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Scary Mommy Confessions

Confession #197127

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  • I always scream, "no screaming!"

  • Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is the most excellent babysitter.

  • DH and I haven't has sex in two years and I'm starting to realize that I don't really miss it. I like the idea of sex, but not actually having it. I'd rather watch porn.

  • Our third baby is due next week and I have no idea where we are going to live. She isn't even born yet and I am already failing her.

  • I "trapped" my boyfriend by having his baby and we just found out our son has autism. I love him to pieces but I can't help but feel like karma's a bitch.

  • My kid ate his lunch out of a 21 day fix container. It sure fixed my need to buy nonbreakable for the baby.

  • About to have dinner with my parents. Chugging two glasses of wine in preparation....

  • Just at Target, tried on some size 8 shorts - looked like shit, too tight, but can't stand the thought of buying size 10. So of course I'm in the parking lot eating Reese's cups.

  • My cat has been with me for 12 years (my entire adult life). I seriously think she's the only being on the planet that totally gets me

  • I keep weed in my diaper bag. Social anxiety + play dates = awful small talk with other moms

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