Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- Dear Judgy Mothers on My Website… - June 15, 2013
- 10 Skills Every Mother Should Possess - June 10, 2013
- Perfection (Or pretty close) - June 3, 2013
My husband is brilliant. He cruised through school with straight A’s and for years would lie about his age at work, out of fear that people would hate him for having accomplished so much at such a young age. He has a photographic memory and never ceases to amaze me with the insane wealth of information in his head. He is really, seriously, freakishly smart.
So, why is it that he can be such a fucking moron?
Jeff is totally unable to grasp the concept of the DVR. I’m not talking abut setting a recording– that’s way out of his league. I mean simply the very notion of recording and playing back a program. He constantly bombards me with questions of “how” and “what if?” He doesn’t understand why he cannot simply rewind any given program at any time, without setting a recording. If we are watching a live show, he asks if we can fast forward. I have spent countless hours trying to teach him, but we’ve given up and I now retain sole power over the machine. It’s baffling.
I wish I could say that this is where this behavior ends, but it’s only the beginning. Jeff is absolutely clueless when it comes to how anything operates in our house. He has no idea where a single thing goes in the kitchen, although we have lived in this house now for a year and a half. I was making grilled cheese for the kids yesterday and asked him to grab me a pan. I was presented with a pie dish. Really, Jeff? How would this work, exactly? The laundry machine is really nothing to be afraid of and you do need to add detergent before running it. The circuit breaker? It’s in the basement, honey. You get the point.
He once equated his obliviousness at home to my lack of understanding how things work in his office. He didn’t seem to agree that the two scenarios are entirely different, given that he lives here and I have been to his office exactly twice.
But, he did snag us tickets to the inauguration. At least he’s good for something.
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh take me with you!!!!!!!!
Men. They don’t know anything. They can never find anything because they don’t MOVE things around to find it. Never fails, when a woman goes to look for the exact same thing in the exact same spot, she’ll find it in under 30 seconds.
The man is still looking two days later.
I believe it’s in their genes.
except for the inaguration and the washing machine, you could be talking about my hubby…and when i read your blog to him, he smiled and that told me he saw himself in jeff. plus, daniel totally laughed and said, “dad, that’s YOU!”
Having a photographic memory can be a curse at times to! I know! I sailed right thru school and college! blah! And I memorize EVERYTHING! It seriously does suck but donkey butt! And yes even I have trouble with the simple things! lol
Inauguration?? Totally worth putting up with DVR inabilities… Pie pan vs. frying pan??? Hmmmm… that’s hilarious.
Uh, your husband may be more brilliant that you think…
Don’t know where the circuit breaker is? “Oh here, Jeff, I’ll show you.”
Don’t know how to tell a pan from a pie dish? “Oh, don’t worry honey. I’ll get it.”
Don’t know how to work the laundry machine? “well, I guess I’ll have to do it you lazy bastard!”
In every scenario above, who ends up doing the work? Uh-huh, YOU.
Texan Papa clued me into this early on in the relationship. He told me he was imparting some “very top secret man-ipulatives.” Get it? Now, don’t take any excuses any more!!!
So funny! I think most men are completely clueless when it comes to where stuff is in the home but I don’t get the DVR thing at all! I love when really smart people act like morons … it makes me feel better! My husband is the much smarter one at our house, and I LOVE having any opportunity to show him up. (Doesn’t happen much though).
By the way, I am running a giveaway over at my blog if you are interested. The prize is a $20 Target gift card!
Okay that’s hilarious. I have the opposite Mr. Genius who as a techie has wired our house up so crazily I don’t know how to work anything anymore. Men.
Ah, the whole book smart thing is so sexy… until your favorite shows get erased from the DVR, your best clothes get ruined by bleach and something left in the oven burns your house down.
Inaugural tickets!!! OMG…that is so cool and chic. Now we’ve just got to be in on the outfit planning!
This was very well written. I enjoyed reading it. Very funny.
I have that same dude in my house. Useless
***But, he did snag us tickets to the inauguration. At least he’s good for something.
***
that’s RIGHT :)
Ooh tickets! Exciting!
My husband has that damn photographic memory. He drives me INSANE with it!!
However, he CAN fix anything around the house. I guess I’ll keep him.
I have an uncle like that, and now a son. Vague, weird creatures. Will spend hours wondering what happened in the first zillionth of a second after the big bang, while the house burns down around them.
I honestly don’t envy many people but those tickets…those golden tickets…I envy you! Have a wonderful time and tell him Ronda says hello!
Hey, don’t get me started on my Hubby right now….
I think its something on in the male genes. It just can’t be understood.
oohhhh i iz jealous!! your husband sounds like my sisters ex. i swear he was a blonde in a former life!
I think Jeff just acts dumb at home so you will do everything. He just doesn’t like to get his pretty hands dirty :-) Eric does the same thing…he can re-build the entire house, but for some reason can not figure out the DVR either.
sorry Jeff…..
Oh you are hysterical!!!!!!!!!!! A pie dish instead of a pan- hahahahahaha.
Oh my word. Are we married to the same man? Because they sound identical even though I never signed up for the two wife package.
hmmm, he is either pretending to be an idiot or he actually is, either way, he will not change…you however should just give him a swift smack across the head when it toomuch to handle, this will either jolt his brain and/or give you some stress relief and giggles!
As always, your post is leaving me laughing out loud over here!
Oh my God. we have to have the same useless-in-the-kitchen hubbies. There have been a couple times when I asked my hubby to grab me a pan, a bowl or whatever and I get nothing closely remsembling that. I could never understand how they know exactly what to do at work (which is harder) and clueless when it comes to getting a bowl out. I honestly think it’s because at home they are simply not listening, brain is off.
OMG – I almost wet myself- I think your hubs and mine are long lost brothers!! I always tell my hubbie that he is too smart for his own goo d- and HOW did he ever get to the ripe old age of 36 without ME!!!!!!!! We have lived her for 8 years and he STILL doesn’t know where we keep toliet paper!!!!!!!! I keep telling him to stop using my brain!!
Selectively stupid, like selective hearing comes with the territory.
just wait a few more years – he’ll need a GPS to find the remote.
You are Harsh! But sounds like you do have a point. I learned early from time on my own that if I want anything done around the house I have to do it. Has he always had someone to do things for him?
Have fun at the Inaguration!
You lucky duck – can’t wait for the inauguration and to hear all about it from a first hand account.
My quite smart husband is also the quite smart techno-idiot.
I’m a little bummed that we’re missing out on the Inauguration festivities next month…Disneyworld beckons instead.
TICKETS!!! Jeff is THE MAN!!!
Yeah I have to agree. I think he is playing dumb. Way to go on the tickets Jeff. You are da man!
I’m so jealous! My mom is going, my dad is going and neither have offered to take me. They don’t have tickets though and that makes me feel better somehow.
First let me address this…you lucky wench for getting tickets!! THAT would forgive many sins in my book..at least for a couple of months. Now, lets address your hubby as I have stories also..I am married to a chemical engineer who has gotten his name on no less than two patents this year alone. He knows how to fix EVERYTHING in the house..and I mean everything. His issue is with s p e a k i n g and c o m m u n i c a t i on.
He honestly feels there is NO need for communication and it’s all rather silly. Thus, he has trouble ordering a pizza, stands at the grocery store starring at the vanilla extracts trying to decide which one to get…(looking at the price per unit, recounting all he has heard about real extracts vs. imitations, etc) While doing crossword puzzles in the evening he hears absolutely nothing. So, okay, I’ll forgive him the crossword puzzles since I recently saw a piece on PBS about all the crossword puzzle freaks (including Clinton) but come on…ordering a pizza? The man fabs all kinds of serious stuff where he works, creates processes out of thin air (his brain) and is also freakishly smart..ask him about his day and he will talk. NOT that I know what he’s talking about…So Jill, I feel your pain. And congrats on the tickets you lucky duck! With gratitude, Laurie B. (Grams) two more days and I get to see my new grandaughter!! Awwh shucks…
I am SHOCKED! Men are supposed to excel at this kind of geekery.
However, I must admit I am equally shocked that as my own former AV geek husband has gotten older, he has forgotten how to operate most electronic things.
This includes his cell phone. Sigh.
I am so seriously jealous that you are going to the inauguration! That makes up for any lack of common sense that your husband may have. :)
What is it with men?
Shane tried to “help” the other morning while we were running late… he said he’d pack the girls’ lunches. He packed them each enough food to feed a grown man! Hello, they won’t eat all that… they end up throwing half of it away!
I’ve had the same conversation about where things go in the kitchen… we were both unloading the dishwasher and he asked where something went… I just looked at him. Dude, we’ve lived here for 5 years now, you don’t know where the spatula goes??!?!?!! Are you kidding me??!?!?!!?
I used to feel sorry for my girls… if anything were to happen to me (God forbid) he would be so lost, he’d have no idea what to do. But then I realized he’d just have his mom move in and she’d take over.
Oh, and he tried to “help” me wrap presents the other night. You should have seen the amount of wrapping paper he wasted! I finally kicked him out of the room…
I find it absolutely amazing that the smarter you are, the dumber you actually are. I have a few in my family, too. *sigh*
Ya know, Bill Cosby did a whole bit about this very subject. After having botched everything his wife told him to do, and feeding the children chocolate cake for breakfast because it had “wheat and milk and eggs” in it, she sent him to his room, which is where he wanted to be to begin with … and he ends with, “So you see, we are dumb, but we are not so dumb.”
Yep! He has your number! I do the same thing on “construction” projects. I get them started (like knocking down a wall in my old house) and not pretending not to know how to finish it. Works E.V.E.R.Y.T.I.M.E.
MEN – I swear they are all the same…some just have more money. Well, that is what my mother told me.
That’s pretty funny…
My husband loved this piece and now lives in fear that I’ll begin posting about his “challenges” like his physical inability to close cabinets and drawers, his confusion about how long it takes to do anything (“It should only take me about an hour to drive to the city in the snow and get back home,” mind you we live a good 2hours from the city even in good weather)or his misunderstanding of what it means to watch the children- that you actually have to know where they are and what they are doing.
Wait…hold up…YOU are going to the INAUGURATION!!! I am offically jealous of you now…your hubby could do everything wrong and that right there makes up for it all….did I mention how jealous I am?? Do you want to take me instead? I promise I would hand you a pan if you asked for one… not a pie plate! :)
That is just too funny. He sounds a lot like me with the stupid DVR. I am forever asking my husband questions about it. Not because I don’t really understand the concept, but because it never seems to work the way that I think it should. Just when I think I have got a handle on it’s operation, it does something weird. This leads to all sorts of discussion that leads us back to realizing that there is not anything wrong with me, there is something wrong with the DVR :)
Sounds like my hubby to an extent…but…has he ever been diagnosed with Asperger’s ? Sounds a lot like it!