Toddler Course Catalog: Spring 2015

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Following is our course schedule for the spring 2015 semester. If you are approaching two years of age, talk to your guidance counselor about how to register.

Pants and How Not to Wear Them. This beginner-level class takes you through the steps of why your parents insist on your wearing pants (something about social norms and/or cold weather) and gives you helpful tips on how to fight back.  Bicycle kicks not working?  Mediocre results with your tried and true method of shrieking, “NO PANTS!  NO PANTS! STOP, STOP, STOP IT!”?  Let our team of experts (i.e. 4-year-olds) take you through the steps of “adamant refusal.”  (Wednesdays and Fridays, 6PM-9PM)

Pulling Things off Shelves with Abandon. This class will once again be held in the campus library, much to the dismay of the librarians and custodial staff.(Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, 7PM-9PM)

Intro to Toddlerhood. New to toddlerhood?  This class allows you to get a firm grasp on the basics before pursuing a specialized course of study.  Guest speakers cover such perennial topics as: Opening cabinets full of dangerous cleaning solvents; Sneezing in the mouths of loved ones; and Goldfish Crackers: The art of competitive eating.  Master the art of smiling innocently while crushing avocado into the dog’s fur.  (Mondays and Wednesdays 12PM-4PM)

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Annoying Shows and How to Constantly Ask For Them. Missing out on Calliou?  Craving a nine-hour loop of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?  Start watching what you want to watch when you want to watch it!  Back by popular demand, this course teaches someone with a vocabulary of under 70 words how to bully a full-grown adult into submission.  (One Week Intensive: Monday-Friday 1PM to 8PM)

Where to Leave Legos So That Your Parents Will Step on Them in the Dark. Hoping to cripple the two adults who’ve put their lives on hold so that you can have a meaningful childhood?  This class will give you hints on where to play (ideally right where people are trying to walk) and tips on how to casually leave toys where they’ll impale themselves in the feet of people groggily walking to the bathroom.  Legos not provided.  (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, 7PM-9PM)(Prerequisite Class:  “Where to Leave Small Matchbox Cars So That Your Parents Will Step on Them in the Dark)

Introduction to Not Sharing. Back by popular demand, spots in this class are incredibly limited and fill up quickly.  Sign up now and the space is yours and if you don’t sign up now, too bad, someone else got to the spot first and no matter how much you cry or yell that you want a spot in this class you can’t have one.No.  We’re not giving you a spot.  This is our class, you can go take a different class. (Tuesdays and Fridays, 12PM-3PM)

Walking Slowly. Class begins at 4PM and is held in a building 200 feet from campus down a road littered with interestingly-shaped sticks and little pieces of paper.  Anyone arriving on time receives a failing grade. (Wednesdays and Fridays, 4PM-6PM)

Climbing Out Of Your Crib. Still crib bound?  This activity-intense class is perfect for the toddler who’s tired of looking at her dangling mobile and would much rather be walking around her room opening Vaseline jars or sticking ball point pens into electrical sockets.  (This could be you!)  Our instructors train you in traditional crib-departure techniques (i.e. standing on a bunch of your stuffed animals until you can get your leg over the rail) as well as answering questions such as “Does it hurt to land on a hardwood floor?” “Could I bounce out of the crib using my mattress as a trampoline?” and the perennial, “Can the mobile above my crib hold my weight and theoretically would I be able to swing out of the crib like Tarzan?”  (Wednesdays 8PM-4AM)

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Intro to Food Refusals. Master the art of turning down perfectly delicious, high-quality food because “it’s touching other food on the plate” and/or “there are little green things in it.”  Let our professionally-trained in-house chefs prepare a five-course meal for you to push away, hurl on the floor, or smoosh into your hair while screaming.  (Mondays and Thursdays, 6PM-9PM)

Intermediate Art. The fact that you don’t fully understand language doesn’t mean you don’t have something to say.  This time-tested class is considered by many to be the perfect venue for encouraging self-expression using nothing but glue, permanent markers and your parents’ upholstered furniture.  (Tuesdays and Thursdays, 12PM-3PM)

Related post: 25 Easy Ways To Annoy A Toddler

Toddlers: The One Word Answer to Any Question

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Many people have pondered the question, “What is the meaning of life?” Some say it is to love others and be loved in return. Others say it is to make a million dollars on a reality show. As for me, I’m too tired from my kids sucking the life force out of me to answer that question.

What I can do for you, though, is give you an answer to many, many other questions. If you’re the mom of a running, smiling, nap-refusing, tantrum throwing little one, I can answer just about any question you ask with one word:

Toddlers.

Don’t believe me? Have you ever asked these questions?

What is that smell? Toddlers.

Why am I so tired? Toddlers.

Who took my socks? Toddlers.

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Why is there a stain on my coat? Toddlers.

Who’s in bed next to me? Toddlers.

What happened to all the Post-Its? Toddlers.

Why is there something floating in my water? Toddlers.

Why do I have to make dinner every night? Toddlers.

How did I get so many gray hairs? Toddlers.

Who ate my sandwich? Toddlers.

What do I talk about with the grocery clerk? Toddlers.

Why am I up so early? Toddlers.

Why can’t I sleep? Toddlers.

Why am I sitting here watching Super Why by myself? Toddlers.

Why is my house such a mess? Toddlers.

What is that noise? Toddlers.

Who put my hairbrush in the toilet? Toddlers.

Who peed on the couch? Toddlers.

Why is there pudding in my hair? Toddlers.

Why am I always forgetting things? Toddlers.

Who colored on the walls? Toddlers.

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Why haven’t I showered this week? Toddlers.

Why can’t I get any work done? Toddlers.

Why does my car look like a Goldfish graveyard? Toddlers.

How did a banana get in my shoe? Toddlers.

Who’s in charge of my life? Toddlers.

One word. Two syllables. The answer to almost any question you can ask. You’re welcome.

Related post: 25 Easy Ways To Annoy A Toddler

10 Ways Having a Toddler is Like Living in Poltergeist

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Poltergeist

10. Items reappear out of place mere seconds after you’ve put them away.

9. In the dark, you sense an unwelcome presence in your room.

8. You frequently resist the urge to run screaming from your own home.

7. You’re never really alone.

6. You can’t escape the voices calling your name.

5. You could have sworn you just turned that light off.

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4. The TV has more power over your child than you do.

3. You’re often terrified by what you find under the bed.

2. A very small person keeps telling you what to do, and strangely, you keep listening.

1. You know that the only way you’ll get any peace is a hotel room clear across town.

Related post: 50 Reasons Your Toddler Might Be Awake Right Now

Your Grown Son Won’t Poop His Pants (And Other Things To Stop Worrying About)

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I’m the mom of two toddlers which means I spend a lot of time worrying that my kids will never grow up. I also spend a lot of time worrying that I’m screwing up my kids, but that’s a different post altogether.

Thanks to social media and the internet and celebrities and moms at the park, I spend a lot of time feeling insecure that my kids aren’t keeping up. They should be doing more, talking more, eating more, eating less, etc. And I’ve made a decision: I’m not going to worry anymore.

And I want you, fellow parents of toddlers, to stop worrying, too. One day soon, your baby is going to grow up and they will be completely normal contributing members of society. It’s going to happen so why not take a deep breath and—yes, you guessed it— let it go. Here are just a few things we should stop worrying about today:

1. Your kid will someday learn to use the potty and won’t poop his pants forever. I’m in the process of potty training my son. He sits on the potty roughly 112 times a day with zero success. He begins peeing all over Mr. Potato Head, I rush him to the $5 IKEA potty, he sits for a second, then stands, and proclaims, “All done!” with nary a drop of urine in there. It’s frustrating, annoying, and smelly. But it won’t always be like this. Aside from a shart gone wrong, I’ve never pooped my pants as an adult and I don’t know many that have. Eventually he’ll get it and eventually I’ll be done with diapers FOREVER.

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2. Your kid will someday stop using a pacifier. How many juniors in high school do you know who use a binkie while they’re taking their SATs? My guess is not many—unless it’s a double dog dare in which case more power to them. I’m the only one who isn’t concerned that my 2.5 year old still chomps on a pacifier for most of the day and it’s because I know at some point she’ll give it up. Your child will, too.

3. Your kid will someday ask to eat something other than chicken nuggets (or frozen waffles or bananas or whatever). All of us have grown to enjoy certain foods as we, and our palettes, mature. Additionally, many of us eat our vegetables even if they’re not the tastiest simply because we know it’s the right thing and the healthy thing to do. Your child is just going through a phase and eventually the musical number you perform where the carrots and broccoli do a little dance will entice your children to eat them. There will come a day and it is coming sooner than you think.

4. Your kid will someday sleep through the night on a consistent basis. I know the hot button question at the forefront of every new parent’s mind is, “When will my baby sleep through the night?” As the mom of two toddlers I can tell you that time has not come yet. But it will for both you and me. Your kids will go to sleep at bedtime and you’ll actually have to drag them out of bed in the morning to get them ready for the day. It may not be today or tomorrow, but the day is near.

5. Your kid will someday stop wanting to sleep in your bed with you. I own a queen-sized bed and lately I get to sleep on three-inches of it a night because both kids feel it necessary to sleep as close to me as possible. Last night I woke up to my son sleeping on my head. ON MY HEAD. As exhausting as it is, though, one day I will blink and they will no longer want to share my pillow with me. I need not worry.

6. Your kid will someday learn to play by themselves. I know it’s hard to believe now, but as kids get older, they will not need you to play with them every second of every day. They will color and draw and utilize Play-Doh to make accidental phallic images. They will create stories with their dolls and make their cars crash into each other—all without your presence. Right now it feels like you can’t get anything done and you’ll never be able to get anything done, but it’s not true. Hang in there.

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7. Your kid will someday keep their clothes on. Unless nudity becomes a lifestyle for them, your child will one day learn that clothes need to stay on when they’re in public or when other people are around. As parents of teenagers know, some kids even learn to like clothes. A lot. Let the kid be naked if they want to—it means less laundry.

8. Your kid will someday stop hating bath time. Alright, this one may not be a given. Maybe your son will always hate taking a shower, but every group of friends needs a stinky kid, right?

My point is this: There’s a million things us parents tend to worry about, and by worrying we’re wasting that mental energy which could better be used to remember this sweet—albeit loud and messy—stage of life we’re in. So don’t worry so much. Your kids will grow up, sleep on their own, give up the binkie, and maybe be the smelly kid. They’ll grow up to love you, though, and that’s what matters most.

Related post: Dear Toddler, Screw Your Tantrums

25 Easy Ways To Annoy A Toddler

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If you have kids, you will at one time or another have this irrational creature living in your house called a toddler. They are hilarious and cute and very easily annoyed. Here are just some of the many ways that you can annoy a toddler…

1. Put jeans on them.

2. Hold them too tight or too loose.

3. Put salad on their plate.

4. Display affection for any of the other children in your house.

5. Don’t let them ride you like a horsey while you are attempting to do Granny push-ups on the floor.

6. Not stare into their eyes with complete focus while they are learning to use the potty.

7. Try to stand at the end of the one slide at the park that will launch them ten feet into the air, because clearly you didn’t stand there for their brother so you won’t be standing there for them, either.

8. Try to ever wear your new fancy shoes because you made the mistake of letting them try the shoes on once, so now the shoes are theirs.

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9. Look sternly in their direction.

10. Don’t let them push those tiny carts in the grocery store when you just can’t bring yourself to deal with the drama that day.

11. Let the other kids in the house get on the bus to go to school.

12. Don’t let them talk to Grandma on the phone. For hours. And by talking I mean staring at the phone and smiling while Grandma and you both try desperately to get one word out of them.

13. Don’t let them look at themselves on your phone while you are trying to take a picture of them.

14. Not kiss the exact right spot where they injured themselves. Even if it’s their butt.

15. Suggest that it’s almost time to go to bed or put clothes on or eat lunch. Suggest anything, really.

16. Don’t let them drink out of every water fountain in every library and every airport on the planet.

17. Hold a baby.

18. Give them other food besides yogurt or crackers or noodles.

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19. Go to a different room in the house without taking them with you. Or even warning them that this was about to happen.

20. Forget that they need to sit on your lap all day on Wednesdays.

21. Try to teach them how to zip a zipper.

22. Strap them into their carseat on Tuesdays.

23. Say mean things to them, like, you need to wear shoes or you can’t go outside.

24. Forget that, since you allowed them to help push the buttons on the washer that one time, this is now their job and you must never touch the buttons again.

And finally….

25. Not help them when they specifically asked you not to help and now they are irreversibly stuck in their sweatshirt or underpants.

Related post: The 10 Dumbest Things I’ve Said to My Toddlers