Scary Mommy Confessions

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Confession #197158

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  • I consider myself a nice person. But if you're hogging the entire aisle at Costco while nattering on your cell phone, I WILL CUT YOU.
  • In the shower today I began writing a parody of St. Francis's "Let Me Be a Channel of Your Peace" named "Let Me Take a Poop In Some Peace", while children were yelling for me. Yes, it has been that kind of month.
  • When I'm bored, I entertain myself with weird thoughts. Today's weird thought is "Do thong strings vibrate and make sounds like vocal cords when you fart on them? Is the sound higher pitched if your thong is smaller?"
  • I didn't make a big, gaudy, public production out of proposing to DW - in order to avoid public humiliation if she said "no". 26 years later, she still holds it against me that I didn't "think she was worth the risk"
  • I had a miscarriage with my ex that my family ignored - and now that my brother and his wife and trying for the "first" grandchild all I want to do is punch them in their smug faces.
  • My toddler asked me yesterday if, when she grows up, can she play with cigarettes just like me.
  • My kid just screamed for 1 hr 7 minutes. Now he gets an 8 minute nap before it's time to wake him up. Good job kid.
  • I wish my butthole looked like the porn stars; and I wish I liked anal because it looks so hot! I've done it with previous smaller shlong'ed men and it was just okay; too painful with large dong'ed husband...
  • We're living in my H's home country. I don't yet speak the language and H is 'too busy' to spend any time with me. I've never been more alone in my entire life.
  • Terrified to have sex again after baby (bad delivery), afraid that if I don't DH will go somewhere else :'(
  • I recently stole a book from a giant retailer. Just walked out with it because I could. I think I'm more shocked that I don't feel really guilty about it than the fact I actually did it.
  • I'm starting to hate my H. I never loved him, but at least I used to like him. Now, not so much. Going to stay for the baby, and just hope it gets better.
  • Dh hides shit from me about him and other women, because he doesn't want me to get pissed off at him. He really doesn't understand why I don't trust him.
  • I have so much social anxiety I think I might need drugs to be normal. I had Ativan once for a dental procedure I felt like I was cool and funny and interesting. I enjoyed the heck out of talking to people. I want that again.
  • I'm a CPA, but I'm taking medical coding classes because I have nothing to do at work and I still don't know what I want to do with my life at 30.

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