Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy
@scarymommy
Latest posts by Jill Smokler, AKA Scary Mommy (see all)
- The Disney Reveal - May 14, 2013
- Met My Match At Disney… - May 13, 2013
- Sunday’s Baltimore Sun - May 11, 2013
I’ve been kind of a my wits’ end lately. The pressure of working full-time, the move, getting the kids settled in their new neighborhood and school, trying to get the house all set up… It’s just all taken its toll on me and I am totally and completely spent.
So, we’re looking for some help for a few hours in the afternoon, you know, so I don’t need to be picking up the kids while attempting to participate on a conference call with 15 other people. It’s not the most effective way of working and as great as it is to have them all in school for the day, it’s just not enough. Last week, I began making my Mary Poppins style wish list of all the things I’d like in a helper and I realized that I’m not looking for a sitter at all. I’m looking for a wife.
While I used to cringe at the idea of polygamy, I’m beginning to think that it’s really where it’s at. First of all, I’ve always wanted a sister, so that alone would be a blast. There would be a majority rule in favor of all cheesy movies from the 80s and Top Chef over The Soup. We’d have the best skin, thanks to our nightly face masks and our toes would always be freshly painted. She’d braid my hair while I craft friendship bracelets out of gimp. It’d be like a never ending slumber party, and it would be awesome.
Responsibilities would be shared around the house: Appeasing a needy husband, grocery shopping, laundry, lunch making… It wouldn’t be so bad with only half as much to do. There would be somebody to ohh and ahh over my cooking and help clean up the dishes to boot. And with two wives for Jeff, someone would always be in the mood. Or, at least in more of one.
Of course, my sister-wife would have to be attractive (I’d rather not look at a dog all day,) but certainly not hot– who wants the competition? Ideally, she would be barren, because although I need help with my own offspring, I’m not too keen on other people’s kids.
But, she’d get to be part of my super duper family and all of the deep fulfillment that comes with that. Which is simply priceless. It would be a win-win for all and I’m accepting applications immediately. I expect the response to be tremendous.
{ 82 comments… read them below or add one }
OR perhaps just you and some hot Mannys.
.-= Ann’s Rants´s last blog ..My 8th grade vocal recital: I am not going to cry this time =-.
Eh, I thought of that, but I don’t want another man around the house. And I really like my hair played with.
My husband and I joke about this every time we watch Big Love. I don’t even care if she wants kids; I like babies. I’d just like her to be less attractive than I am and very rich. A girl can dream, right?
.-= Jerseygirl´s last blog ..Sex Toys, TV and Preschool =-.
Now might be time to respond to one of those Russian brides spamming your blog.
Does your husband look like Bill Paxton? If so, I know, um, someone who might be interested …
.-= Stacia´s last blog ..It Takes a Pit Crew =-.
That would be a no.
*smacking self on forehead* Another wife! That’s what is needed around here too. It would be great to have another female around here to help out – and to balance out the estrogen/testostorone levels – since I’m currently out numbered.
.-= Gigi´s last blog ..Will she stay? Or will she go? =-.
OMG, this is brilliant! I need one, too!
.-= Gibby´s last blog ..I Swear I’m Not =-.
Every single time my sister stays the weekend with me I have the same thought. Another person to cook while I keep the kids occupied or someone to run around in the car while I accomplish something in the house sounds heavenly. Granted, I have a somewhat touchy history with polygamy, so I probably shouldn’t even go there. Yes, my great-great-great-great grandpa was a polygamist. :) He lived long and happy!
.-= Lolli´s last blog ..I’m Celebrating By Giving Away a Photo Book! =-.
Sounds great, but in reality, I’d probably get just as much done. I felt like I was so, so busy with my first child – almost as busy as I feel now with four! Some aspects of polygamy are appealing for sure – like having someone to talk with about every little detail of life – all day. My husband is gone so much that I’m sure people run when they see me coming because they know I am so desperate for someone to talk to, and I will talk their ears off!
.-= Liz´s last blog .."Momnesia" =-.
Soooooo… what does Jeff think of your idea? ;)
.-= Shannon´s last blog ..Conversations in the Car: Vol. VIII =-.
Not sure yet, but I doubt he would argue. :)
girl i love you. i would totally apply for this because i think you and your family are just so hot. so fucking hot. i would love to cook for you because i need to cook for someone who will shower me with gratitude, appreciation and let’s not forget (what all chefs love) COMPLIMENTS.
.-= vanillasugar´s last blog ..giveaway time! =-.
That’s a great idea! My son would love it too, as I’ve been re-labelled “mean mommy” this week so I think he’s in search of “nice mommy”.
.-= Naomi´s last blog ..Heatlhy tips =-.
Heck with a wife, I want a mommy! I don’t want to share my chores, I want someone to do them for me! I want my mommy to cook, clean, shuttle the kids around…wait, maybe I do want a wife. I’m so confused…
.-= Shawntel´s last blog ..Reason 1,458,932 Why I Love Colorado! =-.
ditto to everything you said. i am so mad when careers boom during baby raising time. what the hell is that all about? i just had a day where i feel like i am going to crack and i am SO glad to hear i have a buddy! not that i wish you ill – but misery loves company!
That is sooo what I need. My husband is gone all the time, and the kids lately have been terrorizing me. It would be perfect. Either that or I need a clone.
.-= Lesa Rumbalski´s last blog ..I Love You Day =-.
I’ve been saying I want a wife for years! Wouldn’t it be perfect? I really see no downside. I love the barren bit, I hadn’t thought of that. I would love someone else around the house who can dress the baby without doing really weird things like putting a onesie on top of footie pjs, all under a nightgown.
.-= Allison´s last blog ..Room Sharing Update =-.
Just have your mom move in with you…hahahaha!
I would like to throw my hat in the ring. Since I am already married to a Jeff the transition would be no problem.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..If I Were to be a Reality TV Star =-.
OMG…this is freaking hysterical. I need a wife too, but mine would have to be slightly uglier than I. Either that or have an off odor emanating from her!
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..A Whole Lot of This In Our House Lately… =-.
It is a pretty brilliant idea. I do like Ann’s idea of hot manny’s too. haha.
.-= Molly´s last blog ..The result of birthday shindig #2 and #3. =-.
As wack-a-freakin-doodoo as my kids and husband have been lately, I’m considering putting in an application for this position. Do you provide snacks? I need a job with like really good snackage. It’s my ONE requirement.
.-= parenting BY dummies´s last blog ..Thank Me Later Thursday. Rules for Happy Families. =-.
My husband was just complaining that there are never any snacks in this house. BUT, that could easily fall under my sister-wife’s responsibilities, so we should be good.
I say this probably once a week: I want/need an Alice. And if she had a butcher boyfriend, that would be super awesome, too, because mama likes her steak.
.-= Cara´s last blog ..Fears =-.
Ohhhh, I’d love an Alice. And a Sam. That would be awesome- if the kids misbehave, I could just threaten that I’d send them to the butcher downstairs!
Or maybe one of those robots from The Jetsons.
P.S. Maybe it’s lame, but I so love your blog and your pics so I tagged you in a photo meme if you’d like to participate:
.-= Doing the Mom Thing´s last blog ..The Rocking Chair =-.
Oh Jill. Have you thought about polygamy of the husband-variety? I’m not sure the real name for that but I’m sure you could find a stay-at-home dad. But then that’d be more taxing on you in the bedroom area. nevermind. go with the wife. lol
.-= S Club Mama´s last blog ..UPrinting Thank You Cards (WINNER) =-.
That is the funniest shit ever!!
And…I have to admit…I love that trashy show Big Love. I don’t know what it is…but I love it. Unfortunately we no longer have HBO so I guess I’m gonna have to break down and rent them at Blockbuster someday.
:-)
Ta Ta
Megan
.-= Megan´s last blog ..A List A Mile Long…and My Quest for One Coke a Day =-.
Heehee. I’d sign up, but I have my own kiddo. Come to think of it, I might just start taking applications for my own wife. Hmmmm, what should the ad say?
.-= Allison´s last blog ..10 Little Things that Lead to a Happier, Healthier You =-.
So funny, make sure she calls you boss lady! We love big love, and Im dying to watch the last season. I got cheap and canceled the HBO, can’t wait til it comes out!
Yes, of course. I would have to be head wife. Obviously. :)
I know the response WILL be overwhelming. Who wouldn’t want to braid your hair? That was the clincher for me :) Hair braiding… I mean, the hemp friendship bracelets would be a nice touch as well, but the hair braiding, that is just over the top fantastical!
.-= Life with Kaishon´s last blog ..ching-a chang-a Change-a =-.
A Rosie the Robot would be great except I don’t think she could take care of the man when I have a “headache.” Alice would be perfect…she’s not as cute as me and a better cook, i’m sure. I could definitely do the househusband thing if Bill Paxton (or a look-a-like) was involved! But I definitely need a wife who has already raised a 15-year-old son and NOT killed him! Please let me know if you hear of any!
I have always thought another wife to do the stay at home stuff would be nice. :)
.-= Alecia´s last blog ..No Crying at This Party =-.
LOL. I have been saying for years that I need a wife.
.-= Susie @newdaynewlesson´s last blog ..Happiness Knows No Limits =-.
I already have two wives, they are calles ‘mother’ and ‘mother in law’. Seriously my mom mows my lawn and the mil sometimes does the windows. I never asked, they just do it. God, I love them!
You should consider getting a house-gay. It takes care of most all of it, including the hair braiding and stroking. And only teeny, tiny, barely-perceptible changes in thinking for Jeff.
Yes, that would work equally as well. I stand corrected.
I need a wife too! We could maybe set up a sort of relationships-online service for this? “Must be hard working, great at reading bedtime stories and a whiz in the kitchen. Clean driver’s license a must.”
.-= Nan´s last blog ..Is It Thursday Already?? =-.
LOL! I never thought polygamy was good until I read your post. Now, I’m giving it some serious thought!
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..How to tell if you’re self-centered =-.
I always say every woman needs a wife. Just sharing the responsibility of unloading the dish washer would be worth it!!!
OK, this is WEIRD. Right before coming here I saw on MSN all the celebs who are chopping off their hair. One was Jennifer Goodwin and they referenced her being the 3rd wife in Big Love, which I never heard of. So when I pull up your post and see that pic of her I knew it had to be from Big Love. Isn’t that strange how that happens?????
Now about your post, hilarious! It may be just as easy wishing for another you. That would be cool.
.-= Live.Love.Eat´s last blog ..Banana-Nutella Galette =-.
P.S. I know your NUTS for Nutella so I thought of you when I created the dessert in my most recent post. You do recall I had never really heard of the stuff until you posted of it over a year ago!?
.-= Live.Love.Eat´s last blog ..Banana-Nutella Galette =-.
–>You have an excellent point on needing a wife over a nanny. So true!
.-= WebSavvyMom´s last blog ..Flashback Friday (Part 55) – When We Were Young =-.
Okay this was way beyond hilarious! Love the idea and you are right about needing a wife! I’m with Shawntel! Just gimme somebody to do it all! LOL! Love that you are so candid and honest :) Fun post!
.-= Christie – The ChatterBox´s last blog ..I’m Bringing Up The Rear! Who’s With Me? #RaceRelax #RunWifeyRun =-.
It sounds great, but I am such a freeken control freak! I would blow a gasget if a sister wife gave my kids pretzles on dance days when everyone knows you eat trail mix on practice days! Also I don’t want my husband to realize I could be working harder in the bedroom, keep him happy and in the dark!
Hmmmm… that’s true. Should would have to be a bad lay. But, better than nothing.
That does seem like a good solution, doesn’t it? Either that, or we all need to go back to our agrarian ways, where families lived in clans so there were always actual aunts or sisters or kissing cousins to help…
.-= amber´s last blog ..Proof That Food is Love. =-.
If I may be so bold as to offer a few helpful interview questions for prospective candidates as my fertility automatically disqualifies me.
1. Rate your libido on a scale of 1-10.
I think a 5 would be good as you need a pinch hitter. No Ice Queens, but you’re also not looking for Kendra Wilkinson either.
2. What’s your shoe size?
The ideal sister wife would obviously be within a half shoe size
3. How are you at giving foot massages?
This is a practical exercise to make sure that she completely understands the contract she is entering with you. foot massage = foot massage.
.-= Poppy´s last blog ..Step Right Up Tonya Harding 10 Hubcaps for 911 Can I Help You? =-.
HA! I love these- perfect. And good call on the shoes. And, she’d have to have awesome jewelry and handbags to borrow.
I think that if we had another wife around here, I would be in the mood more.
Maybe I’ll just have my sister move in and forgo her life in favor of mine…
And then my husband and I could get to it. I’d have no competition for my husband’s affections. AND the dishes would be done.
Too bad I didn’t get the spinster sister…
.-= Alex´s last blog ..On Our Next Date He Asks How I Want To Die. We’ve Been Together Ever Since. =-.
Lol!! Now that you put it that way, it’s a brilliant idea — as long as she understands that I have full control over the decorating of the house. :D
.-= Fire Wife Katie´s last blog ..Sweet Pea Salsa =-.
I think you are on to something. I may start accepting applications for another wife too if it means sharing doing laundry and grocery shopping. I’ll pay her in friendship bracelets!
.-= Complicated Mama´s last blog ..Forget “The Situation”, I went to highschool with “The Lesson”- apparently. =-.
Awesome post and oh so true. I was once musing with my best friend that I needed my own personal assistant but after listing all the things I wanted this person to do, she said what I needed was a wife! Hmm, maybe if we pitched mulit-wifes as a female empowerment thing, it would catch on. I am so tired of being all the things I can be.
Keep up the awesome posts.
I’ve found that getting rid of a husband and gaining a boyfriend makes all the difference in the world. He’s always on his best behavior. And when my Mom starts to nag that I won’t marry, all I have to say is, “But he does dishes; Why would I go and ruin that with marriage?”
Now….if I could just figure out how to work this magic on the children!
omg i told my husband about a month ago that i truly need a sister wife. and at this point i’m so desperate that i’d even let her sleep with him. my rules were that she had to be uglier than me though LOL. too insecure for that. but yes, the idea of Big Love and sister wives needs to be a reality in my house!
.-= Becky @TheRealBecks´s last blog ..All around me =-.
First of all- I LOVE Big Love. However, I could never share my husband, I am possessive like that. BUT, it is a great idea, the sister-wife thing. How about a sister-live in nanny instead? Then you could definitely keep your 1st/head wife status!
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..You know you have a problem when… =-.
WHOA! I do not like this post. You have a close as you will ever get to a sister already and I don’t want the competition.
Jessica,
You already are sister wife number 1. We’re just looking for a few more hands on deck.
I would gladly take the job if I lived even remotely close.
Why I am not being considered for this role? I do believe that I even interviewed personally for the job back in March.
Let me know if I should put together a list of my strengths and/or resume. You should also know that I am a damn fine cook and lover of Bravo TV.
.-= Mayhem and Moxie´s last blog ..Art for the Artistically Challenged =-.
Good grief woman you’ve got a lot on your plate! Your idea sounds like a plan to me. Let us know how that works out for you. ;)
Oh my god, I LOVE me some Big Love! I BIG LOVE IT!
Alas, I do not qualify to be your sister wife :o( I would fight you to watch The Soup and I am really hoping I’m not barren. But only time will tell in that department, lol. And MY husband would probably get mad at me for making out with YOUR husband.
Damn.
.-= Lessons in Life and Light´s last blog ..Two Truths & a Lie =-.
I think this is directly related to # of years married and # of kids. Once you have 3, you quickly realize that when kids outnumber parents, the whole dynamic changes. She would have to be barren or the scales would tip back in the wrong way. Of course a little more peace in life might trick you into thinking you’d like another kid, then you’d have to go through finding another barren woman who wants to share with the 3 of you. It’s a never ending cycle really.
.-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..I’m sick, this is my confession =-.
Hold up. So what you’re saying, is that you’re not Super Woman? Because you kind of seem like Super Woman. Man, I thought, she’s just so on top of it all! Moving, dumpster-diving, full-time-careering, three-kid raising, wifing, blogging, juggling a zillion different balls!
But seriously, the best advice I got on becoming a mom was, “DON’T BE A HERO, ASK FOR HELP.” So if you can assure me of a decent night’s sleep, I will help you regain control of the remote.
Yeah, Um while all thats nice. I am not at all good with sharing my man sexually with another (wife, sister, cousin, daughter) ewwwwwwwwww
Maybe you should just get a nanny?
Well, wouldn’t you know—–that I *actually* own a Mary Poppins bag?! True Story.
When should I move in? There is the matter of my triplets, teenager and 23 month old. You’re OK with that though, right? Whats 5 more when you have a Smirnoff drinking Mary Poppins on your doorstep :)
.-= The Grasshoppa: Triplet Plus Two Momma´s last blog ..What I Have Learned About Addiction. =-.
Let me give you the male perspective: no, no and no. It is hard enough to keep one wife happy, 2, 3 or 20 would just mean having to deal with more nonsense.
A concubine on the other hand….
.-= Jack´s last blog ..The People You Love Most =-.
Well, I think you may be on to something. I love it!
I think having a sister-wife would be awesome. I personally would make a bad one since I can barely keep up with my own kids, house, hubby, and work. So I am not applying but feel free to send over the applications of the top candidates you don’t use. :)
.-= This Mama Works It!´s last blog ..Can We Talk About Passion? What Does That Word Mean To You? Here Are My Thoughts.. =-.
Wow!! I have not read your blog in awhile. The photo of “Big Love” caught my eye .(which is an award wining show which i have watched since day one which I love.)
My husdband first proposed the thought of a “sister wife” in a sensitive manner and at first I must admit it was hard to think of. But as he sold me on the idea it really did make sence. There are so many reaason why it would work, fiances, family support, schedule pressures, more love in the house!
Considering Iam not the jealouse type the sleeping arrangement would not even bother me one bit. I would LOVE to sleep ALONE twice a week.
Polygamy, sleeping arrangemant are shared and so are the chores in bed.
Happy Hubby!!
Divorece rate would probably be cut in half!!
. I have sisters and miss them. Lets face it women are cool!!
I have long said that I need a sisterwife. I really just want her to put away laundry, change the sheets and fix my hair. If she does those things, I really don’t care if she sleeps with my hubs.
Thanks for the chukkle!! I think the South would have a harder time with it.
Im originall from NYC and presently live in Chattanooga TN. it would be a challenge. I think finding the right sister-wife would be even harder.
Love this idea- I too wish I had a sister! I’d have a really hard time sharing my clothes, though. It would be SUPER nice to have someone to tell you that your butt does NOT look fat each day. Right?
I LOVE it, I think I may start the search too!! Good luck!
.-= Mel’s Box of Chocolates´s last blog ..Happy May Day =-.
I was really hoping this was giveaway for a sister-wife.
Just moved too. Drowning over here.
Genius post. I thought my desire for a sister wife was rooted in my obsession for Big Love (it is the BEST show on TV), but I really think it’s just a practical solution for the modern family. And I totally want my own house with a shared backyard. Anyone who cleans and cooks can sleep with my husband every other night, no problem. I think a Nikki type since she’s so handy would really work nicely around here.
I love your blog. And I’m not just saying that. I just stumbled upon it and really like it. For real. I love that you just write. And it’s funny and real. Did u know that there’s a facebook group called something like Elegant Women Who Use the F-word Alot? Come join us!
You crack me up! I’ve always said that I wanted a wife!
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..A Spinach Tale =-.
I know how you feel! My husband and I have joked about this. I told him he could have 2 or 3 more wives, but I would be the official sex wife, one would be the cook wife, and the other would be the cleaning wife. And they’d better kow-tow to me! And they can be dogs, because, hey, I have an ego, too! It’s something you must get by osmosis living with 4 guys (hubbs and 3 sons).
Yeah I got one wife, don’t need a 2nd. Thanks but eh, no thanks.
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