Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Last week in my confessional, someone accused me of thinking I knew everything about parenting. The statement made me laugh out loud, because never have I once claimed to know anything, never mind everything, about parenting. I’m always doing the wrong things and making mental notes about what to address with my children in their therapy sessions. The last thing I would ever claim to be is a parenting expert.
Case in point: My bed. I joke about the nightly game of musical beds we all play, but it’s really not that funny. My aching back, husband and I are way over this unintentional family bed I’ve built.
How did we get here? A brief look back…
When Lily was a newborn, I felt so guilty and about not being able to breastfeed her that I forced her to sleep on my chest just to enforce some amount of closeness. I was convinced that otherwise, we would never bond. (Thanks, breast feeding fanatics! Job well done!) The first few years of her life were hell. She screamed in her crib for hours and hours and could only go to sleep if someone was there with her. She grew out of it eventually and for a few glorious years slept in her own room. It was a happy time. And then we moved into this house. Her room is on the third floor, apart from all of the other bedrooms. It’s an amazing room; a little girls dream. Well, any little girl other than mine. She’s totally and completely terrified to be up there alone. We’ve gotten her nightlights galore, pillow pets to put her head on and music to listen to. Nothing works and she insists on sleeping on the couch in our room. I’m at a complete loss.
Ben was our champion sleeper. We learned from Lily what not to do and this kid slept in his crib from 3 months on. A couple of songs, a quick pat on the back and that what it. It was glorious. And then, when he was two, he had a tonsillectomy that kicked his little ass. The recovery was brutal, so he slept in our room for a few weeks. A few weeks turned to a few months and then we moved. I can count on two hands the number of times that he’s slept in his own room. He’s actually had the balls to refer to me as his roommate.
Evan will sleep in his own room, but only if I’m there when he falls asleep and the minute he wakes up he runs– literally runs– to find me.
It’s bad. It’s really, really bad.
So, I’m turning to you, fellow “experts” in parenting: What the hell do I do?
Have I done irreparable damage? I really hate to hear them cry, but is that the only answer now? I’ve tried every other thing I can think of and I don’t have a fucking clue what to do next. And I would never pretend otherwise.
So, please, help! I’m listening…
{ 159 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh hon. I am sorry. I would go completely effing crazy. really. I don’t know – have you and your husband thought about sleeping only naked to perhaps scare the kids away?
How about if you set up a room for the 3 of them to share. I know my 3 kids like knowing that they are there for each other, while mommy sleeps comfortably in the other room without them.
I have a feeling you will end up dealing with some crying – or hopefully they will not want to sleep with you by the time they are 15. At least I hope not. ;)
Good luck!
tracy recently posted..Valentine’s Day Heart Cake
LOL at the naked idea. They do already seem to be repulsed by that. And, the sleepovers could work. They do prefer that to sleeping alone.
I’m with Tracy on setting up a room for them to share. When my older daughter was young she did not like sleeping by herself in her own room—at all. Until her younger sister came along, it was not easy, or quick, getting her to bed. When my youngest was born, the two shared a room and we used the extra room as a play room for them as toddlers.
When we thought they were old enough to be okay in their own rooms, we tried it. They didn’t like it very much. We wound up giving them the biggest bedroom to share and they were fine with that until we moved into our present house when our older daughter was in middle school and our younger girl was in elementary school.
To help with the transition, we decorated each room according to their color scheme and what they wanted (except for black walls which we interpreted as black trim, and pink and purple that we turned into a mural and clouds). They even did the painting and took ownership. This seemed to work for us.
ginny recently posted..Growing Up with our Daughters
I can attest to how well this worked as I am the daughter Ginny is referring to who didn’t like to sleep alone. I don’t know why, I just don’t like to. Still to this day.
Besides not being alone, there were quite a few pluses to sharing the room, like the fact that we had a room the size of the downstairs living room to play in, and for some reason, we seemed to get along a lot better while we shared the room.
Sarah@grownupnow recently posted..Place to Crash vs Home
You’re not a bad parent, but a very loving one who has exposed her “love weakness” to her kids who absolutely know how to work that love to their advantage! ;)
Take them back into their rooms, no matter how many times, without engaging them in conversation, just clear instructions that they are now to stay in their beds. Let them cry…they won’t die. That kind of cry is one that is meant to win you over, not one induced by “separation anxiety”. Kids are smart. They know how to get what they want. The object of this exercise is to be more stubborn then them…but in a quiet, firm way. If you engage them in feeling sorry, or looking weak (even for a moment) or trying to explain why, then they are happy because they have engaged you back into their world.
You can do it! It probably will take a couple of nights. But, it is WELL worth it. You will probably find your kids will start to sleep better and longer because they’ve learned to put themselves to sleep without you holding them.
You’re a good mama! :)
~Kristin
LoveFeast Table recently posted..Renovating with Kids
I think the fact that they are smart is the problem- they know what a sucker I am. GAH!
Great advice, but I’m too exhausted to be firm at two o’clock in the morning.
Jennifer recently posted..My newest obsession
Totally agree with LoveFeast/ Kristin – it will definitely be a few days of crying – heck – I remember ME crying while holding the door closed! (wait..gotta wipe a tear..) And even ow, at 11 (yes ELEVEN) he will try every once in a while to sleep with us – I tell my husband – Cram a stick up your butt and call you sucker! He knows just how to make that face and get to you.
Let them share a room..put them in their own rooms..whatever you can stand – but DON’T GIVE IN! You are the ALPHA – don’t let them see you weak! If they see you weak and get you to cave NOW – just wait till the teen years – been there too – it doesn’t get any easier!
Poor Jill. Does he have a nightlight? Have you told him before he goes to bed that he’s not allowed to get in bed with you? My twins were coming into my room every night and I couldn’t figure it out. Once I put more blankets on their bed they stopped. Maybe he just needs to be tucked in tightly?
angie recently posted..Wordful Wednesday- Florida Vacation Issue I
They all have numerous nightlights. Maybe hand cuffs?
That’s a good idea to try letting them share a room. I have no idea what to do. With my twins I was adamant that their sleep issues be resolved when they were still young enough not to remember it (I’m sure there are some who disagree, and I’m not trying to start a debate). With my youngest it’s harder for some reason. Maybe because she’ll scream like a freaking banshee and wake the neighbors…3 blocks away. But I think it does need to be resolved, for your sanity and their sleep needs.
Leigh Ann recently posted..Sisterly Love
I’m right there with you. My 3.5 year old tosses and turns like crazy and has hardly ever slept through the night. In a queen bed, when he comes in, it is a mess. Feet flying, arms moving and everyone feels like hell the next day. I put a comforter and a pillow on the floor and he comes in and lays down, most nights not even waking us up! My 18 month old was the awesome sleeper because, like you, I learned what not to do! Last week I tried to get D to stop sleeping on the floor, and they both started waking up. Needless to say, the comforter was back on the floor last night!
You’re awesome, and eventually they’ll get tired of having you guys as roommates. At least, that’s what I keep trying to tell myself =)
Sorry, but crying you will hear. Deal with as many of their issues as possible (night lights and such) but the bottom line is that they have their own beds and that is where they will sleep. Them learning now that you do have bottom lines which you will not abandon will make the rest of your life so much better, I promise. Think about it – would you allow their fears, their displeasure, their uncomfortableness talk you out of making them sit in a car seat? No way, right?
You know that sleeping well and feeling good makes you a better parent. Isn’t that what you want, to be the best parent possible? And the best spouse possible? You need time with your husband as much as you need time away from your children – again, this speaks to having a happy life for a long time, not just a few peaceful nights.
And one more thing – we need to teach our children how to be alone. How to be with themselves and their thoughts. Teach them how to rest without other people and other stimulation and you will give them a great gift.
My kids are 20, 23, and 25 – and it’s been a blast!
The least traumatic way, would be to get them to go on their own. Start by making a bed on the FLOOR for the kids, and enforcing that the bed on the floor is where they sleep. You can then start to edge them out. Once the reward of being in mommy and daddy’s bed is taken away, it will get easier to shift them into their own rooms. Maybe picking out a special color to paint a wall, or their own blankets or stuffed toys might help.
Haven’t even read the post yet and just spewed coffee over my keyboard laughing at your tags (because I can relate).
Susanna recently posted..Fck yeah! Lets Start Some Controversy!
Have you thought about putting all of THEM in a room together? Like a big sleepover every night…give one of them a double bed so they can all cuddle if they want to…and a sticker chart with a BIG prize at the end for every night they sleep together in their room!
Erika recently posted..Another take on pasta primavera- Spaghetti with dandelion greens and green garlic
I’m doing that tonight. They can kick and shove each other as much as they want– I’m over it!
Depending on their ages, what about some kind of creative, collaborative incentive deal? Talk to them about the importance of sleep as a health issue and make it a fun family project with a smiley face sticker system or something like that. After x many sleeps in their own beds, there’s a special family outing/treat or occasion…
I have 3 girls. All 3 have been in my bed for extended periods at some point in their lives. The good news is my oldest hasn’t visited us in the middle of the night for about 3 years. She’s 12 now. It does come to an end, I promise.
My 7 year old was visiting every.single.night until we moved her in with her big sister. Now, she visits her sister’s bed almost every night. {so cute}. Big sister complains, but I consider it payback!
Littlest sister is 4. She’s slept in her bed for about 30 days of her four years of life. Last night, I used a laundry basket next to the bed as leverage to prevent myself from falling out. Ugh
Moral of the story- I don’t think there is any way to prevent this! Just know it does end, eventually.
Good luck!
I refuse to sleep with my kids. I need a solid 8 hours and if not no one is happy! Consequently, my kids don’t want to sleep anywhere else but in their own bed. Which is great except when they are sick and I have to crawl into the twin bed/crib with them! My friend puts sleeping bags under her bed for her kids to crawl into when they need to come into her room in the middle of the night. They are near mom and dad but NOT in the bed. Maybe a good compromise in your case?
your children have proved that they can sleep through the night, without you.
so , its perfectly possible for them to do that again.
with your daughter, are you sure its because she is frightened? or that she just prefers to be with you?
your son has seen his sister in bed with you, and after he was poorly, he thought it was more comfy with you.
you do have some choices depending on your parenting methods that you agree with or not.
1) with daughter, explain why you need her to sleep in her room, explain that she will be taken back to her bed, every time (u need to really commit to this , consistantly for it to have any effect)
2) ask her what would make her sleep better in her room, suggest a couple of things and ask her to pick one, such as , something that smells of you, or reminds her of you, or a baby monitor, so that you can promise you are listening to her, and are near, even when she is asleep.
3) reward any positive direction in sleeping in her room, pick something she willl really love to look forward to getting.
4)use a reward chart, or marble jar for this.
5) you could consider to move her room, and swop with another.
6) spend lots of time , playing in her bedroom, with her, during the day , to underline the idea that her bedroom is a nice place to spend time in.
for your son,
depending on age, you can,
give him a tempory bed on floor, and insist that he does not come into bed with you.
then , gradually move bed nearer the door.
and/or pick some suggestions that i gave for your daughter.
when you take /return the children to their own beds, no talking, no eye contact, just keep on gently putting them back. (this worked with my eldest son, when he was 2)
btw ,.
we co -slept with my last child, as 3rd child just didnt sleep for years.
she slept in moses basket/then cot/ then cot mattress on floor, moved bed further away from us.
spent day time in her room, then month later got all daytime naps in her bedroom.
by 2 was in her room, sleeping through (which she did in our room, but older child was STILL not sleeping most nights.)
this worked for her, but would not have worked for her 3 brothers. so it depends on the person you have in front of you!
just some ideas from the top of my head.
You can just do what my parents did. Lock your door.
I remember being about 6 years old and had ended up in my parents bed after a few nights of bad sleep with nightmares. At first, I would cry and cry and even fell asleep on the floor with my head against their door. That lasted, maybe, 2 nights. When I learned that they meant business, I gave up and didn’t even try to go into their room after that.
Now when my 3 year old has a nightmare and calls out in the night (which is rare), one of us will go in his room, rub his back, say something soothing, and we all go to sleep. Separately.
You can do it, Jill!
Aimee @ Ain’t Yo Mama’s Blog recently posted..The Spark Within
loving tracy’s idea of sleeping naked. that made me giggle. thanks tracy. i have no clue what to tell you. i let my son sleep with me when he was a baby. i was a single mom, didnt care. but when my new husband moved in, he had to be read to….for hours. until he fell asleep. then we shortened it to one book only. finally i gave up and got him a tv. which is something else the experts say you shouldnt do. when my daughter came along, and i mean from the very beginning; she wanted no people, no lights, no noises. lights off, door shut. weirdo baby right? anyway she stayed that way, and won my heart. some expert i am.
LOL!! Like any of could ever be called perfect parents!
Unfortunately I have nothing for you. My husband’s kids won’t step foot into our room because their mother has damaged them. And our son has no problems sleeping in his own bed at this point.
You’ll figure it out though. I love the idea about sticking the kids in one room! And I’ve heard that being persistent about putting the kids back in their own beds without engaging works well. I saw an episode of Super Nanny that used that method!
I have 3 kids aged almost 15,14, and 8. We had a lot of illness when my older two were born and so they slept mostly with us for at least 5 years, once their sister was born they gradually moved into their own beds. I breastfed my daughter till she was 14 months and boy did I make a rod for my own back, she would never go to bed alone even when she started school. All I can say is that you have to stand firm even though it kills you inside, pick one night to start this, be strong,do it together and insist they stay in bed yes there will be tears, yours and theirs but don’t back down, and keep it up the next few nights any sign of weakness they will sense it and you will be back to square one, there comes a time when you have to claim your bed back and if it’s any consolation I don’t know any teenagers who still sleep with their parents :)
Can´t help you because I do the same thing with my girls. I use to say that having kids in bed is the best contraceptive you´ll find. It never fails!
alex recently posted..O Photoshop e o Retrato de Dorian Gray
no help here even though after being a parent for 2.5 yrs i am a phd certified expert in all things child rearing. all the sound advice i an offer you is upgrade to a california king.
Alexandria recently posted..What will he remember
Mwhahahha… we stayed in a hotel recently and marvelled at all the room!! in the California King :) There are just three of us, and I wonder… if its wrecking him (the kid ;) ) but I figure, he learned to walk, he learned to talk… I bet he’ll get tired (no pun) of crawling into our room each night. If not, seems like we aren’t the only ones. If its done with (healthy) love, it can’t be too wrong.
No kidding. It’s amazing how tiny my King bed now seems.
We recently had my 4 year old come in with us every night Bd he would helpfully switch his light on so his 2 year old brother whom he shares a room with would wake up and demand to join the party. He kept saying he had bad dreams and I could remember being his age and waking up a lot in the night and how lonely it feels so I felt sorry for him and let it continue. The other week I has enough of it and told him he could come to our bed in the night but the following day he would be banned from all consoles (his sister’s D’S,the wii and the xbox) . Let’s just say he is brighter than he looks!
Ok I had same problem with my daughter after I was taken ill suddenly in front of her and was rushed to hospital. She wouldn’t sleep and would break my heart with her sobbing. We tried two things, one was drastic. We first got a fish tank for her room. An all singing all dancing tropical one with bright unusual fish. Fish tanks have been used to calm autistic children or those with ADHD. It lit up the room and we encouraged her to watch the fish whilst we read to her or played a story CD to her. She’d get very sleepy and drift off. The other thing we did to reassure her was get a dog and put its basket in her room. We explained that the dog was there to love and protect her and that during the night the dog would be with her. It worked and the bonus was we got a wonderful pet and addition to the family. I agree that maybe the kids should room together for a while. The older ones will grow out of this sleep habit. But, and here’s the brutally honest bit. You’ve got to stay strong and stay tough and that means being Scary Mommy!!! Some of this behaviour IS major attention seeking gone nuts. But I hope this helps. (If you’ve already got a dog it’ll be easy to train it to sleep in a different spot. Just use lots of treats and leave the door open so the dog has access in and out)
I had to break each of our kids from sleeping in our room too. My issue was that I did nurse and it was SO much easier to have them next to me and just roll over and pop a boob in their mouths rather than get out of my warm bed and go get them.
Around 2 1/2 is when each had to learn to sleep in their own beds because the next baby was coming and I didn’t want a toddler crawling into our bed on TOP of a newborn. A few things that worked for me (no telling if they will for you or not, but it’s all I know)
1) Let the kids pick out their own new bedding – comforter, sheets etc. It helps them like “their” room that they decided upon and they want to sleep there more.
2) Put them to bed in their beds – whatever that takes. With mine it was about 3 nights of hell and then it was over.
3) When they come into your room calmly walk them back to their room and put them in bed, tell them they are big boy/girl and need to sleep in their own bed. Expect to have to do this at least 4 times the first night.
4) Do NOT cave. If you start this, you must end it. Caving will only make it last 20 times longer and your 3 or 4 days to break it will stretch into a month or longer.
5) Get a routine. Maybe start reading them a book at bedtime (in their bed) after a bath to make them sleepy. Stick to the routine.
6) Make the first night on the weekend and let them stay up past their bed time until they are REALLY sleepy – then put them to bed in their own room.
7) If all else fails, give them Benadryl and drug them to sleep! :)
Daria recently posted..The Peaks & Valleys of Love
xoxo
Seriously. You’re a mom. There’s always something you’re doing wrong. How do I know? Cause I’m there. If someone thinks THEY don’t have this issue?
We really really don’t want to know their problem. Because it’s so freaking huge.
Beds? Given your families’ culture I propose this: set up one room as ‘yours’ fall asleep per usual. Get up. Do parental grown-up stuff. Stick dummy you on the loo with a night light.
Escape down the hatch to the secret lair of grown-ups. Sleep blissfully.
JourneyBeyondSurvival recently posted..Service Dog
I think we were separated at birth. Love this.
Oh, thank you, thank you for posting this. I’m dealing with it at home and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone.
Jen S. recently posted..Why I Dislike Valentines Day
p.s. i dont think u can move one out and let any of the others stay, ya know? they might not understand why lil bro gets to snuggle and they have to go to the big girl room. but i guess the good thing is, its all or nothing? good luck.
That’s the hard part! Hopefully putting them all together will work.
I co-sleep with my twins and I love it but we also have a huge bed and I don’t have a husband that I’d like to be naked with ;) If you’re in the “I hate this and it’s ruining my life” place (sort of like how I felt when I did very NOT child led weaning with them at two years old) then you’ve gotta do something. There is a place between allowing them to scream hysterically alone in a dark-ish room and just letting them sleep with you every night, too. You can do it in a gentle and respectful way, too. If you don’t mind sharing a ROOM at the moment, I’d suggest moving them onto a futon mattress on the floor next to your bed FIRST. Then move that mattress into a room that they share next. My older kids also co-slept until they were three and they all sleep independently now at 9, 7, and 6. :)
And, they’re pretty sweet all piled together like kittens there. ;)
They are sweet like that, I agree. :)
Don’t ask me… I still sleep with 3 year old, I put both boys to bed in MY bed, then move my five year old to HIS bed, and then my husband sleeps with our five year old in his room on his queen sized bed, we haven’t shared a bed in almost 4 years, and um, yeah. I’m screwed. My 3 year old won’t move to his new big awesome bed in his room, nooooo… he needs me, and MY bed. He calls my room his room.
I love knowing I’m not the only one in this mess!
Well I’m F’cked because I thought you were THE parenting expert and take do everything you do. LOL. I missed that confession.
I’m have no advice for you. I just bought a beautiful 5 bedroom home (yeah me) so my two girls could have their very own room, right next to me so they would still feel safe. I spent a fortune on cute beds at Ikea. They’ve spent a total of ohh 3 night in there. Not even 3 whole nights either! My 4 year old sleep with my parents in their bed down stairs as she has since she was 1.5. My 2 year old sleeps in her bed 50% of the time but her bed is jammed into the small space between my bed and the wall in my room. Yesterday I told her if she didnt sleep in her own bed I would stick her outside with the “snow lizard” because mommy’s back can’t take her any more. It worked, but chances are it wont work again tonight. I’m not strong enough to let them cry it out so I guess I’m going to suffer until they turn into teenagers and want nothing to do with me.
I just said to Jeff last night that we should have just bought a nice, little 2 bedroom. Such a waste.
Maybe you should tell them there is a monster inthe hallway that will eat them the second they come out of their bedrooms at night.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
That’s awesome!!!!
LOL. It might come to that.
This reminds me of one of those “how to get a baby off the bottle” stories…it is funny how in the moment we know we are making a grave mistake but life circumstances let us accept the decision we are making because it facilitates things in the current moment. I suspect that you knew that you would probably be in this situation one day…
I would start by making it a family discussion…prepare the kids for the fact that they HAVE to start sleeping in their own beds. Don’t give them the choice as to which bed they sleep in but maybe give them other choices that will make them feel empowered. For example maybe they can select between two bedtimes (7:00 or 7:30), select a new night light out at the store. Empower them and include them in the experience of this “transition”. Make it a family event that is talked about at least two weeks before the switch..even mark it down on the calendar. Choose a night that is ideal…maybe a Monday night at the start of the week as routines tend to be more rigid during the week.
Now here is the hard part….you are going to endure at least a few days of hell!! The kids are patterned to be able to sleep in your bed as hard as it is to admit you have given them the control of bedtime. Now it is time for you to snatch it back! :) Consistency is the key here…don’t falter. Commit to no more bed sharing and then stick to it…there may be tears (actually most likely), there may be yelling…but it will pass. They will eventually become accustomed to the new bed arrangements.
Don’t beat yourself up over the situation…create a plan and then execute…everyone will be much happier and rested! :) Good luck hun!
How Does She Do It Mom recently posted..Are You Essential
My son slept with me for the first 4 years. No, not becuase I wanted him to, but rather because if he didn’t neither of use got any sleep!! Like you, I hated to hear him scream and cry, but also wanted him to be able to sleep in his own room. He is 9 now and obviously doesn’t sleep with me anymore. I don’t remember how it all happened, but at some point he started sleeping in his own room.
When I had my daughter, I did not want to go thru the same thing so form day 1 she has slept in HER room in HER bed! It’s great!! And actually she *hates* being in bed with us! I have tried to get her to come to our bed and cuddle, but she wants no part of it!
We are trying for our 3rd baby and I have heard a lot of good things about co-sleeping. I kinda think I might want to give it a try, but then again I am scared that it will only lead to the baby *always* wanting to sleep with us!…till he/she is 18!!!
So my question to any of you is, how do you co-sleep but then stop once the child gets older?
Thanks!
Amy recently posted..Have you been kind today
Do what my parents did to me. Bolt the door in so they physically can’t get out of their room
Oh, let me tell ya! I have been there. I was a single mama before my little guy could walk so when it was just me and him I wanted someone to cuddle with and keep me warm. Eventually I got married and had another child so that had to come to an end.
Bedtime was HELL for years. The entire world had to stop so I could lay down with my son so he could go to sleep. We had a 3 bedroom house and only used one bedroom and the couch. GRRR.
Well then we moved to our cramped 2 bedroom townhouse. The kids share a room and with bunk beds there’s really not any room for everyone to sleep together. (My son used to have a full sized bed so often I’d just sleep in his room at the other house.) And now we can all lay down and cuddle and then it’s bedtime – time to find your own bed.
It takes time. Instead of waiting for bedtime to address the issue perhaps it should be discussed in the early evening as a family discussion. Explain how much better everyone would feel if they could sleep in their own space. Be firm. Demand to take your bed back. And let them know, before the crying starts, that crying will not make you change your mind. And follow through with what you say. Crying will happen but if they get what they want when they belt out those shrieks of horror that’s what they’ll resort to everytime.
Be firm…your back and your wellbeing will reward you greatly for your strength!
One day, they’ll discover on their own that it isn’t socially acceptable for them to be sleeping with you (among their circle of uber-savvy 11 year old companions).
I know this wasn’t the advice you were looking for, but I just wanted to give you a glimmer of hope in case all these other fine tricks failed to work! They won’t be sleeping with you when they’re 18!
A month or so ago, I wrote (whined) about how I was such a hard as about making sure my kid slept in her own room at a couple of months old, that now, at 16 months when she’s having a rough night I can’t help her – can’t rock her to sleep, can’t put her in bed with me, etc, because she won’t sleep anywhere but her crib. I was all “woe is me” and “maybe I messed up” but stories like this make me think maybe it’s not so bad. And they are also why I’m scared to death to change things up – that one night will turn into years of not being able to get her out of my bed.
That’s the one thing that’s nice about my kids– they will sleep anywhere. As long as I’m there, I mean.
First off let me say you are not a bad parent (if so then myself and lot other parents would fall in this category). When my son was little he never slept and with my husband working out of state during the week and mommy being exhausted and overwhelmed with her first child, I would go get him out of the crib around 1am and we would stumble back to my bed and “snuggle” and fall asleep. I know I created a routine by allowing this. But looking back years later I have to admit that was my favorite time and memories I have with my son who really isn’t a very affectionist child.
We did try letting him cry it out when my husband was home finally after months of him coming into our bed even on weekends when Daddy was home for the weekend. We sat outside his closed door and as he screamed and cried we kept stopping each other from walking in there. After a while with tears pouring down my face I broke and went in to get him. Told my husband you know what its not like he is going to be a teenager and still sleeping in our room…..
Well, years later my husband would look at me a go “thought he wouldn’t be here as a teenager”. It wasn’t every night and always started off in his room. (years ago he was downgraded to the floor with sleeping bag). My son has never been able to sleep even to this day. (By high school he wasn’t in our room anymore. Don’t know how that happened or when we actually realized he was his room).
By his Senior year someone finally listened to my gut feeling which I had for years that something wasn’t 100%. Didn’t know if it was aniexty (strong in our family), adhd (even though pediatrcian said no), etc. I read a book by Dr. Amen on AD/HD who has children with this and I never realized that there was 6 different types of ad/hd. Well, what relief when I read this one section and it was my son. Besides being extremely senseitive to clothing on their skin if it is not soft, but SLEEP or lack of sleep was huge with this type of ad/hd. Even down to my pregancy with him. Finally found a doctor I dragged him and my husband to. Well, even though he was getting good grades up to high school, he was never disruptive or trouble in school, etc. He was diagnosed in Senior year with Ad/Hd. Well, now that his high school years were not enjoyable, his self-esteem destroyed and wanting to go to college in Florida (we live in the NJ) and not wanting to take his meds cause the dr and I were wrong. I had to just let him come to realize when he was ready things don’t have to be so difficult.
Today he is in his sophmore year in college in Florida after a huge adjustment his freshmen year in the dorm and college life he never once called home to say he needed to come back to Mom and Dad. He now lives by HIMSELF in a condo and sleep in his OWN bed. Doing great, found taking his meds really helps, he made the DEAN list, planning on doing an internship in Miami this summer instead of coming home. Even to this day he still can’t sleep and up most the nght with tv on or listen to his music on his ipod BUT doing it in his bed in his room.
He has a habit of calling home at 1am when I just got into a good sleep to tell me the dryer isn’t working, etc. I wouldn’t give up those first few years when he would “snuggle” and have mommy time. Now I want to ring his kneck some nights and he scares me to death when he calls so late thinking something is wrong. I guess after almost 20 years it is nice to see how he has matured, and succeed at what he is doing but the best part is he still needs his mom. Just wish it wasn’t always at 1am when it was dark out and everyone should be sleeping!
Don’t beat yourself up, you are a GOOD parent. (Or read your kids this response as a bed time story and guarantee they will fall asleep AND in their bed. LOL)
To the people that picked on you,
╭∩╮（￣▽￣）╭∩╮
That is all
LOL, thank you.
All my kids slept with me too. Lucky for me they are spread way out in ages. Once the next kid came along and/or they started kindergarten they had to sleep in their own bed. Unless they are sick, it’s the weekend or they are on vacation. Then they can sleep on the couch. I don’t have much advice other than to try talking to them and telling them that they are big kids now and they need to sleep in their own beds. It sounds like you are going to have to be firm and it’s going to suck for awhile. If all else fails just go sleep in one of their beds ;)
mom taxi julie recently posted..Swing Batter Batter!
I had an issue like that with my 2nd child. After sleeping with us for months… because he was afraid of everything. We made a deal, that he had to start out in his own bed every night. We were still awake, he had nothing to be afraid of….But he could not start out the night in our room. New Rule. I then placed a sleeping bag on the floor next to my side of the bed and told him that if he woke up during the night and was scared, he could come into my room – but he had to sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag, which was literally right next to me. He didn’t have to wake me up and tell me, he could just come in quietly and go back to sleep.(I’m a light sleeper and usually knew when he came in, but he tried so hard to be quiet that I didn’t want to let him know I was awake, I think that was good for him) He woke up in the night for a few weeks, and would come into our room and then eventually he stopped waking up and we would find it was morning and he was still in his room. – he was very proud of that fact too. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, it wasn’t about punishment. I know first hand what it’s like to be scared, I slept with a night light until I was 12 years old. I was just matter of fact. There was nothing wrong with being scared, but there was no reason for it, and he was big enough to sleep in his own bed now. It worked pretty well for us.
I feel so bad for you.
I slept with my mother until I was 12. Now when I am sick, I still want to sleep with my mom. She doesn’t let me.
I think some crying will happen, but you can stop this now… or never sleep next to your husband again.
I kind of have to laugh at the term “parent expert” or “expert at parenting.” I really believe that there is no such thing! Maybe if you pool every parent’s knowledge about parenting and their experiences about what has/has not worked for their child, you could get a lot of good info.
On to the sleeping: I do have a couple of suggestions/ideas:
1. Have them all sleep in the same room. I know it would be a hassle to move them all into the same room, but I know my kids take comfort most times in knowing that they are not alone in their rooms. Sometimes it makes bedtime interesting as they tend to play sometimes rather than go to sleep, but most of the time they sleep through the night. (My 7 y.o., 4 (almost 5) y.o. and 18 month old all share a room. Oldest 2 are boys, youngest is a girl.)
2. Start moving them out of your bed/room slowly. Start by putting some bedding down on the floor next to you. Let them know that this is where they are going to sleep rather than in your bed. Might help to remind them that you are still right there, but that’s where they need to sleep. Slowly transition them from next to your bed to a bit further away, and continue that until they are finally in their own rooms.
Also, if they don’t have them, nightlights seem to help my kids. And sleeping with a favorite stuffed animal and/or blankie seem to help.
Inevitably there will be tears and crying (I also hate it), but eventually the tears will stop. As much as it sucks because there will be tears, you’ll have to be consistent and firm in letting them know that that is where they need to sleep, and not anywhere else. Yes, tears, but it will eventually end.
Best of luck!!
I totally agree about the experts— what works for one person may totally backfire with another. But, I guess that won’t be selling any books.
I second the idea of putting them in the same room, my kids love it & feel more comfortable with a roommate. Once they’re older they’ll grow out of it. But for now it may work.
P.S. I did have a 2nd child 19 months later. My daughter never once in her 18 years slept in my bed. In fact, when she was 2 (even today) we would realize she isn’t on the couch anymore we would then find her in her bed sound asleep with out us even saying to go to sleep.
No, I didn’t do anything different then what I did for my son. They are just two very different children. She has her own issues that he doesn’t have. But that is what makes each of them their own person. Anyway, life would be boring if we all had “perfect” children. Now that sounds dull to me we wouldnt be sharing these great stories and advice then. :] ZZZZzzzzzzz
I wish I could offer you some advice but it turns out that I also don’t know everything about parenting. More specifically I know nothing about this problem.
Here’s some (blatantly stolen from a 1990s song) advice I can offer: wear sunscreen.
Distracted Dadddy recently posted..Reality Babies
P.s.s. Never slept with my parents when I was little except for 1 night when I was 24 years old. (My father was deceased at this time)
It was the night before my wedding and for some reason I found myself grabbing my pillow and asking if I can sleep with her. As I crawled into bed with my mom 1/2 a sleep facing the other way. A calmness came over me and my nerves went away thinking of my wedding day the next day. (More because I didn’t like being the center of attention back then and not over marrying my husband. We are celebrating our 21st Annv next month).
Quess it doesn’t matter how old we are when the sun goes down and I guess no one can see our weakness in the dark we know our mom/dads will always be there for us.
To this day my mom tells the story of the night before my wedding with love and pride. It is one of her best memories she says she will always cherish. And she wasn’t a bad parent. (might not have thought so at the time in my teenager years but realize once I had my own teenagers when the kids say that you are ruining their life you know you are doing your job and being that “good” parent.)
Wish all you a good night sleep. If it isn’t tonight realize one day (which might be years from now) you will have one.
–>I have no advice.
I do know that my husband reversed his daughter’s bedroom door lock to keep his daughter in her room at bedtime. He and his ex-wife would go in to find her asleep against the door so they’d move her back to bed. She’s almost 16 now and laughs at the story because she loves sleeping so much.
WebSavvyMom recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Iron Man Goes for a Drive
I have two boys and have had the same problem for different periods of time. Mostly it’s because we’re too tiered to take them back to their beds but also felt back when they said they were scared. It’s so much better now and they mostly sleep through the night in their old rooms. I think you have to just try different things like – putting music on before leaving the room so that they have an aid in distracting them from their fears, one (or in our case several) little night lights that can be comforting, a special blanket or toy that they can cling to, or even those pillow pets (I know, they’re totally goofy), laying with them for a few silence minutes etc. They said that each time they get out of bed you have to walk them straight back to their room and not say too much. We did that too for a while. Eventually some combination of things worked.
Good luck. I know how tough it is.
I would set up an arrangement where you can all sleep in the same room comfortably (maybe another bed on the floor, or just blankets on the floor, or I have heard of just pushing two beds together). The kids will move to their own rooms when they are ready–there are not many high schoolers sleeping with their parents. They are only little for a short time. I totally disagree with the posts suggesting drastic measures for keeping them in their own room. They are not doing it to torture you and they are not misbehaving–they are coming in because they need to for some reason. Embrace and enjoy it the best you can.
I agree wholeheartedly with you. I was brought up sleeping in a family bed. Started sleeping in my own bed-next to my parents at 3 when my sister was born. Had my own room at 5, didn’t sleep there full time until I was 6 or 7. Am a happy, successful, competent adult.
With this type of discussion, I think about how many millennia parents and children slept in one bed/sleeping area and how most of the world still sleeps like this. A separate room much less bed is a very recent development and our “hardwiring” hasn’t had time to adapt to this norm or the fact that the dark isn’t dangerous.
This being said, every family has to do what is right for them and kids are brought up differently by every family, successfully.
Yes, The musical beds situation in our house completely SUCKED! Without a doubt, the biggest parental mistake I have made thus far!!!
To all the pediatricians and super nannies out there with their step by step guides……blah blah blah…glad youve had success! Seriously, good for YOU! When my 2 year old throws up from crying it out, THEN WHAT? It’s just wasn’t working for me.
Soooo, we’ve recently implemented a new plan of attack and although it’s not exactly the healthiest, it has given me and hubby our bed back.
My son’s room has transformed into the giant bed/sleep room. We put both full size mattresses together to make one BIG bed…the kids have the comfort of each other, but still have space enough to actually get a sound night sleep.
So far, so good.
I forgot how magnificent it is to sleep on a bed without fear of falling off! ….BLISS!
I can’t even imagine that feeling of having a bed to myself. When that day finally comes, it will be well worth the wait.
:) you probably won’t be able to sleep… ‘Something’s missing, I just can’t put my finger on it.’ dang.
Hi Jill something that really worked with us is that one night a week we have a sleep-over with the kids. We make a big bed in the living room, watch a movie and all fall asleep together. It is really fun and the kids look forward to it all week. When working on getting them to sleep in their own beds this will be a huge incentive for them. At the same time you are moving them sleeping with you out of your room. Make this sleepover really fun. Hope you find a solution, because honestly I don’t know how you do it LOL i’d be going fuckin nuts!!!!
All I know is that when we went from a queen bed to a king bed, the amount of children that visited and remained during the night increased exponentially. So, how about you and your hubby get yourselves two twin beds, and see what happens…
Julie recently posted..Daddy Love
It really sounds like you only have two choices, let them cry it out or get more couchs in your room. Which one will work in your life right now?
I have # 3 in our bed every night. I’m not ready for the endless nights of crying and up and down placing her back in her bed, only because I cannot deal right now without sleep. So hubby has moved to couch and # 3 crawls in every night middle of the night and we both sleep peacefully.
My # 1 daughter just has moved into her own bed after 8 years of trying what the “experts” said to do. I slept in her room, hallway, couch outside her room on and on. Every night was battle and I finally caved and let her accompany the family bed. Once # 3 got big enough to be a burden to sleep with (she’s a kicker, she snores, she talks in her sleep, she curls as close as possible to you) # 1 couldn’t deal and moved out into her own bed. Has been there ever since.
So maybe you should try making your bed VERY uncomfortable for your kids. Good luck! I’ll be there again with # 3 shortly.
Holly Taylor recently posted..I talk to GOD and he talks to me
Hey, Check out some old-school advice form Barbara Colorosso. I like her idea of sleeping at the foot of the kids’ bed (on the floor) so they can not be alone. This has worked for me along with tough love. Kids cry, kids manipulate-even in an innocent way. You still dont get much sleep, but the habit of staying in their own bed is kept up. Also, you could banish them from your bed and leave a sleeping bag on the floor of you room, taking away the reward of sleeping in your bed (they are still with you) your bed is your bed as is theirs. Been there.
I’m being 100% serious when I say, this is the time for bribes. Perhaps a sticker every morning that they’ve stayed in their rooms all night. After 5 stickers in a row, it’s a special trip to the dollar section at Target. Or they can forgo the dollar section and try to “earn” something bigger after more stickers. At a certain point, no more prizes . . . it’ll have to transition to an expectation.
Is this a dumb idea? I think it could work . . .
Nina recently posted..TWITTER- KISS AND TELL
My kids are pretty un-bribe-able. IT SUCKS. We did tell Lily she couldn’t have any more sleepovers until she slept up there, so that’s something. Might be time to whip out the sticker chart again.
oh dear. I’m in the same boat. The psychiatrist tells me I need to be firm, but he has quite a few health and mental health issues, so it’s very difficult. If I lock the door – he tries to break it down. And his night terrors are very real. My health is poor so if I don’t sleep, I don’t function. As a single parent, it gets even tougher. I’m homeschooling this year so we’re together 24/7. He’s built himself a bed/fort underneath the big table in my room that we homeschool on. He still crawls into my bed at some point in the night, usually after a nightmare, and I don’t usually notice until he’s shoving me out of the bed (usually because he’s trying to cuddle up close). So I got nothin’ – just wanted you to know you’re in the same boat. And he’s 11. I’ve been waiting for him to grow out of this for years.
I know a lot about parenting, but sadly (and strangely) I have the hardest time when it comes to bed. My youngest often falls asleep in my bed. I will usually move him back into his room before I go to sleep, but he is frequently right back in my bed (in between Mom and Dad where it’s warmest) in the morning. He’s so quiet about it that I don’t even wake up to tell him to turn around and get back in his own bed. Most of the time, thought, I let it slide because I just want some freaking sleep!!
Lolli recently posted..San Francisco- in Pictures
That’s the problem– I’m just too tired to give a shit!
Buy a new bed and move it into one of there rooms. Soon the will migrate. Rinse and repeat x3.
Or
Move them all into the same room so they have company.
Or
Build a mother in law appt and lock them out.
Good luck.
rachel recently posted..Week 5- Fancy Shrimp with Pasta!
My 3yo has been sleeping with me pretty much since she was born. I love her sweet little face on the pillow next to mine. Her warm snuggly little self worms its way over to “my” side of the bed and if I turn over away from her, she squishes up against my back, almost shoving me off the bed. Do I love it? Absolutely. Will this be hell on earth when I get married in December and we move her to her own room? Absolutely. Until then, I’ll just enjoy the stuffed animals, belly kicks and elbows in the eye. Snuggling rocks.
When I was a child I went through a phase where I HAD to sleep in my parents room. It started around the time when my step-dad started having sleep over’s at our house. I remember screaming and crying (my mother put a lock on her door) every night. The fact that my parents relationship made it through the little *hell* I created amazes me. I also remember my mother telling me “Sarah, one day I hope you have a child just like you.”
…WELL
Both of my children slept in our room until they slept through the night (around 6 months), other then them being sick I have made no exceptions to them them sleeping in our bed. About a month ago I had pretty serious abdominal surgery. My children stayed at my parents house for about 2 weeks, but when I talked to them on the phone every night they seemed pretty upset because I was “sick.” Since they came back home my son has started coming into our room at about 5 am and asking to snuggle with me. At first I thought it was sweet (he’s so concerned about his mommy you know!) But now it’s just annoying. It’s hard enough to fall back asleep when you know you only have 2 hours left to sleep, never mind with a squirmy toddler sleeping beside you… So last week I decided to get mean. I told him that he needs to stay in his bed, and that mommy loves snuggling with him, just not when the sun is still sleeping. So we enforced a “baby rule”. Every night he gets out of bed the next night he sleeps in a playpen (my son is only 4, so he can still sleep comfortably in one.) It’s actually worked quite well. In the past 6 days he has only gotten out of bed once (and that was to climb out of the playpen and back into his own bed.) I think putting the idea into his head that only babies get out of bed has really guilted him into staying in his own bed.
As for your daughter, have you ever thought about buying her a pet (like a guinea-pig, hamster, bunny) to keep in her room? It may help to have a little friend in there to make her feel secure in her own room. And it could also help to enforce the “you are big enough to take care of your pet, you are big enough to sleep in your own room.”
I also was told by a friend, that a good way to stop the “family bed” thing, is to go buy a couple sleeping bags and tell the kids that if they want to sleep in the same room as you, they get to sleep in their bags on the floor (it will clear up bed space for you and hubs, and maybe get some separation between the kids and you.)
As parents we all do what we can. And even though some people will judge you and say “no no you are doing that wrong” really there is no ONE WAY or WRONG WAY to raise kids, because all children are different. So don’t fear that you are a bad mother (you are not) kids just know what they can get a way with (deceiving little buggers aren’t they?!)
goodluck!!! =)
What about sleeping bags on the floor in your room? Then they could sleep in there but not in your bed.
Or maybe some type of reward system if they slept in their own beds ‘x’ amount of night they get a new toy or something.
I have never had this issue so I really don’t know what to say but I hope that you get it figured out. Because putting in ear plugs while your child screams is not pleasant. Been there.
Jen recently posted..“Tonight is Gonna to be a Good Night”
I have no advice for you on this one but I feel your pain. My little one shares the bed with us and she is terrible to sleep next to, she kicks, cries, and talks in her sleep. My oldest sleeps mostly in her own bed unless she has a bad dream but then she comes in with us.
Jessica recently posted..I’m a SAHM and a business owner
We have a family bed, too. Our older children once slept with us and eventually grew out of it once they began falling asleep in other rooms and not getting up until morning, and realizing, for themselves, that the sky didn’t fall and the end of life as we know it arrive simply because they weren’t sleeping in bed with us. I’d say around 7 or so years old is when they begin to realize this. But when they’re small, they need us, so we allow them to remain with us. In a very, very big bed. :)
Hugs!
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting recently posted..Best Kids Valentine Card EVER!
I vote you make them a bunk room and let them all sleep together. Then cut the bedroom door in half, so that they can see out, but can’t necessarily escape whenever they want to jump in your bed. Tell them the doctor said it just has to be this way.
Sara — The Football Wife recently posted..The Best Kind of Fever
I’m sorry I don’t have time to read all the other comments, so please forgive me if I am repeating them here.
If they were my children, I would make one of their bedrooms an amazing child’s playground. I would make the other a quiet room just for me, or a workout room, or something. And I would make the third their bedroom, with either one big bed or a couple of bunk sets, and I’ll let them all sleep in there together. With a night light if they need it.
I wouldn’t think about “shoulds” or “propers” – I’d think about what their little hearts needed. They’re scared of being alone. So let them be together. Find a solution that actually works for everyone in your real life, rather than what the “experts” say ought to work. And find a solution that is kind to you all.
If you find out please for the love of God, my sex life, and my aching back please let me know because I am bad parenting right along with you.
myevil3yearold recently posted..Ive Finally Hit the Big Time
Sleep is one of those three things kids control, sleeping, eating and going potty. Ugh. Sharing a room is an idea I agree with. Or what about a rewards chart to bribe them to sleep in their beds, sleep in bed for x days and you will get a special day with mom or outing or something.
Sleep is so tricky, it is a slippery slope, once you start it just snowballs doesn’t it?
Heather (One Take On Life) recently posted..Snow is good for the soul
Just found this site. I just want to thank you for making me feel normal. Im a new mom, and fucking clueless about what I am doing. I am now your website stalker. Please write a book..(if you havent already).
We’re all clueless. Welcome to the club. :)
My daughter now 12 is still a horrible sleeper. I think that in her entire life so far she sleeps through the entire night about 1 out of 10 times. At 5 her ped even prescribed a mild sedative for 10 days. I know that sounds awful but we were desperate. I honestly thought I was going to die if I didn’t get some sleep and I was very worried about sending her to school on so little sleep. The sedative was only intended to help her fall back to sleep and get her in the habit of not fully awaking at night. It helped a little, for a while but was never a “cure” and from then till now she has had good(somewhat), not so good, and just plain horrible sleep patterns.
My son (born 8 days before his sisters 4 bd) was placed in his crib to sleep the day we left the hospital. This did not help me at all. It didn’t take long for him to figure out that wasn’t where he wanted to be. Breastfeeding and tummy aches (or his sisters contant waking) had him up everynight for hours until he was 18 months. By that point the damage was done and he didn’t sleep through the night, or alone until he was 6 and a half.
I am convinced I would look 10 years younger if my kids had just slept.
hey girlie- I don’t have a lot of advice because we play musical beds sometimes too. What I do want to say is, your kids will grow out of it when they realize they want privacy and space and I would not worry about it. You are doing a fine job and make the rest of us smile. Motherhood can be a very lonely place and mom’s can be THE worst bitches to eachother! We are all surviving this road together and do the best we can!
So keep it up, and no matter where your kids sleep they will be normal, loving, good kids, because YOU are their mom.
Jes
I have the same issues. Both my kids find their way into our bed (or us into theirs) every single night. My only thought? One day (oh that precious day) they will stop. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll miss it. Maybe. But probably not,
I so wish I had some advice for you but I’m in the exact same place. An aching back and oh so very very tired…..
jillsmo recently posted..Lost friends & song of the day
Girl please good luck we have five and we are still trying to get our bed back the children use their beds to make forts and circus equipment but to sleep hell no. If we wait til their sleep and put them in their beds we end up looking at a clock that says four am then trying to run quietly to our room to sneak a quickie in before the two yr old realizes she is in her bed then runs to scream my name at the top of her lungs and bang on the door as if she is offended by the meaning of the of the locked door. I get to the door just moments short of waking the two month old up…no such luck he is up…sleep is in the same category as lock Ness big foot yeti unicorns mermaids and Santa clause
I’d try letting them share a room, maybe that would at least get them to start out in their own beds. They’ll probably still come in during the night though. I have some combo of my 3 little boys in my room every night, I insist they start out in their beds, but they always end up coming in. My oldest (13) is on a floor by himself, and he is now scared to be alone so he’s been sleeping on the floor of our 3&5yo’s room. Whatever works.
Here’s the good news- My 11 year old daughter and 13 year old son do not come into my bed to sleep. So at some point between now and 11 it’s going to stop.
TornadoTwos recently posted..One wrong word can make ALL the difference
ok, so my daughter is 10 months old and we haven’t really had to deal with this much yet – but when my sister was Lily’s age she had terrible nightmares and was afraid to go to sleep most nights, would wake up often and cry etc.
The magic trick was a guard dog. Seriously, we got her a doberman puppy and that dog went to bed with her every night (in the bed, not just in the room) and from that moment on, not a night-time peep was heard.
Of course, for this to work you have to make a commitment to a dog – and if you do, I highly suggest doing your homework to get the *right* breed for your family. But it sounds like this could help Lily.
For the boys, I second a sibling bed. Sleeping alone is a western phenomenon anyway, nothing wrong with teaming up with your brother. Could work for a while with Lily too, but she’ll be getting older and need her space.
Good luck!
Dog in the room has worked wonders for our little guy!
My son slept with us, his father is the guilty party in starting it. Then we had a few yrs of him sleeping solo (yayy!!) . Then..there was the divorce. It began innocently, just “falling asleep” in my bed. It turned into him being my roomate for 4 years. It was at age 8 that I finally kicked him out. It wasn’t pretty. Lots of crying, and temper tantrums, it eventually worked out. Bailey is now going on 15, and seems no worse for it. They will eventually leave your bed, by force or by just growing up. Don’t fear Jill, they won’t be 15 and sleeping in your bed!!
your bed, not my bed. the floor of my room, but not my bed. sleeping bags are fine, but not my bed.
What about a sibling bed? Like a queen size for all three of them in a different room?
Mom Went Crazy recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
I wish I had an answer. I have been doing the cry it out with my 2nd child since she was 6 months old. She is now 2 years 2 months and still cries to bed most EVERY night and often in the middle of the night too. I am super hard core, never give in and she still cries! It drives me nutts, but I am pregnant with baby #3 so cant have her ion our bed, so cant give in.
I wish there was an easy answer. If you find one let me know.
Summer
Summer recently posted..I am so lucky
Nina’s idea has merit. I turned a few things into contests and the kids went for it.
But I never had a problem with the kids only being able to sleep in my bed because I am super dad and have been graced by god with superpowers such as the ability to make my children laugh hysterically by running through the door.
Yes, I said running through the door. You gain a certain amount of street cred when you can cause the whole frame to splinter or when you can put your fist through a wall.
Mind you that some of these skills can be attributed to the wonderful world of misdirection and special effects. Not to mention that 240 pounds of 5 year-old helps.
You could also tell them about the monster that lives under your bed. It won’t take much effort to create one that scares them silly. The upside is that they won’t sleep there anymore.
Of course the problem with that is that the therapy bills that come later on are just horrific.
We’re social animals, we like to be in the company of others – even when we sleep. It’s a safety in numbers things.
Missy – almost 10 was one of those “I need to sleep with youuuuuuuuu” babies – right from day dot. Annoyed me to no end at the beginning. Being a first time mum, this was not helping. Had to make sure “dad” (now ex) didn’t roll on top of her through the night. I breastfed, so it was easy enough to feed her and go back to sleep.
The Beast (aka my son) is 7. He was great, sleeping in his own cot there for a while. Only slept in my bed when I was to lazy to put him back into his after a night feed.
When I dumped their lazy, no good biological “sperm donor” they both camped with me in my bed. It was easier on all of us. Besides, I knew where they were and it was safer – and warmer- in winter :DD
I met my fiance and he didn’t really approve of them being in my bed – he has AS, so certain things are hard for him to understand and deal with – like co-sharing with kids. Needless to say, the kids camped on the floor alot. Now they sleep in their own beds – when he is here and when he isn’t, well, I try to keep them in theirs.
Beast is learning to not wet the bed – so he has to stay in his own bed. And Missy – well, she is in mine, cause we’re moving interstate soon and her bed, whilst cool, was too much of a pain to reassemble. She falls asleep on the lounge and I find her in my bed by morning.
And because I’m such a heavy sleeper – that or I’m so used to them coming in – I never hear them to take them back out.
Personally, enjoy this time while you can. You’ll never get these times back when they’re older. Also cats are great for snuggling with, they purr and are therefore superior to dogs :p
First of all…that picture is priceless!!! It’s great…doesn’t look like any room for mommy though…but maybe that’s ok. They always kick the crap out of me anyway. I just love ya girl! I think it’s crazy how some people walk around this world gettin’ all offended about everything…they take everything literally; no sense of humor what so ever! Crazy! Lighten up people…laugh a little. I love how you take it all in stride!!
Crystal recently posted..Sexy Mamas At The Mommy Mambo
I feel your pain, literally. My husband was adamant about our first two children sleeping in their beds. It was fine with our daughter, but our son was absolutely terrified of sleeping alone. Fifteen years later and he still sleeps with a nightlight. When our third child came along, the distress of a previous stillbirth and a very difficult pregnancy meant I was not about to leave baby to sleep alone. Now he hops into bed with mommy five nights out of seven! My suggestion may be lame, but so far it’s the only I’ve found that works right now. And that is to be away from home at bedtime so daddy puts him to bed. Dad doesn’t have the “mommy gene” and is resistant to the emotional tug I always get when my son looks puny and pathetic and pleads to go to sleep with mommy. If I’m quiet, he never knows when I get home. This won’t eliminate the problem, but you’ll get a few extra nights a week of partial sleep.
I swear I have a note on my desk right now to write a guest post to submit to you about sleeping. For real. I call myself the self-proclaimed sleep expert. Not because I’ve been successful, but because I’ve tried everything.
Jennifer recently posted..My newest obsession
Ok, totally not an expert here either. My child is getting ready to turn 4 and has slept with us every night of her little life since she was about 3 months old and I would sneek her into my bed when I figured out that she slept alot longer there. About two weeks ago, we moved her toddler bed into our bedroom and took her shopping to pick out her own new little sheet set, disney princess of course. I put her and about 25 stuffed animals in her own bed with her that night and she’s slept there ever since. Not sure where you’d put 3 in one bedroom though, lol. Good Luck!
This is a HUGE problem with kids. You have these ideals and fully intend to stick to them, but dammit, 2 am is not a pleasant time. I’m guilty of letting my children come to my bed, hell sometimes they fall asleep in there. The honest truth is that I usually don’t even realize they have come to my bed until I wake up in the morning. I will tell you that they outgrow it if you can wait. If instead you are now bat shit crazy tired of it, we use room sharing which we have reasonable success with. I guess if all else fails, you could get a bigger bed.
Signed,
Exhausted and likely to share my bed with 2 dogs and probably 2 kids tonight
Breeh recently posted..What does Egypt Have to do With Tea Partiers
I can sooooo relate! My 10 year old still sneaks in my room through the night. Not every night, but heck even 3 out of 7 is still too much for me. He is 10 for crying out loud.
I have recently started joking with him that his friends will find it quite humorous if they ever found out and they would never let him live it down. Apparently my son doesn’t care what others say (good thing) because he is still sneaking in around 4am.
Good luck on finding the trick to keep the kids their beds!!!
I’m sure you will think of something wonderful!
Stacey recently posted..How to Fit Exercise Into Your Busy Life
Sorry – I can’t help. My bed looks pretty much the same. Chris will sometimes demand that everyone go back to their room. Of course that means that I end up sleeping on the floor with the kids – so that’s not helping either…except for him, that is.
Kate Coveny Hood recently posted..She Knows What She Wants and
OK, so you guys brought the ideas, (THANK YOU!) now which one of you is coming over to actually implement them?!
All I can say is all you have to do is say someone was not nice to you and you bring out the real parents who totally can relate and want to support you and it seems like most of the comments are warm and have the tone of try this hope it works instead of just do this and it will be fine! I hope something works so you all can get some rest! Mine never have slept with me but sure have done the get out of bed 150 times a night and breaking that did suck. Good luck my prayers are with you!
Oh man…this sucks. I guess I am lucky that my kids sleep in their own beds every night. I can tell you what I did that some people might not agree with. When we moved Sadie to her big girl bed there was one night in particular that she kept coming out of her room. We kept walking her back (seriously a million times) and finally LOCKED her ass in the room. She threw a fit, destroyed her room, threw books and toys, screamed and yelled…. but finally fell asleep. She hasn’t come out since.
However, you gotta do what you gotta do. So if you have to fall asleep in your kids room and sneak out for your vodka later, then so be it. We are all human trying to do the best that we can.
PS- I didn’t know Ben had his tonsils out! Sadie just had her tonsils & adenoids out the end of Jan. HOLY NIGHTMARE!!!!
Hmm. Yeah, I’m not too sure. The only one of my three who wanted to bed sleep was my youngest. When hubster is on duty, working nights, or deployed, she curls up in my bed. I tend to welcome that as I don’t like sleeping alone. When my son was a newborn he refused to sleep with the exception of his carseat and on my chest. I put the carseat next to bed, and we slept, well, very little. Eventually he outgrew it. The boys shared rooms until they were 6 and 8. Our daughter has always had her own room though.
I’d honestly say follow your instinct. It seems mommy’s instincts are mostly right. WE are the ones that know our children, not some so and so who thinks she or he knows best.
The Military Life recently posted..I fell
I’ve been there. Alora was an “Evan” when she was little(r) and I can’t count the number of times I feel asleep sitting on the floor with just my head on the bed. The pain upon waking…ungh.
I’m no expert (unlike you) but since Lily is already eye rolling, and girling it up, I’m sure pretty soon it will be ‘uncool’ to sleep with you/siblings. The boys though…..boys are weird alien creatures…so I got nothing!
Adryon recently posted..The Kitchen’s Weekly Meal Plan 21211 – 21811
HA! I was Lily to my parents and my sister was more like Evan. Oh man, O man. That was rough for them though. They even tried to use the dog to force us to get into our own beds!
Apparently what worked is a room redecoration. I mean, all-out decoration here. My mom painted a white picket fence (with flowers and ivy!) around my sister’s room and gave me a fantastically 80s room complete with hand prints on the wall. Every time we tried to sleep with them, my mom would take us back to our rooms and point out how great they were. A few months (!) later and it was fine.
Of course, when it stormed (living in tornado alley has its drawbacks), my sister would run in to be with them.
My friend tried to do that sleeping bag trick where you move their sleeping bag closer and closer to their room. Pssh. Sucked to be her when it didn’t work. She ended up just telling her kids that she had washed the bed and it had shrunk in the dryer. Therefore, it was now too small to fit them all. It seemed to work better.
Either way — good luck. We’re dealing with night terrors at the moment, which I always hope are just a phase.
Angi B recently posted..My Wittle Girl
I’m going to leave this one up to Super Nanny. It’s beyond me. How do you sleep?
ConnieFoggles recently posted..Nature Coast Florida Bloggers Group
I have been thinking about writing about this myself, bc it seems to come up a lot lately in my online reading. We have always kept a family bed. My almost 3 yo is totally trained to be in my bed… and truly, it’s time for him to go. Our solution, from baby #1, was that we went out and purchased one of those low-to-the-floor cots that you see in daycare. We put it on the floor next to our bed (with the girls this started at age 2). During the day, the thing just slides under the bed and out of sight.
We found they liked the closeness of being in our room, but didn’t need to be in our bed, so this worked well for us. Eventually, they (on their own) sort-of outgrew the cot and migrated to their own beds. We kept the cot for any night-time wakings or bad dreams (My middle child would wake up in the night a lot and I didn’t want her in my bed so she would wake me and we would slide the cot out for her). HOPEFULLY, one his third birthday, we can wean our son to his new Thomas The Train Big Boy Bed in His Own Room. But if not, we still have the cot.
marie recently posted..The F-words
I’m kind of at a loss, with no practical advice. Have you thought about getting a second bed to put in your bedroom? Because it doesn’t look like there’s room in that bed for you.
My twins share a room and that seems to comfort them. The reason I have no practical advice is that they have slept in their own cribs or beds since they were born. I had fears of rolling over on them and crushing them in their sleep or suffocating them. I also had fears about them sleeping in my bed until they were 10 years old.
We have sleep nightmares of our own… and now that we have the kids finally sleeping through the night in their own rooms the darn CAT has decided that 3am is the perfect time to wake up and demand to be let out. Sleeptraining a cat… never thought I’d be there.
All joking aside, what’s worked with my kids has been chocolate. I started promising a treat to the little one for every night she spent in HER room.
So, how about maybe sitting the kids down and asking them what you can all do to make night-time better? Maybe they need a sibling bed? Maybe to start with they need mattresses on the floor in your room? Maybe they will react well to a success chart with a super fun prize after 5 days of sleeping in their own beds?
Hang in there… odds are they aren’t going to take you with them to college!
Jessica (@ It’s my life…) recently posted..Willingness to be vulnerable
Went through the same issues with my now 6 year old daughter. It took all of four years until she got “brave” enough to sleep in her own bed. I wish there was an easy formula.
Tough one. I have a new born and he is my third. He sleeps in our room and I will move him out in another 3 months or so. Hugs and lots of luck.
I can’t offer any good advice, because I am in the same boat as you are and bloody clueless on how to fix the situation. So I’ll just offer my sympathies instead…
We go through stages with our 3 year old, but the 7 yo has never had any problems. I wish I knew what to say to help. Good luck!
Amanda @ High Impact Mom recently posted..Manage Your Finances – Get Involved
This was me a few weeks ago. One day I just couldn´t do it anymore, I was tired of taking kids a billion times backs to their beds, the kids were not sleeping enough waiting to move back to mine so after trying everything everyone ever told me (and failing) I just moved them all (there´s three of them) to the same room and in the same bed. Problem solved. No one was more surprised than me, but hey who am I to question a weird sleeping arrangement if it works ;)
This sounds exactly like our experience as well! Our oldest who is now almost 8 slept with us until he was 4. Being inexperienced and terribly sleep-deprived we had brought him to bed with us as an infant because he had horrible reflux and wouldn’t sleep flat. In our bed he could lay on our chests or be propped up on a pillow. Fortunately we were able to fix all of our mistakes with child #2, but here’s what we did that helped child #1. When we moved him into another room we started out (ok, who am I kidding? It wasn’t “we” it was “me,” the man of the house was far too busy for this kind of mundane activity!) sitting beside his bed until he feel asleep. After a week of that I moved a few feet away. A week later, I sat in the doorway. A week after that, I sat out in the hall outside his room, and in no time at all (hahahahahahahahaHA!) he was falling asleep on his own. We also eventually moved child #2 in with him as well and since then he hasn’t visited our room even once!:) He never has to fall asleep alone and I don’t have to switch beds with him in the middle of the night because there’s no room in my own! Praise be!
I’m screwed too! My older two (almost 10 and almost 7) don’t come in anymore. but my youngest (almost 3) is in my bed almost every night. It is a pain in the ass. She takes forever to fall asleep and often keeps her big sister (she shares a room with the 6yo) awake talking. I have to lie down with her for ever to get her to sleep. Some nights, it’s just not worth it. Especially this past week when I have been sick. Eventually, she will sleep in her own room.
Sue recently posted..basement update
I feel so bad for you!! I went through this with my one daughter.. can’t imagine it with three! I tried everything with her from redecorating her whole room to bribery.. nothing worked. The solution (which i’m sure i’ll pay for in hefty therapy bills later) was I tucked her into her bed, raced to my own room and locked my door. For a couple of nights she would scream, holler and and beat on my door for what seemed like forever. She actually ended up falling asleep on the floor outside my door the first couple of nights and i would get up and put her into her bed. One night i found her cuddled up out there with our dog (who got evicted from my room when she did). It sounds horribly mean but I was at my end. It didn’t take her long at all to figure out if she got out of the comfy bed I originally put her in it wasn’t going to get her anywhere.
How bout straight bribery? Give them a quarter every night they sleep in their own room, but then if they want to sleep in your room, they have to give you 50 cents. Then you just have to figure out how to stop that so you’re not giving them quarters in High school
My friends are bringing me today their old bed so my son (4yo) fits better to sleep next to me. Yes, he has a bed too, but every night I carry him to his bed because almost every night he falls asleep in my bed. And in the morning he sneaks back to my bed to snuggle. I’m single mom, and to save space in our tiny apartment, I have single bed, but now we’re upgrading. lol
that is hilarious. all you need is the family dog in that picture. priceless!
I didn’t read the other comments and I am sure plenty will disagree with me on this one, but crying is actually the answer.
I hate to hear my boys cry, but if they were sleeping in my bed the way you are describing, well, I would lose my ever loving mind honey! I need some kind of me time, and I draw the line at invading my bedroom. My sex life. My sleep.
No way. I promise (since I’ve been where you are), the crying last 3 days to a week maximum and then they realize how AWESOME it is to be able to get up and play without waking mom lol.
Bella recently posted..Cream Cheese- Dieting & Blog Awards
It’s true, this is the best advice. I was stuck in the same situation with my first daughter, and then finally she had to suck it up and cry herself to sleep for a little while. It really only lasted a couple days long and then she’s been sleeping in her own bed ever since. With my son, I also learned by trial and error. He is and has been the best sleeper ever. To bed at 7pm up at 7am and naps from 12-3. Totally awesome. He’s been on that schedule since he was 2 months old. (give or take a extra nap in the day when he was younger)
But that is what you are going to have to do. I’ve watched many showes about super nannys and how they come and transform your kids from bad to good and that was a major issue in most episodes. So what they did was make the kids stay in their beds no matter what until they fall asleep. If they get out, you put them back, not saying anything and keeping the house completely calm and quiet. It will work. Just takes patience and about a week of no sleep. But hey, you have to sacrifice for the best results in the long run… all the best to you and I hope it helps. Take charge of your bed! You are the boss!
You’re going to fill us in on how it all goes, right? I love the “kid sleeping room” idea. My only other suggestion (and forgive me if it’s been said) is to ask them for ideas. Just be totally straight and say, “This is not working, so what are we gonna do…here are a few options (which don’t include the Scary Mommy/Daddy bed) and you get to choose.”
Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole recently posted..It’s a family tradition- but not the kind Hank Jr endorsed
Crap. You aren’t an expert? I’ve been coming to you all along for that.
Okay…back to seriousness.
Sharing a room could work, right? Have a “kid” room and a “parents” room. And, a bribe would never hurt, right?
Krystyn recently posted..SnackTAXI reusable snack bags review and giveaway
Can I first say that it never fails to amaze me the level of bitchery some people stoop to in your comments?
But second, this is a great opportunity for you, Jill. Seriously. It’s time to reclaim YOUR bed. It’s time for…THE BIG BED FAIRY. She’s going to visit all of your kids at once – everyone’s going to do it together. Make a chart – who can stay in their bed? The fairy will come bearing gifts for every week (or day, whatever) that the kids sleep in their beds. For the littlest ones, feel free to get a kiddie gate to put up so they can’t escape (tell them the bed fairy can only get in through the special door!). Tell the kiddos you’ll be able to hear every word they say – that you’re right there – and if you need them, you will come to them (NOT vice versa).
I’m sure the first night or two will require some extra work – but stick with it! Go to them, tuck them back in, hell, tell them you’ll sleep right outside in the hall (I honestly tell my son – he’s in a crib – that I’m sleeping on the floor, he is totally comforted and I hightail it back to my room),
BE STRONG! They will sleep better and you will sleep better. Crossing my fingers for you. It’s so hard.
The Flying Chalupa recently posted..Keha- The Rainbow Connection
Hahaha, that bed could be MINE with the husband and three babies and me wandering around doing dumb shit, like taking photos of it at 3am. I followed that exact same trajectory. Coddled #1. Forced #2 to deal. And Lazy with #3.
I really have NO advice to offer on the sleeping arrangements, but I just want to express my utter disappointment that someone would take your awesome idea of a confessional, and turn it into a way to anonymously make jabs at you. Grr. Sorry Jill!
The Blogtessa recently posted..An Ugly Spouse
We have a kinder-mat & sleeping bag on our floor. Kids are allowed to sleep there if they need (bad dreams, roommate being a shithead, etc.)
The fun part happens when they wake up at 4am and whine, “I’m hungry. I’m thirsty. WHERE’S MY STUFFED ANIMAL?!?!” there’s no quieting THAT beast.
Texan Mama recently posted..Writers Workshop- Worst Date Ever
Oh gosh, I have no clue. But I absolutely love that photo. The first time I looked at it, I didn’t even realize that all 3 of your kids were in that bed.
the mama bird diaries recently posted..the baby in the photo
We resolved our co-sleeping issue quickly with 2 of our kids. How, you ask? We mounted little 13″ tv’s in their bedrooms and told them that when we tuck them in at night, they can have their tv’s on for an hour. (They have sleep timers and turn off after 60 minutes.) Bottom line: replace one crutch with another. That’s great parenting, right? I know. Hush.
Who are we kidding here? There is no way to get them out of your bed. Accept it, as I have.
Listening to crying (genuinely sad, scared crying) in the middle of the night is never going to happen when you can oh-so-easily relent and cozy up next to the whole darn family and fall back to blessed sleep. Talking about it, playing in their bedrooms, sticker charts, bribery, etc. are all great during daylight hours but it does not translate to the reality of tired parents at night. There are hundreds of books written on the subject and yet not one bit of truly practical advice. Because you just cannot convince a kid who has grown attached to the comfort of sleeping with their parents that they suddenly don’t want to do this anymore.
Leaving our kids to cry, locking the door, etc. just doesn’t feel like the right thing to do for many of us. We don’t want to have to do the hard work of being a tough mean mommy who gives up her own sleep (even for a “few” nights). We don’t want to make them cry and feel scared and lonely. We want them to want to stop sleeping in our bed. But they don’t. And they probably won’t for a few more years. So try to carve out a few inches of the precious kind bed real estate for yourself, smell that yummy toddler head smell, and wake up to “Mommy, I love you.” Really, it’s not so bad.
I feel for you. My first always came into the room and pushed me off the bed. #2 would wander different places. Even found her under the bed one morning after panicking looking for her. #3 has slept on the couch for at least 2 years. Meh…sometimes you have to pick your battles and I’m too tired to argue about it. That for sure doesn’t make you a bad parent.
Melinda recently posted..Heartwarming Moments
Dying for a PROGRESS REPORT so you can tell all those HATERS you are an expert MOM! LMAO! Hope you have found something that has helped and if you haven’t tried anything be happy you have ideas!
OK! A progress report: I think Lily must read my blog. The night after I wrote it, without my doing a thing, she decided to sleep in her room. All night. I think she finally got how frustrated I was. Ben has moved to our couch (an improvement) and Evan is in his room. So, progress! Without tears. Works for me. :)
Kaish still likes to sleep with me. I have no idea why.
i am sure I have ruined the poor kid for life.
LOVE the idea of the sleepover for all of them together in their own room! Crossing my fingers for you that it works! Love, Becky
Life with Kaishon recently posted..she taught me that kindness comes first
We did our share of musical beds when the kids were little. Loved this post!
Bossy Betty recently posted..Monday Morning Almond Blossoms
I wish I had some good advice for you, but I have no clue what to tell you! But I will tell you that you kick ass for being honest about parenting, which is why you are so successful and have such a loyal readership. The person in the confessional is obviously just jealous!
The Mommyologist recently posted..I’m Hosting The Mom Hour On Heartbeat Radio For Women!
I was just turned on to your blog, and love it!
Try Bribery!!!! :)
I would lose my mind. I say this knowing that soon I will go to bed and fold my 5’10″ frame around three dogs and my 6’3″ husband. I’ll end up sleeping wadded up in a little triangle of the bed and wake up cramped up.
I never let our kids sleep in bed with us. I was afraid of what you’re experiencing and that they’d never go away. That, and their dad didn’t really like them when they were little. He’s been replaced now by a much better model.
I like the first posters idea of putting them in one room together. I say give that a whirl and have a very straight forward talk about how it is time to sleep in their owns beds and that you and daddy need adult time.
I just found your blog and LOVE it already!
I have a 3 year old that sleeps with me EVERY NIGHT since birth and a 5 year old that sleeps with me most nights!! My sex life is non existent, but the LOVE I feel every night when I go to sleep with my sweet babes by my side, is the most blessed feeling in the world!
Just enjoy it, this too shall pass :)
I got nothin’ ’cause I’m in the same boat – so when you got it figured out -um DM me – k??
ps – my 4 year old told me to sell her bed b/c she’s never sleeping in it!
Tiaras & Tantrums recently posted..You Capture- L
Try a pressurized baby gate across the doorway, (i read it in the harvard parenting forum) I did that for my 2.5 yearl old when daddy decided that the crib was passé and the toddler bed was the new thing. After 2 nights of Jake wandering into our room with his newfound freedom at 330 am, I had had enough. He can still open his door and call out for us, and I go to him, as well as the baby monitor that let’s me hear him regardless, but after a few weeks he knew it was just not worth it anymore.
My son will be 4 on April first he starts off in his bed at night usually wants me to lay down with him and i never give in and i tell him no you will sleep in your bed like a big boy you are not a baby i might have to hear him say mommy 100 times before he falls asleep but he does sooner or later. The problem is at some point in the middle of the night and I never know when he sneaks into our room like a ninja! Seriously i wake up and usually it scares the crap out of me to him sleeping next to me and i’m like wtf how and when did you sneak in here! I think he scales the wall has his own theme music and does a flips and then climbs into our bed at night! I have no idea how to make him stop and usually its bc i don’t even know when he comes in!