The 12 Teachers You’ll Find in Every Elementary School

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teacher Image via Shutterstock

You’ve seen them. And if you haven’t, you’ve heard about them.

Every teacher in your child’s elementary school has a reputation.

And just about every one of them falls into at least one of the following categories…

1. The Veteran. Has his/her shit together. The perfect balance of discipline and warm fuzzy. Has somehow managed to survive thirty years of teaching without burning out. You pray your kid has him/her.

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2. The Fashionista. This one cannot possibly make enough money to pay for her wardrobe. All the little girls love her.

3. The Bombshell. Her skirts are short and her heels are high. She shows lots of cleavage. All the little boys love her. And so do the dads.

4. The Overachiever. She’s the one heading committees and volunteering and applying for grants and cutting crap out by hand. She will get married, have kids, retire, and become the overachieving stay-at-home mom that all other moms hate.

5. The Doormat. The substitute who covers her class has more control over the kids than she does.

6. The Dude. Every day is a party. This teacher throws the football around in the classroom. He never gives homework. He doesn’t necessarily prepare the kids for the next year, but the moms don’t care because he’s kind of hot. All the kids want this teacher.

7. The Musician. This is the uber talented classroom teacher who plays the guitar and can turn every situation into the opportunity for a song. The kids love her. The other teachers are jealous of her.

8. The Hard Ass. You do not fuck around in this teacher’s classroom. Parents either love him/her or hate him/her.

9. The Sports Fanatic. This teacher has pennants and sports paraphernalia everywhere. Every math problem revolves around a team sport scenario. All the boys want to get this teacher.

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10. The Cheeseball. You know her. She’s got the apple sweater and the apple name tags and the apple earrings and the apple coffee mug and the apple pencils and the apple bulletin board and the apple manicure and the apple necklace and the apple purse and the apple totebag and the apple lunch box and the apple license plate and the apple…

11. The Curmudgeon. This is the cranky teacher who refuses to acknowledge the passage of time. He or she still writes out homework papers by hand, doesn’t have a class website, and will never make any effort to assimilate into the 21st century.

12. The Cool, Young Teacher. If you’re going to get a new(er) teacher, this is the one  you want. She’s fun. She’s progressive. She can handle anything. And she eventually becomes…

…the Veteran.

Related post: 9 Moms Found At Every Elementary School

9 Moms Found at Every Elementary School

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mom-in-kitchen Image via Shutterstock

I have been a mom for almost 15 years now (yikes!). Needless to say, I have spent my fair share of time observing moms with their children at school. Over the years I’ve noticed no matter where I live, there are always certain kinds of moms to be found at school…

1. Wears Pajamas to School Mom. This mom is always in her pajamas. Always. Day after day, she brings her child to school in whatever she wore to bed the night before (or at least it looks like it.) Her sloppy flannel pants, big baggy t-shirt, and messy ponytail follow her everywhere.

2. Tiny Tank Top Big Fake Boobs Mom. She has fake mammaries so large men and women turn their heads as she passes. Her tiny tank tops come in a rainbow of colors with all manners of bedazzling and blingy decorations perfectly enhanced by her perpetual spray tan.

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3. Hippie Granola Mom. She wears long flowing skirts, has extra long (or sometimes extra short) hair. Child is usually named Rain, Flower, or Harmony. Packs child’s lunch in organic tote bag. Said lunch consists of leftover vegan curry and water in reusable stainless steel bottle.

4. Constantly Volunteering Mom. This mom may actually live at the school. Every time you go, (even for random trip to drop off child’s forgotten lunch) she is rushing somewhere on campus. You’ll find her changing the bulletin board, grading papers, or manning the PTA booth.

5. Perfectionist Mom. She shows up to pick up and drop off in sparkling clean car, with full makeup, perfectly coordinated outfit, fresh manicure while toting designer bag. Child’s name is monogrammed on its Pottery Barn backpack and matching lunch box. Has children scheduled for daily enriching activities year-round (like viola lessons, intermediate Mandarin, and competitive tennis.)

6. Fully Caffeinated Mom. Has never seen without a full size coffee in her hand. Zips around from child to teacher to principal to school secretary to playground aide in a grinning, chemically enhanced frenzy.

7. Running Late Mom. She screeches into the parking lot, drags her child through the school gates frantically stuffing papers into his backpack three minutes after the bell rings…EVERY SINGLE DAY.

8. Gossip Queen Mom. She’s been at the school forever. Knows everything about everybody and is eager to share. From Head Janitor to PTA President nobody is safe. If there’s dirt, she’ll find it.

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9. Hot Yoga Mom. She comes to school in her tight yoga pants and workout tank carrying her reusable water bottle making all of the rest of us jealous of her: 1. Incredible body and 2. Dedication to fitness that makes us sweat just thinking about it.

I’m certainly not judging, simply making observations. Personally, I see a little bit of myself in each of them. I seek the comfort of the pajama and shorts moms. I strive to feed my kids healthy lunches. I volunteer as often as I can, the schools need it. And I wish I had the discipline (and money) to be perfectionist mom.

Different as we may be, we all have a common goal; wanting the best for our children.

Related post: The Six Mothers Every Mother Hates

The Bento Box Solution

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Well, it finally happened, the thing I’ve been dreading. Yesterday, my precious daughter rolled off the school bus bitching and moaning about the lack of artistic effort that I’ve been putting into her packed lunches. My first thought, “Oh shit, has she been on Pinterest?” My second thought, “We need to update our parental controls to include Pinterest.”

But no, it seems that some better-than-me mother (who, I guarantee, does have a Pinterest account) has been sending her daughter to school everyday with a lunchbox full of “love” in the form of Disney inspired entrees and Chicka Chicka Boom Boom carrots. And Ana has taken notice. Thanks a lot, lady. Thanks. A. Lot.

According to my daughter, Wednesday’s lunchtime was spent watching little Hayden nibble on Elsa’s certified organic noodle braid, while Ana despondently ate from a zip-lock bag filled with pretzels and an enormous amount of apathy. Her tale of woe was really quite heartbreaking. So, like any guilt-ridden mother, I decided to give this stupid Bento Lunch thing a try.

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I promised Ana an Olaf lunch, but when I read the first three ingredients: Japanese Nori noodles, purple seaweed, edible modeling clay, I was all, “Oh heeeellll no!” Packing a lunch should not require me to source food from various specialty shops and craft stores. I haven’t shaved in four days and THAT needs to happen before I start driving around town seeking out cuisine for my five year old to throw out.

But I promised her an Olaf lunch, so it was on to Plan B. Unfortunately, I had no Plan B…at least not until I drank a couple glasses of 2009 Cabernet from the Napa region.

And so, exhausted, not-so-perfect mothers everywhere, I’d like to present my “Damn you, Hayden’s mom!” answer to this crazy, expensive, and time consuming lunch fad:

The “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box.

Step 1: Get lunch money from your purse.
Step 2: Arrange money and tape down
Step 3: Use a Sharpie to draw the rest.

The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box - www.OneClassyMotha.com

Screw making little broccoli trees with an “I love you!” tediously carved into their stalks with an X-Acto knife while freebasing your blood pressure pills and trying to remember your insurance provider’s Mental Health co-pay. No thank you. Besides, unlike a scene from The Lion King made out of graham crackers and Russian caviar, my “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Boxes provide the perfect canvas for real communication between you and your child:

Confronting potty issues:

The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box - www.OneClassyMotha.com

Offering friendship advice:

The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box - www.OneClassyMotha.com

Calling them out:

The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box - www.OneClassyMotha.com

I realize the “I ain’t got time for that. Here’s some lunch money” Bento Box still requires a minimum amount of effort on your part, which is something I’m normally against, but just think of the look on your child’s face when they open their lunch box and see something like this:

The "I ain't got time for that. Here's some lunch money" Bento Box - www.OneClassyMotha.com

Arachnophobia, cured. “Thanks, mom!”

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Ladies, even if your child doesn’t buy lunch, I’m here on my linoleum floor, begging you to step away from the melon baller and to embrace the beautiful quadrilateral simplicity of a square cheese sandwich.

After all, you don’t need to win the “MOM OF THE YEAR” title because, as far as your child is concerned, you already have it.

Related post: The Lunch-Packing Manifesto

Room Mom Guidelines

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beautifully-wrapped-gift

Dear Overachieving Room Moms,

I always aspired to be like you.

To be organized, send out important emails at least a month in advance, come up with cute and unique gifts for the teachers, and throw a class party unlike any other 3rd grade class party in the history of mankind.

Then I was a Room Mom.

And none of that shit happened.

Now if you want to go above and beyond, on your own, feel free.

If you want to write a personalized version of the 12 Days of Christmas and sing that to the teacher while you present her with 12 different gifts, and none of it involves any time or energy from me, go for it. I am totally over the my-gift-is-better-than-your-gift competition.

But when did it get to this point?

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Why am I being given craft projects to do at home for an end-of-the-year teacher’s gift? Isn’t that what the Room Mom is for in the first place?

I am all about showing appreciation for the teacher. Teachers are majorly under-appreciated. Teaching is usually a thankless job.

I 100% believe in letting the people who are helping to raise our children know how much we value the work they do every day. But I think their gift should be about how awesome we think they are. Not how awesome we think we are.

Class gifts are becoming more look-at-how-creative-I-am and less what-would-really-make-the-teacher’s-life better. Or easier. Or happier.

You’re not going to get an award for the Craftiest Room Mom Gift.

I want to give the teacher something he or she wants. Not something that is going to get shoved into the closet, or worse, the garbage, the minute the last kid walks out the door on the last day of school.

So I propose 4 simple Room Mom Guidelines:

1) Room Moms shall not have access to Pinterest for the entirety of their term as Room Mom.

2) Room Moms shall not ask parents to assemble anything or do anything that adds to the busy schedule of the parent.

3) Room Moms shall determine what gift would really make the teacher’s day, and year, by using one of the two following methods:

Gift registry/Wish List: This is just like a bridal registry. Let the teacher register at the beginning of the year. He or she can check off any items that he or she would like at home or at school. Or just make a simple wish list. Collect money. Pick shit off list. Teacher is psyched. Done.

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Survey: Have the teacher take one of those stupid PlayBuzz Surveys that you see all over Facebook. What End of Year Gift Are You? Get answer to survey. Collect money. Teacher is psyched. Done.

4) Money for class gift will be collected via the Room Mom Website. If you want to spend lots of time on something for the teacher, spend it making a website. Email the class parents and give them the web address. Put a “donate” button on the website. Like a Kickstarter campaign, parents can contribute money toward the class gift. They can contribute any amount. Parents with a shit ton of money can contribute more, and all contributions can be made anonymously. That way, no one feels bad. You don’t have to collect money in envelopes brought into school by 7-year-olds or wait at the preschool entrance and flag down parents. Nothing gets lost on the way to school. You don’t have to harass anyone. Once the money collection period has come to a close, use the funds you’ve raised and refer back to RMG #3.

Sounds like a perfectly good plan to me.

In fact, it sounds so good I think I might just volunteer to be Room Mom next year.

Related post: 6 Things I Learned as a Kindergarten Room Mom

10 Ways School Sucks For Adults Just As Much As Kids

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school sucks

As I’m driving my daughter to kindergarten, she proclaims, “Mom! I hate going to school!”

It takes every ounce of self-control I have to resist saying, “You know what? ME TOO. Let’s go to McDonald’s, get ourselves a smoothie, and go back to bed.”

Because seriously, this all-day, every-day school thing is a pretty raw deal for everyone involved…

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1. Rise and shine. I have to get up early every single day. The only reason I graduated was so I could put an end to this early-morning business, and now I have to start all over again?

2. The language police. Every day, I find myself worrying if today is the day she drops the “f” bomb at recess.

3. Having to get dressed. I’m losing out on at least two all-day pajama days per week, which is seriously putting a cramp in my ability to not do laundry on a regular basis.

4. The fact that that they lose stuff. And I’m stuck digging through the school lost & found, also known as “The Lice Box.”

5. The art projects. I can’t be trusted to bathe my children every night, but the teacher thinks I’m going to make time to help glue cotton balls onto this worksheet or cut letters out of a magazine?

6. The endless crap. “Oh cool! You brought home yet another drawing that you’re never going to let me throw away and expect me to keep and cherish forever!”

7. The late pass. The Walk of Shame to the school office when we’re late to school is way less fun than the Walk of Shame I remember from college.

8. High school, part II. When was anyone going to tell me that the same snobs that ran student government in high school are the ones now running the PTA?

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9. Money! I have dysfunctional family members who don’t ask me for money as often as my daughter’s school does for field trips, class projects, book fairs, popcorn day, etc.

10. Homework. I suspect that homework is just a way for my kid’s teacher to figure out how much effort I’m actually putting into this whole parenting thing.

Related post: Going Back to School: The 1970s vs Today