Ilana Wiles
Ilana Wiles is the blogger behind Mommy Shorts, a humor blog that aims to deliver parenting information similar to how Jon Stewart delivers the news. Or, at least, that's what someone told her once and she liked it. You can also find her on her facebook fanpage.
Latest posts by Ilana Wiles (see all)
- BEDTIME STALLING 101 (as taught by a two-year-old) - January 1, 2013
Bedtime Stalling is something every toddler should master by age two. If you use my personally-tested strategies, by the end of this post, you should be able to push your bedtime a full forty-five minutes. With a little practice, you’ll be eating midnight snacks, watching horrible skits on SNL and ordering Slankets off late night infomercials in no time.
LESSON ONE: MAKE CHANGING INTO YOUR PJS AS DIFFICULT AS POSSIBLE
Run around the house at full speed. If a parent catches you, go completely limp so that you weigh 1000 lbs. If mom or dad succeeds in getting your clothes off, do not let that deter you from making a quick getaway and running around fully naked.
LESSON TWO: A SUDDEN APPRECIATION FOR DINNER
This tactic is best carried out if you have a long established behavior of “not eating”. This way, when you show a sudden interest in nourishment at exactly the same time your parents start the bedtime process, they are genuinely torn between their desire to get you into bed and their fear that you might starve to death.
LESSON THREE: YOUR TEETH CAN NEVER BE TOO CLEAN
Brush your heart out. Ask for more toothpaste. Ask to use the Dora toothbrush and then change your mind and ask for the Thomas one. Run your brush under the water for an inordinate amount of time. Decide your teeth aren’t quite clean enough and start over. You get the idea.
LESSON FOUR: HIDE YOUR BLANKIE
Establish the need for as many security items as possible. I suggest a blankie, a stuffed animal and a sippy cup. About an hour before bedtime, hide these items around the house. Precious minutes will be awarded when your parents are forced to go on their nightly security item search, knowing full well there is no way you will go to bed without them.
LESSON FIVE: BOOK NEGOTIATION
When it comes to selecting books for bedtime stories, try standing frozen in front of your bookshelf, unable to make a decision. You can also attempt to renegotiate your allotted number of books. If your parent says you can have two, ask for three. If they say three, ask for four. The important thing is to never be satisfied. Lastly, pick the longest book possible or if you are feeling extra daring, pick the book with 100 “look and see” flaps. Those things take FOREVER.
LESSON SIX: ENGAGE & AMAZE
All day, your parents have been trying in vain to talk to you, to get you to smile for the camera, to count to ten, etc. but you have ignored them. Now is your time. Put on your most devoted smile. Conjure up every word in your vocabulary and try to start an actual conversation. Sing a song. Say “I love you”. Your goal is to make it as tough as possible for your parent to walk away.
LESSON SEVEN: THE LAST CHANCE HURRAH
If your parent picks you up to place you in your crib, your stalling minutes are numbered. You can try to make a break for it— arch your back, kick your legs, protest, etc. But the way I see it, you’ve got two options— lie down and accept the inevitable or scream their name as they walk out the door.
My suggestion is not to fight it. You’ve done excellent work and there’s always room for improvement tomorrow.
Sleep tight, class!
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
Crib? Was this phase supposed to end while they’re still in cribs? Cause my kids are older and they still fight bedtime tooth and nail every single night. It makes me crazy.
Nicole(Whole Strides) recently posted..Yawn. Why must children eat breakfast?
Do yours do the “I HAD A SHOWER FIRST LAST NIGHT” fight thing? Cause that makes me want to turn a fire hose on them.
Rebeccah recently posted..Stranger Danger and My Kids Were Unprepared
Oh my god, YES! Every time!!!!! What is with that? I cannot fathom why it matters so much who is first and who is second.
Nicole(Whole Strides) recently posted..Yawn. Why must children eat breakfast?
For real. I wish someone would insist I had to go have a nice hot bath every night. Sigh.
Rebeccah recently posted..Stranger Danger and My Kids Were Unprepared
I don’t try anymore. I used to put the kids to bed, wait a bit, and then ‘treat’ myself to a bath. Without fail, one of my kids(usually the older one) would come in claiming he couldn’t sleep and spends the whole time talking to me while I’m in my ‘relaxing’ bath. Not so relaxing…. Why even bother?
Nicole(Whole Strides) recently posted..Yawn. Why must children eat breakfast?
Excellent tips for the newbie staller. As they grow the need for advanced courses increase as they must be far more creative to outweigh the loss of cute and new milestone tricks to use.
Denise recently posted..I Made A Promise
Just wait until they get older. Then the deep theoretical questions start…”Momma, how are rainbows made?” or “Momma, what is 392 x 24?”…right at bedtime.
My 4 yr old has started this the past couple of nights. “What are tongues for?” two nights ago and “Why do we have blood?” last night. I guess it’s time to get some stories about the human body out of the library!
My 1.5 yr old isn’t fully into bedtime stalling yet, but I can see she’s heading that way.
My current favourite is “How do we get to Heaven?” She never asks my sister, the Pastor, these questions. No… it’s always Auntie, preferably well after she should be asleep.
Mine are still stalling. They are 9 and 11. They will probably be calling me at the nursing home 40 years from now to tell me that they are too hungry to go to bed.
Rebeccah recently posted..Stranger Danger and My Kids Were Unprepared
Excellent tips for the toddler set. I am always amazed at how they can defy all laws of nature and gain 100 pounds at will.
I think they may take lessons from the cat. 10lbs to 1000lbs as soon as you pick one up.
Lesson 2 has been taken to a whole new level at my house. Midnight snacking is now a want- or should I say 2 a.m. Snacking. Requests for apples, bananas, ice cream… Whatever her little brain can conjure up; and then my still asleep brain has to recall what was eaten during the day to see if she is really hungry or trying to BS a BSer… <>
So true. My two year old is a good student obviously. She religiously follow all 7 steps.
Mama and the City recently posted..How Old Is Too Old?
Oh my god! Do you stare in my window at night!? How do you know EXACTLY what my daughter does at bedtime? (I’ve hidden all the flap books)
I just went through this entire list …tonight. My daughter’s favorite thing in the world is to put on a show, right before we tuck her in. Haven’t heard “ABC” song in a while? Looking for a bold rendition of “Twinkle Twinkle”? She’s your lady.
Paige Kellerman recently posted..Date Night Magic: A Review
OMG!! LMAO!! these couldn’t be more correct!!
My daughter really capitalizes on the sudden interest in dinner. She has this certain cry routine where you would think she hasn’t eaten in days.
What gets me is when they do the quiet crying as you walk away. Guh. The key is to not make eye contact.
hilljean recently posted..Use Your Voice: Radiant Twitter Party
My hubby is upstairs watching one more episode of My Little Pony because our daughter has conned him with the I’m not tired bit. That’s the latest tactic if all the others on this list don’t work for her (except she fights brushing her teeth EVERY night for 10th minutes to stall).
I had to quit that one… too often found me asleep and the granddaughter channel surfing with the remote.
Why don’t you just tell them no?
I’m spitballing, but maybe because this is a humor piece and “My toddler tries to prolong bed time and I say ‘no’” is not remotely funny.
Not. Even. Close. To. Funny. Why don’t you tell them no? Because I prefer to spend every evening of the next five years being driven insane by a tiny little troll in a cute baby costume, that’s why.
My Half Assed Life recently posted..I work with Hugh Jackman
Ha! One of mine was double-jointed EVERYWHERE! When she went limp she had no armpits to pick her up by because her shoulders were double-jointed. Fine when she was tiny, but when she got heavy we were screwed. Because she was autistic the two-year-old phase of her life never ended. The other one stalled by deciding to get very thirsty at bedtime and drink a lot of water thereby needing to get back up and go pee a few times, for real. And every time she got up to pee she’d sneak past somehow and grab another glass of water. Did it for YEARS and peed all damn night long!!!
Andi: HA! Funny.
You forgot when they come into your room begging for more hugs and kisses. How do you say no to that!
The bedtime stories are insane. I started telling my daughter the truth. “Look munchkin that ones too long and mommy will asleep reading it.” Or even better and I know you all do this too. Read through really fast skipping words and don’t ask any thought-provoking questions… how terrible right but shes been quizzed on those books tons of times. Need some mommy time. Where’s my bedtime story “50 shades”? I totally got my husband to read a couple of pages to me one night. It was hysterical and he got lucky afterwards. Lol…
You do know none of this ends until they move out right? Well except for maybe the magically transforming into a 1000 pound toddler part.
All of the other stalls just take on new manifestations. Every single one of them carefully targeted at your “you are driving me insane” nerve.
My Half Assed Life recently posted..I work with Hugh Jackman
My 21 month old twin girls have mastered a number of these. I had no idea they could learn these things so early. Tonight, Thing 2 tried the “poopy” delay. But I won that one because it really only works if you’re actually wearing a poopy diaper.
Today I claimed that “Babies are jerks.” Thanks fr reminding me that toddlers are just jerks in bigger clothes.
Excellent, Ilana!
Ninja Mom recently posted..Lies and the lying moms who lie them
Mine is four and has recently added “I need the toilet” to his repertoire. It’s one of the few tactics he knows I probably won’t refuse and on the odd occasions I do he can punish me by waking me up at 2am demanding to go for a wee.
Arwen recently posted..Apparently, I’m Not a Real Mom According To This Hunger Games Star
My 2 year old knows this manual by heart! Why don’t you just tell them no?! As if. Honestly. They have us by the (for some of us metaphorical) balls.
Keesha recently posted..Feeling Great Naked
The Winnie the Pooh Anthology! We have that. We read that. Every. single. night. Good times, such good, good times…
Meredith recently posted..Giddy-Dancing In My Yoga Pants over at Scary Mommy
Get out of my house – seriously. Try this times four. Yeah, that’s what’s going on here. You captured this perfectly!!
Kathy at kissing the frog recently posted..7 Lessons My Family Has Already Taught Me This Year
god I hated that phase!
Vanessa recently posted..Otterbox Defender Series – Iphone 5 Case #Review #OtterKids
Ha! My three-year old is a master at this point. At this point, she is honing her skills on the even number ones.
MILF Runner recently posted..Product Review and Giveaway: Sports Bra!
I don’t have any kids of my own yet but the young ones ive babysat I never had issues getting them to bed. I found the trick is pure simple exhaustion.
A few hours before bed, I take them to the park or just outside in general and let them run and scream themselves to the point where they can barely move let alone stay awake. It’s amazing what 2 hours of hard playtime will do to a child’s seemingly endless internal battery. As soon as the head hits the pillow, they’re gone and I get all night in peaceful silence. It has never failed me yet. :D
I still remember being a kid and thinking I was so awesomely smart to chose a Richard Scary book at bedtime. Every.Single.Night.
Anna recently posted..Kids are funny.
Ohhhh, my oldest went through the Richard Scary book phase. Made me want to claw my own eyes out. I got wise with little brother and haven’t read those to him yet, but now they both want “Where’s Waldo”. It’s still entertaining to hear him squeal “I found (insert name here)!”
When they reach the inevitable bed stage, my kids suddenly feign the need to use the potty. They know that we secretly fear they will never be potty trained and will jump at the chance to work on the potty skillset. After swearing there’s a poop that is forthcoming, they put on a show similar to childbirth. It’s good for at least 15 minutes. Too bad mom and dad know what’s up, but can’t resist the chance to reinforce positive potty behavior.
Hilarious! Do all children have a secret “Bedtime Stalling” manual?
My kiddos pull the “I’m staaaaaaaaaaarving” routine every.single.night.
I’ve started offering a snack 20 minutes before and refusing the fridge raid panic.
HouseTalkN recently posted..12 Days of Findings…Take 12!
I generally find humor in most of the crazy-things-toddlers-do blogs, but not when they deal with letting the toddler win the power struggle. I try to be flexible with the kid and do all the fun engaging bedtime routines, but I am completely unwilling to be a slave to random whims. I’m not an anal retentive/OCD mom… We eat at wierd times, sometimes we do bath or not, sometimes we watch TV on a school night. However, bedtime is not a negotiation. I decide when it is, and all stalling does is cut down on the time you get to read, pow pow about your day, pick out an outfit, etc. After a few uncomfortable nights of going to bed fully dressed, with dirty teeth and unbrushed hair, not to mention missing TinkerMini. She learned that when mom says lights out at 8:30, that’s exactly what she means.
omg this was hilarious this is exactly how it goes down with my six year old
LMAO!!! Love this! My little man is 4 and is doing the whole scared of monsters thing. So I made up a cute monster spray (http://ourlifeinaction.wordpress.com/2013/01/22/diy-monster-spray/) which seems to work durning day light hours. He is now telling me that the monsters are moving out of the way so the spray doesn’t hit them….yet another stalling method. Lord help me. ;-)
Gabriella @ Our Life In Action recently posted..Nobody Nooooez……
Great post! my 4 year old has endless excusses to why he cant go to bed… my fav, “mommy i need to tell you something very important” so ill say ok, what is it? then i get “uhhh, uhhhh, ummmm, so, how… do, ummm trains stay on the track?” he’s obviously thinking up his ‘very important question’ as hes asking it!!!
My, almost, 2 year old loves bedtime books. But she never gets enough books to bed. If she got 5, then she looks for 3 or 4 more. Is like the neverending story, haha.
Omg! My 2.5 yr old son has mastered all of the lessons! He even invented an new one ! He goes to his all day working father and tells him that he misses him which first we thought is cute but then it jst turned out to be a way of stalling! As soon as hes out of the crib he doesnt give his father any attention
Yup, sums up my night. My DD is really good at the last one and the book negotiation. Now she has to ‘read’ each story first (she is only two so reading consists of describing everything on the page that she knows the name to) or she chooses the longest books on her shelf (I keep forgetting to ‘lose’ them).
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