Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
Elizabeth Owen is an office drone and freelance writer. She lives with her husband Matt, daughter Jane, and dog Mabel in Arkansas. She blogs at Mabel’s House, and her new book, My (Not So) Storybook Life, is on sale now. One lucky commenter will win their own copy and be notified by e-mail.
Before writing about anything, I think it’s a good idea to address the definition of the topic at hand. Today our topic is being a lady.
Ladylike: Always using a handkerchief
Not Ladylike: Wiping your boogers all over the wall beside your bed. For years. Like my little sister Rachel.
Ladylike: Conducting oneself with poise in public.
Not Ladylike: Pooping your pants whilst hiding behind your great-grandmother’s coffin like my middle sister Rebecca.
Ladylike: Never making a scene.
Not Ladylike: Throwing a profanity filled fit in front of a store full of children because someone stole your parking space at a Harry Potter release party. Like I did.
And now that we’ve established what “ladylike” means, on with the story.
When we were young my parents took us camping a lot. My father, bless his heart, took on the responsibility of raising three daughters will all the gusto he would have given had we been males. We learned to pick up worms, fish, and hike in the forest. On one particular occasion we set up the tent, Mom built the fire, and Dad presented us with presents: water guns.
“Do you know what kind of gun this is?” Dad asked Rebecca.
“Uh-Uh” she gaped, already in love with the bright green piece of plastic.
“That’s a Ruger,” he explained as Mom watched, rolling her eyes.
“Wow, a Neuter,” Rebecca repeated with her endearing three year old lisp.
And so Rebecca took her ownership of a bright green plastic Ruger to new heights. She hid behind trees. She pointed her weapon and soaked the crotch of my pants while yelling, “Liz pee-peed, Liz pee-peed.” Actually, because of her lisp, it came out, “Wiz pee-peed, Wiz pee-peed.”
Finally, in a last act of violence, she took aim at Mom’s face and shot a stream of water forceful enough to detach a retina.
“REBECCA,” Mom shrieked, “Be a lady, put down the gun!”
But she didn’t put down the gun. She ran, but not before once again soaking my crotch and cackling something about “Wiz” and “pee pants.”
My sisters and I never learned to be ladies. We eat with our elbows on the table, burp, and wear cotton shirts without ironing them. We laugh whenever someone falls down or stubs their toe. We can quote John Wayne.
As I find myself raising my 7-month-old daughter, Jane, I realize being a lady probably isn’t destiny for our female family line. Jane cements this every time she grabs her feet, toots, and belly laughs at her own bodily functions. Sure, being a lady is a nice idea. They probably get farther in life, have more money and are never seen outside the home after forgetting to Nair their upper lips.
But I wouldn’t trade it. One day soon I’ll tell Jane, “Be a lady.” And then she’ll probably use a water gun to soak the crotch of my pants.
{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, she’ll at least be comfortable hanging out with the boys. And she’ll be the kind of gal to put them in their place besides. Probably by shooting them in the crotch with a water gun.
Then she’ll bat her eyelashes and skip away. Have fun raising your “little lady!”
Edd Fear recently posted..A blogging phenomenon
My miss 4 LOVES dresses, she will wear nothing else, even better if they are pink and accessorised with lots of jewellery and sparkles. And when I go to pick her up from day-care and she comes flying across the playground, dress in ruins, covered in paint, mud and god knows what else, screaming ‘mummy I punched a boy and made him cry but then I said sorry and now he wants to marry me’. I think ‘yep, that’s MY girl.’ Who said you can’t wear a tutu and still have attitude?
Jane recently posted..Perception
Love this.
Mercy recently posted..Peanut Butter Candy
Hahaha!! Thank you for the laugh Elizabeth.
I’m not much of a lady either. Ahem.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..10 Most Bizarre Products
hahahaha!!!!
I hear ya! The other day I cut a fart so heinous, it made my eyes water. It reached my husband, who threw a profanity fit – yelling and scolding me. I batted my eyes and said: That’s no way to speak to a lady!!
Hahaha…
cindafuckingrella recently posted..I Thought We Were Past This…
My dad had 3 girls (out of his 4 kids) and took us all camping and fishing and such. I’m a total tomboy. I’d LIKE to know how to do hair and make-up, and look awesome in spangly things. But it’s just not in the cards for me.
My daughter has the misfortune to be born to two gamer geeks, so she is doomed too. She loves to strut her stuff in a fluffy tutu and bangle bracelets. But she hates having her hair combed (so it’s a snarly rat’s nest,) and prefers pants on under her dresses. And uses eyeshadow and lip gloss as body paint.
And she thinks farts are hilarious.
Ludicrous Mama recently posted..Hey, Nice Package!
That was hilarious!
Victoria KP recently posted..Not Yet
Your dad did a good job : )
Life with Kaishon recently posted..feet
Being a lady – totally over rated! Being authentic – that’s where it’s at!
Mel recently posted..Down The Rabbit Hole
Funny!
Too effing funny! Thank you. I needed that on this rainy Vermont morning.
It’s always good to be able to handle yourself amongst the boys, which it sounds like you and your sisters were able to do. My oldest used to scratch (pet?) her crotch absentmindely while talking to me. It was infuriating b/c HELLO, I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU SCRATCH YOUR VAG IN MY FACE! WASH IT. But, I was reminded by my mother, as we looked at my girl sit, legs akimbo, nothing but underwear and cooch for all the passersby to see and not a care in the world, of how I used to run through the house yelling I poop! I poop on you! (with a poop filled diaper). We are such fucking ladies.
Arnebya recently posted..A Star in the Making
This post has me laughing loudly. Certainly, laughing loudly is not ladylike.
-MM
Marie recently posted..SLOW…DOWN
I have found that I become more ladylike with each passing decade, but I’m still game to climb trees, hike, crawl around on the floor whilst pretendng to be an animal, and play in he dirt. Sometimes my son joins me.
Erin recently posted..The Year in Sewing . . . and What’s Next
My 23 year old brother-in-law recently commented on the fact that our 6 week old niece farts. I reminded him that my son (now 18 months) did the same thing at that age and he responded, “Yeah, but she’s a *girl*.” I told him he better get over the notion that girls don’t fart. lol
Candice recently posted..In the Company of Men
I was a total tomboy as a child. Climbing trees, skinned knees and elbows all the time, making my own bows and arrows, and so on. I would not trade my childhood for anything!
Dina recently posted..My Best Ever Baby Gift
I love it. My three year likes to tell everyone she farted.
Seriously Sassy Mama recently posted..O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree
I still take great pride in being able to gas out my entire family, all males!
That is hilarious, and reminds me of myself.
God I love you!!!! hahahaha!
Great story! We are all about sticks and rocks in our house, she has no desire to be girly like I would like, but I am not too girly so I am not sure why I expect her to be.
Being a lady skipped my generation. I can’t do pony tails or anything fufu my daughter asks.
When I got married, I didn’t want to wear a dress. I would have been happy to wear jeans. My mother made me get a dress. I wanted to wear jeans at the reception, my husband said I needed to stay in the dress.
My daughter is a girly girl and I hope she continues to find her own and if she is told to put her gun down to be a lady, that would make me giggle.
Sounds like you have a wonderful childhood, just being you.
CrazyNutsMom recently posted..Savor Family Flavor
I guess it’s a good thing I’ve got all boys because I’ve never been mistaken for lady. I was a BIG tomboy growing up.
cute! You never know, she may grow up to be a lady! But until then, it’s fine. My mom never raised us to be ladies…or even girlie. And I think after years of not being girlie I am now…or I want to be, but I don’t know how to use a curling iron. Darn it!
S Club Mama recently posted..do you ever wonder?
Great post!
I was a tomboy who refused to wear dresses, could burp out the tune “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” and at age 12 insisted I would not get breasts. My 4-year old daughter is a pink clad, dress-loving, tiara-wearing, Barbie-toting tomboy in the making.
She’s her own version of tomboy, perhaps a better version than I was. She only wears dresses, insists on climbing trees and jumping in puddles, and has already taught herself how to burp on command. I did not teach her how, I swear it. It must be genetic….
And she adores boobs. She draws them on her princess and fairy pictures and recently commented on mine at the pool. “Mom, I like your boobies. They are so big and soft.” (I’m a 34B so I’ll take that kind of compliment where I can get it!)
So here’s to being unlady-like in whatever form it takes…even if you appear to be one on the outside.
i too grew up playing with worms, learning how to gut a fish, camped, burped, etc. hey, i was always very proud that i beat all my “boy” friends at burping contests. :)
we are who we are, why do we need to put up a front for others? who are they to judge us? true friends don’t judge, they love you for who you are.
i now have 3 sons, i will teach them to be individuals, don’t be someone you’re not, be truthful, respect others and love your family. that’s all i can ask for.
I love this! I too am a tomboy (farm girl to the core) & have only recently embraced pink as an option for my life. My little girl (3 months) has more pink in her wardrobe than a cotton candy factory could handle…most of it was gifted on me. She has an older brother (18 months) who loves nothing more than playing in the dirt, licking the floor & chewing on the dog. Both of them grin like crazy people when farting…
Nil17 recently posted..Hooking Up With Gym
I was just commenting on this with my business partner. Our business gears primarily to men and being raised in a family with 4 brothers, do NOT and did NOT offer up a lot of opportunities for me to be lady-like. I remember vividly saying I had to pee while playing outside as a young girl and being told (by my mother) that I was being crass! All the while my brothers could whip it out and pee wherever and whenever they wanted. Just didn’t seem quite fair to me! Thank the LORD up above I am the happy Momma of two BOYS!
Too funny, needed a laugh! I try to teach my daughter to be a lady, but she cracks up every time she (or anyone else for that matter) as we call it “roots and toots.” ESPECIALLY the bathtub toots!
I guess I have made my “ladylike” mark though when she chastises me for using a “mommy word!”
This is too funny. I never learned to be a lady either. My poor husband.
Oh good lord, if I wasn’t ready to brain myself with a two-by-four, I’d be dying laughing, because I’m currently trying to instill in my six-year-old Girl Child something that resembles manners.
It’s not working. She’s developed a nervous tic. If she’s talking to someone, she has to scratch her butt. Really, Child?
NOT ladylike.
Not Supermom recently posted..The Dog Child
Thank goodness there are other women out there like me. My daughters play outside in the dirt with their boas on, burying their babies with tonkas. I wouldn’t trade being “a lady” for my life. It’s a glorious, adventure
filled ride that my four kids and Husband are eager to go on with me!!!
What I want to know is how your mom got the boogers off the wall. I’ve got a kid who does that, and now your sister makes him seem more normal. Thank you.
Amanda recently posted..Monday Mojo – Finding Your Mojo
Coming from a family of 5 kids, 4 girls and one lonely boy, we tended to be more “boyish” much to my mothers dismay! I think theres nothing wrong with a girl being able to do what boys do, in fact its healthy and teaches them that they don’t have to get walked all over just for the sake of being a “lady” Stand up and be heard….even if its a burp unfortunately! When my girls get careers or stay at home to raise their children I hope the freedom I have given them to be who they are shines brightly!!
My Granny used to tell me that secret to being a lady in the face of adversity was simple…” Say excuse me after you punch them in the face.”
Good stuff — being a lady is so overrated!!
I grew up with 5 brothers, I’m an only girl, and was never very lady like. My 3 year old daughter has learned everything from me and can clear a room with one fart. My husband had no idea what he was in for.
I grew up a tomboy; fishing, camping, burping, etc. It was just me and my baby sister. She was the horse riding, frilly dress, girly one. Mother was constantly putting me in ruffled and frills, none of which lasted more than five minutes once I got within a mile of a tree, stream or mud.
When I had my kids, I played in the mud with them, swung from trees, taught them how to burp (oh yes I did), bought them catapults. Now, what I’d really like to know is how the hell I ended up with two out of my three girls being the pink and frilly kind? And why two out of my four boys seem to be afraid to venture more than 5ft from their xbox, never mind outside?
The only really unladylike thing I don’t like about myself is my cursing. Case in point….My 5yr old was being teased by his older brothers earlier today. He stormed upstairs yelling, “I’ve f***ing had it with you lot!” After I’d choked on my laughter, I gave him a bit of a ticking off :-/
I love Liz’s family stories! So glad your sisters let you tell them. Keep up the good *belch* work!
Awsome!! Love it ;)
I loved this! I don’t know what being lady like is. I am an only child, my mom was the only girl of 3 kids and my father was one of 3 boys. I spent my childhood at the dragstrip, and though I hated it I knew it was better than sitting up straight in a hard chair sipping tea and speaking so softly no one could hear me! I thankfully have a son and even though I want a daughter I would raise her the same. Do what’s fun for you and if it’s not something you should do around people, I’ll let you know.
Love this! My daughter is being raised with two boys, so she’s not very ladylike, either. During the first few weeks of kindergarten, she was pulled off the playground for holding on to the hands of another boy and swinging him around. She’s also the gassiest of our kids, so she can let loose some impressive burps and farts.
Recovering Supermom recently posted..NaBloPoMo Day 5: Homemade Gifts
I grew up as the only girl of 7, so being a “lady” is not a label usually affixed to me, much to my mother’s dismay! With three girls of my own now (and of the 14 grandkids, only two are boys!!) I’m attempting to teach them to be ladies, but when I have to hide my laughter when they fart it all goes out the window!
Hilarious story! My boys have progressed to burping the alphabet at each other!
My favorite words are “motherfucker” and “douche canoe” which I use daily. Clearly, I am not a lady. I guess that is why me and my sisters all had boys. Our family couldnt take any more…
I’m pretty sure that I never achieved ‘ladylike’ despite my mom’s best efforts! LOL
Ladies are boring and tact is for weenies. That’s what I always say anyway!
Cheryl recently posted..Movie Quote Monday #7 Holiday Edition: You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out!
Awesome! Not being quite the “lady” myself has served me well as the mother of two boys. I happily embrace all of the dirt, noises, chaos and adventure that is boyhood…don’t think I could have done it if I was a real princess….;)
So funny. Loved it.
Sometimes acting like a lady is way over-rated!
I could shoot a bow and arrow like a pro by the time I was five. Daddy taught me to skin the squirrels I shot when I was eight. I threw a certified, hissy fit when I found out girls aren’t allowed to play major league baseball. I’ve caught the daily limit of bream and catfish more than once. And, I learned that breaking your sister’s nose while practicing your TaeKwonDo moves is a bad, bad thing. My favorite movie quote is “Fill your hands, you son of bitch!” Ladylike? Maybe in my next life.
When Jane gets in trouble for fighting at school, just look at that picture of yourself with a black eye and be very proud. You’ll do a great job of raising a daughter who can kick butt and look good while doing it.
Love this story!