As far as I’m concerned, there’s only one rule for adults who watch and coach kids’ organized sports: Don’t Be An Asshole.
We are currently in the midst of Little League season, and I’ve noticed that there are a large number of people who are either unfamiliar with this rule, or they need some education on exactly what this entails. Therefore, I’ve developed the following quiz to provide guidance on how you should behave at games.
1. A 7 year old on your opponent’s team is at bat against the pitching machine. He strikes out. You pump your fist in the air and yell “YEAH!”. Are you the inventor of the pitching machine? Do you own stock in the company that manufactures it? If not, you’re an asshole.
2. Your team’s shortstop just dropped the ball. Did you just scream out “WHAT THE FUCK, BEN” to 6 year old Ben? Yep, You’re an asshole. (Oh, and if Ben is 12, you’re still an asshole.)
3. Did your 9 year old just cheer when the opposing team’s goalie took a shot to the face? You’re an asshole. If your kid is being an asshole, I guarantee they learned it from you. There are enough assholes in this world; please stop making more.
4. An 8 year old on the opposing team is up at bat, and you’re sitting 5 feet away. Are you purposefully creating a diversion to try to knock him off his game ? (“Finally! The ice cream man is here!”). If so, you’re an asshole.
5. You’re driving home from your 10 year old’s game. Did you utter any of the following to him?
“What were you thinking with that last play at first?”
“Michael really needs to give up baseball; he’s bringing your whole team down.”
“That ref was blind; you were clearly safe.”
Congratulations, you’re an asshole.
6. Your daughter’s best friend is on the opposing team. She hits a grand slam. When she crosses home plate, you are standing a few feet away. Did you congratulate her? High-five her? If not, you’re an asshole.
7. During your 7 year old son’s lacrosse game, are you frantically pacing the sidelines like you are waiting for the results of a biopsy? If yes, you’re an asshole.
8. Your child’s coach tells your child “throw it to second!” Did you just yell for her to “throw it home!”? If you did, you’re an asshole.
9. A 7 year old second baseman stumbles and falls in his reach for the ball that was hit onto the baseline. Are you arguing with the umpire that it was obstruction? If so, you’re an asshole.
10. Have you ever uttered the phrase “Shit’s about to go down” during a pee wee football game? How about “Get some fucking glasses!” to the referee? If you answered yes to either question, you’re an asshole.
11. Have you been thrown out of a game or banned from coaching in a league? If so, you’re an asshole.
Seriously folks, if you can’t control your asshole behavior, stay home. It’s a game, they are kids. Life’s too short for this shit.