1. When I wake up in the morning…
A. My body feels stiff. I’m scared to walk because something might break off.
B. I’m exhausted; it’s like I haven’t slept, even though I just woke up after a 12-hour night.
C. I think of everything I’m grateful for, and try to smile at every passing stranger.
D. I’m starving. All the time. I get out of bed in the middle of the night because I remember that there’s something in my house I haven’t eaten.
2. After sitting for a little while…
A. My hips! My ankles! Oh God, my shoulders. Everything hurts. Even my sweat aches.
B. My body feels heavy and lethargic, like my bones are tired. Ugh, no—we’re not tired in the same way. You don’t get it! You don’t understand me! I hate you! I hate everyone!
C. I feel great; I’m supple and amazing. In Asthanga yoga, I’m on the tenth series, and it only goes up to six!
D. I’m shaky and hyper, and I didn’t even eat Twizzlers and popcorn for lunch today!
3. After being on the computer for awhile…
A. My hands and feet feel numb. My doctor said it’s not MS. Then he wished me luck and asked me to email him my diagnosis, if I ever figure it out.
B. What’s the word for that thing when you can’t remember? Like when you…you know, can’t remember anything like all the words you used to know? Forget! Yes, that’s it! Things like “forget” are so hard to remember.
C. I keep going; I have so much to say! I just invented a new language and am waiting on patents for each letter!
D. I should order Seamless web. Get something healthy. But then, I’ll have to get up and walk all the way downstairs to answer the door. I think I’ll continue to not move and read the entire Internet.
4. At dinner with your friends/spouse/family…
A. My chair is really uncomfortable. Is everyone else’s chair this uncomfortable? Is it weird to stand while they sit? Should I ask for a cushion? Why don’t they make ergonomic chairs for dining?
B. I’m gonna cancel. I’m too tired. I need to sleep. Ugh, I can’t move from the couch and get to my bed. I guess I’m pretty comfortable here. I’ll just shut my eyes for a second.
C. So excited that I drove three hours today to that Connecticut farm and now, having made the Slow Poached Élevages Périgord Moulard Duck Foie Gras, Australian Black Winter Truffles, Tsar Imperial Ossetra Caviar and Meyer Lemon-lime Sorbet,* I have a few hours to spare, so I’m headed to the gym!
D. You’re not gonna finish that? Can I eat it?You’re done, too? Seriously? There’s so much left on your plate. If you’re not gonna eat it, I’ll have it.
If you scored mostly A’s…
Take off your shoes. Now, remove your socks. Look at your feet. Is the second toe longer than the first? Yes? CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve got Morton’s Toe! This eponymous condition is actually a musculoskeletal dysfunction.
Yes, you have a congenital deformity (and it’s probably not the only one). Here’s the thing about Morton’s Toe—it can cause you immense pain. When the second toe is longer than the first, it means that the second toe is taking on the weight meant for the first toe. So lazy, that first toe. When the force of walking is transferred to a toe that can’t bear it, you begin to compensate for it, and this is why you have pain. When you start to supinate (walk on the outside of your foot) or pronate (walk on the inside of your foot), it rolls your ankles, which rotates your pelvis, dropping your hips out of balance, curving your spine and compromising your posture either forwards or backwards. When your entire body is behaving against its design, from your toes to your head, you will suffer from immense joint and musculoskeletal pain. You’re in good company. You know who else has Morton’s Toe? The Statue of Liberty.
If you scored mostly B’s…
I know you don’t think you have them because you’ve never had them before, but you too have allergies. More specifically, you have sudden-onset adult allergies (sexy). But what the hell is an allergy? It’s when your body starts misidentifying friends for enemies. Basically, it’s your immune system telling you it needs glasses. You can be suddenly allergic to practically anything. Most likely, it’s a type of grass or tree pollen. Go to an allergist, get a scratch test, and find out whom your system is on bad terms with. There are good vitamins to take—like Quercetin—and there are bad things to take (or spray), like Afrin. Allergies can be totally miserable, and while you can’t actually eradicate them, you can manage them, much like they are currently managing you. Try a Neti Pot, get a prescription for Nasonex (or buy over-the-counter Nasalcrom), and if you have to start getting allergy shots, look into Rush Immunotherapy.
If you scored mostly C’s…
You’re flawless, but you didn’t need to take this quiz to find that out.
If you scored mostly D’s…
You know you shouldn’t, but you just can’t stop eating so much sugar! You love carbs! Although you’ve been so good, eating exclusively gluten-free carbs, sugar is sugar no matter how you sucrose. It’s also the worst possible thing for our bodies, while being the absolute most delicious! Which reminds me, you drink too much alcohol. Alcohol has tons of sugar, and usually leads you to seek it out when you’re done drinking. Not drinking also leads you to seek out sugar, so this is a double-edged sword and requires moderation, a practice that is probably not in your nature. How do you moderate when you are emotionally, physically and psychically unable? You must trick yourself! Pretend you are a professional dancer and for one day, try and eat like a professional dancer. No good? How about pretending you’re going to be filmed naked for a movie that’s shooting in six weeks? Rig the game so you’ll succeed by preparing an entire day’s worth of healthy meals and snacks the day before. No time? Fresh Direct.
* menu items lifted directly from the Per Se menu. Where I eat most nights.