’s been four years! =( Just another one of those “badges” we proud mamas get to wear…
The little “shelf” area that is created by my c-section incision. After two c-sections in two years, I’m certain that the shelf is here to stay.
I know what you mean. I had 2 c-sections in two years too and that little pouch between my belly button and incision is never going away, so I just know that bikinis are never going to happen again!
Oh yes – that delightful flap. Mine was caused by two cesareans in one calendar year (It’s a LONG story) and the only thing that can fix that is surgery. Anyone want to lend me $5k?
Oh that area 51, good thing I have four kids, they all can take turns plucking Momma’s hairs when she’s in the “home”.
I have three daughters, so i’m hoping the same thing!
Yep, recognize most of them. Check, check and check!! Awsome post!!
LOVE this. I’ve got NYC on my stomach., Thanks kids..
Oh yeah! Muffin Top, hate it!!!! The three beauties make it worth the sad fact that my body may ( as if there is a chance ha ha) never be the same again. I try to look at it this way, whatever i’ve lost in beauty , i’ve given to them! Then as a bonus I get grey hair!
I LOVE this post! After having three kids and developing a terrible addiction to chocolate chips, I now suffer from the dreaded “mom arms” look. Ugh! I wrote about them here: http://aferrycrossingaway.blogspot.com/2011/06/oh-wonderful-things-our-arms-can-do.htmle
Thanks for sharing! I find comfort in knowing that I am not the only mom who can “soar to new heights” . . . ha, ha!
A funny and true post! I do have to say I am so much more comfortable with my body post-kids than I ever was before. I gained 65 and 75 pounds with each pregnancy and decided to kick it into high gear and really get in shape after each delivery. Yes, I have stretch marks up the ying-yang and extra skin that a million crunches won’t fix, but nothing a tight fitting tank top can’t smooth out… I actually have breasts now, measuring in at a whopping 34 C! (I was super flat chested before) With the good comes the bad, I guess!
My “baby” will be 17 next month….can I still blame him for my body still not bouncing back? What’s the statute of limitations on blaming my body issues on pregnancy? : )
There is no statute of limitations! Blame away!
My baby is 18. I blame him for the gray hairs now!!
how bout that fun little episiotomy scar tissue. I call it the dangly ball. yeah, that doesn’t make me self conscious at all. <-sarcasm
So, so true and yes, so, so sad! But it’s all worth it. I see my baby and forget all about me :)
This is hilarious! Love “Area 51″ because it’s so true!
I suspect about 3/4 of my body now falls under the ‘area 51′ label. Thanks, kids!
I think I have them all! LOL! Is it possible to have more than 1 area 51???
OMG – ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!! LOL
You forgot about the little ball that starts protruding from your vagina, (aka bladder). So everytime you sneeze/cough/smile wrong, you pee your pants.
So true!!! I actually laughed so hard I peed my pants. I have never ever done that before!! The tinkle thing every time you sneeze!!! The horror!
You forgot those of us endowed with a second ass above the previously nice ass.
Great post though!
Second ass! Amen and amen to that!! Where in the hell did that come from anyways?!
AREA 51!! WTF are those chin hairs doing there, anyway?? How did they get there? What did I do to earn this wonderful badge of courage??!! I have already sworn my friend to plucking them if I am ever hospitalized or incapacited in any way…she’ll have a full time job of it!
No strech marks….just many veins!!!
I have two kids and the little one is 27 months !
area 51? check; muffin top? check; saggy? double check; road map? check; crooked hips? check; arm flaps? double check; feet? same size…woohooo! dang mother nature, that’s the one she had to give me…
Great piece – thanks for sharing it. I remember some Farrah Fawcett movie from the early ’80s where she played a daughter-in-law to a cantankerous woman who is felled by illness…there’s a touching scene where proud MIL begs the daughter-in-law to whom she’s been so hateful to please, please, pluck any stray chin hairs in the event she becomes incapacitated.
So really, Area 51 has the potential to build relationship bridges.
You forgot the endless hemmheroids (dang, I can never spell that horrible word.. I guess it is fitting that a horrible thing have a horrible word associated with it)….Love the post, esp. “Area 51″ and what is it with the feet…stretched out boobs and belly not enough?….but, if I can offer one tiny bit of sunshine, I’ve never had so much awe for what my body was able to do, even if it will never grace the pages of a magazine (like it would have anyways) — but then again, there’s always photoshop… LOL
OMG this is hilarious!!! Especially Area 51!!! I swear I thought I was the only one with random alien hairs on the chin…ugh! Thank god for nads and tweezers!!
Since I had my kids my TOES are hairy. I actually have to remember to shave my FEET when I shower.
It’s done terrible things to my sex life. Wait.. who am I kidding. The kids ruined that.
I don’t need to get a tattoo because ALL aroun my belly button I have very elegant sun beams- that my daughter likes to squish together in an effort to put them back to normal! Oh well…
My two-year-old daughter does the same thing with my own “sunbeams.” Or she’ll point at them and say, “Mama has boo-boo owwy?” before kissing them to make them better. If only it were that easy. Ha!
Oh I am glad you mentioned this…I am actually getting my body (as much as I can) back in order by exercising faithfully. But even at a size 5 & all the hard work, my “sunbeams” and saggy pouch of belly skin STILL prevail…
Yup, I got them all, including the arm problems. As for the road map on my stomach, I have the subway line forever engraved on my tummy. It will never see the sun again, that’s for sure.
Great post! Loved reading it! It’s amazing how much women’s bodies change after giving birth even once!
Will be subscribing to your website!
~P.
I was cracking up while reading the post AND the comments. So so true. And I love Shanen’s comment about giving her beauty to her children. That means they owe us, right? :-)
I escaped the Muffin Top after child #1, but child #2 has left me with the curse. I can’t believe it. It drives me crazy. My only way out is wearing low riding pants. And that only works on rare occasions. I think you pretty much named them all!
How about gray hairs? Got loads of those all of a sudden.
fan-damn-tastic post! I have a permanent diastasis so that’s my area 51– it’s the weirdest bulge, and then omg at all the loose skin below it O_O rofl at the great comments too! All Hail Moms!!
Put me down for all of the above! KIDS!!
Ah, yes. They all seem to apply.
So true!!! All of the above!
Yup. All true. I know we should embrace the changes and wear them like a badge of courage, and I mostly do. But it’s still had to completely. I still have what my OB termed “jelly belly” after my son was born. It’s like there’s just zero muscle there now. I only had 2 babies!
Never fear…the muscle is only hiding under it. If you flex, you can push through it and feel your muscles. Too bad no one else will ever see what’s underneath our jelly bellies…*sighs* lol
There is a reason Area 51 is under constant crackdown. No trespassing!
It is so true how motherhood changes you physically.I remind my children about it all the time.
Okay, it used to be that when I had tummy fat, it at least was in a flat layer covered by ordinary skin. Now, the fat does not lay flat. It clumps underneath skin that looks like it was once used as a hammock. Which it kind of was. But still. It is Not Okay. In fact, I just envisioned it on abstinence ads. Perfect-tummied teen girls would look at it and show it to their friends. “THIS is what can happen to your stomach. YES WAY. I know – I am never doing it either!”
Omigosh the feet!! I was a size 11 when I had my daughter. My new sneakers are a size 12. That cutie of a little girl turned her mommy into daggone bigfoot.
LMAO loved this post and can totally relate to everyone of them. Found you through a twitter retweet =)
So sad …. But true … But love being a mom … !! =)
This is a perfect rundown of my body – but I would just add a “mask of pregnancy” that never quite went away….ugh
Oh my Jesus, this is hilarious! I’ve often thought about just getting tattoos on my ass where I have stretch marks that look like I’ve been mauled by a tiger, just to make them seem “on purpose”. My 10 year old asked me the other day when her booty will “jiggle like mine.” Niiiiiiiiice.
Love it! However, I don’t think enough attention was paid to their weirdness that are my boobs post babies. I have gone down a size with each child. Someone called post-nursing boobs pancakes with nipples, I think it’s an accurate description…unfortunately :(
I got the muffin top and big dark bags under my eyes because for the last twenty years I worked when I wanted and slept and ate and partied the rest of the time, and when I did that too much I would get fit again at my leisure – there is no TIME for ANY of that now working full time with a 1 year old!!!! But I wouldn’t change it for the world!
LOVE this!! It’s so true.. I HATE the muffin top… I am smaller, weight-wise, than before I got pregnant… but I STILL cannot get rid of that tuft around my belly… I’ve tried everything… and i’ve decided that it’s my body’s way of punishing me for being so selfish and only thinking about how much *I* wanted to have kids.. :P
Omg I love this post…yup I was lucky enough to get all symptoms except the veins on the legs… Ay least I feel better knowing I’m not alone.
Omg I love this post…and comments. yup I was lucky enough to almost ALL of them… At least I feel better knowing I’m not alone….AND of course my beautiful baby boy! I wouldn’t change it for the world, but boy does he owe me :-}
Above all; especially the sneezing, laughing and running-part….(don’t try to join the children at a trampoline) Really hate that !!!
But still I’m proud of my body for the miracle it maid, nourished, protected & delivered !!! (Even ignoring that the dominant part in bed has also come to an end…..).
Yup. All of it. Even after I’ve lost 65 pounds and gotten to size 6, my belly button is a sad face. All those years I took for granted the tiny, perfect inny. I didn’t realize I should have appreciated it. I’m positive that the frowny-face belly button was the impetus for the tankini.
My belly button will never be the same. There. I said it. It will never quite go back to where it belongs, it won.
<3 well I know you don't hate me:)
OMG, that laying all out there so I can ponder it all day. lol
ahhh, this post is the story of my life…
and I also have a bulge of fat on my left outer thigh-not the right though, for that oh so unbalanced look
and 4 c sections in 6 years has pretty much ruined my belly area
So beyond funny. And… alas – so true. Those pesky hairs!
All of the above. My area 51 are my boobs, I went up a cup size. Beats me how I managed that…
Oh, I can definitely relate.