Dear Houseguests: I’m Sorry – Scary Mommy

Dear Houseguests: I’m Sorry

Dear houseguests,

Thank you for being brave enough to visit a home that is inhabited by a teething baby, a “threenager,” and two tired parents. I obviously like you, otherwise I wouldn’t be inviting you to stay at my house. And because I enjoy your company and hope you’ll return again someday, let me apologize for a few things that may have made your visit – how should I say it – different than if you had dropped $100 on the Comfort Inn down the road.

I’m sorry my toddler woke you up by stomping around the living room singing “The Wheels on the Bus.” Extra sorry this occurred at 6 a.m. on a Saturday.

I’m sorry the only yogurt we have is in the form of a push-up tube and cotton-candy flavored.

I’m sorry that you were startled in the middle of the night when you went to the bathroom and sat down on a potty chair insert that started playing a Disney princess jingle. I know, the sound of a swooshing magic fairy wand can be quite alarming.

I’m sorry that my toddler put stickers on every visible area of your skin – including leg hair, eyelids, and cleavage.

I’m sorry the house was dusty. I only had time to complete one chore before your arrival, and the vacuum won. Next time, be prepared for clean, shiny surfaces, but crumbs on the floor.

I’m sorry you were exposed to a naked, small human for a good portion of your visit. It’s called potty training.

I’m sorry that we had to go out to eat at 4 p.m. before the restaurant fills up with patrons who will judge me for my toddler eating spoonfuls of ketchup and my baby dropping food on the floor. In the future, remind me to order takeout.

I’m sorry that the baby’s screaming woke you up in the middle of the night. We practice “cry it out.” (Sorry not sorry.)

I’m sorry our adult conversation must take place in whispers once the kids are asleep. #lightestsleepersever.

I’m sorry one of you has to eat standing up since two of our chairs are occupied by a booster and baby seat.

I’m sorry that you’re probably going to come down with a cold after your visit due to the fact that my kids are regularly infected with what we unaffectionately call “The Daycare Special.”

Yes, a pre-kids home is quite different from a post-kids home. But regardless of the changes and challenges, I hope you remember that you’re always welcome to stay at our house. Even if it means you’ll have little privacy and little sleep … but a lot of love.