Religion is always something that I have struggled with. I went to a Jewish day school until eighth grade, but once I was Bat Mitzvahed, I pretty much abandoned the whole thing. While I love the customs of Judaism, the religion aspect has just never really clicked with me. I think I’m just too cynical.
Despite both being Jewish, Jeff and I were married by a Justice of the Peace. We I felt strongly that since religion played no part in our life, it would be hypocritical to have the vows spoken by a rabbi. We I wanted our wedding to be all about our looooooove, and Judaism just didn’t play a part at the time. Our families were not on board with this decision. Not that it mattered.
But kids have a way of changing things, don’t they? I want them to understand their roots and be able to choose for themselves what to believe in. We began looking at new schools in the midst of the Great Nanny Incident of 2010. The experience made me fiercely defensive of my religion, and we voted to send the kids to a Jewish day school just like the one I grew up in. While I love the familiarity and coziness of it, it’s raising issues that I’m not sure how to handle.
Last week, Ben asked me if God made the sun. I told him that if that’s what he believed then, yes. As any four year old would, he followed it up asking me what I believe. I told him that I wasn’t exactly sure, but that I believe in love and that nothing makes me happier than my children. (Try to suppress the gagging, please.)
A few days later, we were sitting at the dinner table. The boys were (miraculously) eating chicken and broccoli while Lily sat poking her food. I informed her that if she did not eat her dinner, she would not get dessert and pointed out how well the boys were eating.
“Mommy, I believe that God makes all of us different and that’s ok. Ben and Evan can like chicken but I don’t have to. That’s what God wanted and that’s what I believe. You don’t even know what you believe.”
And, I don’t, other than that she should stop being so fresh and eat her damn dinner. I don’t know how to answer their questions on religion and God and existence. Worst of all, there are no right answers. And, I’m having a really tough time with it.
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