Being Large

331 Comments

People say horrible things about me on this site. They tell me that I’m stupid, that I’m a terrible parent, that I’m a horrible wife. They tell me that I’m undeserving, shallow and going to hell. They tell me that this is the lamest blog they have ever read and that I should just shut off the computer and disappear forever.

Yes, truly, people tell me that.

But, none of it really phases me (ok, most of it doesn’t phase me.) I know that I’m a good parent, that I’m a good wife and a good person and those people don’t know me at all. Thankfully, I have a really good ability to let the negative stuff roll off me. Except, when the insults are about my appearance. Because that’s the one thing I have doubts about, myself.

When Target approached me with the idea for the Target Fashion Experiment, I was beyond flattered. Freaking Target!

But, the more I read, the more nervous I got. I was basically going to be a paper doll for a month. A real, live Barbie doll who people get to play dress up with. Me, the size 12 with the flabby belly and the upper arms that have never seen the light of day. Um, me?

We were steps away from signing the contract when the PR company asked for my measurements. We’d never talked about it before and my heart dropped: This was it. My weight was actually going to stand in the way of the most exciting opportunity I’d ever received. I felt sick to my stomach. I waited until the latest minute possible and sent off the measurements, along with a note saying I hoped they weren’t looking for a size four. I maniacally waited for the response, hardly breathing. “No, we aren’t looking for a four,” they said. “These are perfect.”

And… exhale.

When I arrived at the shoot, I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief as I perused the racks of sizes ranging from 10-14. There were some things that looked absolutely horrible on me, but lots that I did feel comfortable in. I was even able to see the humor when, with no size-large belt in sight, the stylist cut the too-small size across the back and held it together with masking tape. This was going to be OK. I could do this.

Until the confession came last Saturday. The only confession that has left me feeling like I was kicked in the stomach.

“I had no idea Scary Mommy was so large.”

Ouch.

Jeff tried to convince me that whoever the person was, meant it in like, a Wow! She’s big! Successful! Look at this opportunity, kind of way.

Nice try, my love.

But, it’s true. I’m not a size four or six or even an eight. I have lopsided boobs and a flabby belly and a wide back and I really need to lose 15 pounds to be comfortable with myself again. I’m not a model, and I never will be. But, I am a real, live person. I’m a mother and a wife and a blogger and that’s why Target chose me.

And, that’s why this campaign is so awesome.

(Now, I just need to convince myself of it.)

Comments

The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. 1

    Jenn @ South of Sheridan says

    um . . . whoever said you were big is out of their mind.

    When I saw you at BBC Philly, I wouldn’t have said you were even a size 12. You are gorgeous.

    And congrats on such an amazing campaign. And for giving me the idea to duct tape my belts in the back so they fit better . . .

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    • 4

      Amanda vd Westhuizen says

      Jen
      You are comment 1 of 263 which gives one an idea of how many people agree with you and with whole idea that one has to be small to be OK.
      Media is teaching women to be out of their minds – we all think we should be size 10 to be normal.

      Ok, I’ll stop ranting and raving now. ;-)

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  2. 10

    Roni Sokol says

    Bravo to you, Jill! Thank you for your honesty! Anyone who insults you needs to look in the mirror and deal with their own problems. I think you’re fantastic!!

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    • 12

      Jaden says

      I was thinking the exact same thing!! Work those legs lady, I wish mine looked like that :) Don’t let one rude, insecure person’s comment get to you. I echo everyone else here, you’re gorgeous and fab and I LOVE this campaign!

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  3. 14

    Adventures In Babywearing says

    I have tears stinging my eyes for you. I thought you looked gorgeous in that video and all your photos. I am also a 12. I can’t imaging people calling that large. Yes, I hate the flab but I *can* look and feel good in this (very long) in between stage for now. Thank you for being real.

    Steph

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    • 15

      Scary Mommy says

      I remember seeing you at BlogHer and thinking how petite and adorable you were and that I’d love to look like you. We women are so weird.

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  4. 16

    Em Dee says

    I remember reading that very comment, and hoped that it wouldn’t upset you hon. You are beautiful and real, don’t let words or labels hurt you!

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  5. 18

    MamaBennie says

    You are awesome. Size is just a physical number, it does not define you as a person. I am a size 7 with a 26″ inseam….all that means about me is it is really fucking hard to find pants and nothing more. Short jokes are never in short supply, but I have told myself that those people are assholes, and their flaws will be exposed as well. The people who bring up things about others better live in Plexiglas houses, because they throw an awful lot of stones.

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  6. 19

    Not Winning Mom if the Year says

    You are awesome, you are Scary Mommy. Forget what other jack holes have to say, they are not connecting with tons of people on a daily basis, who are listening to everything you have to say. Enjoy this, it looks like fun.

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  7. 20

    Not a Perfect Mom says

    Jill, Target picked you because you do represent most of what us mommies to young (and not so young) children look like…you are real, we are real, and that’s why we’re all so excited to see what you’re wearing this month…because if it’s looking good on you, then we know it will probably look good on us…
    And for the record, I’m muffin topping out of my size 14s….

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  8. 21

    Jenny says

    People can be so evil… especially when they are jealous, which is exactly what those hurling insults at you are. You are BRAVE, smart, and successful. I admire you, and I think you are a beautiful woman.

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  9. 22

    priscilla - the wheelchairmommy says

    You’re beautiful! Inside & out. I think it is just wonderful that you have been given this oppurtunity. I can’t think of another blogger that deserves it more. ((HUG))

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  10. 23

    Yakini says

    Jill, you look AMAZING. You’re a real woman, and I think that’s what make’s this campaign so great and special. I am so happy you were chosen to represent us women out here! :-) Have fun!!!

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  11. 24

    dysfunctional mom says

    What’s sad about this to me, besides that your feelings were hurt, is that anyone considers a size 12 ‘large’. Model figures are not realistic; they are twigs. Normal, real women, and especially mothers, are not stick figures. We are real, we have curves, and you totally rock them!

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  12. 25

    Stephanie says

    I am a 5 foot 8 inch, size 12 surrounded by 5 foot 6-8 inch, size 6 friends. My self esteem takes a nosedive every time I am around them. Not through any fault of theirs but how I feel about myself. It would suck to have someone say a fairly thoughtless thing like that to me, whether it was meant spitefully or not.

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  13. 26

    Amanda says

    Oh my god, you’re gorgeous! I would totally love to have your bod, no kidding. When I watched the Target video, I thought, “I had no idea Scary Mommy was so beautiful.” I can’t even believe somebody would perceive you that way. You have absolutely NO reason to feel bad about this comment. It’s total stupidity.

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