I have a 1-year-old daughter named Aspen, and let me tell you, she is really cute and sweet. However, she also does some crazy, irrational crap that makes me question her sanity. If an adult attempted one of her crazy stunts, they would be institutionalized—no doubt about it. Here are a few examples:
1. Eating Poop
Last week I was playing soccer in the front yard with my 8-year-old son. Aspen was playing in the grass, when she found a sliver of cat poop and stuck it in her mouth. The really scary part was that I was more grossed out by this than her, which really shouldn’t be the case considering I wasn’t the one eating poop. It took a good amount of effort to wrestle the turd out of her mouth (she fought me the whole time). She then became inconsolable, and I ended up comforting her: “It’s OK, dear. Calm down.” Strange words to tell someone after they’ve eaten poop. Honestly, if I were to eat cat poop, I’d appreciate it if you checked me into a hospital. But with my 1-year-old, I just cleaned out her mouth, washed her hands, and had a good laugh.
2. Sleep Deprivation
My toddler is a no-napper. She gets up in the night and screams for no reason. Then she acts irrational during the day, crying out in frustration and speaking in an angry frustrated nonsensical language. She points at things, and screams, and when I can’t figure out what she wants, she falls to the floor and cries. Imagine if I did that in the office?
3. Poop Art
Sometimes toddlers stick their hand in their poopy diaper and draw with their own feces. If this isn’t a reason to commit someone, I don’t know what is.
4. Irrational Screaming
If the toddler wants a cup of water, she screams. If she’s poopy, she screams. If she wants to play with my smart phone, she screams. If she’s happy, she screams. Sad? Scream. Her primary form of communication is screaming. It is a blunt fist of a communication method that keeps me on edge and always results in more questions than answers. I’ve thought about using this method in work meetings or when trying to get a point across to my wife, but realize that while it would get attention, it would probably not help my marriage or career prospects.
5. Not Potty-Trained
While I feel confident that my toddler is capable of using the toilet, she shows no interest in it. She is happy to just go in her pants and then has the audacity to ask someone to change her. While, as an adult, I would kill for this kind of service, it simply doesn’t line up with social standards. If you can use a toilet, you should. I mean honestly, let’s say I was at Target shopping, and rather than walk to the restroom, I just hunkered down, went red-faced, and crapped my pants, then cried, and insisted that one of those poor teens in a red shirt change my butt. Sounds like a good way to get removed from the store and admitted to a hospital.
The toddler has a biting problem. Enough said.
7. Irrational Face-Touching
The toddler has a thing with touching people’s faces. Sometimes it is a tender touch. Sometimes she tugs at my lips or sticks her hand in my eyes or mouth. Generally, the hand is wet with boogers or drool. The strange thing is, if a stranger reached in my mouth without provocation, I would flip. I might even throw a punch. But with my toddler, it is a heartfelt act of compassion. It seems to be her way of saying, “I like you.”
All things considered, I think we’ll be just fine, assuming this all passes by the time we’re out of the toddler years.
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