I ran into an acquaintance at school the other day. Barely slowing down our respective paces in the hallway, she quickly noted, “the book’s coming out soon — excited!?”
“Yes!” I’m sure she expected to hear. “I’m super excited,” as we each made our way towards the parking lot. Of course I would be excited about my upcoming book release. What else would I possibly be feeling? It was the equivalent of asking “how are you” and anticipating a “fine” in response. Practically obligatory.
Unfortunately for this acquaintance, I’m a bit of an over-sharer. And also, a bit of a mess.
“Excited? Um, I wouldn’t say that’s the word, exactly” I began, dropping my bag onto the ground.
“Actually,” I sighed, I’m totally freaking out.”
“I mean, what if the book doesn’t sell? I put so much of myself into it, what if people don’t relate? What if nobody wants to help spread the word? What if the critics tear it apart? What if my publisher is disappointed with the sales? What if I make a fool of myself when I’m promoting it? What if I get stage fright at a reading?”
I took a breath.
“I know, I know, it’s great to just have written a book and I should just appreciate that and enjoy the ride. Who cares if it doesn’t do well? I’ll survive, right? I know. But I can’t enjoy it. I don’t know why I can’t, but I can’t.”
I sighed and leaned against the wall for support.
“I am excited, I guess, but there are just so many other emotions, too. I’m just not used to this kind of pressure, you know? I’m not normally accountable like this and I don’t think it’s good for me. It’s scary. I mean—”
“Ah! Hold on a sec,” the acquaintance interrupted me as she fumbled for her completely silent phone.
“I think I heard this ring and it must be important. Oh, it is. Very important. Good luck!”
She bolted off without looking back, whispering to an imaginary friend about an imaginary emergency that took her away from a very real crazy person. I haven’t seen her since and I’m pretty sure she switched pre-schools just to avoid another potential run-in with me. Can’t say I blame her at all.
The moral of the story is: Don’t ask how I’m feeling about the book unless you really want to know the answer. And, you don’t. Trust me.
My mom, who is as anti-medication as one can possibly get, has begun practically ramming Xanax down my throat.
My agent gets frequent frantic 3AM e-mails from me as I lie awake at night, my mind racing with things which would never dawn on me at normal hours.
My husband is about ready to move into the unfinished, mouse-infested, pipe-exposed basement for the next three months just to not have to interact with me.
My friends have suddenly gone missing.
So, I’m turning to you, my dear readers. For my sanity, for my fingernails, for my marriage — hell, FOR THE CHILDREN — won’t you buy a book? (here) If you already have, or if you really want to make my day, will you consider sharing it with your friends?
I’m not too cool to admit that I am stalking the pre-sale numbers somewhat obsessively. Alright, completely obsessively. Basically, each book purchase is like a tiny sanity pill for me to pop. That makes the ten dollar purchase practically a medical deduction for you, and ensures a less crazy Jill for the three months to come.
I think it’s best for all of us. I’m much better at scary than crazy.
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Because I am so crazy, I’ve come up with some goodies for you if you order the book…
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• If you pre-order the book before March 31, you are eligible for a hand-signed, limited edition bookplate and bookmark. (If you’ve already ordered the book, you’re eligible, too!) Just fill out this doc and expect your bookplate/bookmark in approximately eight weeks.
• If you pre-order ten books for your book club (or group of friends or whatever) before March 31, you’ll get a Scary Mommy Book Club Pack. Included in the pack: 10 bookmarks, recipe cards for the Scary Mommy signature cocktail and dessert, 10 signed bookplates, 10 copies of the Scary Mommy Manifesto, 5 Scary Mommy cupcake toppers, and The Scary Mommy Confessions game.
{E-mail your receipt or screen shot of your order confirmation to confessionsofascarymommy@gmail.com}
• If you pre-order 30 books before March 31, you’ll receive a Scary Mommy Party Pack. Use the pack for a kick ass baby shower, birthday party or girls night out. The party basket includes: The Scary Mommy Confessions game, 30 Scary Mommy cupcake toppers, 30 cupcake cups, recipe cards for the Scary Mommy signature cocktail and dessert, a Scary Mommy onsie, 30 signed bookplates, a shopping list of everything else you’ll need for the party, and a CD containing a downloadable invitation, door sign, place-cards and more. It’s the party I want to throw every single weekend and I think you’ll love it.
{E-mail your receipt or screen shot of your order confirmation to confessionsofascarymommy@gmail.com}
