24 Lies Parents Tell Their Toddlers

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1. Big kids don’t poop their pants. You have definitely pooped your pants on more than one occasion. You did it when you were pregnant. And during that marathon when you had a bad case of the runner’s trots. And that one Taco Tuesday you said “Fuck you” to moderation and didn’t make it to the bathroom before the shitsunami hit.

2. We’re leaving now! Yeah, you’re leaving in however long it takes to pry his fingers off the monkey bars and drag his convulsing toddler body back to the car. Or:

3. OK, you can stay here, but I’m going home. You’re not going anywhere without your kid, but you really want to go home and binge on cookie dough ice cream and The Vampire Diaries, so you’re relying on good ol’ reverse psychology to get him in the car.

4. You can’t have dessert unless you eat your broccoli. Umm, actually, you can. Mom does it all the time.

5. We’re out of M&Ms. You hid them in an empty Wheat Thins box in the pantry and intend on inhaling them the moment your little tyke’s head hits the pillow.

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6. You shouldn’t call people names. Yes, sometimes you should, like that jackass who didn’t hold the door open for you at the post office, or that twat waffle who just walked out of the bathroom stall you went to shit in and didn’t tell you she used the last of the toilet paper.

7. If you don’t brush your teeth, they’re going to fall out. They’re baby teeth. They’re going to fall out even if your kid’s the Bob Ross of tooth brushing.

8. Mama’s got a boo-boo. Mama needs a nap.

9. Daddy misses you! Mama needs a break. Or:

10. Mama needs a break. Mama needs a Valium. Or wine. Or both.

11. It’s broken. You took the batteries out. There’s only so much fucking Vtech you can take in a day.

12. It’s a popped animal balloon. It’s a condom. Although something may have been blown into it at one point.

13. It’s yucky. It’s Starbucks: a hot, steaming, deliciously creamy orgasm in a cardboard cup. (Moan. Sigh.)

14. It’s a milkshake! It’s a spinach smoothie.

15. It’s candy! It’s Tylenol.

16. It’s lemonade! It’s a laxative.

17. It’s just a little scratch! It’s gushing more blood than Mama when her vag is paintin’ the town red.

18. It’s a magic potion! It’s rubbing alcohol. And it’s going to sting like a bitch.

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19. It’s just a tiny bugaboo! OMG, IT’S A FUCKING COCKROACH, the sperm of Satan himself, sent to impregnate this world with evil and universal grotesqueness. And if you don’t all evacuate the house immediately, it’s going hunt you down with its repulsively long antennae and EAT YOUR SOULS.

20. Dora isn’t on right now. It’s not “on” because you didn’t flip the channel to Nick Jr. You’ve had your fill of anthropomorphic purple monkeys and kleptomaniacal foxes. Besides, you don’t want your kid watching when Dora finally gets busted for whatever hallucinogenic substances she’s toting around in that backpack of hers (the thing talks for Chrissakes; it’s clearly on something).

21. Mama doesn’t know where The Very Hungry Caterpillar is. It’s on top of the refrigerator. If you have to orate that shameless insect’s binging habits one more time, you’re going to follow suit. And you’ll look more “butter” than “butterfly” by the time you’re done.

22. You are driving Mama CRAZY! This implies that you’re not quite there yet. The truth is, you boarded the family-friendly minivan to Crazytown before your kid was even a week old, when he burped up in your mouth for the first time.

23. If you don’t stop (kicking, screaming, tugging on Mama’s nipples, etc.) by the count of three… Not sure if this really qualifies as a lie, because you never actually finish the sentence.

24. That’s it, I’m done! You are never done. The moment you squeezed that little twerp out of your lady bits, you signed a vaginal contract to put up with all of his twerpiness until he becomes an adult twerp. And you’ll likely still opt to put up with it then, because he may be a twerp, but he’s YOUR TWERP.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s not always a realistic option if you want to actually survive the toddler years.

Related post: 50 Reasons Your Toddler Might Be Awake Right Now

10 Reasons Why I Respect The Toddler

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Let me start by saying that I have the utmost respect for that often maligned creature, the toddler. As a local toddler once said “Toddlers are a lot like real people. But better.”

Ahem.

It’s a complicated age. The age of innocence, on the one hand, but also the age of, how shall I put this delicately – being a little d-bag. It’s a strange time in the evolution of a person.

During the toddler years emotions run very, very high. Logic and reasoning run very, very low. That was charitable of me. Logic and reasoning are nonexistent. In short: A toddler is an emotional powder keg packaged in dough. He is Kanye West at an awards show.

I think I’ve lost my way here. What was I saying?

Oh yes, that I respect the toddler. I feel like I haven’t built up the strongest case in support of this declaration just yet. So let’s shift gears and focus on the positive traits reserved largely for the 2T set.

1. CONSISTENT GRATITUDE. Look at these kids:

IMG_1529

They are keenly aware that their parents have made a herculean effort to get them fed, changed, dressed and out the door for a play date. They know it means a lot to their parents that they have a great time, or more essentially, do not embarrass the family.

They will NOT let their parents down, because of the gratitude that runs deep within them. Gratitude for the very fact that their parents gave them the gift of life and also, in many cases, goldfish crackers. In the above photo, what looks to the naked eye like a group of toddlers either sobbing or looking entirely bored is actually a group of toddlers whose faces are contorted in ecstasy. The boy on the far right is so pleased that he’s trying to hurl himself onto the floor in a spasm of delight. The girl in the pink sweater’s head is about to spin 360 degrees and spew green vomit because her little body cannot contain her gratitude.

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2. UNPARALLELED ATHLETICISM. Ask yourself this: Can you stick your toes in your mouth and/or run back and forth across your living room floor for seven hours straight on nothing but dairy products and blueberries? CAN YOU? I didn’t think so. You know who can? Your nearest toddler.

3. PATIENCE. This is truly one of the toddler’s hallmark traits. Toddlers are able to wait and wait and wait to get what they desire. They never get agitated or frustrated when asked to delay gratification. They are a veritable study in Buddhist doctrine.

4. APPETITE FOR KNOWLEDGE. Toddlers are voracious readers. Sometimes they are so voracious about it that they eat the pages of their books. Do you eat your books? And while we’re at it, when’s the last time you learned a new word? Any new word? It’s time for some introspection here. FACT: Your toddler may seem like a simpleton when he kisses the dishwasher, but he is learning more in one day than you have learned since 1997.

5. KNOW WHAT THEY WANT AND GO FOR IT. Do you fight with passion for what you want? It’s worth asking the question.

Common desires of toddlers:

  • Lick dirty objects
  • Eat out of the garbage bin
  • Touch electrical outlets
  • Dogs

Would you be willing to throw a tantrum because you weren’t allowed to, say, stick your hands in a toilet? I think not. That’s because a “strong reaction” requires commitment, which adults are sorely lacking. Keep the toddler intensity and focus in mind next time you’re going for a promotion at work. Just ask the first toddler you see for tips. It will serve you well.

6. STELLAR COMMUNICATORS. Many if not most toddlers communicate through an elaborate dance of grunts, whines, hand gestures, and strategically timed feces deliveries. A lot is said with their eyes. Also sometimes with their lips. The other day my son was babbling away in his crib and he sounded an awfully lot like an auctioneer. I can’t be sure, but I suspect he’s live streaming to a QVC affiliate.

7. NO SHAME IN THEIR GAME. Do you feel free to grab your own junk while grocery shopping?** Do you run up and down your hallways naked, thigh rolls jouncing to and fro? The toddler not only accepts his or her physique, he/she delights in it. No part of the body is off-limits, at any time. No shame in their game.

**This may be illegal in your state

8. STRONG CONVICTIONS. A toddler lives by a set of deeply held convictions typically reserved for religious converts and Amway salesmen. This belief system was discreetly implanted into your toddler’s brain by some divine combination of biology, Daniel Tiger, and a secret manifesto available only to babies on Amazon Prime. It is unflappable.

For example: 100% of toddlers are aware that possession is nine-tenths of the law. A toddler holds this and many other truths as sacred. Just try to reclaim your iPhone from a toddler who has recently gained control of it. You will see what I mean.

Toddlers know that “sharing” and “compromise” are just buzz words thrown around by hippies. They stand by their personally held belief that all objects are their objects. This is called conviction. Look it up.

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9. FREEING DISREGARD FOR SOCIAL NORMS.

“Why hello, friendly lady at the mall. I see that you’re trying to engage with me by complimenting me on being ‘such a good boy.’ Social norm dictates a response on my part. But you know what? I think I’m just going to stare blankly at you. Yeah. That’s what I’m going to do. Social norms mean nothing to me, if that wasn’t clear.”

“Why yes I am hosting a play date with some gal pals. But you know what I think I’ll do instead of be charming? Shit my pants and throw a tantrum. Boom.”

10. UNBRIDLED ENTHUSIASM. A toddler is naturally enthusiastic. This enthusiasm extends to many situations in which it is not entirely prudent, but that never stopped a self-respecting toddler anywhere. Toddlers know that zest is a trait associated with increased likelihood for college graduation. Parents: do you want your child to go to college? Ok then. Stuff your ears with cotton balls and put on a padded suit if you need to. You’re riding this crazy train and there’s no getting off.

Related post: 25 Easy Ways To Annoy A Toddler

Toddler Course Catalog: Spring 2015

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two-year-old-boyImage via Shutterstock

Following is our course schedule for the spring 2015 semester. If you are approaching two years of age, talk to your guidance counselor about how to register.

Pants and How Not to Wear Them. This beginner-level class takes you through the steps of why your parents insist on your wearing pants (something about social norms and/or cold weather) and gives you helpful tips on how to fight back.  Bicycle kicks not working?  Mediocre results with your tried and true method of shrieking, “NO PANTS!  NO PANTS! STOP, STOP, STOP IT!”?  Let our team of experts (i.e. 4-year-olds) take you through the steps of “adamant refusal.”  (Wednesdays and Fridays, 6PM-9PM)

Pulling Things off Shelves with Abandon. This class will once again be held in the campus library, much to the dismay of the librarians and custodial staff.(Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, 7PM-9PM)

Intro to Toddlerhood. New to toddlerhood?  This class allows you to get a firm grasp on the basics before pursuing a specialized course of study.  Guest speakers cover such perennial topics as: Opening cabinets full of dangerous cleaning solvents; Sneezing in the mouths of loved ones; and Goldfish Crackers: The art of competitive eating.  Master the art of smiling innocently while crushing avocado into the dog’s fur.  (Mondays and Wednesdays 12PM-4PM)

Annoying Shows and How to Constantly Ask For Them. Missing out on Calliou?  Craving a nine-hour loop of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?  Start watching what you want to watch when you want to watch it!  Back by popular demand, this course teaches someone with a vocabulary of under 70 words how to bully a full-grown adult into submission.  (One Week Intensive: Monday-Friday 1PM to 8PM)

Where to Leave Legos So That Your Parents Will Step on Them in the Dark. Hoping to cripple the two adults who’ve put their lives on hold so that you can have a meaningful childhood?  This class will give you hints on where to play (ideally right where people are trying to walk) and tips on how to casually leave toys where they’ll impale themselves in the feet of people groggily walking to the bathroom.  Legos not provided.  (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, 7PM-9PM)(Prerequisite Class:  “Where to Leave Small Matchbox Cars So That Your Parents Will Step on Them in the Dark)

Introduction to Not Sharing. Back by popular demand, spots in this class are incredibly limited and fill up quickly.  Sign up now and the space is yours and if you don’t sign up now, too bad, someone else got to the spot first and no matter how much you cry or yell that you want a spot in this class you can’t have one.No.  We’re not giving you a spot.  This is our class, you can go take a different class. (Tuesdays and Fridays, 12PM-3PM)

Walking Slowly. Class begins at 4PM and is held in a building 200 feet from campus down a road littered with interestingly-shaped sticks and little pieces of paper.  Anyone arriving on time receives a failing grade. (Wednesdays and Fridays, 4PM-6PM)

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Climbing Out Of Your Crib. Still crib bound?  This activity-intense class is perfect for the toddler who’s tired of looking at her dangling mobile and would much rather be walking around her room opening Vaseline jars or sticking ball point pens into electrical sockets.  (This could be you!)  Our instructors train you in traditional crib-departure techniques (i.e. standing on a bunch of your stuffed animals until you can get your leg over the rail) as well as answering questions such as “Does it hurt to land on a hardwood floor?” “Could I bounce out of the crib using my mattress as a trampoline?” and the perennial, “Can the mobile above my crib hold my weight and theoretically would I be able to swing out of the crib like Tarzan?”  (Wednesdays 8PM-4AM)

Intro to Food Refusals. Master the art of turning down perfectly delicious, high-quality food because “it’s touching other food on the plate” and/or “there are little green things in it.”  Let our professionally-trained in-house chefs prepare a five-course meal for you to push away, hurl on the floor, or smoosh into your hair while screaming.  (Mondays and Thursdays, 6PM-9PM)

Intermediate Art. The fact that you don’t fully understand language doesn’t mean you don’t have something to say.  This time-tested class is considered by many to be the perfect venue for encouraging self-expression using nothing but glue, permanent markers and your parents’ upholstered furniture.  (Tuesdays and Thursdays, 12PM-3PM)

Related post: 25 Easy Ways To Annoy A Toddler

Your Grown Son Won’t Poop His Pants (And Other Things To Stop Worrying About)

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toddler-pacifierImage via Shutterstock

I’m the mom of two toddlers which means I spend a lot of time worrying that my kids will never grow up. I also spend a lot of time worrying that I’m screwing up my kids, but that’s a different post altogether.

Thanks to social media and the internet and celebrities and moms at the park, I spend a lot of time feeling insecure that my kids aren’t keeping up. They should be doing more, talking more, eating more, eating less, etc. And I’ve made a decision: I’m not going to worry anymore.

And I want you, fellow parents of toddlers, to stop worrying, too. One day soon, your baby is going to grow up and they will be completely normal contributing members of society. It’s going to happen so why not take a deep breath and—yes, you guessed it— let it go. Here are just a few things we should stop worrying about today:

1. Your kid will someday learn to use the potty and won’t poop his pants forever. I’m in the process of potty training my son. He sits on the potty roughly 112 times a day with zero success. He begins peeing all over Mr. Potato Head, I rush him to the $5 IKEA potty, he sits for a second, then stands, and proclaims, “All done!” with nary a drop of urine in there. It’s frustrating, annoying, and smelly. But it won’t always be like this. Aside from a shart gone wrong, I’ve never pooped my pants as an adult and I don’t know many that have. Eventually he’ll get it and eventually I’ll be done with diapers FOREVER.

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2. Your kid will someday stop using a pacifier. How many juniors in high school do you know who use a binkie while they’re taking their SATs? My guess is not many—unless it’s a double dog dare in which case more power to them. I’m the only one who isn’t concerned that my 2.5 year old still chomps on a pacifier for most of the day and it’s because I know at some point she’ll give it up. Your child will, too.

3. Your kid will someday ask to eat something other than chicken nuggets (or frozen waffles or bananas or whatever). All of us have grown to enjoy certain foods as we, and our palettes, mature. Additionally, many of us eat our vegetables even if they’re not the tastiest simply because we know it’s the right thing and the healthy thing to do. Your child is just going through a phase and eventually the musical number you perform where the carrots and broccoli do a little dance will entice your children to eat them. There will come a day and it is coming sooner than you think.

4. Your kid will someday sleep through the night on a consistent basis. I know the hot button question at the forefront of every new parent’s mind is, “When will my baby sleep through the night?” As the mom of two toddlers I can tell you that time has not come yet. But it will for both you and me. Your kids will go to sleep at bedtime and you’ll actually have to drag them out of bed in the morning to get them ready for the day. It may not be today or tomorrow, but the day is near.

5. Your kid will someday stop wanting to sleep in your bed with you. I own a queen-sized bed and lately I get to sleep on three-inches of it a night because both kids feel it necessary to sleep as close to me as possible. Last night I woke up to my son sleeping on my head. ON MY HEAD. As exhausting as it is, though, one day I will blink and they will no longer want to share my pillow with me. I need not worry.

6. Your kid will someday learn to play by themselves. I know it’s hard to believe now, but as kids get older, they will not need you to play with them every second of every day. They will color and draw and utilize Play-Doh to make accidental phallic images. They will create stories with their dolls and make their cars crash into each other—all without your presence. Right now it feels like you can’t get anything done and you’ll never be able to get anything done, but it’s not true. Hang in there.

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7. Your kid will someday keep their clothes on. Unless nudity becomes a lifestyle for them, your child will one day learn that clothes need to stay on when they’re in public or when other people are around. As parents of teenagers know, some kids even learn to like clothes. A lot. Let the kid be naked if they want to—it means less laundry.

8. Your kid will someday stop hating bath time. Alright, this one may not be a given. Maybe your son will always hate taking a shower, but every group of friends needs a stinky kid, right?

My point is this: There’s a million things us parents tend to worry about, and by worrying we’re wasting that mental energy which could better be used to remember this sweet—albeit loud and messy—stage of life we’re in. So don’t worry so much. Your kids will grow up, sleep on their own, give up the binkie, and maybe be the smelly kid. They’ll grow up to love you, though, and that’s what matters most.

Related post: Dear Toddler, Screw Your Tantrums

Toddlers: The One Word Answer to Any Question

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Many people have pondered the question, “What is the meaning of life?” Some say it is to love others and be loved in return. Others say it is to make a million dollars on a reality show. As for me, I’m too tired from my kids sucking the life force out of me to answer that question.

What I can do for you, though, is give you an answer to many, many other questions. If you’re the mom of a running, smiling, nap-refusing, tantrum throwing little one, I can answer just about any question you ask with one word:

Toddlers.

Don’t believe me? Have you ever asked these questions?

What is that smell? Toddlers.

Why am I so tired? Toddlers.

Who took my socks? Toddlers.

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Why is there a stain on my coat? Toddlers.

Who’s in bed next to me? Toddlers.

What happened to all the Post-Its? Toddlers.

Why is there something floating in my water? Toddlers.

Why do I have to make dinner every night? Toddlers.

How did I get so many gray hairs? Toddlers.

Who ate my sandwich? Toddlers.

What do I talk about with the grocery clerk? Toddlers.

Why am I up so early? Toddlers.

Why can’t I sleep? Toddlers.

Why am I sitting here watching Super Why by myself? Toddlers.

Why is my house such a mess? Toddlers.

What is that noise? Toddlers.

Who put my hairbrush in the toilet? Toddlers.

Who peed on the couch? Toddlers.

Why is there pudding in my hair? Toddlers.

Why am I always forgetting things? Toddlers.

Who colored on the walls? Toddlers.

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Why haven’t I showered this week? Toddlers.

Why can’t I get any work done? Toddlers.

Why does my car look like a Goldfish graveyard? Toddlers.

How did a banana get in my shoe? Toddlers.

Who’s in charge of my life? Toddlers.

One word. Two syllables. The answer to almost any question you can ask. You’re welcome.

Related post: 25 Easy Ways To Annoy A Toddler