Desperately Seeking Something


I’ve been kind of a my wits’ end lately. The pressure of working full-time, the move, getting the kids settled in their new neighborhood and school, trying to get the house all set up… It’s just all taken its toll on me and I am totally and completely spent.

So, we’re looking for some help for a few hours in the afternoon, you know, so I don’t need to be picking up the kids while attempting to participate on a conference call with 15 other people. It’s not the most effective way of working and as great as it is to have them all in school for the day, it’s just not enough. Last week, I began making my Mary Poppins style wish list of all the things I’d like in a helper and I realized that I’m not looking for a sitter at all. I’m looking for a wife.

While I used to cringe at the idea of polygamy, I’m beginning to think that it’s really where it’s at. First of all, I’ve always wanted a sister, so that alone would be a blast. There would be a majority rule in favor of all cheesy movies from the 80s and Top Chef over The Soup. We’d have the best skin, thanks to our nightly face masks and our toes would always be freshly painted. She’d braid my hair while I craft friendship bracelets out of gimp. It’d be like a never ending slumber party, and it would be awesome.

Responsibilities would be shared around the house: Appeasing a needy husband, grocery shopping, laundry, lunch making… It wouldn’t be so bad with only half as much to do. There would be somebody to ohh and ahh over my cooking and help clean up the dishes to boot. And with two wives for Jeff, someone would always be in the mood. Or, at least in more of one.

Of course, my sister-wife would have to be attractive (I’d rather not look at a dog all day,) but certainly not hot– who wants the competition? Ideally, she would be barren, because although I need help with my own offspring, I’m not too keen on other people’s kids.

But, she’d get to be part of my super duper family and all of the deep fulfillment that comes with that. Which is simply priceless. It would be a win-win for all and I’m accepting applications immediately. I expect the response to be tremendous.


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  1. 3

    Jerseygirl says

    My husband and I joke about this every time we watch Big Love. I don’t even care if she wants kids; I like babies. I’d just like her to be less attractive than I am and very rich. A girl can dream, right?
    .-= Jerseygirl´s last blog ..Sex Toys, TV and Preschool =-.

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  2. 7

    Gigi says

    *smacking self on forehead* Another wife! That’s what is needed around here too. It would be great to have another female around here to help out – and to balance out the estrogen/testostorone levels – since I’m currently out numbered.
    .-= Gigi´s last blog ..Will she stay? Or will she go? =-.

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  3. 9

    Lolli says

    Every single time my sister stays the weekend with me I have the same thought. Another person to cook while I keep the kids occupied or someone to run around in the car while I accomplish something in the house sounds heavenly. Granted, I have a somewhat touchy history with polygamy, so I probably shouldn’t even go there. Yes, my great-great-great-great grandpa was a polygamist. :) He lived long and happy!
    .-= Lolli´s last blog ..I’m Celebrating By Giving Away a Photo Book! =-.

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  4. 10

    Liz says

    Sounds great, but in reality, I’d probably get just as much done. I felt like I was so, so busy with my first child – almost as busy as I feel now with four! Some aspects of polygamy are appealing for sure – like having someone to talk with about every little detail of life – all day. My husband is gone so much that I’m sure people run when they see me coming because they know I am so desperate for someone to talk to, and I will talk their ears off!
    .-= Liz´s last blog .."Momnesia" =-.

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  5. 13

    vanillasugar says

    girl i love you. i would totally apply for this because i think you and your family are just so hot. so fucking hot. i would love to cook for you because i need to cook for someone who will shower me with gratitude, appreciation and let’s not forget (what all chefs love) COMPLIMENTS.
    .-= vanillasugar´s last blog ..giveaway time! =-.

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  6. 14

    Naomi says

    That’s a great idea! My son would love it too, as I’ve been re-labelled “mean mommy” this week so I think he’s in search of “nice mommy”.
    .-= Naomi´s last blog ..Heatlhy tips =-.

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  7. 15

    Shawntel says

    Heck with a wife, I want a mommy! I don’t want to share my chores, I want someone to do them for me! I want my mommy to cook, clean, shuttle the kids around…wait, maybe I do want a wife. I’m so confused…
    .-= Shawntel´s last blog ..Reason 1,458,932 Why I Love Colorado! =-.

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  8. 16

    Kalah says

    ditto to everything you said. i am so mad when careers boom during baby raising time. what the hell is that all about? i just had a day where i feel like i am going to crack and i am SO glad to hear i have a buddy! not that i wish you ill – but misery loves company!

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  9. 17

    Lesa Rumbalski says

    That is sooo what I need. My husband is gone all the time, and the kids lately have been terrorizing me. It would be perfect. Either that or I need a clone.
    .-= Lesa Rumbalski´s last blog ..I Love You Day =-.

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  10. 18

    Allison says

    I’ve been saying I want a wife for years! Wouldn’t it be perfect? I really see no downside. I love the barren bit, I hadn’t thought of that. I would love someone else around the house who can dress the baby without doing really weird things like putting a onesie on top of footie pjs, all under a nightgown.
    .-= Allison´s last blog ..Room Sharing Update =-.

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  11. 20

    Jen says

    I would like to throw my hat in the ring. Since I am already married to a Jeff the transition would be no problem.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..If I Were to be a Reality TV Star =-.

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  12. 21

    Rebecca says

    OMG…this is freaking hysterical. I need a wife too, but mine would have to be slightly uglier than I. Either that or have an off odor emanating from her!
    .-= Rebecca´s last blog ..A Whole Lot of This In Our House Lately… =-.

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  13. 22

    Molly says

    It is a pretty brilliant idea. I do like Ann’s idea of hot manny’s too. haha.
    .-= Molly´s last blog ..The result of birthday shindig #2 and #3. =-.

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  14. 23

    parenting BY dummies says

    As wack-a-freakin-doodoo as my kids and husband have been lately, I’m considering putting in an application for this position. Do you provide snacks? I need a job with like really good snackage. It’s my ONE requirement.
    .-= parenting BY dummies´s last blog ..Thank Me Later Thursday. Rules for Happy Families. =-.

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    • 24

      Scary Mommy says

      My husband was just complaining that there are never any snacks in this house. BUT, that could easily fall under my sister-wife’s responsibilities, so we should be good.

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