Being Large


People say horrible things about me on this site. They tell me that I’m stupid, that I’m a terrible parent, that I’m a horrible wife. They tell me that I’m undeserving, shallow and going to hell. They tell me that this is the lamest blog they have ever read and that I should just shut off the computer and disappear forever.

Yes, truly, people tell me that.

But, none of it really fazes me (ok, most of it doesn’t faze me.) I know that I’m a good parent, that I’m a good wife and a good person and those people don’t know me at all. Thankfully, I have a really good ability to let the negative stuff roll off me. Except, when the insults are about my appearance. Because that’s the one thing I have doubts about, myself.

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When Target approached me with the idea for the Target Fashion Experiment, I was beyond flattered. Freaking Target!

But, the more I read, the more nervous I got. I was basically going to be a paper doll for a month. A real, live Barbie doll who people get to play dress up with. Me, the size 12 with the flabby belly and the upper arms that have never seen the light of day. Um, me?

We were steps away from signing the contract when the PR company asked for my measurements. We’d never talked about it before and my heart dropped: This was it. My weight was actually going to stand in the way of the most exciting opportunity I’d ever received. I felt sick to my stomach. I waited until the latest minute possible and sent off the measurements, along with a note saying I hoped they weren’t looking for a size four. I maniacally waited for the response, hardly breathing. “No, we aren’t looking for a four,” they said. “These are perfect.”

And… exhale.

When I arrived at the shoot, I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief as I perused the racks of sizes ranging from 10-14. There were some things that looked absolutely horrible on me, but lots that I did feel comfortable in. I was even able to see the humor when, with no size-large belt in sight, the stylist cut the too-small size across the back and held it together with masking tape. This was going to be OK. I could do this.

Until the confession came last Saturday. The only confession that has left me feeling like I was kicked in the stomach.

“I had no idea Scary Mommy was so large.”


Jeff tried to convince me that whoever the person was, meant it in like, a Wow! She’s big! Successful! Look at this opportunity, kind of way.

Nice try, my love.

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But, it’s true. I’m not a size four or six or even an eight. I have lopsided boobs and a flabby belly and a wide back and I really need to lose 15 pounds to be comfortable with myself again. I’m not a model, and I never will be. But, I am a real, live person. I’m a mother and a wife and a blogger and that’s why Target chose me.

And, that’s why this campaign is so awesome.

(Now, I just need to convince myself of it.)


The Scary Mommy Community is built on support. If your comment doesn't add to the conversation in a positive or constructive way, please rethink submitting it. Basically? Don't be a dick, please.

  1. Jenn @ South of Sheridan says

    um . . . whoever said you were big is out of their mind.

    When I saw you at BBC Philly, I wouldn’t have said you were even a size 12. You are gorgeous.

    And congrats on such an amazing campaign. And for giving me the idea to duct tape my belts in the back so they fit better . . .

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    • Amanda vd Westhuizen says

      You are comment 1 of 263 which gives one an idea of how many people agree with you and with whole idea that one has to be small to be OK.
      Media is teaching women to be out of their minds – we all think we should be size 10 to be normal.

      Ok, I’ll stop ranting and raving now. ;-)

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  2. Roni Sokol says

    Bravo to you, Jill! Thank you for your honesty! Anyone who insults you needs to look in the mirror and deal with their own problems. I think you’re fantastic!!

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    • Jaden says

      I was thinking the exact same thing!! Work those legs lady, I wish mine looked like that :) Don’t let one rude, insecure person’s comment get to you. I echo everyone else here, you’re gorgeous and fab and I LOVE this campaign!

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  3. Adventures In Babywearing says

    I have tears stinging my eyes for you. I thought you looked gorgeous in that video and all your photos. I am also a 12. I can’t imaging people calling that large. Yes, I hate the flab but I *can* look and feel good in this (very long) in between stage for now. Thank you for being real.


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    • Scary Mommy says

      I remember seeing you at BlogHer and thinking how petite and adorable you were and that I’d love to look like you. We women are so weird.

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  4. Em Dee says

    I remember reading that very comment, and hoped that it wouldn’t upset you hon. You are beautiful and real, don’t let words or labels hurt you!

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