In my house we’re such yuge fans of Halloween that we’re pretty much the real life versions of Dan and Roseanne Conner — the two of us are large, working-class married folks who blow more than they should every October on tricks and treats all in the name of personal glory. This makes us experts in all things Halloween, and given this fact I felt it necessary to warn other adults about the dangers of giving out shitty treats to the neighborhood kids.
Not every house can afford to be the BIG candy bar house — we aren’t those people either — but every family can avoid being an embarrassment to their ‘hood by avoiding these god-awful Halloween treats that are like skid marks on an otherwise clean pair of tighty-whities.
1. Cow Tales
Beyond looking like a ropey turd coated in talcum powder, their flavor is a slight step above a sweaty ass.
Where to start? Oh butterscotch candy, you’re basically an AARP card. If Nana was out trick-or-treating, you’d be the cat’s meow.
3. Fruit Snacks
This is trick-or-treating, not a lunch box. Give the kids something they don’t have every day. Plus, you don’t score any points for Halloween-shaped snacks or for the organic part. Nothing screams “I hate children” more than giving them organic Halloween candy.
4. Good and Plenty
It’s Pepto-Bismol in chiclet form. If it’s going to resemble medicine, leave it on the shelf.
One word: yuck.
6. McDonald’s Halloween Coupons
Sending the kids away from your house with homework? You lazy asshole, give them a Kit Kat.
7. Necco Wafers
No one wants to eat colored chalk. And no one wants glorified Tums in their treat bag. Again, if it resembles medicine, it shouldn’t be anywhere near a pillowcase on Halloween.
8. Peanut Butter Kisses
C’mon, would you eat this? Not to mention these things are basically like handing out a death sentence because allergies. Death is fun on Halloween in theory, but death-death is not cool.
Why would you make kids buy their own candy? A better use of pennies would be throwing them at the people who are handing out butterscotch.
It’s one night out of the year, chill the eff out and let the kids enjoys themselves for once.
Sit on them and twist. Seriously.
12. Tootsie Pops
You cheap S.O.B. What did you get? Like 200 per bag. Spring for the real chocolate treats.
Sand is best left at the beach. No one wants to eat it covered in chocolate.
Maya Angelou once wrote that when you “know better, you do better.” I mean, sure, she wasn’t exactly thinking about Halloween candy, but it still works, right? Angelou was a great woman, and you want to be the great house on Halloween — see it all fits together. So go forth and do better, folks. Now you know better. Happy Halloween.