Laurie Sontag
Latest posts by Laurie Sontag (see all)
- Teaching Your Teen To Drive - January 2, 2013
If someone would have told me years ago that I would someday be teaching a teenager to drive, I’d have laughed my butt off. Seriously, I’d be sitting here without a butt. Instead, I have a rather large butt and I am teaching a teenager to drive.
I have real problems with this, not the least of which is that I am the worst driver on the planet. Hey, I admit it. I don’t do freeways well. When it rains, I start to freak out. About the only thing I do right when driving is refuse to use my cell phone.
But somehow I was elected to teach the teenager to drive, which should make all of you very afraid.
After the first day, I realized we needed ground rules. Specifically, we needed rules to protect me from having a heart attack the next time Junior accelerated my SUV like he would a racecar. So I came up with this list, which I am sharing with everyone and which I am planning to have tattooed on my teenager’s butt (not enough room on the forehead, in case you were wondering).
1. This is not a racecar. It is an SUV. Basically, that means it is a giant, hulking pig on the road and it doesn’t turn well.
2. “Begin to accelerate” doesn’t translate to “smash your foot to the floor and back out of the driveway at full speed.”
3. Stopping is a gradual process. The goal is to stop the vehicle, not give your passenger whiplash.
4. I do not care about the “apex” of the turn and all that racing stuff. Slow the hell down before you start to turn the vehicle.
5. Likewise, the goal of driving an SUV is not to see how many “g’s” you can pull. Save that crap for science class where someone will appreciate it.
6. A turn that happens on two wheels is also known as “you will never drive again.”
7. Do not swerve the vehicle, even if you think it’s funny to see your passenger’s face turn white and hair stand on end.
8. Playing the radio full blast while learning to drive isn’t going to happen. As a bonus, you will not need to constantly switch channels to find your “driving
jam.”
9. We do not lean out the car window and shout at friends while driving. The goal of driving is to see things that happen in front of you, not your friends waving at you from the sidelines.
10. When you see the most gorgeous cheerleader at school walking down the street, you do not stop in the middle of the road, put on sunglasses, turn on the radio and then back up to make sure she saw you. If you do, all she will see is a crazy woman in the passenger seat screaming at you like a maniac.
I’m sure there are many more rules… but these are the ones I have so far. Feel free to add your own and remember – somewhere out there is a teenager who is learning all of my bad driving habits.
I suggest public transit for those of you who live nearby.
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
I feel for you! Im doing the same thing right now! Teaching my 16 year old son to drive is turning the rest of my hair white! Ive only allowed parking lots and the cemetery (Hey he cant kill anyone there, the stones are all flat, and there is a creek but hard to get to). He actually learned alot. How to take turns with out worrying about someone smashing on a horn or going to fast. He did great after a couple times so he now can drive to and from school with me in the passenger seat. Our state requires alot of hours behind the wheel so I have alot more to do. I think his father is handling the highway driving though!
Our state requires 50 hours. I think that’s just to torture me. Junior is starting out in our development, which is very small and the kids know to run into the house to save their own lives when he is behind the wheel :)
My friend taught me how to drive a stick in a graveyard. Awesome place to learn. The one we were at had hills, stop signs, and light traffic. And like you said, can’t do too much damage, everyone’s dead already.
I’m years away from this (my oldest is only 10) but what I hope to NOT impart upon them is my fear of driving. After a few horrible accidents (the last happening w/the kids in the truck, truck totaled, other driver went airborne and had to be cut from his vehicle (his Winnebago!)) I get jittery sometimes and they’ve asked about my unease. I, like the author, refuse to use my phone while driving. I have just recently started to enjoy music again. While I want them to be as safe as possible, I also want them to not be as uptight as me.
I’m giggling at the two-wheel turn though. I remember doing that when I took my first driver’s test. The DMV representative pulled up the hand brake and said “test’s over, you’ve failed.” Well shit, I didn’t even hit a cone. At least let me hit a cone.
That’s a good point. I don’t want him to be a nervous nelly, but I do want him to pay attention.
LOL, though. My first test, I hit the DMV building. Yeah. I rocked the failure rate.
Love this! I laughed out loud at those rules. Might need to print a copy and save it for when my toddlers eventually become teenagers. Shudder.
I was the one who taught my baby sister to drive when she turned 16. My dad and mom hated teaching my younger brother and myself, so they were all too eager to let me take a turn playing Driving Instructor. They thought I’d be terrified. Little did they know, when I was a teenager with a new license I taught several of my younger friends to drive around our neighborhood at 2 a.m. Shhh! That’ll be our secret.
My sister is actually a great driver, and I totally take credit for that. Even though I’m the worst driver ever, and it’s much more likely that she’s just better than me.
So there’s the silver lining. Maybe Junior will learn what NOT to do from me and turn out to be a great driver. *crossing fingers*
No getting angry at mom for telling you things you already know. Simply answer with a “yes, mom”, and everything will be fine.
Love this list! Saving it for when my 5yo is old enough to drive. :-)
By then you will need to add: “flying cars really do have lanes. Stay in yours.”
That’s awesome! At least you get to skip some of the primping in the mirror ones I had to issue when my daughter was learning! I think that’s when my grey-ing process picked up speed!
Good luck!
Lol. Thanks, Jill, for posting this. I am dying over the comments and feel an urge to confess:
I failed my driver’s test 3 times.
Seriously. And I’m teaching the teen. Everyone should run! oh, and my son does not skimp mirror time! His logic is that he might see someone he knows, so his faux hawk has to look good. Seriously? Faux hawk and look good should not be used in the same sentence ;)
Sadly, I wish I had this list when I started driving, damn.
LOL. Sorry about that :)
I told my hubby that Ill take potty training our kids if he handles “driving training” I dont think my mama heart can take it. However, my oldest is 3 so we have a LOOOOONG time before we have to worry about that.
LOL. And here I wasn’t smart enough to make a bargain and got stuck with both!
I can’t decide if i’m lucky or not. My 16 yo son is pretty much too lazy to learn to drive. Good on one hand because I don’t have to white knuckle away my summer yet but I don’t really feel the need to drive him to school, hockey practice, friends, ect, ect for the rest of my life. Though I think he’d be fine with that.
LOL. While you are driving, think how much you are saving on insurance. Just got my new bill with the kid on it. I swear to you, it’s the GDP of some countries.
HAHA , good point. We did save him the old clunker suv and that’s the only one I’m putting him on the insurance for.
Oh my. I’m in the midst of the same driving instruction drama. Put his foot on the brake today and thought it was the gas ON THE INTERSTATE. And sure loves his “jams” and rocking out while driving, even though he can’t focus on both at the same time….Sheesh….
And that is why my son hasn’t graduated to the highway yet – or even actual roads with people on them. YIKES!
I do not have a teenager, but this post totally had me trying to suppress my belly laugh as to not wake a sleeping baby. Oh thank you. I needed that.
You are welcome…and don’t worry, pretty soon that sleeping baby will grow into a teenager who sleeps all morning and you’ll be trying anything to wake him/her up :)
Just finished with one kid (17yr old son), now on to the next one (16yr old daughter) had to scream “BREAK” while she was trying to turn off onto a side road doing 100k on the highway. We almost hit the culvert and ended up in the ditch, I make her cry every time we drive. Heaven help me in 3 1/2 years when the twins start driving.
Omigod. We haven’t made it to the highway yet. Hold me. I’m scared :)
I cannot imagine the day when I need to teach my girls to drive…i feel for you. Although I think I could probably use these rules with my hubs. He gives me a head of gray hairs every time he gets behind the wheel.
LOL. Hopefully they won’t inherit his driving..er..skills?
As another mother of a 16 year old boy – I’m pretty sure we should write a book of these rules!
LOL! Yes, and people would thank us :)
hah you should have been there when my friend learned to drive after me. My dadis a race car driver..and I will NEVER ride with her again! (however, my dad says I scared the crap outta him…what’s that say about me? lol)
LOL. You scared a race car driver???????? Eek!
Oh my! I’m going through this same thing teaching my daughter to drive. I blogged about it too, only I don’t have rules. Just my constant state of panic!!
http://twinisms.com/2011/08/03/license-to-drive/
Your post rocked! I loved the part with YOU CANNOT STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD TO FIND THE LIGHTS. I cracked up.
I’ll admit it. I COULDN’T DO IT. I’m a horrible mother. I could not get the courage up to teach my kids to drive. Their dad did it and the youngest scared us both so bad the first time we let her drive on our block she went immediately to driver’s ed summer classes!
You are not a horrible mother – just an honest one. I’m teaching our son because the first time he took his dad in the car, Junior pulled forward and drove over the neighbor’s lawn. I swear to you, he went 10 feet, the husband looked at him, told him stop and got out of the car. He hasn’t been in the car with Junior driving since then.
OMG! My son will probably be getting his permit this week and I have to teach him to drive, so I TOTALLY relate. Good luck.
And good luck to you. I’ve already alerted my insurance company – so they can notify the life insurance people in case I don’t survive:)
When I was using our work parking lot to teach my youngest daughter to back up etc. She inadvertantly drove over the curb. My car was half on the grass; half in a parking spot. I asked her to step out & that I would go find some plywood in the garage where two fellows were working. She is tall, blonde & long legged. By the time I came back with the two fellows & a sheet of plywood; many cars had stopped & two young men had lifted my car over the curb to safety. she was signed up for Young Drivers lessons the next day.