Dear Husband, Turn Off Your F*cking ALarm

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Dear Husband, Turn Off Your F*cking ALarm

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Dear Husband:

I understand that you leave every morning to work hard for our family. You go out into the world, braving the elements, being forced to actually talk to people, so I can stay inside with our children and work from home. I know I don’t tell you this enough, but I honestly and truly appreciate all that you do, all of the long hours you put in to keep a roof over our heads and food in our fridge. Thank you so, so much.

Just one thing while I’m talking to you though. Can you please turn off your fucking alarm clock in the morning? Jesus christ.

I get it. You’re tired. Neither of us have slept well since the kids were born, and you’re exhausted. But that’s not my fault. It’s not my fault that you stayed up too late watching Tosh.0 on YouTube instead of going to bed at a decent hour. It’s not my fault that you drank four glasses of water before bed and had to get up to pee every hour. It’s not my fault that you’re so tired from staying up so late, and yet, I’m the one who’s suffering every morning.

I can handle it going off once. It blares, you sleepily hit snooze, and I can go back to sleep 99% of the time. But then it goes off again. And again another eight minutes later and again and again until I’m so filled with “I’ve been woken up too early” rage that I won’t be able to sleep again for weeks — especially if I’m put in jail for smothering you in your sleep for not turning off your stupid alarm. Sometimes, when I get lucky and the kids don’t wake me up before dawn, I like to sleep a little extra. I can’t do that if classic rock comes screaming from your side of the bed seven times before you finally drag your ass into the shower.

And speaking of the kids, remember how they climb into our bed almost every night? And you know how grumpy they are when they get woken up before they’re ready? (They’re like their mother that way.) Well, buddy, when you don’t just get up when your alarm goes off the first time, our kids wake up. And then they wake me up. And none of us are happy about it, and you get to leave and go to work while the rest of us stay home and hate each other because we’re tired.

Do you not realize how much sleep you are missing out on? If you are going to sleep an extra 40 minutes, then sleep. Set your alarm later, and catch some extra zzz’s.

I’m not a hotel clerk, so I’m not going to be the one to give you a wake-up call. Or bring you room service. Or even lovingly rub your back to gently wake you in a kinder, more gentler way than an alarm clock does. I’m just a woman who hasn’t slept in five years, and I just want you to get the hell out of bed on your own when your alarm goes off the first time.

You feel better when you do it. We all feel better when you do it. Please. If you love me and my sanity and the well-being of your children, figure your shit out and stop hitting the snooze button 43 times. Thanks, babe.