After a party, my daughter was begging me to let her new friend spend the night. I was beyond exhausted, but also, truth be told, I’d had enough of her new friend. I told my daughter tonight was not a good night and we needed to plan something at a later time. This was my way of saying, “I just can’t.”
Things happen to moms and dads throughout our days that leave us limp and wanting to cry in the corner. I just can’t deal with being a mom sometimes. I just can’t even. I just fucking will not. Some of those situations are things like these:
1. The baby has a blowout in public.
Am I am out of diapers? I can’t be out of diapers. I could have sworn I put some in the diaper bag. No, I am right — I did. The thing is, said diaper bag is sitting by the door, at home.
2. No turnabout is standard with kids.
I constantly do a bunch of nice things for my kids, but then they are jerks when I need to do something. Seriously? I just took you to the movies and then out for ridiculously bad fast food, and now you are going to be an asshole because I need to go to the bank? Pull it together.
3. “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose votes.”
Donald Trump. I especially can’t deal with that. Fuck you, Trump. Fuck you.
4. The child gets sick on date night.
I look forward to a date night all week and finally find a dress that makes me feel fab. I bubble with excitement because my husband and I have not had a date in six months. I make the mistake of asking my daughter how I look as I pull her on my lap. Suddenly, I am wearing more puke than dress — no, no, no.
5. Rude comments on the internet.
Look, I don’t get a lot of free time to fuck around on Facebook, so when I can grab a minute to scroll randomly around, I do not want to have to deal with your shit, Captain Asshat. Clearly, you have too much time on your hands, so you can meet me at the corner of “I don’t” and “Give a fuck.”
6. Nobody eats your delicious homemade dinner.
I made pasta that is somehow too buttery for my son. I start to question if he is even my child. Nobody in this family talks that way. Who are you, and why are you in my house?
7. People have no respect for grocery store etiquette.
Why do people stand there chatting with the clerk while there is a mile-long line behind them? My kids are about to lose their shit and throw their Ring Pops in someone’s hair. Let’s move it along, sister.
8. Quiet time is a fantasy that I don’t even get a chance to daydream about.
I finally doze off during nap time and the baby wakes up, or even worse, my 8-year-old breaks out his recorder. Can’t a mama get a break?
9. My son decides he really needs to learn how to tie his shoes just as we’re walking out the door.
He has been fighting me on this for, like, I don’t know, two fucking years! The day I am late for an important Mommy playdate, he decides today is the the day when he is really ready to learn this shit.
10. We’re caught in traffic, and my child just announced he has to crap.
Let’s face it, kids have a really, really hard time holding their poop when they have to go, and an even harder time being quiet about the fact they are about to drop a deuce in the backseat.
11. Questions. All. The. Questions.
Please, someone, help me. I am good until about 3 p.m., but then this thesaurus is closed.
12. I have PMS, and you are crunching chips.
Please stop. That sound — just stop, or I might stab you with a fork.
13. Wardrobe malfunctions.
Sometimes I’m getting ready to go out, and my favorite jeans are like, Nope, not tonight bitch! This is going to get really dramatic really fast.
14. Interruptions are my life.
If I am speaking and my kids start talking as if I am not already in mid-sentence, they are going to hear some scary stuff.
15. Did I mention how much I hate the grocery store?
I’m trying to get through the grocery store while my kids are being assholes. I’m just gonna leave my cart right here and get my little loves out of this place before shit gets real in aisle six.
16. Other parents not parenting.
It’s not okay if your child is being a dick to me or to my child and you don’t say a word. If you are too tired to parent, I understand. I will help you out.
17. Completing a telephone call successfully is a thing of fairy tales.
Anytime I’m on an important call, suddenly all my kids are doing all the bad things. They haven’t yet figured out how to run around and slap each other with dish towels quietly.
18. My favorite song is on, but my kids won’t shut up so I can hear it.
One song, that’s all I’m asking. Kids, just give me one song. Let me drift back to my college years when I danced on tables with two drinks in my hands. Just let me have this!
19. I just cleaned. Does anyone care or appreciate that? Ha.
I seriously just cleaned this bathroom and my kids painted the toilet seat with their pee. You might as well have them call you Cinderfuckingrella.
20. My child has a friend over, and they are rude.
No, you can’t jump on the sofa and throw things at our dog. Welcome to my house.
21. The store is out of my favorite guilty pleasure.
I’ve been looking forward to said item all damn week, and it’s sold out. I try not to fall apart as I stand in the aisle with my mouth agape, wondering how I will make it through the rest of the day.
22. I am being ignored. Hello? Is anyone out there? Is this thing on?
I ask a question, but nobody answers me. This is when I pull out my deep, scary voice and make sure everyone hears me. I have been told my eyes turn red when this happens.
23. Any time of the day before I have had coffee.
Shhh, don’t talk to me. Trust me, this is for your benefit as much as mine. Just don’t speak.
24. My husband is going to be late.
The end is coming. Can’t go on.
Parents have lots of moments when we feel like we just can’t, but we do because we are amazing, we love our families, and we are tough. Sometimes we handle the crunching, the pee, the rude people, and our kids acting like assholes like a boss. And sometimes we just can’t even. It’s called being human, and I’m pretty sure it’s the reason alcohol was invented.