2014-THANKSgiving

10 Things You Don’t Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

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I used to get annoyed when people told me, “Oh, you have no idea about having kids until you have them.” Sure I did. Who doesn’t know that although kids are cute, they are also a lot of work? That’s why you get a dog to practice before having a kid. Like, duh.

Now that I have three kids, it’s my turn to pass on this knowledge to people I know having their first kid. YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT HAVING KIDS UNTIL YOU HAVE KIDS! Sorry for shouting, but it’s true. So so so so so so very true.

Not that anyone asked, but if I were going to give advice to first-time parents, I wouldn’t just state the obvious about their life changing forever. That’s not helpful. Kids are a lot of work, yadda, yadda, yadda. Instead, I’d sit them down in comfy chairs, hand them a beer or glass of wine, and break it down for them all realistic-style. Ok, let’s get to it…

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#1: Kids Are Gross. I think most people without kids understand this in theory–kids poop and pee and puke–but in practice . . . when you’re the parent, YOU are the one cleaning up all of this (literal) shit. And not just when dealing with diapers and potty training and the occasional tummy bug. Those are a given. But like when your kid decides to take a dump on the floor. At the mall. (Or, unfortunately for a friend of mine, in her hand, at the grocery store.) Or when your kid decides she’s big enough to pee alone in the stall at Target but forgets to take off her pants. Or when your kid works himself into such a tantrum that he barfs up everything he has managed to consume from what seems like the past 2 days.

These, my friends, will not be isolated incidents. Especially when your kids are little. These shenanigans will happen often, if not daily. If your kid has a proclivity for such behavior, you may even be dealing with this stuff a few different times a day. That adds up to a shit-ton of shit. And since you’re the one cleaning up all of this, you can bet your britches that some of this crap will end up on you too. If you’re lucky, you’ll get just a little on your hand. Although gross, easily fixed with some good hand hygiene. If you’re unlucky, well, let’s just say you better hope you realize where the smell that’s been following you all day is coming from before someone else does.

And while we’re on the topic of kids doing gross things, I’d like to put this fact out there: Kids eat their boogers. I think people like to think only other people’s kids do this, but that’s not true. Every kid will at some point in time eat boogers. You just want to hope it’s only their boogers they’re eating. Your kid may try it just once, or it may develop into a habit that lasts for a while. But it will happen. Same goes for ABC gum they find stuck to the underside of a movie theater seat, or a cold half-eaten fry they find on the floor of McDonald’s because, you know, they were still hungry. Dear god, I wish I were making this stuff up.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#2: Kids Are Dirty. I only had a vague notion about kids and dirt before having my own. I used to babysit a lot, so I knew about the messy face and hands after eating, and even about the crumbs they left all over the table and floor. What I did not know what that this dirt cannot be confined. It doesn’t matter how often you wipe them down after eating or how often you vacuum in the wake of a meal. You will find crumbs in bed (yours, theirs), crumbs in the carpet, crumbs in the cracks of the couch, crumbs in their cracks. You will ask yourself, “How in the world did crumbs get into the freaking tube of toothpaste?!” Like actually into the tube. Kids are just crafty like that.

The crumbs will even multiply and migrate out into your car. Their car seats (who am I kidding, your entire car) will forever be encrusted with ground-up goldfish bits, rogue Cheerios, and broken pretzel sticks. Don’t be too quick to clean out your car, though. This may prove useful on a long car trip when you’ve forgotten snacks. “Oh, sorry kids, just dig around in the cracks of your seat, I’m sure you’ll find something to tide you over.”

In addition to the crumbs you’ll find everywhere, EVERYTHING in your house, including the kids, will be sticky. Toys, books, DVD cases, toilet flusher thingies, faucets, door handles (especially the one on the refrigerator), TV remotes, cabinets, tabletops, countertops, your cell phone, the cat. You’ll need to keep plenty of Windex on hand to wipe their fingerprints off the mirrors and the TV screen. You’ll also need a lot of towels to clean up all of the drinks they’ll spill. At. Every. Single. Meal. Oh, and find a good laundry detergent. Preferably one that can handle the different kinds of stains you’ll be trying to remove from your pants every time you sit in something new and find your ass stuck to the couch.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kidsl

 #3: Kids Are Hoarders. You have kids, you’re gonna have toys. Everyone knows that. What I wasn’t prepared for as a parent was having my entire house practically turn into a toy store. A toy store that exploded. And then had all the toys copulate and give birth to newer and newer generations of toys. Much like the crumbs from the first post, this stuff can’t be contained. You’ll have toys everywhere. Kids’ room, check. Living room, check. Dining room, check. Your room, check. Kitchen, check. Bathroom, check. Stuffed in any drawer your kids can find because they’re good hiding places, check.

Even if you don’t buy your kids too many toys, you can bet your family and friends will. (And usually the kind that play loud, annoying music or can be used to make a lot of noise. But, that’s another topic completely. Love you family!) Not to mention all of the craptastic “toys” they’ll get from those kids meals you swore you’d never feed them. The ones that always seem to break 18.25 seconds into playing with them. The ones your kids go ballistic over if, heaven forbid, they find them in the trash.

We used to have a dining table in here. Can you spot our china cabinet?

And the more kids you have, the more bins and baskets and buckets and shelving units to hold said bins and baskets and buckets you’ll be buying to shove their toys in to. (Thank you, Ikea!) At first you’ll probably have some type of sorting system for the toys. You’ll want all of the plastic food to stay with the play kitchen, the gazillion trains and cars to stay together, and all of Barbie’s effing little shoes and accessories in one place so that when your kid is looking for things you know where to find them, hopefully avoiding an epic meltdown. (“Mooooooooom-mmy, where is my blue car?! I need my blue car! Not that blue car, the other blue car!” WTF?)

But eventually you’ll give up and just start throwing things in whatever container has even a smidge of free space. “You will fit in there!” Don’t feel bad about this. Just surrender; your sanity will thank you, and it’ll be so much easier in the long run. Plus, once you let go, you’ll find you’ll have more time to worry about other pressing issues. Like why the hell your one eye keeps twitching like that.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#4: Kids Are Moochers. When it comes to eating, kids typically fall into two categories — 1) those that eat anything and everything, and 2) those that eat hardly anything. If you have more than one kid, you may even get lucky and have both! Or your kid may fall into one category one month, day, or second and fall into the second category another. (Actually, you can pretty much count on this.) This makes for fun meal planning, I can assure you. *eyes rolling*

Regardless of which camp they fall into, all bets are off when they see you with food. They are going to want to cozy up to you and “share” whatever it is that you are eating. ”Can I have a bite? Can I have a bite? Can I have a bite? Just one teeny bite?” For the love of Pete! And it won’t even matter what it is that you are eating. “Begetables, mmmmm, I lub begetables!” “Fish, I lub fish!” “Spicy, mmmmm, I lub spicy.”

If you actually want to eat your meal in its entirety, you have two options. Option 1: If you know your kid likes the food you’re trying to enjoy, DO NOT GIVE IN. I mean it, do not give him or her even just one tiny bite. As much as they say they understand that they will only get one bite and that’s going to be it, they’re lying. Always. Option 2:If you know your kid does not like the food you’re trying to enjoy, do the opposite of what I recommend in Option 1–give him or her a heaping forkful to nosh on. When your kid realizes what you’re eating is just absolutely disgusting, he or she will likely spit it out, right back on your plate, no doubt, and then go find something else to do. Until he or she forgets and comes back begging for more approximately 5 seconds later.

Sadly, this was not staged.

So I guess you’re just better off going with Option 1 in all cases. Unless you want to avoid this scenario entirely and you hide out in the kitchen (or bedroom or bathroom even) so that you can scarf down your meal in peace!

And while I’ve focused on food here, please know that your kids’ mooching knows no bounds. You should probably plan to stock up on chapstick and deodorant and pens, too.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#5: Kids Don’t Sleep. When you want them to, that is. Everyone knows that new parents usually get very little sleep until their baby is sleeping through the night. (Those bags and dark circles under your eyes never completely go away, by the way.) What I’m talking about here are deviations from your kids “normal” sleep schedule once you think you have found a groove. Like when your kid usually naps in the morning from 10-12, has been for oh, say, the last 6 weeks, and then the day you actually have something planned while your kid is asleep (maybe a conference call for work or, more likely, your own nap) or something planned out of the house after your kid sleeps (say a doctor’s appointment or play date), your kid says, “F you, morning nap!”

You wanted to go where? Zzzzzzzzzzz.

This results in you either 1) having to cancel what you had planned to do when your kid was supposed to be asleep but is now awake and probably incredibly whiney and clingy or 2) having to cancel what you had planned for after your kid was supposed to be asleep because 1 minute prior to you having to walk out the door you’ll find your kid, coat and shoes on, slumped over on the couch, drooling, and fast asleep. And sorry if you had something planned both before and after the nap was supposed to take place. Your day is screwed.

It’s the same for morning wake up time. You can absolutely count on your kids sleeping in on the mornings you have to be somewhere at a certain time and then being up at the crack of dawn the mornings you could have actually slept in. It always happens this way. Until it doesn’t. And then you’ll have no idea when the hell you’re actually going to get any sleep because you have no idea when the hell your kids are going to sleep. They like to keep us on our toes like that.

I will tell you a secret, though: The one thing that absolutely doesn’t change with kids, the one constant, the one thing you can always, without a doubt predict . . . your kids will be unpredictable. Predictably unpredictable.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#6: Kids Are Needy. So. Very. Needy. I mean let’s be honest. A newborn can’t do shit. (Actually, that’s one of the things newborns can do quite well, but you know what I mean.) They need to be fed, burped, changed, bathed, rolled over, rolled back, rocked to sleep, picked up, put down, bounced, swaddled, swayed, shushed. Parents with newborns are like zombies for a reason. But we know this. Everyone warns new parents that the first few months will be hell.

But where was the warning that this neediness actually intensifies as your kids get older? You’re not just fulfilling basic human needs anymore; you’ve become a means to an end. ”Mommy, can you get me crackers?” “Daddy, I need my pink shirt with the purple polka dots.” “Mommy, where is that doll I was playing with the other day?” “Where’s my binky?” “Daddy, can you put a show on for us? Yeah that one. Oh no, not this one. The other one. Oh wait, the first one. Actually, where’s the one about the kid doing that thing with the other kid?” “Mommy, I’m thirsty, I need a drink!” “Come wipe my butt.” ”I wanna push the button!” ”I need a Band-Aid!” “Mommy, we want a different show.” “Daddy, Mommy said to get us a snack.” “Where’s my blanket?” “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?” “Mammmmaaaaaaaaa!”

Yup, that about sums up the first 5 minutes the kids are awake each day. But the kicker with all of this neediness is the timing. It is a simple fact that your kids will never need anything while you are already up or even when you ask them point-blank if they need anything. Nope. They’ll suddenly need you right when you sit down to eat, or relax, or poop. Or the second you get in the shower or are otherwise in the middle of doing anything else but tending to them. When your kids are little, you can simply forget about being able to poop alone or take a relaxing shower while they are awake.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#7: Kids Are (Too) Honest. How’s that? Don’t we want to raise honest kids? you ask. Oh absolutely. Yes, we want our kids to fess up when they hit a sibling, or tell a lie, or eat the last of the ever-loving Girl Scout cookies that you won’t be able to get again for another year.

But until kids develop that internal filter that (most) adults have and learn that some things shouldn’t be said out loud, you’re going to be getting a whole lotta honesty you may not want. Some hypothetical (ahem) things you might hear include:

  • Your belly is squishy
  • Your legs are hairy
  • Your breath smells yucky
  • Your hair is greasy
  • Your legs are jiggly
  • You have a boogie in your nose
  • You stink
  • Your boobies are so big (“Big” is such a relative term, eh?)

Well, if you would leave me the frick alone for 20 effing minutes I might be able to do something about all that! (Oh, who am I kidding, you’ll probably need at least half a day to get all that shit under control. But alas, I refer you back to #6, so the likelihood that you’ll actually have even 5 minutes alone to do ANYTHING is slim to none.)

And don’t think your kids save all of this honesty just for you. You can be sure they will tell you just how hairy or stinky or big your waiter is one day when you are out to lunch. You will pretend you don’t hear anything. Your kid will repeat him- or herself louder and louder each time until you are forced to acknowledge the statement. You will start giving your kid “the look.” Your kid will not understand this look and think you haven’t heard what he or she is saying. Your kid will say it even louder. You will shush your kid. Your kid will get upset and repeat him- or herself again, this time while wailing. The waiter will have heard all of this.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#8: Kids Break Stuff. It’s inevitable. Your kids are going to break things. This is why you don’t buy kids expensive crap. $1 toys are easier to replace than rare antique collectibles. Even someone who knows nothing about kids will know this.

But kids don’t just break their stuff. There is no magic spell that excludes your stuff from being destroyed as well. Cell phones will be dropped in the toilet, eye glasses will be stepped on, couches will get colored on with permanent markers, lights will be left on in the car draining your battery, computer charging cords will get wrapped around the office chair and wound up so tightly from all the spinning that they’ll fray and eventually sever. And I don’t know any family with a complete set of dishes or glasses. Most of the destruction will be accidental, mind you, but that won’t make the replacements–should you decide to actually replace or repair your damaged goods–any cheaper.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#9: Kids Hurt Themselves. A Lot. I knew kids got occasional booboos, but I had no idea just how often my kids would hurt themselves. It begins when they can start moving on their own and doesn’t seem to end. They roll into things, fall off things, trip over things, walk into things, choke on things, step on things. Kids are freaking clumsy. Or they often don’t know any better. And don’t get me started on all of the things they will do, intentionally and not, to hurt each other.

Thankfully, although you can absolutely count on your kids getting hurt, most of these injuries will be ones that can be fixed with kisses and a few (or 63) Band-Aids.

10 Things You Don’t Really Know About Kids Until You Have Kids

#10: Your Kids Are Worth All of It. You have no idea just how much you can love another person until you have kids. It is the fiercest, most intense love you can ever imagine. You will do everything in your power to protect your kids and see that they never come to harm because you helped to create this fragile life. You are responsible for this fragile life. You will understand what it means to be selfless. You will sacrifice for your child. You will do the best you can for your child. You would give your life for your child. You will understand that even though all of the other things are true, having someone to love and be loved unconditionally makes it all worth it.

The Top 10 Gross Post-Parenthood Changes

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toddler-eating Image via Shutterstock

I’m not sure when exactly it happened, but somewhere between the birth of my first child to present day, I became a really disgusting human being. I transitioned so seamlessly that it wasn’t until recently, when a childless friend gawked at me with a look of pure repulsion, that it occurred to me how much times have changed. Here’s how…

1. Chocolate or pooh?

Before kids: A brown stain could only be one thing – chocolate. And, I probably wouldn’t second guess licking it off, either.

After kids: There a strong possibility that it could be pooh. Even more disgusting, my first instinct is to robustly sniff the mystery substance for further confirmation. Either way, chocolate or pooh, it’s unlikely I will stop what I’m doing to clean it off. It can wait.

2. Boogers!

Before kids: Boogers disgusted me. I’d use three or more tissues to blow my own nose; let alone another person’s. AND the mere thought of someone picking their nose would send me running to the nearest toilet gagging like a prima-donna!

After kids: IF there’s a tissue within reach, I’ll consider using it but if there isn’t…my bare hand will do the trick. Picking boogers out of an infant’s nose became second nature, snot candles are not a crisis and I accepted a long time ago that any black garment I wear is destine to have those trademark translucent smears on each shoulder.

3. Vomit catcher

Before kids: If anyone, including my spouse, looked as if there was even a distant possibility they “may” barf, the only reaction that even somewhat resembled sympathy, would have been my moving out of the barf-spray reaching perimeters!

After kids: Without any hesitation, if my kids’ start puking, I instinctively put my hands out to catch it. Why? Because it’s better to fill my hands with warm, chunky, vomit than clean it off my freshly cleaned carpets. Nothing gets that smell out!

4. Putting saliva on someone’s face

Before kids: As a child, my sister used saliva warfare to torture my brother and me. She’d pin us down and dangle warm goober strings over our faces! She’d even lick our noses for her own sick, demented, satisfaction! That horrible smell of bad breath lingered on your face for hours.

After kids: I don’t even think twice about perpetrating the same saliva cruelty on my kids…But I’m doing it to clean their faces, not to torment them – there’s a difference!

5. Biting nails

Before kids: Toe nails get long, you cut them. Fingernails get long, you cut them!

After kids: First of all, do you know how fast kid’s nails grow?! Seems like every time I turn around one of my kids’ nails are starting to look like something out of a horror movie! Plus – keeping track of those damn children’s sized nail clippers is almost an impossible task in itself! Trust me, it doesn’t take long before you find yourself sitting on the couch nibbling off your 4 week old baby’s nails!

6. Sleeping in urine

Before kids: The only times you may have slept in urine was either unknowingly OR in a drunken college stupor – also unknowingly.

After kids: If this hasn’t happened already, believe me, it will! One night, you’ll find yourself awakened by a sudden rush of unknown warm liquid up your back! And when the half-asleep, bedwetting, offender looks at you and says “Sorry Mommy” you’ll even find yourself feeling guilty for furiously leaping out of bed with a shriek!

Finally – you’ll find yourself opting for the latter of two very unappealing options:

A.) Change the sheets in the middle of the night OR
B.) Cover it with a towel from the hamper and try to get some sleep!

7. Bath Time

Before kids: If someone peed or pooped in my bathtub, not only would I have drained the water I would have disinfected the entire thing, more than once, before I ever considered using it!

After kids: Immediately after filling the tub, you plunk her in and you see the yellow halo forming around her BUT, you look away! I mean really, a little tinkle in the water never hurt anyone. Besides, it’s super diluted and there’s a long line of people waiting to use this tub so I really don’t have time to change the water.

8. Preparing the ice-cream cone

Before kids: It used to drive me crazy when my mom did this! I’d sit there, watching her tongue bathe my ice cream, anxiously and rather impatiently awaiting the return of my frosty treat! I never understood why she delighted in torturing me. Why doesn’t she get her own frigging ice cream?

After kids: What you need to first understand is that before I “prepared” the ice cream cone by licking it into a perfectly coiffed, triangular shape, it was dripping down his arms faster than he could get it in his mouth. I was doing the kid a favor by making it easier to eat – while protecting his clothing from becoming a chocolate mess!

9. Eating highchair leftovers

Before kids: Opting for partially chewed food from someone else’s plate? No. I don’t think so.

After kids: Well, she’s not eating it and heaven knows I don’t have time to cook lunch for me, so what the hell? Down the hatch it goes!

10. Smelling the diaper

Before kids: I can say with 100% conviction that I never enthusiastically inhaled the aftermath of a bathroom visit however…

After kids: The same cannot be said for a pooh diaper! Nowadays, despite the obviously bulky change in my children’s pants, I feel compelled to scoop them up and take a whiff for some olfactory confirmation!

The things we do for our children are just plain gross. My only hope for retribution is the optimism that someday my children will also find themselves victim to their transition into disgusting human being! Oh, the circle of life.

Related post: 10 Gross Things Kids Do

The Grossest Parts of Parenthood

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In the years before I became a mother, my husband and I parented a beautiful little lab puppy named Lola.  She was our darling, doted on with love, cuddles, treats, toys, and walks.  I loved her beyond measure, but, when she drooled one me, blechhh…I still cringe thinking about it.  And the poop…yuck!  The degradation of having to carry a plastic bag full of reeking crap down the street made me slightly nauseous.

But, oh… oh, if only I had known what I was in for when I became a mother. Turns out much of parenthood consists of feeling slightly nauseous thanks to your children. Let’s take a look at some of the grossest parts of parenthood, shall we?

Grossest Parts of Parenthood

1. Baby Poop. Many of us remember the sweet, milky smell of our newborns as they cuddled against our chests.  I, too, remember this smell fondly.  A smell I remember less fondly is that of a diaper full of stinking, loose, mustard colored shit.  But, we parents do our duty (no pun intended) and change diaper after diaper full of the stuff, filling receptacles in our homes full of literal crap.

I settled my darling 2-week-old daughter onto a changing pad laid down on the ottoman in my living room.  I was prepared with wipes, diapers, ointments, and cloths to pat dry her precious little bum.  I removed her wet diaper, relieved that it contained only pee.  I gathered her tiny ankles into my hand and lifted them to clean her as she let loose a small sigh…and a jet powered stream of fecal matter that splattered across my shirt, turning it into a disgusting man’s Jackson Pollack.  Did I mention that the aforementioned stream also splattered through my hair and across the couch cushions?  How adorable!

2. Spit Up. As a new mother, I spent hours of my day playing with my handsome little guy.  As we lay together on the couch after his feeding, I began tossing him up into the air.  He riotously giggled, screaming with glee.  “Hooray!” I yelled, each time her flew up into the air.  My wide-mouthed grin mirrored his own. Suddenly, my wide-mouthed grin was filled with something warm and sour.  Yup.

3. Toddler Poop. There comes a point in a child’s life when he should no longer be in diapers.  For me, this point occurred when my two and a half year old son was treated to a St. Patty’s Day cookie.  The next day, I watched him hide in the corner, gripping a pillow and screwing up his face as he pushed out a deuce.  When he was done (I knew that he was done because he immediately straddled his blow up Thomas the Tank Engine ball and began bouncing, testing the resilience of his diaper), I called him over to the aforementioned ottoman.  What the mother of all that is holy…?!?!  His poop was bright green, a man-sized shamrock shit.

Don’t even get me started on the poop in the tub.  Because, while in the tub one morning, my daughter produced a poop so voluminous that it lifted her tiny body.  Literally!  I was so amazed that, before I went about dousing the tub in bleach, I texted a picture of the mess to my husband.  Like a true man, he was proud of his daughter’s accomplishment.

4. Potty Training. With our son, we took the “strip him and let him run around naked until he’s trained” approach.  Of course, our stubborn son took it upon himself to sneak into corners and take a dump.  Never feels good to discover this as you’re strolling through your dining room barefoot.

I thought that the fact that the child was putting his or her respective bodily fluids and solids into a frog-shaped receptacle would make my life less poop-centric.  But, no.  I am still in charge of butt wiping and, now, I get the added pleasure of playing chamber maid and emptying and sterilizing sir or lady’s pot.

In a related alert, if I have to stain treat one more skid mark off of Scooby Doo’s goofy face smiling at me from the ass of my son’s tighty whiteys, I’m gonna spaz.

5. Blood. When my phone rang and the caller ID read “Transportation,” I had horrible visions of a bus accident.  My baby!  My little boy!  My heart racing, I answered the call with bated breath.  And…they were calling to say that my 5-year-old had a nose bleed.  All of that terror, that drama because of a little nose bleed?

When the bus pulled to a stop in front of the house, I realized why they had called.  The kid looked as if he had been jumped into Kindergarten fight club.  Wet tissues stuck up his nostrils, his winter coat drenched in blood, I ushered him into the kitchen and began a litany of first aid measures involving Q-Tips, ice packs, and Vaseline.

By the time I got the damn thing to clot, I looked like a murder victim on CSI.

6. Vomit.  “I have a headache, Mommy. It hurts. Make it stop hurting, Mommy!” screams my 3-year-old from the backseat.  As I maneuver through traffic, trying to find a parking lot into which I can pull, it begins.  I hear the gagging, a sound like a plunger in the toilet.  Between rounds of gagging, a high-pitched whine escapes her throat.  And, as tears trickle down her cheeks, the contents of her stomach (including a hot fudge sundae, bagel, hummus, cheese stick, and grapes) explode down the front of her shirt, blanketing her car seat and lap.  As I swerve between cars searching for the elusive parking lot, the smell hits me, filling the car like tear gas.

When I finally pull the car door open to assess the damage, I am stunned.  Where the hell to start?  The only way is through it.

After stripping, wiping, drying, re-dressing and repeating those same steps on the car seat, she is ready to begin the rest of the journey home.

“I feel better, Mommy,” she smiles.

Although I’ve done my best to bathe myself with hand sanitizer, I’m about 100% certain that my nails are going to need a thorough trim after the conclusion of my steaming hot, hour long shower.

7. Snot. There is never a damn tissue around when one of them sneezes out those two long strings of snot that hang over their lips, tenuously dangling over the cavern of their gaping mouths.  Yes, I have used my sleeve.

8. Urine. Have you ever had to regularly change a baby boy’s diaper?  Enough said.

9. Potty Language. Five-year-old boys are obsessed with any and all bodily functions.  Today, in fact, my son and his friend sat eating peanuts.  They spent a full ten minutes repeating the phrase “pee butts” to one another and laughing hysterically each time.

This example is topped only by the full hour and a half my son spent watching “The Muppets Movie” and referring to Kermit as “Turd It the Log.”

10. Public Bathrooms. As soon, and I mean immediately, upon entering any public arena, my children will insist that they have to pee worse than they have ever had to pee in their entire lives.  If I do not instantaneously take them to the nearest public restroom, they will piss the floor.

“Mommy, it smells.”

“Yes, yes it does. Okay, just stand there and DON’T MOVE!!!!”

I fastidiously check each stall to determine which toilet is least likely to be infected with herpes.  All I can think about is the droplets of mystery liquid splattered across the seat, the toilet paper grazing the scum covered floor, and the lingering odor.  “Okay, this one,” I order. “God, NO! DON”T TOUCH ANYTHING!!!!”

My daughter sings happily as her itsy-bitsy bum hangs precariously, her hands clasping the edges of the seat.  I’m counting down the seconds until I can dip her into a vat of Purel.  “Are you done yet?”

“No. I need to poop…I heard it splash into the water, Mommy,” she giggles.

“That’s just amazing, babe. Are you done?”

“All done.”  I discard the ends of the toilet paper and hand her what I hope is a cleaner section.  “Pat, pat, pat,” I instruct.  “Okay, Babe, back up so I can flush.”

“NO! I WANNA DO IT! IT’S MY POOP! I WANNA DO IT! I WANNA DO IT!” she begins to tantrum.

“OKAY! Fine, fine. Do it already! Just hurry up.”

“Yeah!” She flushes. “Oh, Mommy, that one was a sprinkly toilet,” she gleefully informs me as I swallow back the bile rising in my throat.

“Let’s just go wash hands,”  I say as I rush her over to the sink.  “Oh, for the love of mercy!”  Is it possible that the sink is more foul than the toilet?

“Why did you say that thing, Mommy?”

“Nothing, Babe, nothing.  Just let me get some soap and…NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“I just wanted to see what it tastes like.”

Ever seen the show “Dirty Jobs”?  Turns out, all Mike Rowe needed to do in order to be covered in muck in filth was procreate Bon appétit!

10 Gross Things You Hope Your Kids Will Never Do (But Probably Will)

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funny boy

Let’s face it, kids are gross. It’s no secret that crappy diapers, projectile spit up, and snot come along with the territory.

It’s all the other vile things small human beings do that make me want to book a tubal ligation with my gynecologist.

Unfathomable things.  Unsanitary things.  Unmentionable things.

And yet, I’m prepared to mention them here.  For the sake of anonymity, let me state that I can neither confirm, nor deny, that these acts of grossness were performed by my offspring.  Some may have been carried out  by other children.  Or not.  I can’t say.

1. Do other things with their boogers besides eat them. That little snack they’ve dug out has the right combo of chewy and salty to satisfy a preschool palette.  But did you know that boogers also make a lovely wallpaper?  Can’t find the glue?  Boogers make a fantastic (and cheap!) alternative.

2. Poop in a public pool. Ah yes, the grandaddy of embarrassment.  Even though your kid went to the potty before you got in the pool, said child decides to just shit their swimsuit rather than go to the bathroom a mere 10 feet away.  If you’re lucky, #2 is self contained and doesn’t produce a floater.  Then you can escort your towel-wrapped stinker to the bathroom, dispose of the foulness and discreetly alert the staff.  If not?  You’re looking at Def Con 5 and a full and hasty evacuation.

3. Piddle around with their anatomy. During dinner. What IS it with privates that invite investigation?  Kids will fool around with their junk, then pull their hand out to grab a baby carrot like it’s nothing.  Hopefully this habit recedes before puberty.

4. Dig out old food from the cracks in your car’s floor board and devour them. You open the door to find your toddler happily munching on something and ask to see it.   When she opens her mouth, you realize it’s the remnants from last Easter’s chocolate bunny.  It’s like she’s a homeless person!

5. Make disgusting concoctions with their food that would put a fraternity hazing week to shame. Call it Culinary Curiosity. Maybe it’s a juice suicide.  Perhaps they just want to see what happens when you dump ground beef in a tumbler of milk and guzzle it.  Haven’t you ever had the strong urge to find out how delectable apples are when smothered with ketchup?

6. Use anything besides a napkin as a napkin. Shirt sleeves, furniture, other food.  Anything is fair game!  Like cavemen, small children would rather wipe their dribble on something they need to wear all day than reach over and use a napkin.

7. Go an entire week without changing their underpants. Somehow it’s easier to just put on the old underwear after a shower rather than grabbing a fresh pair.  That’s sitting right next to their new outfit.  It’s not until laundry day when you’ve hung seven pairs of pants and put away one boxer brief that you do the math and throw up in your mouth a little.

8. Store food in their mouths longer than a bear hibernates. Apparently, it makes more sense to keep chewing on the same chunk of meat you don’t like and store it in your cheeks than to swallow it and be done.  By the time my kid finally gets around to swallowing turkey, it’s been pulverized to a puree, putting my gag reflex on high alert.

9. Your children will take a drink out of a beverage that’s past its prime. I get it, kids get thirsty.  But would it be so difficult to ask how long that sippy cup of milk has been in the backseat before taking a swig?  I don’t know about you, but I’m not a big fan of amoebic dysentery.

10. Use something besides toilet paper as toilet paper. As they get older and gain independence, they’re going to want to wipe their own ass.  Who can blame them?  But be warned, if you’re out of toilet paper, you might as well kiss that nice hand towel goodbye.  When you’ve congratulated them on doing such a great job, be sure to avoid a High Five afterwards.  You just might find yourself the recipient of a turd slap.