Desperately Seeking Something

I’ve been kind of a my wits’ end lately. The pressure of working full-time, the move, getting the kids settled in their new neighborhood and school, trying to get the house all set up… It’s just all taken its toll on me and I am totally and completely spent.

So, we’re looking for some help for a few hours in the afternoon, you know, so I don’t need to be picking up the kids while attempting to participate on a conference call with 15 other people. It’s not the most effective way of working and as great as it is to have them all in school for the day, it’s just not enough. Last week, I began making my Mary Poppins style wish list of all the things I’d like in a helper and I realized that I’m not looking for a sitter at all. I’m looking for a wife.

While I used to cringe at the idea of polygamy, I’m beginning to think that it’s really where it’s at. First of all, I’ve always wanted a sister, so that alone would be a blast. There would be a majority rule in favor of all cheesy movies from the 80s and Top Chef over The Soup. We’d have the best skin, thanks to our nightly face masks and our toes would always be freshly painted. She’d braid my hair while I craft friendship bracelets out of gimp. It’d be like a never ending slumber party, and it would be awesome.

Responsibilities would be shared around the house: Appeasing a needy husband, grocery shopping, laundry, lunch making… It wouldn’t be so bad with only half as much to do. There would be somebody to ohh and ahh over my cooking and help clean up the dishes to boot. And with two wives for Jeff, someone would always be in the mood. Or, at least in more of one.

Of course, my sister-wife would have to be attractive (I’d rather not look at a dog all day,) but certainly not hot– who wants the competition? Ideally, she would be barren, because although I need help with my own offspring, I’m not too keen on other people’s kids.

But, she’d get to be part of my super duper family and all of the deep fulfillment that comes with that. Which is simply priceless. It would be a win-win for all and I’m accepting applications immediately. I expect the response to be tremendous.