You’d think a trip to Disney World would be all about the rides and the characters. But for toddlers, this list is where it’s at for your family’s Disney vacation.
1. Soap in public restrooms
Will it be white? Or pink? Can I reach it myself, or will I need to throw a fit because mom has to help me? Will I be able to wash it off? Or will the automatic faucet be worthless like roughly 70% of its kind? Cuz if it is, I will try all 20 of these sinks until I find one that’s worthy of removing this magical soap.
2. Toilet-flushing mechanisms
Is there a lever? Or a carefully camouflaged button that requires me to contract hepatitis by feeling the seat up with the same bare hands that I’m always eating with? And if it’s the dreaded automatic flusher, can I make it to the manual trigger before it flushes without me and makes me demand to pee again in order to reset the cycle of insanity?
3. Opening the latch to bathroom stalls while Mommy’s pants are down
She’s been telling me not to since she unzipped her pants, but this stall is just too small for the both of us and that latch is so right there. It’s calling to me… Yep. She’s wiping. I’m gonna open it.
4. Rope and stanchion crowd control devices
The people in this line sure seem excited to get to this ride. But how can I even think about that when I’ve got yards and yards of rope to run my hand along between metal posts in this maze of cordoned-off waiting area?! Sometimes it’s a chain. Sometimes it’s a retractable band. But touching it is always more fun than keeping up with the queue.
5. Standing water
Could be a rainwater. Could be gardening run-off laden with fertilizer for all these manicured landscapes. Or it could be the puddle of urine that little girl just made at the base of the slide in the Dumbo ride waiting area that all the kids are stepping in as they run around the play structure. It’s a real roll of the dice. Nevertheless. If it’s standing liquid, I’ma touch it. And then be pissed when my hands get dirty.
6. Buttons that make elevators work
My brother pressed it last time. Then I got to press it. Then it was Daddy’s turn to press it. But I’ll be damned if Mommy presses it. I might have us stopping at all four floors on the elevator trip to our hotel room. But I’ma press that button next—or cry trying.
7. Being dead asleep during fireworks
I’ve been a total asshole for the past two hours because I’m never up this late. I’m just waiting for the soothing sound of explosives detonating in the distance to lull me to sleep. To hell with your dazzling visual spectacle, Disney. It’s bedtime, bitches.
8. Snacks from home in Mommy’s bag
Good thing Mom and Dad left me off the family food plan, because that shit’s got nothin’ on the metric ton of pretzels, fruit snacks, Applejacks, and clementines Mommy transported across two state lines to supplement my inevitable refusal of anything else I’m offered. I even learned to eat a whole apple on this trip—core, seeds, stem, and all—because nothing says vacation like the same ol’ shit you eat at home. And if it’s from Mommy’s bag, it’s all I want.
9. Asking for more snacks
I just had pretzels, dry cereal, an apple, a clementine, chicken nuggets, broccoli, and a stack of cookies from the lunch buffet we just left. But it’s been at least 15 minutes now, and I want more snacks. MORE SNACKS NOW!
10. Being picked up
We rented this badass double stroller—and it’s cool and all. But Mommy’s not busy. Or tired. And I’m definitely not heavy. Or squirmy. So yeah. I’m gonna need her to go ahead and pick me up.
11. Asking to go back to the hotel
My family and I gleefully counted down the days to this trip, and I literally jumped for joy the morning we left. But now that we’re here, I’m over it about every 15 minutes and ready to hit up the hotel. Until I’m into it again, having the time of my life. Until I’m not again and want to go back to the hotel…to poop, to sleep, to play with toys from home—I don’t know. But the bitch about grass is how green it is back at the hotel.
12. Giving the stink-eye to Disney photographers
My parents paid for this awesome photo package so that strategically distributed Disney photographers can take family photos of us against picturesque backdrops throughout the various parks, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna cooperate. So, please enjoy this year’s Christmas card when it features the glittering backdrop of Cinderella’s castle with my smiling brother and parents in the foreground, embracing either the back of my head or my down-turned expression of pouty disgust like someone just presented me with a dirty butthole. Merry Christmas, folks.
I’m told there are “real” rides here, but don’t think that means we can pass on that escalator over there. Cuz I see it. And I know you know I see it. It doesn’t lead to where we’re going? Tough titty. Cuz we’re still going to ride it. All the way down and right the hell back up on the matching set next to it. Cuz this may be the happiest place on earth, but if the toddler ain’t happy, I’d like to see you sell that line to my parents.