We’ve added another (and final) addition to our already big-ass family since this post was first published.
I thought I’d heard all the questions and curiosities people have about our larger-than-average family.
I was wrong. It seems that questions and curiosities about our big family are infinite.
Here are a few more doozies I’ve heard since baby number seven joined us and how I’d like to have answered them, if I were less of a lady.
1. ‘Was this last one an accident?’
No, very ballsy stranger, but I’m going to show some restraint and hope that your question is an accident. You don’t know how close you are to me accidentally (on purpose) kicking you in the taint which is the area just behind where your evidently huge balls are located.
2. ‘How do you even have time for sex?’
Well—and this is just between us, okay?—every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, we have pizza and movie night. What we do, see, is sprinkle a little pulverized “Benadryl” on top of the pizza and have them watch a historical documentary until they drift off to sleep. Then we gets it on ‘til the break of dawn, y’all!
3. ‘How do you afford to feed them all?’
“Feeding” is subjective, really. Usually, they draw numbers out of my husband’s “Breathe If You’re Horny” trucker hat. It seems to be a pretty fair way to determine who gets a hot meal that night. Sometimes, we jazz things up a little bit and have a fun Hunger Games-like contest in the backyard. We go all out, too—flaming arrows, a scythe, spiked morning stars and shit. I mean, it’s fun for me and my husband.
The kids hate it. But they do like to eat, so they push through. Even the losers are fed though. It’s just bread, a spoonful of ketchup, and water, but still. It really helps them learn to strategize, you know? Like, just how badly do you want a taco, kid? Get your head in the game next time! Anyway, that’s how we do it. In our big family, survival of the fittest is legit.
4. ‘Have you ever forgotten one of them anywhere?’
I mean, yeah, duh. But what parent hasn’t? That’s why we have them microchipped. We usually have them back within 24 to 72 hours. It’s always worked out all right. So far.
5. ‘Trying to keep up with the Duggars?’
No. Gross. Fuck off.
6. ‘Aren’t you afraid that, statistically, one of them is going to be gay?’
I am more afraid (sad, really) of my kids sharing a world where bigots feel comfortable being bigots. Please do not assume I share your intolerance. You should go see a gay man about fixing your haircut, by the way.
7. And this one is my all time favorites: ‘Whoa! Your vagina must be ruined!’
Oh hey, listen to you being a presumptuous savage. I’ll go ahead and assume you’re referencing the saying that compares sex with a woman who’s shot several sex trophies out of her birth tunnel to “throwing a hotdog down a hallway.” Since you’re gutsy enough to say this to my face, I’m gonna tell you what’s up: All of my kids have been delivered via C-section, meaning my honeypot is pristine and splendid. Have you ever heard the saying, “I love the sound you make when you shut the fuck up?” Well, I just referenced that. May your next prostate exam be conducted by Wolverine.
Look, I get it. Big-ass families are not the norm. I have no problem answering questions when they are respectful and being asked out of curiosity. It’s when people toss in disdain here and judgment there that it crosses a line.
People may choose to have one kid, twenty kids, or no kids at all, and it’s never going to be anyone’s business but their own.
And while it may take a village to raise a child, if you ask any of the questions listed above, we’ll know that somewhere a village is missing its idiot.