Spring is right around the corner and that means Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg season is upon us.
That’s right, Easter is coming and I can practically smell the fresh air and pretty blooms that will wash away the winter doldrums.
While I love the feeling of renewal that comes with springtime and the joy that surrounds the Easter holiday, I have always been completely freaked out by the Easter Bunny. Even from a young age, I couldn’t understand where the fuck the giant rodent fell in the scheme of the Easter myth. I mean, for Christians, Easter represents the day that Jesus rose from the dead and I can’t remember a single Bible story that had Mary hiding dyed eggs around Jesus’ tomb.
The Easter Bunny makes no sense and, frankly, I think he’s a creeper.
I can remember, as a kid, being terrified in my bed on the night before the Rodent of Unusual Size was to bring me a basket filled with goodies and chocolate. I’d lay in my bed and panic because the thought of a giant, life-sized rabbit hopping through my house made me want to hide in the closet. Come to think of it, I never did figure out how that fucker didn’t knock over furniture or leave giant rabbit droppings all over the house. Kids really are that gullible.
As far back as the 80s, the Easter Bunny has been creepy AF, as this photo clearly proves:
When I had kids, I struggled to incorporate the idea of the Easter Bunny into our holiday because, frankly, I was still freaked out by the whole concept. “Hey, kids! Be good or a giant rodent armed with black licorice jelly beans and ungodly amounts of plastic grass isn’t gonna hop on into our house and leave you a big basket!” seemed ridiculous. And yet I did it. Because how else was I going to feed my Reese’s PB habit? Don’t judge me, okay?
And I’d hear stories of how my friends would tell their kids that the bunnies in the yard were the Easter Bunny’s spies and wonder how the fuck we’d gotten here. I mean, it’s bad enough that I have to perpetuate the myth that a fat man in a red suit crams his jolly red ass down my chimney. Now I have to convince my kids that a rabbit, a woman who collects teeth, and a jolly AF leprechaun invade their house on a yearly basis? WTF, parents?
According to Mental Floss, “A wise man once told me that all religions are beautiful and all religions are wacko, but even if you allow for miracles, angels, and pancake Jesus, the Easter Bunny really comes out of left field.” A quick Google search for “Where the fuck did the Easter Bunny come from?” tells me that the Easter Bunny came to the U.S around 1700 A.D. when German missionaries arrived. Thanks for nothing, Germany.
Regardless of how the Easter Bunny became parents’ worst nightmares, I think we can all agree to let the kids speak for themselves.
This infant’s “WTF” eyebrow is on point. Also? Infant shade is a thing.
Not even her baby doll can save her from her terror:
Peekabo, I scare the shit out of you!
Wait, don’t leave. Was it something I said?
Thanks, Dad. It’s bad enough that I have to sit on the giant rodent’s lap. Now you want me to dress like him, too? WTF?
It’s going to take a lot more than a goddamned cookie to get me to stay, Mom:
Hey, Mom? If you like the Easter Bunny so much, why don’t you sit with him by yourself?
Kiss my ass, EB.
There’s always one kid who ruins it for everyone. Go home, kid. No one likes the Easter Bunny.
A picture is worth a thousand words and, on behalf of all kids everywhere, it’s safe to say that the Easter Bunny pictures should be cancelled this year, parents.