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1. Super glue has no place in a house with young children.
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2. Neither do Sharpie’s.
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3. There is no such thing as allowing your kid to play with your phone “just once.”
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4. Don’t use Google to diagnose illnesses. Ever.
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5. Dollar store toys cost far more than a dollar in frustration, anguish and regret.
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6. The terrible twos are bullshit. The terribleness lasts through at least age four. Or, forever.
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7. Always carry wipes, long after diaper wearing has ended.
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8. Resist purchasing character Bandaids, unless you’re prepared to buy a box a week.
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9. You can never have too many Goldfish. The crackers, not the live ones.
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10. Don’t buy bunk beds, unless you have absolutely no choice.
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11. Keep track of who gave what at birthday parties.
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12. Never stock batteries in your house, or you will be forced to make obnoxiously loud toys work once again.
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13. Buy Mr. Clean Erasers in bulk.
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14. Backup all photos. Better yet, print them.
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15. Look in the oven before you turn it on.
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16. There is no point in making beds.
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17. Accept the fact that you will turn into your mother.
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18. Always check pockets before washing clothes.
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19. There is no such thing as “running” into Target with children.
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20. Take more video.
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21. Daily baths are overrated.
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22. Find young babysitters and groom them. The less attractive, the better.
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23. Always have ample one dollar bills on hand for lost teeth and bribery.
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24. Carry plenty of emergency snacks in the car.
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25. Keep expensive cosmetics out of arm’s reach. Arm’s reach, on a stool and tippy toes.
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26. The four year old check-up is brutal.
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27. Look before you sit down to pee.
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28. Train your children to clean up all Lego’s before bed, knowing that nothing is more painful than stepping on a Lego with a bare foot at midnight.
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29. Save “no” for when it really matters.
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30. Over-apply sunscreen.
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31. Practice caution when approaching that stray raisin on the floor. It’s probably not a raisin.
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32. Never pay full price for kids clothes. They always go on sale and the expensive ones inevitably get ruined first.
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33. There’s a reason why people surprise their kids with trips to Disney: Their anticipation may kill you.
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34. Don’t take their word for it when children say they don’t need to pee before leaving the house.
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35. Lock your bedroom door.
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36. And, your bathroom one.
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37. Never open a can of soda handed to you by a child.
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38. Walk away from temper tantrums. Or, record them for future enjoyment.
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39. Upset as you may be, hair grows back.
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40. But, not on Barbie dolls, so hide the scissors.
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41. Never buy more than two pairs of shoes at once. Their feet will inevitably grow once you do.
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42. No matter how hard they promise, kids will never walk that puppy as much as you hoped.
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43. Give away the books you can’t stand reading.
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44. No child went to college with a pacifier.
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45. Don’t buy any toy that is meant to come apart, unless they can put it back together themselves.
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46. Keep a well-hidden stock of lollipops.
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47. Don’t allow Play-Doh on carpets. Or, indoors, for that matter.
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48. TV won’t really turn their brains to mush.
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49. A bathroom in a house with boys will never smell clean.
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50. It doesn’t get easier..