Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Rachael is the last mom to an amazing little girl adopted from the foster care system. She is a life long Florida resident who works full time at a nonprofit focused on family stability and early childhood education. She loves shoes, blogging, reading magazines and playing nail salon with her daughter. In addition to her husband (a self proclaimed geek) and daughter, she lives with two cats and a mannequin named Vivian. Find her at www.lastmom.blogspot.com.
Our daughter came to us through straight adoption from the foster care system eleven months ago, when she was nine years old. The first time we met her was in the administrative office of the group facility where she had been living for the six months prior to coming home with us. I loved her before I even laid eyes on her in person. We had been working to bring her home for six months (the entire time she was in the group facility). Mountains of paper work to read and sign, updates to our home study, more background checks, tons of red tape involving two states and multiple agencies. We were chosen to be her parents in November and didn’t get to meet her until May. I literally ground holes in two of my teeth in my sleep because I was so anxious to bring her home. She was 100% my daughter, my baby before she even knew we existed.
She spent her first four years dealing with abuse, neglect, poverty and abandonment. Then she spent the next five years bouncing around foster care. She was actually in a children’s psychiatric hospital (where she spent both her ninth birthday and Thanksgiving) when we were chosen to be her parents. She came to us diagnosed with ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), anxiety and depression. We knew parenting her would be a challenge. We also felt we could handle it and that she was capable of healing.
She has come so far. In the beginning, she got stressed out if you asked her if she preferred a turkey or ham sandwich. That required looking inside to her own thoughts and feelings, something she fought vigilantly to avoid. She refused to talk about her past. She would not acknowledge any feelings other than happy and mad. Her “mad” was big. She could spend up to an hour hiding in her closet screaming like she was in a horror movie. We tried therapy with two different mental health agencies. They did not get trauma and attachment. One therapist actually made things worse and the other suggested we stop when our daughter stayed silent in sessions after five months of weekly visits.
I read up on therapeutic parenting and attachment disorders. I found an online network of moms in similar situations (“Trauma Mommas”) through blogs. I gave her the words for her feelings and told her about other kids with “hurt parts” like her. I repeated things like, “Stop, take a deep breath and relax” and, “You’re safe, you’re loved, you can handle this.” My husband and I both let her know that we were here to listen anytime she wanted to talk, but we couldn’t force her to share her memories or feelings with us. Slowly, she started to open up in spurts. One day in the car she randomly asked, “How long do you think my kids will get to live with me?” At nine years old, she was terrified of being a bad mom and having her kids removed from her. “It’s in my history and people always say history repeats itself.”
As she’s started to process her past, the behavior challenges have actually increased. She’s dealing with a whole lot of hurt and pain that she’s kept buried her whole life. She has meltdowns with screaming, wailing and flailing. She has episodes of defiance, disrespect and destruction. The difference is that now she is usually able to talk about the real reason behind it (instead of “You were mean to me!”) and feelings beyond “You made me mad!”
This past Easter was the last holiday (other than Mother’s Day) before we hit our one year together. We had three days of epic meltdowns, disrespect and defiance. Some of the highlights included: stabbing herself with a pencil, kicking me, screaming until she made herself ill and walking around the neighborhood barefoot when I told her not to leave the yard. She told us that she had to move several times right before holidays. She is convinced that we are going to “get rid” of her “just like everyone else”. She thinks this is because she is a bad kid who doesn’t deserve nice things or a family. Since we didn’t “get rid” of her at 4th of July, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, etc. she just knew it was going to be Easter. She was trying to hurry along what she felt was the inevitable by throwing out the worst possible behavior. Our adoption is finalized. We are a forever family. It’s hard to buy into “forever” when things didn’t work out with your biological parents. If your biological parents aren’t forever, how can you trust anyone else to be?
She woke up Easter morning to see that she was still home with us. She realized that we still loved her, despite her behavior; that we forgave her; that we were still taking care of her. There was still breakfast, clean clothes, hugs and the Easter Bunny even brought her presents! She spent the whole day hugging us, writing us love notes and pointing out that she hadn’t had a tantrum all day.
I’ve learned in the last year how quickly children grow and change and how fast time speeds by. I’m so honored I’m her mom and that she has allowed herself to love and trust me. I’m grateful that my husband and I are able to provide her with the safety and comfort to begin processing all that happened to her and the big feelings that go with it. Helping her heal is difficult, exhausting and sometimes overwhelming, but it is amazing to watch. She is going to be okay. My daughter is going to be healthy, happy, strong and healed.
Happy one year to our family!
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
Happy One Year to you all! Such a beautiful story. Such a beautiful life she can now have. So beautiful. xoxo
tracy recently posted..Cheerios- Hula Hoops and Ladybug Picnics…
What a great post. Bless your heart, and her heart. You all are so blessed to have each other.
I hope every year gets better and better.
dysfunctional mom recently posted..virtual coffee
One of the best stories I’ve read on here.
Oh you are a TRUE mom. Beautiful story – brought tears to my eyes.
Jill recently posted..Riley & Sheridan Run the OC Marathon
Yes she will, be ok. You and she each have a long road…but ahead of you. Tweens are so hard any way, throw in trauma and it is gonna be tricky doable. Please do not ever lose faith in her or hope for her future. Hard knock kids can surprise everyone – I did. Thank you for doing the tough work, hand in there.
Sunday recently posted..They Are The Moons Shining Over Me
Happy family anniversary and many more to come for all of you. You are doing good to your daughter and I think she so deserves to find someone like you.
Mommy’s Paradise recently posted..Aret sa tapaz stop this noise
Wow – I hung on every word of Rachael’s story; it’s a crime that she and her husband had to wait so long to meet their daughter. Wishing them all much happiness!!
Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted..The ugly truth about how novels are written…
Scarymom, thank you for sharing this amazing story with us.
Unfortunately this is a too familiar story in my country South Africa.
It makes me sad that Rachael’s daughter was not treated adequately by mental health care professionals.
I am a psychologist myself and think that it is so easy for psychologists to avoid living in the real world where severe attachment problems exists. (OK, you can shoot me now!)
I’ve also treated adopted children with these type of difficulties and unfortunately, early attachment damage takes very long to heal.
Understanding parents, like this story, offers a lot of hope to us community focusses psychologists and other mental health care workers.
Amanda vd Westhuizen recently posted..Are you a selfish father Man up and face up
How wonderful you guys have found each other! I am saddened by what she has had to endure in her few years. Thank you for doing what you are doing.
myevil3yearold recently posted..The Pooping Punishment for Suckers
Thank you for sharing your story and opening your heart and home to one of the forgotten children of Florida. My Hubby works with abused and neglected kids and the stories he shares with me are absolutely heartbreaking. Your daughter is so lucky to have you and a chance at a kind and loving family…and you are lucky to have her in your life as well.
Good luck with everything and hang in there!
Vinobaby recently posted..When Life Gives You Lemons
I’ve got tears streaming down my face. Happy One Year! You and your husband are AMAZING, and she sounds amazing. I’m lucky to live in a world with people like you and I strive to have the compassion, perseverance and strength you do. Happy Mother’s Day.
wow. you’re my favorite.
Luna recently posted..My Drunk Party
Thank you so much for being just what she needed. And thank you for loving her unconditionally.
Life with Kaishon recently posted..Wherever you go- no matter what the weather- always bring your own sunshine Anthony J DAngelo
I was also a foster child and it is people like you who make the world a better, brighter place to live in. So many people wrote me off as impossible and yet, with the love of wonderful foster parents, social workers and others, I thrived. I am now in University studying to be a social worker so that I can help other kids like myself one day. I am also a mother of 3 and married to a wonderful man. I often wonder, if everyone really had given up on me, how I would have turned out. I imagine my life could be SO much worse and so I give thanks everyday for people like you. :)
You are all so brave and loving. Congratulations on one year.
Lori Z. recently posted..Dude
This story really hit to the core of me. While my family life growing up wasn’t as severe as her’s obviously was, my parents did leave me…and I can empathize with her daughter’s worries and yet I can’t imagine the challenges they are enduring as a family as you navigate this process of healing. You are remarkable! And she is so blessed to have you by her side as she finds her way to a healthier, happier life.
Nicole @MTDLBlog recently posted..A Vlog on the Blog Writers Workshop Vlog Style
As someone with pretty serious abandonment issues, I applaud your dedication. It takes a strong, compassionate person to reach out to someone that is hard to reach. Beautiful post.
Misfit Mommy @ The Island of Misfit Moms recently posted..Big Little Voice
We adopted a five year old child and I have to say, it has been the most amazing experience. I want to shout from the roof tops to remind people that it is okay to adopt these kids, they need homes too.
I’m so glad your daughter found you!
Redneck Mommy recently posted..I’ve Got The Spirit
Such a wonderful story. Thank you so much for sharing this, and Happy One Year to your family!
Christi recently posted..Weekend Warriors
God bless you all. It breaks my heart to think of all the kids waiting and wishing for a forever home. I would take them all if I could. I’m glad you have yours, and she has you.
Lori recently posted..You have to watch
Just furthermore confirms our desire…we’re still in a custody battle for 2 boys…if we can be put thru this mess, we have enough to do it for other much needed children!
Wow. Just wow. I am humbled by the power and love and hope in this post. I wish your little girl all the best – she already has all the love in the world.
Roberta recently posted..An eye for an eye
I never cry-ever!- and your story has me teary eyed. You & your husband are wonderful people for taking in your daughter and because of you, she will grow up knowing that love. I’m happy for all 3 of you that you’ve gotten to the first year and I hope you have many more Easters as happy as this one ended up being.
Wow. I’m so moved by your love that I’m not even sure how to comment. I’m sure you get told all the time that you are doing something amazing for that little girl, and you probably just feel that she is doing something amazing for you. It is a blessing that you found each other.
Jennifer recently posted..What have you taught your children about guns
You and your husband are amazing, strong, wonderful people. Your story made me cry. Thank you for sharing.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being a hero to this little girl who needed you so much.
Twinisms recently posted..A Craptastic Day
Wow…I have DS with some of those issues so I know how hard this has been for you. You are truly to be commended for offering up your hearts and home to such a child–one who had no one to care for her. Thank you for sharing. Nothing like a little perspective on what really matters with my morning coffee.
My hubby and I have 4 children three of which we adopted from the foster care system they are all biological brothers and we love them very much. They have alot of the same issues as your daughter sounds like you are doing wonderful stay strong and happy one year!
That’s beautiful. ♥
Kristie recently posted..Home
Beautiful!! Being blessed with a twelve year old myself (She is now 22) I can tell you.. Its worth it… They are amazing… and I love her more everyday
This is an awesome post! We are an adoptive family as well. We adopted an infant but became well versed in attachment issues. I am so thankful for families like yours that know the challenge upfront but are willing to overcome it for the love of the child. You are an amazing and strong family! Thank you for sharing your story!
Jamee @ A New Kind of Normal recently posted..Not quite the weekend I’d planned
We adopted from the foster care system too. Our daughter is much younger than yours but I still wonder how much trauma she absorbed before getting to us. Loved, LOVED this post. Thanks for sharing your intense commitment to your daughter.
Ryan recently posted..New Baby Manifesto
Amazing…a must read!
Tears are streaming down my face, so many of these older children are forever lost in the system…
The part where she asked how long her children would be with her…knife through the heart…
I look forward to following your story, and I hope this inspires others thinking of adoption to consider the older chidren waiting for a mommy and daddy…
Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..Confessions of a New Mom
Happy 1 year! This is a wonderful post and it made me tear up more than once. I think you are all amazing and I’m happy you have found each other. LOVE!
I was in tears reading this. What an amazing gift you’ve given her!! This truly touched me. Thanks for sharing :)
Jaden recently posted..Six Word Fridays- Whats Been Up
That was really touching. I have a cousin who got his own daughter back in a similar situation, and it’s amazing how much love and respect can change a child’s life.
Will Boudle recently posted..14 Differences Between Mobile Search & Desktop Search Results
This is an awesome blog. I applaud you for your patience and your unconditional love for your daughter
This post made me cry. As an older adopted child myself (the paperwork was finalized when I was five), I came from a very disfunctional/traumatic natural family life, with a mother who was a true “drugged out hippie”, and a father who went to prison for sexually abusing us. I know, first hand, the effect trauma can have on a child’s life, and I grew up in a generation where not only was my history not given to my adopted parents, but the little that they did know was ignored and “swept under the carpet.” All I wanted was to be comforted and understood, but I was not. When I grew up, I was so scared to become a mother myself, that when I found out I was pregnant (an unplanned pregnancy) I went through intense therapy so I would not become like my mother. 13 years later I am proud to say that I am NOTHING like her. Racheal, I applaud you for your compassion, patience, and bravery–it will pay off in the end, because your daughter will know she is loved.
Jules from A Little Bite of Life recently posted..Oransi Fridge Air Purifier Review and Giveaway
Thank you so much. In the process of adoption right now; this is so helpful and encouraging to me! Thank you for your honesty.
Oh my god, what an amazing story. Thank you for sharing this. And thank god for people like you, patient and inspire us.
Not Winning Mom of the Year recently posted..Not as dumb as I look
Congratulations…as difficult as it’s been at times, you can tell through your tone that there is nothing but love for our daughter. She feels it too…even if it’s hard for her to convey at times. Again, congratulations…
Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 recently posted..A Very Merry Unbirthday to the Crazies!!!
That brought a tear. You have given her a rock. A solid unmoving rock that she can depend on. You have given her the biggest gift ever, and you will continue to give to each other for a lifetime.
Ally recently posted..The Case Of Mistaken Identity
I’ve worked with abused and neglected children. I can’t speak highly enough of what you are doing. You are giving this child unconditional love, a stable home life, and a chance to be her best self. You and your husband are heroes.
lifeintheboomerlane recently posted..Osama Bin Laden- The Expose
this blag was passed on to me from my adoptions social worker–thank you for writing so honestly, sometimes it feels like we’re the only family out there experiencing life with these issues..
love!! Glad you found each other!! <3