Shameless

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I’ve long acknowledged that having children was the end of any sense of modesty for me. Shitting on the delivery table? Yup, that put the kabbash on that.

Writing a book, however, brought me to a whole new level.

I am now completely and utterly shameless. This, my friends, is how I now spend my days…

How I wish I were kidding.

In the last couple weeks, I’ve begun accosting innocent strangers who shall now associate Barnes and Noble with crazy ladies. I’ve made it a habit to visit at least one bookstore a day, so I can rearrange the store displays. I sneak in Sharpies to sign copies which I haven’t been asked to sign. I shove the book in people’s faces so they have no choice but to see it.

I’ve officially gone crazy.

So, please… just buy the book.

Don’t make me come and find you.

Confessions of a Scary Mommy Launch Party!

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303PortDiscovery_ScarryMommy125PortDiscovery_ScarryMommy 168PortDiscovery_ScarryMommy 222PortDiscovery_ScarryMommy 339PortDiscovery_ScarryMommy photo 089PortDiscovery_ScarryMommy
299PortDiscovery_ScarryMommy 321PortDiscovery_ScarryMommy Scary Mommy Cupcakes 101PortDiscovery_ScarryMommy 131PortDiscovery_ScarryMommy 152PortDiscovery_ScarryMommy

Huge thank you’s to Yogolaada, ZoeMaternity.com, Joe Squared, Charm City Cupcakes, Certifikid, Charm City Kid’s Club, TheBump, Naughty Betty and Breathe Books for their wonderful contributions to my Baltimore launch party at Port Discovery. All pictures courtesy of Evelyn Alas Photography.

 

Book Tour Failure

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I was so focused on not flashing my Spanx on the Today Show and all of the other events during the day, that I completely neglected to promote that I had a reading at Barnes and Noble at 7PM.

At all.

We arrived at 6:45 and the room was empty. Like, completely empty. Literally. When I peeked out at 6:55, there were exactly two people in the crowd. They were in their eighties, had no idea who I was and were obviously just looking for a quiet place to sit. See?

Way to go, Jill!

Fortunately, a few other people trickled in and I wasn’t stuck solely talking to grandparents not belonging to me. But reading to an enormous room filled with ten people was a pretty humbling experience, and not one I’d like to repeat. Ever. So, come see me when I’m in your town, ok?

I’ll be sure to tell you about it this time.

Today… on Today

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What a day!!! I’m writing this from the hotel where I have exactly one hour of downtime, but wanted to share some pictures and videos from Today…

First up, the clip from my interview with Ann Curry and Huffington Post’s Lisa Belkin.

Next up, my interview with Kathie Lee Gifford and Billy Ray Cyrus, who thinks that my name is cool. In return, I kind of called his daughter a slut. And then I pissed off Kathie Lee. Double whoops!

But, he did take a book home with him to share with his kids. My job is done.


And, no, my hair doesn’t always look like this. The folks at Ouidad not only threw me an amazing launch party, but they also did my hair. And have secured a place in my heart forever.

Just a day in the life of a mother of three, huh?

Thank You

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It’s here! Today is the day that Confessions of a Scary Mommy finally goes on sale. Thank God.

But, I’m not asking you to buy the book today. I’m not asking that you “like” this post or tweet it or Pin it or share it in any way. You’ve done that already, more than I ever could have expected.

Today, I want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. because without you, this book would never exist.

I never wanted to be a writer. It was never my life’s goal to publish a book or go on tour promoting it. The fact that my little online baby book has led here still has me pinching myself and shaking my head. I’m not entirely sure it’s all real.

My very first blog post was almost an apology. An apology for asking my friends and family to follow along, once again, while I embarked on my next big thing.

Up until my blog, I was known for starting projects with a bang and then allowing them to fizzle out once I tired of them after a few short months, when I got bored and moved onto the next big thing.

That’s never happened with Scary Mommy, though, and it’s entirely thanks to you. Your comments, your confessions, your guest posts in the Society and your presence on my boards have me more in love with this site than ever. Starting a blog was the single best decision I’ve made in my life.

I began the blog for my children. To give them something to look back on when they discovered their baby books blank and the photo albums with gaping holes.  I want them to one day see me as the imperfect, mistake-making but ever-loving mom I am. Though it might embarrass them at times and we may hit bumps over it in the future, I’ve always considered the blog a gift to them. At the end of the day, a love letter, really.

But, this book? This book, I wrote for you. It’s my story, but it’s also your’s. With your confessions interspersed through the pages and your presence always a part of my writing, the book represents our shared view of motherhood–the good, the bad and the ugly. The truth.

Thank you for giving me the inspiration, the material and the support. We certainly have a story to share.

Squeeeee!!!

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You know how people write out WOOT!!! on-line, but you can never really imagine them saying it? Because they don’t, in real life, ever?

It’s the same with squeeeee!! What is squeeeeeing, exactly? And, who actually squeeeees? Nobody, right? Yet we see it online constantly.

Well, I’ll tell you a secret: I do. Squeeeee, that is, and I’ve been doing a lot of it lately. Outloud.

SQUEEEEE!!!!

.confessions
Sorry, I’m just so excited to have you finally see the cover of my book, due out April 3.  I’m better now.

(Actually, I’m not. As Jeff can attest, I have completely entered the “holy shit I wrote a book and now I need to sell it” phase. He can also attest that it ain’t pretty.)

SQUEEEEE!!!

Apologies, again.

I really hope you’ll like it. I’m pretty sure you will. Plus, it’s a mere ten bucks and is eligible for free shipping.

So, go! Before I squeeeee again.

SQUEEEEE!!!!

(Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

The Mother Test

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Sometimes, when I go out alone, I like to pretend that I am young and single. Not to pick up strange men or anything, just kind of like a test. A test to see if the word “mom” is invisibly blazoned on my forehead. A test to see if I could possibly pass for young and unattached. A test, just for fun.

Last May, I got to try it out, on one rare day that I took for myself. I got a pedicure, went to the mall and did some shopping, just for me for a change. As I paid for my purchases, the cashier at the Gap wished me a Happy Mother’s Day. Defeated, I left in a bit of a huff. What about me so obviously spelled mother? Could he see the stretch marks underneath my clothes? Was my muffin top a dead giveaway? My wrinkles? The patch of white hair I sport? What the hell was it?! Mission: failed.

It took until I was back at home for me to realize that I was wearing a hand-painted macaroni and yarn necklace around my neck.

But I don’t give up that easily.

So, last week, I was in New York recording the audio version of my book. Just me, a producer and a hot sound tech in his twenties. Again, the opportunity presented itself to not talk about diarrhea, strep throat or the high cost of preventative orthodontics and I was all over it. You know, to be a woman and not just a mother. I pretended to be Carrie Bradshaw circa 2000, and he pretended to be somewhat interested in my book. I was making progress!

And, then, I had to start reading.

“When I finally grunted Lily out, along did come a little something else, but it wasn’t even a blip on the radar at the moment. Actually, being able to piss and shit openly was oddly liberating. Kind of relaxing, even.”

“Mothers think nothing of using saliva to clean our little ones’ faces or openly smelling their bottoms to determine whether they’ve indeed defecated.”

“My midsection looks like a crime scene, purple spiders crawl up my legs, and my once bouncy hair is an undecided mess between curly and wavy… I don’t even want to think about what my vagina would look like after pushing another kid out…”

I think it’s safe to say I failed that test, too.